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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to bring buffet food?

178 replies

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:42

My parents are coming to us this year for Christmas. I asked mum if she would mind bringing some buffet bits for the evening.. like a prawn cocktail, satay chicken or sausage rolls, or that kind of thing.
She's said that's ridiculous I asked and her and dad will have Christmas at home. I didn't think it was out of order to ask?

OP posts:
Kittylala · 17/12/2023 17:59

Are you going to text her back?

Cakeandcardio · 17/12/2023 18:01

Is it possible she doesn't want to come to yours as she wants to drink so she's had this extreme reaction as an excuse not to come?
That's all I can think of because her reaction is very OTT.
In my family, someone hosts and we offer something e.g we would bring pudding or cheeseboard etc.

Simplelobsterhat · 17/12/2023 18:03

I'm surprised so many people think it's unreasonable to ask people to bring something. Christmas is a celebration for everyone, so equally everyone who can should contribute in some way. It's not one person deciding to through a party. The host is providing the space, the majority of the food, doing all the cleaning etc before and after, planning it all. Asking someone to buy a few extras is hardly unreasonable. And I'm with you on fridge space being difficult!

We've asked my parents to bring starters, stuffing and crackers and my mum still keeps asking what else she can do! Mother in law always brings pudding on the years she comes and again offers more. The one year we have been elsewhere recently I asked sil what I could bring and she put me in charge of cakes, so I baked a big one and brought a good selection of other different cake items (we were staying a few days) and i know what I contributed to Xmas was still a drop in the ocean to what she did. I can remember my grandparents insistently handing my mum some money 'for the turkey ' a few weeks before Christmas back when I was a child. I just thought everyone chipping in was the norm!

I suppose if you never took anything when you went there it could be seen as a bit cheeky, but then I think it is a different dynamic when you are going 'home' to your parents. And even if you have been cheeky, she's reacted way over the top!

Put it down to the drink, accept you have had a lucky escape, and don't put yourself out to take kids to see her - tell her she can come to you!

ReindeerHoptimist · 17/12/2023 18:04

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:55

Usually every Christmas we go to theirs. They do dinner around 2-3pm and then a buffet tea around 9pm.

It's always a nice buffet so I just said would you mind picking up a few bits for it.. we've not done one before so I'm just panicking we're going to forget things.

They only live a 5 minute walk away.

Finances are not the issue from their side or ours.

If finances are not an issue then why did you ask her?
You are buying the rest- no issue at all to buy more.

You host- you pay

rothbury · 17/12/2023 18:05

Ex alcohol abuser here…

Did DM know that you wouldn’t have alcohol at your house Christmas Day? Or could she reasonably have assumed that would be the case?

In my Professional Drinking days, I would have fallen out with anyone, yes, even my own children, in order to get my fix.

I suspect this is what might be going on here @alwaystired1988 ? If so, just say you are sorry they won’t be joining you on Christmas Day, they are welcome to come (another time) instead but you won’t be going to theirs Christmas Day. If she starts to see real consequences to her drinking, she might be more likely to get help. 💐

mindutopia · 17/12/2023 18:06

Perfectly normal and polite to ask to bring something to contribute to a holiday celebration. I bloody wish dh’s family would. We’ll have them for a week and I can guarantee they will not contribute a thing, maybe a bottle of wine (I don’t even drink) or packet of crisps. Then all of them will eat and eat and drink and drink for the next 7 days, not even an offer to take us out for a meal or pay for a takeaway. 😩 We’ve spent £500 on food and drink so far not including all the fresh stuff. If it was up to me, they’d not come and we’d spend that on something nice as a family rather than getting in-laws drunk for a week.

But I couldn’t imagine going to someone’s house and not bringing something, especially if asked.

EvilElsa · 17/12/2023 18:09

I completely agree it seems like a blessing in disguise. Don't beg her to come or argue about it or apologise. Enjoy your peaceful day and she can enjoy hers. I ALWAYS ask if I can bring anything and wouldn't be in the least offended to be asked.

StarlightLime · 17/12/2023 18:10

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:55

Usually every Christmas we go to theirs. They do dinner around 2-3pm and then a buffet tea around 9pm.

It's always a nice buffet so I just said would you mind picking up a few bits for it.. we've not done one before so I'm just panicking we're going to forget things.

They only live a 5 minute walk away.

Finances are not the issue from their side or ours.

So they provide all food when you go to theirs? Did that not give you a clue?

Lifechange2020 · 17/12/2023 18:13

I think it’s dawned on her that there will be no alcohol on Christmas Day.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/12/2023 18:14

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 17/12/2023 17:27

Bring a bit 'scatty' and not having done it before is no excuse

Your mum is probably disappointed you can't put in some effort

This!!

