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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to bring buffet food?

178 replies

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:42

My parents are coming to us this year for Christmas. I asked mum if she would mind bringing some buffet bits for the evening.. like a prawn cocktail, satay chicken or sausage rolls, or that kind of thing.
She's said that's ridiculous I asked and her and dad will have Christmas at home. I didn't think it was out of order to ask?

OP posts:
DarkForces · 17/12/2023 17:28

I'd find it very hard to try to guess which bits a host might forget...but if she's an alcoholic I'd accept her decision

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 17/12/2023 17:30

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 17/12/2023 17:27

Bring a bit 'scatty' and not having done it before is no excuse

Your mum is probably disappointed you can't put in some effort

You're right, it's not an excuse, it's a valid reason.

We're not all the same and don't worry about the same things.

Raindancer411 · 17/12/2023 17:31

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 17/12/2023 17:06

Ah - just read that she is an alcoholic - relevant info!

Me too... I think personally you will be better off just on your own after that update to things

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:31

Dads not said much. Just he doesn't want me to be stressed. Even he's getting sick of her drinking now.

Perfect example between mum and dad is dad always does sprouts with bacon and chestnuts etc .. he insisted he'd do those, and he's been googling recipes for a stuffing he wanted to try out and bring.

I asked mum if she'd mind doing some ready to eat prawns in a cocktail and bring a few packets of sausage rolls and now she's not coming.

OP posts:
Mynaddmawr · 17/12/2023 17:33

Sounds like something my mum would do (also alcoholic). Massive sulky overreaction to something trivial. Possibly pleased to have an excuse she can stay home in her comfort zone and drink? This way she can convince herself its your fault for causing the perceived offence so can feel guilt free not attending. Sorry if I'm massively projecting here!

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/12/2023 17:34

YANBU DH and I are spending Christmas day with my daughter and family and we will be bringing our share of stuff with us.

ladyvimes · 17/12/2023 17:35

Sounds like she was looking for an excuse not to come. Massive over reaction. YANBU.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 17/12/2023 17:39

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:01

She's an alcoholic so the main reason we asked them to come to us is we hoped she wouldn't get drunk if she came to ours as 2 years running now she's got drunk and ruined the day x

In that case, accept her offer not to come, with alacrity.

rookiemere · 17/12/2023 17:40

Ok it is probably because she is an alcoholic, but surely you can buy sausage rolls yourselves and make or buy a prawn cocktail?

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:41

It's so hard.. I want her to be my mum and I don't want her not in my life.. but she just makes it so damn hard to get on with and never offers support or kindness.. just put downs and makes me feel worse than I usually do about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:43

It's not.. I know it's not hard and as said it's not about money... I just thought it wouldn't be such a hardship.

OP posts:
Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 17/12/2023 17:44

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:41

It's so hard.. I want her to be my mum and I don't want her not in my life.. but she just makes it so damn hard to get on with and never offers support or kindness.. just put downs and makes me feel worse than I usually do about myself.

Christmas time reveals just how hard some parent - child relationships are, her being an alcoholic will be fuelling a lot of what she says and does (and she might not even remember some of it). Has anyone, such as DF, spoken to her about it? Has she admitted she's an alcoholic or not? Seems like she needs help, from somewhere like AA, if she can admit it. You all need support too.

GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 17:45

YABU to ask her to bring something "because you are scatty". You are an adult how hard is it to go to m &S and stick 10 packs of party food in a trolley...?

YABU to ask her to bring stuff when she always provides food and hosts you....

anddddddd...

Yabu to expect an alcoholic to behave resonably.

WickDittington · 17/12/2023 17:46

Usually every Christmas we go to theirs. They do dinner around 2-3pm and then a buffet tea around 9pm.

So in the past, your mother has done Christmas lunch and supper, and you’ve accepted that hospitality.

But you’re not prepared to do the same?

To me, that appears as ungenerous and stingy hosting.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:46

@GreatGateauxsby all she had to say was "no bugger off you sort it all it'll be a learning curve" or words to that effect. But no she stews on it for 5 hours and now she's not coming at all.

OP posts:
pinkspeakers · 17/12/2023 17:48

My sisters always come to us at Christmas and always bring some agreed food eg my sister will always bring cheese board for Christmas day supper (among other things). That seems normal to me - it's a lot to provide everything yourself.

But it depends on whether she provides everything when you go to hers, or if you contribute something.

Letsbe · 17/12/2023 17:48

I think she is being unkind. I would just ignore it and see if she changes her mind.

ExTheCheater · 17/12/2023 17:48

I think it was rude of you to ask, if you've gone to her every year and she has provided everything and the 1 year you offer to host you ask her to bring buffet food. She may as well stay home if she's doing half the job.

Anisette · 17/12/2023 17:50

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:01

She's an alcoholic so the main reason we asked them to come to us is we hoped she wouldn't get drunk if she came to ours as 2 years running now she's got drunk and ruined the day x

Perhaps she's been looking for an excuse not to come in case she doesn't have access to a constant supply of booze.

itsmylife7 · 17/12/2023 17:52

Are you saying your mum and you had a great relationship until 2020 ?

She was kind and you had a good upbringing.
Then all of a sudden she's turned in to a alcoholic ?

5128gap · 17/12/2023 17:53

Of course you should be able to ask your own mum to bring a few buffet things. It's the most normal thing in the world. But your mum is an alcoholic so 'normal' probably isn't much of a feature in your relationship. By staying home she'll actually be doing you a favour. How much more will you relax and enjoy the day if you haven't got your eye on her all the time? Imagine the freedom of that! I'm sorry your mum is like this OP. You are not at fault.

YouStupidGirl · 17/12/2023 17:54

She sounds batshit.

Youve done nothing wrong op - it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask.

Sod her, you’ll probably have a better time without her.

IncompleteSenten · 17/12/2023 17:56

Sounds like a blessing in disguise.
You'll have a more relaxing day without her.

GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 17:58

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:46

@GreatGateauxsby all she had to say was "no bugger off you sort it all it'll be a learning curve" or words to that effect. But no she stews on it for 5 hours and now she's not coming at all.

As much of an annoying Americanism as it is ...
She's allowed to be "butthurt".

She may well been looking forward to "an evening off" and have interpreted your "don't come with your arms swinging" as you not being bothered to host properly which hurt her feelings and made her feel like a burden.

GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 17:58

I also agree with @IncompleteSenten it sounds like a blessing in disguise