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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Sister in Law

283 replies

DailyMailHater · 17/12/2023 21:04

SIL has been having a hard time recently, end of long term relationship and made redundant and is struggling for money , she called DH yesterday to say she has no food in the cupboards and no money.

Dh and I each pay 50/50 on household bills etc and then all other finances are separate , DH said he didn’t have much to help her at the moment, but I said I could as I have some extra this month due to Xmas bonus… so suggested we do an online food shop for her to be delivered this week, (she lives 3hrs away) , my view is she is family and if you can help out, you help out.

DH spoke to her and she said that would be really appreciated and then proceeded to send an extensive list through (first hint of CF!)

I managed to get a delivery slot with her local supermarket for Tuesday afternoon and added everything off her list - mostly tins and frozen foods so long lasting and should keep her going for a while, I then added a few extras like her fav biscuits, a bottle of wine and some flowers just to cheer her up as she is really down at the money in total it came to almost £200

DH text her and confirmed delivery date and time etc (was surprised to get a slot - Xmas week!) all good.

She has then called today and asked if we can see if we can change delivery to Tuesday morning as she has booked a last minute 2-day spa break (about 1.5hrs away from her home) to relax and de-stress from all the recent upset and needs to leave at lunch time on Tuesday to “make the most of it”

I am shocked that she feels it is ok to do this after pleading poverty - i said DH should ask where this money suddenly came from considering I have just done her food shop for her he says it is none of our business….

I am happy to help family out but this is totally taking the piss isn’t it?

OP posts:
auburnglow788 · 17/12/2023 22:31

Tell her that as it's one of the busiest weeks of the year for grocery slots (which is true anyway), there are no alternative slots. She'll either have to cancel her spa break and be home, or you cancel the delivery and leave it at that.

cometdancer · 17/12/2023 22:31

So I guess from her perspective, it probably makes sense to choose what food she’s getting and sounds like she has made some sensible choices with canned food.

She probably is very stressed and maybe a friend booked her in and paid for a spa , not too unreasonable to ask to change the date?

However she does sound like CF if she’s happy to accept and then make a list for you! My sil is a CF too, entitled and never lifts a finger to help anybody.

Heronwatcher · 17/12/2023 22:33

Erm FFS CANCEL! No way would I pay that amount of money, if she can afford a spa break she can buy some beans. Just send a really cheery upbeat message “hi SIL great that you’re going on your mini break/ I’m super jealous! There’s obviously been a misunderstanding somewhere about money, but it sounds like you’re doing ok and since the time wasn’t convenient we thought best to cancel it.”

TwoMoreBoxesJayne · 17/12/2023 22:34

I'd phone her and ask her what the situation was. Maybe pretend you think you might have got the wrong end of the stick from your DH. Explain it's your money and you had only offered because you thought she was properly skint.

beatrix1234 · 17/12/2023 22:34

I would not cancel the order, it's done it's done, end off. maybe she had some sort of groupon or card gift as present, god knows, let it go, but I wouldn't be making her any more food shoppings and if she asks for same in a couple months I would direct her to the local food bank. Doesn't sound like you guys are swimming in money either. I'm sure you have bills to pay.

Ulysees · 17/12/2023 22:34

Cancel it. She's a total cfer.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 17/12/2023 22:36

I'm all up for helping people when you can but she's taking the piss. If she's so skint that she can't feed herself, she would be grateful for anything she gets and any normal person wouldn't be compromising food for a spa trip.

LaylaLayla1 · 17/12/2023 22:38

You absolutely need to cancel this, it’s your money that is being spent on her food and you have been so generous. Unless of course she has been gifted the spa day but will she tell you that?

Just out of curiosity, what would your husband have said if it were his money that was spent on her groceries?

If your husband complains about you cancelling the order, tell him to find the money from his personal funds.

MayThe4th · 17/12/2023 22:41

Whether or not the spa trip was a gift is irrelevant, she had already committed to receive a grocery order at that time, and therefore should’ve said no to the spa trip. aside from which it’s a bloody cheek to accept those kinds of gifts from people, her version of hard up and mine obviously differ widely.

SunRainStorm · 17/12/2023 22:43

I wouldn't cancel it, unless she is generally a dishonest person.

She's had a horrible time. She's doing something to address her stress and thats important as well.

You don't know if she had an unused gift card sitting around or someone else wanted to support her by sending her to a spa.

