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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask her to bring buffet food?

178 replies

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:42

My parents are coming to us this year for Christmas. I asked mum if she would mind bringing some buffet bits for the evening.. like a prawn cocktail, satay chicken or sausage rolls, or that kind of thing.
She's said that's ridiculous I asked and her and dad will have Christmas at home. I didn't think it was out of order to ask?

OP posts:
Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 17/12/2023 18:44

This would be a completely normal and happily accepted request within my family

StarlightLime · 17/12/2023 18:46

However genuinely you thought you might mess it up/not live up to her standards
Some prawns and packets of sausage rolls? How far wrong can you go?

Winter2020 · 17/12/2023 18:48

At first I thought perhaps your mum was fed up that she has hosted you for years, and then when you hosted you want her to bring stuff, but your later information that your mum is an alcoholic really changes everything.

On some level she will be delighted that she now gets to stay home - feel sorry for herself and get smashed. Don't beat yourself up about it she would probably have found a reason to either stay home or leave ASAP to drink.

I'm sorry you don't have the mum that you deserve. You can't stop or control her drinking. You can't even stop her from prioritising drinking over people. I think you would benefit from joining one of the groups for the families of alcoholics for support.

Have your lovely Christmas at home. Your door is open to her but expect that she will let you down so you won't be too disappointed. Have a lovely day with your own family. Tell your dad he is still welcome if he wants to come. Don't make your children go out to visit an alcoholic on Christmas day.

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 18:54

Usually every Christmas we go to theirs. They do dinner around 2-3pm and then a buffet tea around 9pm.

What food stuff do you take to her buffet?

If you don’t take things to her buffet when she does it, then it’s very rude to ask her to bring it to you.

The fact that she’s an alcoholic and can still provide everyone with a cooked dinner and buffet, paints you in an even worse light.

You know what she usually has at the buffet so just get the same.

MaidOfSteel · 17/12/2023 18:57

I think her reaction is a bit over the top, in all honesty.

henrysugar12 · 17/12/2023 18:58

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:01

She's an alcoholic so the main reason we asked them to come to us is we hoped she wouldn't get drunk if she came to ours as 2 years running now she's got drunk and ruined the day x

So I'm guessing the buffet is the excuse she needs to stay at home and get drunk...

Goodlard · 17/12/2023 19:03

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:55

Usually every Christmas we go to theirs. They do dinner around 2-3pm and then a buffet tea around 9pm.

It's always a nice buffet so I just said would you mind picking up a few bits for it.. we've not done one before so I'm just panicking we're going to forget things.

They only live a 5 minute walk away.

Finances are not the issue from their side or ours.

Well write yourself a list, so you won't forget?

Mamarama2u2 · 17/12/2023 19:04

To me it sounds like she’s looking for an excuse. Does she know she’s not getting alcohol if she comes to you? It seems like she’s just started an argument so she can stay at home and drink!

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/12/2023 19:04

No you weren’t wring to request they bring some snacks etc, however on mn folk will insist a guest must never be imposed upon or expected to contribute . If I’m going to someone as a guest yes I’ll ask shall I bring something? Often host will say yes..wine..bread..desserts

Northernsouloldies · 17/12/2023 19:06

A lot of pp have missed the fact your mum is an alcoholic. If she can't behave with a drink and upsets people, ruins the day it's probably a blessing she stays at hers.

SacreBleugh · 17/12/2023 19:10

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 17:01

She's an alcoholic so the main reason we asked them to come to us is we hoped she wouldn't get drunk if she came to ours as 2 years running now she's got drunk and ruined the day x

Talk about burying the lead OP! That's obviously the issue right there. She wants to stay at home and drink. It's not about chicken satay and prawns.

Muchof · 17/12/2023 19:12

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 16:55

Usually every Christmas we go to theirs. They do dinner around 2-3pm and then a buffet tea around 9pm.

It's always a nice buffet so I just said would you mind picking up a few bits for it.. we've not done one before so I'm just panicking we're going to forget things.

They only live a 5 minute walk away.

Finances are not the issue from their side or ours.

I think you were really a bit cheeky then. Could you really not manage to cater for one day? It would be polite for a guest to bring some wine, a bottle of champagne, maybe some cheese, but asking them to bring something when they are over for the day really is rude. I expect your mum was looking forward to not having to battle the supermarket this year.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 19:13

@Muchof I probably wouldn't ask someone with an alcohol addition to bring wine 🤦🏼‍♀️ she can't get pissed on sausage rolls

OP posts:
Muchof · 17/12/2023 19:14

Northernsouloldies · 17/12/2023 19:06

A lot of pp have missed the fact your mum is an alcoholic. If she can't behave with a drink and upsets people, ruins the day it's probably a blessing she stays at hers.

I often ignore the drip feeds, usually added in if OP finds the responses aren’t going as she would like.

Parentofeanda · 17/12/2023 19:15

pretty normal in my family to take something when someone else is hosting :S its better than having to provide EVERYTHING at your own house

Muchof · 17/12/2023 19:16

alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 19:13

@Muchof I probably wouldn't ask someone with an alcohol addition to bring wine 🤦🏼‍♀️ she can't get pissed on sausage rolls

Eh? I specifically said, it was pretty rude to ask them to bring anything in the circumstances. I certainly didn’t say anything about telling them to bring wine and there was no mention of alcoholism in your first post anyway. Funny that.

MsRosley · 17/12/2023 19:16

purpleme12 · 17/12/2023 17:01

I don't think you did anything wrong OP

Nor do I. Fuxake, what's wrong with people? And absolutely ridiculous over-reaction to cancel over it.

Northernsouloldies · 17/12/2023 19:17

Fair enough. I wouldn't be subjecting my kids to alcoholic ranting granny.

Icantbedoingwithit · 17/12/2023 19:18

The excuse you use for why you asked her is absolutely ridiculous. So between you and your husband you cannot knock a few things together for a buffet that you have every year in her house? Have you got memory loss? Had you said it was a financial issue that would be quite different. I also agree on the drip feed as per PP.

Original poster
alwaystired1988 · 17/12/2023 19:18

@Muchof quote " It would be polite for a guest to bring some wine, a bottle of champagne"

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 19:20

In my world you always say " can I bring something ?" and

Paddleboarder · 17/12/2023 19:22

When I host Christmas my mum always offers to bring stuff and usually buys a lot even though I also shop for it!

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 19:23

In my world you always say " can I bring something?"

Don't find that the least bit unusual! All these posters saying otherwise.

I'm doing Christmas this year. Mum providing the Smoked Salmon, Sister bringing Pudding and friend bringing Cheese Board.

No biggie at all. I think your mum is behaving very strangely. But I don't think it's an ettique thing. The drinking

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 19:24

It's the drinking at the bottom of it all .

KvotheTheBloodless · 17/12/2023 19:25

Look, she didn't want to come, she wants to stay at home so she can drink. She's picked this as an excuse, she'll have been looking for one for ages - it doesn't matter what you did or said, this was inevitable.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's really sad, but you need to accept that.