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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to bring buffet food?

178 replies

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:42

My parents are coming to us this year for Christmas. I asked mum if she would mind bringing some buffet bits for the evening.. like a prawn cocktail, satay chicken or sausage rolls, or that kind of thing.
She's said that's ridiculous I asked and her and dad will have Christmas at home. I didn't think it was out of order to ask?

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 19:27

I think you were really a bit cheeky then. Could you really not manage to cater for one day? It would be polite for a guest to bring some wine, a bottle of champagne, maybe some cheese, but asking them to bring something when they are over for the day really is rude. I expect your mum was looking forward to not having to battle the supermarket this year.

Seriously? Your mum?

"Rude"

And so "rude" she CANCELS?

What world do some people live in?

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 19:29

*Look, she didn't want to come, she wants to stay at home so she can drink. She's picked this as an excuse, she'll have been looking for one for ages - it doesn't matter what you did or said, this was inevitable.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's really sad, but you need to accept that.*

Exactly this. It's really not about bringing some bits for the buffet.

echt · 17/12/2023 19:31

This.

Colossally rude to change the game. You have excuses for yourself "scatty" and not done it before. And now you're drip feeding all sorts of back story.

You don't seem to like her very much so she's dodged a bullet there.

As for all the PPs inferring she's bailed because she wants to stay at home and drink rather than pissed off because all her years of hospitality have been dumped because the OP can't be arsed buying some sausage rolls. Pfft.

Melodysmum12 · 17/12/2023 19:32

I’d always take something if I went somewhere and wouldn’t mind someone asking me to. Sister’s doing Xmas this year so we are taking dessert. Sounds like more to it and like you’ll have a nicer one without her!

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 19:34

*As for all the PPs inferring she's bailed because she wants to stay at home and drink rather than pissed off because all her years of hospitality have been dumped because the OP can't be arsed buying some sausage rolls. Pfft.
*
You wouldn't go to your own DD's house because she asked to bring "some" bits for the buffet?

Dear Me.

Pfft Indeed. What a storm in a tea cup.

Frasers · 17/12/2023 19:34

To be honest, I’d not do this, you know exactly what you want, sausage rolls and prawn cocktail, if I invite someone to my home, I provide., not ask them to bring the buffet. Why didn’t you just take a note if you are so utterly stressed you think you will forget buffet food? With a note you can’t forget.

the other issues are separate. She over reacted, I guess as she doesn’t ask you to bring the buffet to her house, and her alcoholism, is an illness that is separate.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 19:35

She's never done Christmas dinner since she was a child. Dad always does it all.
Last year she caused a massive argument with her and dad as she was so drunk she didn't tell anyone she'd put pastries in for the evening buffet and they burnt to a crisp.

It wasn't meant to be rude, or cheeky, it was just a case of would you mind just getting a few bits. Even coming shopping with me and just saying I'd get this and this. Don't want nor need any money. A mum who actually cares about me is worth more than money but I don't have that.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 17/12/2023 19:35

She doesn't want ro come she wants to stay at home and drink. No mum would kick off at your ask it is totally reasonable. My mum would always offer and bring stuff even if I said don't worry.

easylikeasundaymorn · 17/12/2023 19:36

people will literally argue anything on here, just to be contrary. I bet in rl they wouldn't say boo to a ghost.

In the real world of course it's completely normal to bring a few inexpensive items to contribute to a family meal. And if you didn't want to for whatever reason a normal response would be 'No, cheeky mare, it's up to the host to provide the food.' (even though I would think that U!)

Not 'that's a ridiculous thing to ask and I'm going to throw my toys out of the pram and not come at all!'

But with your update sounds like her not coming is the best thing all round so maybe take it as a silver lining!

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 19:36

As I say even if she'd have said there and then no you cheeky cow do it all yourself!
Fine. It was the saying yes at the time then being told she won't be coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 19:36

@easylikeasundaymorn you literally said the same thing as I posted it! x

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 19:37

Colossally rude to change the game.

