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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to bring buffet food?

178 replies

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:42

My parents are coming to us this year for Christmas. I asked mum if she would mind bringing some buffet bits for the evening.. like a prawn cocktail, satay chicken or sausage rolls, or that kind of thing.
She's said that's ridiculous I asked and her and dad will have Christmas at home. I didn't think it was out of order to ask?

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 17/12/2023 20:04

Depends on your norms. We divide the food and drink required between who is coming and everyone gets something and brings it.

MumblesParty · 17/12/2023 20:04

The people saying the food request and the alcohol are separate are completely wrong. The alcohol is literally the only reason she has made a fuss about the food request. She has no problem getting food in. She’s done it for years without fuss. Her problem is being in a dry house for the day, which she doesn’t want to do.

MumblesParty · 17/12/2023 20:06

Honestly OP, you should completely ignore the posts from people who haven’t read that your mother is an alcoholic.

Humbugg · 17/12/2023 20:06

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP.

I would be easily able to ask my mum to bring those things or any kinds of foods I requested and she would be like yes sure anything else needed?

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 20:07

Bertiesmum3 · 17/12/2023 19:54

I’m having a Christmas party at my house, so I don’t forget anything I’ve asked my children & grandchildren what food they’d like and I’ve booked an online food delivery and I keep adding bits to it!
if one of my adult children asks me to their house, I always transfer them some money to go towards the food

I think you sound like a lovely mum/grandmother who is also a wonderful hostess AND guest.

It's also what most of us normal, not looking to be offended at the drop of a hat, people do in these situations.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 20:13

Rochyella84 · 17/12/2023 20:02

I’m amazed people are so horrified that someone hosting an expensive event like Christmas might ask guests to contribute. We always always offer to contribute no matter who is hosting - it can cost hundreds to host Christmas and I don’t see why that entire financial burden should fall to the host. I always offer and if I forgot to offer I wouldn’t be even slightly offended if the host asked me to bring something along.

Add in the fact that her NVDM lives a 5-minute walk from her house and OP did say that she worries she won't have fridge room for it all, and I think NVDM was hoping for a reason to throw her toys out of the pram.

But, OP, if you have never taken anything to your parents' house when they have hosted, that's pretty rude. You haven't said if you have or haven't, but several posters have made that assumption.

Mourningmorningsleep · 17/12/2023 20:14

Your request would be totally normal in my family and in no way rude. Your mum's reaction is completely over the top and weird. She could have just said no. Functional communication with family, and everyone having some degree of forgiveness and flexibility rather than just flying off the handle at the smallest things is key.

MumblesParty · 17/12/2023 20:16

Mourningmorningsleep · 17/12/2023 20:14

Your request would be totally normal in my family and in no way rude. Your mum's reaction is completely over the top and weird. She could have just said no. Functional communication with family, and everyone having some degree of forgiveness and flexibility rather than just flying off the handle at the smallest things is key.

@Mourningmorningsleep the mum’s reaction is not weird at all, in the context of her alcoholism. She needs to be at home to drink, so she needs to find an excuse to cancel the arrangement.

mrsbyers · 17/12/2023 20:18

It’s just the excuse she was waiting for to bail and stay at home where she can drink and obviously feels safer - I’m a bit of a home bird tbh and I can imagine that coupled with addiction can make her very reluctant to change her routine.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 20:20

@Bertiesmum3 wish you were my mum!

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 20:22

@MumblesParty I think she would've looked for another excuse. She was starting to get the "we've got the dog so we can't stay long" (even though I'd said several times she can bring the dog) excuses in and I've just realised that's what they were.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 17/12/2023 20:24

Well I hope your Dad comes OP, because it would be a shame if he missed out just because your Mum wanted to stay at home and get wasted.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 20:25

I think dad will come at the very least to see the kids as he's very close to them and my eldest will be gutted if he didn't see him. It will probably provide the perfect time frame for mum to get blotto while he's with us! x

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 17/12/2023 20:28

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:01

She's an alcoholic so the main reason we asked them to come to us is we hoped she wouldn't get drunk if she came to ours as 2 years running now she's got drunk and ruined the day x

So there’s your answer she doesn’t want to come.