Imagwine · 17/12/2023 18:14

It’s not about the bloody buffet though is it? You are focusing on the wrong thing.

There is no way an alcoholic will want to come to a booze free house and be managed. Even if you haven’t explicitly told her your plans, she knows that will be the expectation.

If it wasn’t the buffet, it would be something else as silly.

Silverbirchtwo · 17/12/2023 18:14

A bit much to ask people to bring food if in the past you have gone to theirs and they have done everything. Also nasty to say she's an alcoholic, maybe she is, maybe she isn't. By definition an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than me! Falling asleep on Christmas evening is a fairly universal phenomenon.

Noshowlomo · 17/12/2023 18:16

Extreme overreaction on her part. Whoever hosts in my family, the rest always bring something. A dessert or two, pizzas, dips etc. No issues at all.

Coconutter24 · 17/12/2023 18:16

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:58

She knows I've not done it before, me and my partner are both a bit skatty at the best of times so I just asked her to bring a few bits. Also would help as we don't have much fridge space. I meant like probably what £10 worth of stuff.. I'd even send her the cash for it tbh but I just wanted her to pick as I know she'd make a good choice!

But now toys out of the pram and she's not coming at all.

But did you tell her you would pay for the items, you would just like her to pick them up as she always does a great buffet? Or did you just ask her to bring stuff for the buffet?
Her reaction is way over the top and surely it could have been sorted before it escalated to her not coming. If you go to theirs normally and they provide all food then maybe they expect the same in return

Fairyliz · 17/12/2023 18:21

ChatBFP · 17/12/2023 17:01

Sounds as if she wants an excuse to stay at home and drink....

Yes exactly what I thought as she has gone completely over the top.

Zanatdy · 17/12/2023 18:21

If they normally do it, I wouldn’t ask for them to bring anything. I personally wouldn’t mind being asked

Eddmr · 17/12/2023 18:23

She's probably thrown her toys out of the pram as an excuse to stay at home and drink. Let her get on with it.

MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2023 18:26

Lifechange2020 · 17/12/2023 18:13

I think it’s dawned on her that there will be no alcohol on Christmas Day.

This.

You’ve just provided her with an excuse to take a huff. If she hasn’t been to your house in months there’s clearly something going on and she was probably never going to come even if she sort of intended to. Now it’s only a week away she’s grabbing her chance.

Dont overthink the buffet. Just grab some nice bits and make sure it’s not entirely beige.

Pallisers · 17/12/2023 18:28

ChatBFP · 17/12/2023 17:01

Sounds as if she wants an excuse to stay at home and drink....

yes. She has seized on the first excuse to stay home and drink the way she wants to.

Oldtigernidster · 17/12/2023 18:29

ChatBFP · 17/12/2023 17:01

Sounds as if she wants an excuse to stay at home and drink....

My thoughts exactly!

BeautyFromBad · 17/12/2023 18:30

My mum was an alcoholic and in the last few years of her life, she made all sorts of excuses not to come for Christmas. It hurt, but she just wanted to drink and knew she couldn’t at mine.

you did nothing wrong, OP. Nothing at all. I hope you have a lovely Christmas Day.

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2023 18:32

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:01

She's an alcoholic so the main reason we asked them to come to us is we hoped she wouldn't get drunk if she came to ours as 2 years running now she's got drunk and ruined the day x

Well. she's clearly setting out to sabotage this one too.

BungleandGeorge · 17/12/2023 18:33

I wouldn’t ask a guest to get perishable food as the supermarkets are really busy at Christmas and it would be a pita for them when you have to go anyway. If you host you do generally provide the food! If I was asked I would do it though. Enforcing a dry Christmas on an alcoholic was never going to go well?! Maybe your dad could just come over after she’s passed out at home

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2023 18:34

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:31

Dads not said much. Just he doesn't want me to be stressed. Even he's getting sick of her drinking now.

Perfect example between mum and dad is dad always does sprouts with bacon and chestnuts etc .. he insisted he'd do those, and he's been googling recipes for a stuffing he wanted to try out and bring.

I asked mum if she'd mind doing some ready to eat prawns in a cocktail and bring a few packets of sausage rolls and now she's not coming.

Well tell your dad to at least come round for his dinner

Gymnopedie · 17/12/2023 18:39

However genuinely you thought you might mess it up/not live up to her standards, you were being unreasonable asking her to bring stuff when you've never taken anything to hers. You should have made a lot of lists and done your best.

But... I think by asking her to do so you've handed her a get out of jail free card. And maybe it's taken her five hours to send that message because in that time her cogs have been whirring and she's come to realise she can get a benefit from it. It seems a shame it's going to mess up your father's Christmas though.