SunRainStorm · 17/12/2023 22:43

MayThe4th · 17/12/2023 22:41

Whether or not the spa trip was a gift is irrelevant, she had already committed to receive a grocery order at that time, and therefore should’ve said no to the spa trip. aside from which it’s a bloody cheek to accept those kinds of gifts from people, her version of hard up and mine obviously differ widely.

You would seriously give up a two day spa trip in order to be home to let in a grocery delivery that could be moved to another day?

mumda · 17/12/2023 22:45

Cancel.

Delivery slots are scarce now and stock is low on lots of Christmas stuff.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 17/12/2023 22:47

Definitely cancel Just tell her there are no more slots so you'll have to cancel it
She had the cheek to mention the spa break too!

wildwestpioneer · 17/12/2023 22:47

She cannot be that stupid to think it's ok to do this!

I'd do as a pp suggested and tell her you've cancelled the order as she's got herself out of her tight t appt as she can afford a spa break!

This is YOUR bonus that you've worked all year towards

Beautiful3 · 17/12/2023 22:47

Honestly if ask how she's afforded it? If she says it was a gift, then fair enough. If she's paid for it, then I'd actually cancel the shop. I wouldn't appreciate being used like that. Or if you can't bring yourself to ask, knock half off the shop and just do the bare minimum.

Asifiwouldnt · 17/12/2023 22:50

I’m really hoping there is more to it than seems obvious given how brazen she has been about telling you!

Regardless of who paid for the spa, it’s pretty tone deaf of her to even ask you to change the slot or send a lengthy request list so she’s definitely a CF.

Id be VERY cross at DH for not sticking up for me and calling her about this to say hang on sis my very kind wife has just spent her Xmas bonus on food for you- this seems off.

As a minimum I’d edit the order to just a few Long life/frozen basics and take out the luxuries and the flowers and then say to her you are a bit surprised about the spa break given her recent requests but as no other slots available you can either cancel the whole delivery or she can be there to accept it.

MsRosley · 17/12/2023 22:51

What an incredible story!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/12/2023 22:52

SALWARP2023 · 17/12/2023 21:09

You're committed now but I'd amend order to cover only the basics and never financially help again. Offer other support but not money.

Agree

thinslicedham · 17/12/2023 22:52

Tbh, the fact that your partner, her own brother, wasn't worried enough about her claims of no food to find a way to help her tells me he must not have taken it all that seriously. Because if my sibling came to me saying they had no food, I'd know they must be truly desperate. They wouldn't lie or exaggerate the situation. I'd be sharing food out of my own fridge, if I was short on cash.

Imagwine · 17/12/2023 22:54

That’s high level cfery!

EvilElsa · 17/12/2023 22:55

I'd have to ask. I just couldn't let that one go. I'd not go in all guns blazing, but I'd have to question how she is going away after pleading poverty. I'd hope that maybe she had the trip as a gift or something -if not I'd be cancelling the order. I certainly wouldn't be spending £200 with added treats!

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 17/12/2023 22:55

@SunRainStorm I would give up a spa trip if it got to the point of me needing to ask people for help with buying food because I was so skint. Food is needed, a spa break isn't.

vanillaredbushtea · 17/12/2023 22:56

Tbh for the sake of peace and harmony I'd reduce it to the bare minimums and still send it. And that can be her Christmas gift.

mummabubs · 17/12/2023 22:57

auburnglow788 · 17/12/2023 22:31

Tell her that as it's one of the busiest weeks of the year for grocery slots (which is true anyway), there are no alternative slots. She'll either have to cancel her spa break and be home, or you cancel the delivery and leave it at that.

I'd definitely do this (assuming that you can cancel, I think I'd be worried that you might not be able to and she'll still go on the spa trip!)

I'm really, really trying to give SiL the benefit of the doubt... but if I was SiL and I'd recently had to literally beg you for food, then in the event that I had a pre-paid spa trip I'd be beyond emphasising that it wasn't something I'd paid for... And if I was cheeky enough to have the money for the spa but still have cried food poverty then I'd never have the gall to literally wave that in front of you.

Lesson learned for next time OP. As the saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". I hope you are able to cancel the shop, or at the very least get some more insight from SiL as to what's really going on.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2023 22:59

People saying someone else could have paid....well yes but then surely she would have said "My friend has just surprised me with a spa break as a gift, is there anyway we can move the order. She booked it before I knew about your kind gift!"

The fact that she didnt say that, as I am sure the OP would have included it if she had, suggests that this was not a gift!

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