Anyone normal would bring what you asked. Yanbu at all.

pandarific · 17/12/2023 20:29

@Bertiesmum3 shes engineered this so she can stay home and drink on Christmas Day. you’re not being unreasonable to be hurt, but really this is absolutely nothing to do you with you - it’s provided her an ‘out’ so she can take it.

She will probably get paralytic on Christmas Day - have the plan that your dad can come over to you once that happens and you can have a nice time.

Also I’d find an AA group for families of those with alcoholism, you need some support from others going through the same thing.

Quitelikeit · 17/12/2023 20:35

So did she just randomly turn into an alcoholic?

Clearly she was drunk when she messaged you - she might not even remember

You could have sort of been clearer in your message about why you wanted her help

Cornishclio · 17/12/2023 20:35

Given she is an alcoholic and forgot about leaving stuff in the oven last year I am not sure why you thought asking her to pick up bits for a buffet was a good idea anyway but in our house we would think nothing of it. I am always picking up stuff for my daughters and vice versa. On this occasion though I think she was looking for an excuse to kick off or leave early or not come at all so probably nothing to do with your request. You would have done better to ask your Dad.

This is the second thread on here today about alcoholic mums or MIL and as always the family are the ones dealing with picking up the pieces although I do get that it is a sickness and maybe during Covid alcohol was a lifeline for her. That seems to be a bigger issue than a Christmas day buffet. Is she open to getting help to kick her drink habit? Whatever I would make sure your dad knows he is welcome anyway and if she chooses to stay home and drink herself into a stupor maybe it is best she does that in her own home well away from your vulnerable kids.

alloverthemoon · 17/12/2023 20:36

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:42

My parents are coming to us this year for Christmas. I asked mum if she would mind bringing some buffet bits for the evening.. like a prawn cocktail, satay chicken or sausage rolls, or that kind of thing.
She's said that's ridiculous I asked and her and dad will have Christmas at home. I didn't think it was out of order to ask?

I think your mum sounds really bizarre getting like that.

alloverthemoon · 17/12/2023 20:38

I would just say stay at home then

thaisweetchill · 17/12/2023 20:39

OP, I feel for you as my mom is an alcoholic (won't admit it) and if you speak to her past 4pm it's pointless. She clearly wants to be at home so she can drink as much as she likes, I doubt it's about the food. Sounds like you'd have a much calmer Christmas Day without her and I know it's hard as you yearn for just one day of being sober.

If it helps we had the satay chicken and breaded prawns from Aldi for a gathering yesterday and they were lovely, they have some great party food in there.

justwantobeamum · 17/12/2023 20:41

I don’t understand families like this. We always all contribute or at least offer. This year I am hosting but only really because I have more space and a 1 year old. In-laws are bringing starters and me and my mum will cook main and dessert at my house. I’m providing fizz and wine but have told them if they want proper drinks later to bring what they like (I’m pregnant).

Fallenangelofthenorth · 17/12/2023 20:45

Crikey some of the responses! Even your Mum's alcoholism aside - which in itself is a pretty big deal - I hardly think asking your own mother to bring a couple of packets of ready made food is the massive social faux pas people are making it out to be!

It's not really a big deal surely, within a family, that when you went there they catered and on your turn you've asked for a (tiny) contribution. My own mother catered for years, but now that it's more me and my sister hosting, my mum insists on contributing. She's a fantastic cook and is just more organised than we are, having significantly more time on her hands than us, and contributions are gratefully received.

All she had to say was "No, sorry I can't be arsed". Absolutely no need for all these dramatics. But then if she's an alcoholic she's probably either pissed or hungover when you have these conversations. It won't be long long before my kids are hosting and in no way would I be offended at being asked to bring over a sodding prawn cocktail and a few sausage rolls. It's FAMILY. It's not like you're hosting the Royal family FFS.

Popcorn23 · 17/12/2023 20:52

I don't think you did anything wrong, especially as you mentioned finances are not an issue. Families usually do help each other out.

It sounds a bit like she was looking for an excuse to stay home - maybe the thought of not having Christmas at her own home this year upset her.

echt · 17/12/2023 21:10

I don't think you did anything wrong, especially as you mentioned finances are not an issue. Families usually do help each other out

Except she didn't.

That, the alcoholism, not being nice, the bailing out being cover for getting pissed all came later, in dribs and drabs, still rolling out as the thread develops.

Funny, that.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 21:15

Funny, that.

Chill out it's not a court of law .