Jeez, we're talking a few dips. For her own DD. Not asking her to cook the dinner and serve it in a santa outfit.

"colossally rude" 😂🤦‍♀️ this is hilarious

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 19:37

@sunglassesonthetable I like you 😂

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 17/12/2023 19:38

Sorry OP but if you have been going to their house for Christmas and never taken anything to them, I do think it’s very rude to ask them to bring anything to you for the one year you are doing it. It would be different if she had offered to bring something, but I do think you asking is cheeky when you haven’t done the same when they have hosted in previous years.

The issues with drinking are entirely separated to this, and do sound difficult, but don’t alter the fact that they have hosted you and put on a spread for you, so now it’s your turn to do it for them. You’ve named a few things you’d have wanted her to buy so you can just go get them yourself?

justasking111 · 17/12/2023 19:38

You're well rid this year. Have a lovely peaceful Christmas.

LifeExperience · 17/12/2023 19:43

Life is too short to spend holidays with sloppy drunks.

Mills86 · 17/12/2023 19:50

When I host, if someone asks what they can bring I insist they don’t bring anything tbh. However, we always ask when we go to others’ houses for meals. I wondered if she had hosted for years with a similar approach of providing everything. But your drip feed provides clarification. I’d just look forward to a less unpredictable Christmas with a drunk if I were you.

Mikimoto · 17/12/2023 19:51

Just invite your dad!!

Bertiesmum3 · 17/12/2023 19:54

I’m having a Christmas party at my house, so I don’t forget anything I’ve asked my children & grandchildren what food they’d like and I’ve booked an online food delivery and I keep adding bits to it!
if one of my adult children asks me to their house, I always transfer them some money to go towards the food

Crazycrazylady · 17/12/2023 19:55

Honestly I don't buy your reasons for asking her to pick up some bits. You're organised enough to text her a week before Xmas telling her exactly what to bring to yours but only because you can't be trusted to remember to pick those up yourself before the weekends - really I'm not sure anyone here would believe that.

The alcohol is a totally separate issue but I don't blame her for being exasperated if she normally does it all .

Viviennemary · 17/12/2023 19:57

I think it's cheeky to ask. Might as well stay at home and do your own.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 20:02

KvotheTheBloodless · 17/12/2023 19:25

Look, she didn't want to come, she wants to stay at home so she can drink. She's picked this as an excuse, she'll have been looking for one for ages - it doesn't matter what you did or said, this was inevitable.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's really sad, but you need to accept that.

And if OP had never asked her to bring anything, NVDM would have probably come to the house, looked and waited to be offended about something, criticized everything and then stomped off home to her waiting bottle.

MumblesParty · 17/12/2023 20:02

OP it’s a pity you didn’t mention at the start that your Mum is an alcoholic, because it would have saved you the bother of reading the hundreds of replies from people who haven’t bothered to read that far.

She's an alcoholic so her main priority every day is alcohol. If she is having to spend the day somewhere that she can’t drink, that will make her feel very scared. She’ll have been dreading this for a long time. Then you made a simple request, and now she has the perfect excuse not to come.

If you hadn’t asked her to bring food, she’d have found another reason not to come, or to leave early.

Is your Dad still coming?

Rochyella84 · 17/12/2023 20:02

I’m amazed people are so horrified that someone hosting an expensive event like Christmas might ask guests to contribute. We always always offer to contribute no matter who is hosting - it can cost hundreds to host Christmas and I don’t see why that entire financial burden should fall to the host. I always offer and if I forgot to offer I wouldn’t be even slightly offended if the host asked me to bring something along.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 20:03

I think it's cheeky to ask. Might as well stay at home and do your own.

What you'd rather miss Christmas with your family and are saying bringing some dips or something is the same as doing a Christmas Dinner?

I seriously do not get it.

And we're not talking about someone who is a vague acquaintance here. Your own daughter.

At measly worst just say you don't have time or something but pull out of Christmas? 🤦‍♀️

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