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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to bring buffet food?

178 replies

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:42

My parents are coming to us this year for Christmas. I asked mum if she would mind bringing some buffet bits for the evening.. like a prawn cocktail, satay chicken or sausage rolls, or that kind of thing.
She's said that's ridiculous I asked and her and dad will have Christmas at home. I didn't think it was out of order to ask?

OP posts:
TheLurpackYears · 17/12/2023 17:05

Looks like you've dodged a bullet there OP, much easier to leave the house of a messy drunk than to get one out of your own house.
Rubbish that it's your mum though, you deserve a nice Christmas.

ginasevern · 17/12/2023 17:05

It is usual for the host to provide the food just as your mum does when you go to theirs. She has given you some lovely Christmas dinners and buffets over the years and she rightly expects you to return the favour. You are now in your own place presumably with a partner and I'm afraid skattiness isn't really an excuse. We've all got to grow up sometime, and now is a good time to start. If you are genuinely short of fridge space then you could have phrased the problem better and asked her if she would very kindly keep a few things at hers. I can't imagine her objecting to that.

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 17/12/2023 17:06

Ah - just read that she is an alcoholic - relevant info!

lap90 · 17/12/2023 17:07

It does seem like an extreme reaction...
with that said, buffet Christmas food is not rocket science - most supermarkets have those 3 for 2 offers.
You can get plenty of inspo online if you're stuck. Maybe rather than have asked your Mum to buy it, you should have asked if she had any buffet food preferences which you would then buy yourself.

Ilovelurchers · 17/12/2023 17:08

The fact that she is an alcoholic has perhaps contributed to her over reaction here? Was she drunk when all of this happened?

To refuse to attend a celebration at your child's house because you are politely asked to bring something is obviously not the sober response or a rational person - she could surely have just said no, I don't have time, or I would rather you sorted it out for once, or whatever.....

When did all this happen? Is she quite erratic with her emotions usually?

I would just say, look let's not fall out over it mom and don't worry about the buffet. If you love her and want her there, it's not worth an argument.

I don't think it's terrible that you asked her to bring stuff, I also don't think it's terrible she wanted to have a year off and not worry about it. None of it is worth falling out over.

Notmetoo · 17/12/2023 17:08

Perfectly reasonable request. What a strange response from your mum. It very normal to take contributions to meals especially at Christmas time.

PonyPatter44 · 17/12/2023 17:09

Has she already started drinking today, hence the hissy fit and overreaction?

I would leave it for now, carry on catering for them as you planned, and have a quiet word with her later to smooth it over. Buffets are easy to arrange - you already know what you want, so just go and buy it.

ginasevern · 17/12/2023 17:09

Sorry OP, also just read that she's a bit of a nightmare. In which case I would leave her to it. If she gets obliterated every Christmas she's not likely to remember any of it anyway. What's your relationship with your DF like?

esmammy · 17/12/2023 17:10

Take it from someone who's lived it, her coming to you will not stop her from getting drunk and ruining the day. Even if you don't provide copious amounts of alcohol they always find a way. She's probably done you a favour refusing to come. I know it's hard and you have my sympathies.

furtivetussling · 17/12/2023 17:11

Is your parent in the habit of calling you, an adult, ridiculous?

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:15

Christmas up until 2-3 years ago were lovely. Since she started drinking more and more around 2020 she's ruined Christmas since. The first one she got so drunk she started bringing up previous arguments me and DP have had and then it just caused us all to fall out.. last year she was so drunk she quite literally fell and collapsed on the sofa landing on DS (at 5pm) and burnt the buffet food as she was so drunk she forgot she had put it in.

Our thoughts were if she comes to us, we only really have 2 rooms downstairs and she wouldn't go upstairs, we won't miss not having any alcohol in the house - so there is no where she could disappear to where we can't see her to drink. As she hides to get drunk upstairs or in the dining room at home.

Even if she had said "no, grow up and sort it yourself" fine. I asked her at 1pm today and she said it was ok, then she tells me she's now having it at home. But then would expect me to bring the grandkids to see her.

OP posts:
Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 17/12/2023 17:16

Oh @alwaystired1988 you definitely should have mentioned the alcoholic aspect at the start - that definitely will influence how she behaves and what she says. I don't think you were being unreasonable to ask for some help/guidance/practical support as it's your first time hosting, but I'd suggest now just doing your best, making new meal traditions and writing yourself a list of important items. If she chooses not to come then so be it.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:16

@furtivetussling she's called me much worse than that

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 17/12/2023 17:17

No idea what the relationship is between you and your DM. It started nicely and then she's an awful person.
Bottom line is you invite people then host unless you're unable to.
If you're scatty make a list.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:18

@Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter that's all it was. I wanted a bit of help as I'm stressed we'll forget something. We've only done dinner once at hours and dp's parents who live abroad were staying with us and his mum loves to take over so she kind of directed us, did the big shop with us etc. we've not done it "solo" so to speak as embarrassing as it is at our age.

It's not money at all, or even laziness. It was just being anxious it'll be shit

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:19

DF is lovely, he will just go with the flow sometimes a bit too much

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:21

My relationship with mum is no where near as close as it once was since she started drinking. She's fine during daytime hours although she rarely makes effort to see me I have to go and see her or ask if she wants to do something (which she usually refuses) and when she's drinking she's quite nasty

OP posts:
BrimfulOfMash · 17/12/2023 17:21

Well, in our family we all muck in and share the catering. I am going to a relatives for Xmas dinner and am taking the Veggie Alternative. So I don’t get people saying it’s odd or off to share out the catering.

But your Mum’s tantrum isn’t really about that.

And I think you are being unrealistic thinking you can ‘manage’ her drinking. If she is a nuisance when she drinks and a pain when you try and manage her, drop the rope. Let her stay at home. I would talk very candidly to your Dad about it though.

DragonFly98 · 17/12/2023 17:24

Why would you forget something? Just make a list and tick it off.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 17/12/2023 17:25

It’s not an unreasonable request. Sounds like she wanted to bring herself and not make any effort. If I stay at anyone’s house I always check if anything is needed. It’s good that you suggested a few things at least.
She sounds like a drama llama. I’m going to db Christmas Eve so will take something for the buffet. Fil is coming Christmas Day and he’s bringing the Christmas pudding and custard which he does every year.

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 17/12/2023 17:25

How does your dad feel about all this? I agree with @BrimfulOfMash with having a candid discussion with him.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 17/12/2023 17:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest! We're coming back to our house on Christmas day after the meal just for games, drinks and nibbles and my mum has insisted on bringing one of her fabulous fish platters. It's not really a big ask to bring a packet of sausage rolls I'd have thought...

Callyem · 17/12/2023 17:26

I guess if you usually go to her and she provides everything as host, she is fair in the assumption that you would do the same. She was probably looking forward to relinquishing all responsibility and you've piled it back on her.

That said, she has over reacted in response.

Merryoldgoat · 17/12/2023 17:27

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:01

She's an alcoholic so the main reason we asked them to come to us is we hoped she wouldn't get drunk if she came to ours as 2 years running now she's got drunk and ruined the day x

FFS.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 17/12/2023 17:27

Bring a bit 'scatty' and not having done it before is no excuse

Your mum is probably disappointed you can't put in some effort