Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

So sorry for all this nightmare you are going through.
My concern would be for FIL now. It might be time to start getting things in order for him while she is out of the picture. Definitely financial affairs but also making sure anything of value is out of the house if he can’t refuse her entry.
I would also be looking at safeguarding him from her. It’s such an awful situation to be in…. Sending you a big hug x

No. The biggest problem is the addiction. And the general lack of understanding of it by those surrounding her.

You might disagree with people on the thread, but I don’t think the OP lacks understanding. She is just trying to do her best in a difficult situation.

Agreed, I dont lack any understanding. As I mentioned I had to exactly these scenarios of not worse with my own mother so I understand fully th consequences of addiction. My concern was he physical and mental safety which is why I chose to bring wjr to a place of safety where she could get some help despite people thinking she was not worthy of my help. I am a human being and at the end of the day it's not in my nature to just leave someone in danger regardless of what they have done or the way they behaved.

It's a shame that the authorities have deemed that she has mental capacity. My late BIL was an alcoholic, and because he could be violent it was enough to get him into paid residential care.
He died as a result of his addiction.

I would persevere with trying to get her into residential care, and stress how violent she can be.

@AlwaysAnxiousAnnie

I understand you and your thought process around all of this. My brother is an addict of a different substance which has regularly put him into psychosis and similar - many hours following him around the streets and making sure he doesn't do something stupid while he's in this state, many hours in A&E stopping him from attacking complete strangers. Every time he was taken it was deemed he couldn't be assessed due to it all being substance induced then once he was sober he was deemed to be stable and no issues.

It's the most relentless, painful and confusing cycle for a loved one to have to witness, because it feels like nobody will help and there's red tape everywhere you look - people who haven't been in the situation feel it must be easy to cut someone off who's caused these major upsets.

The truth is, as you've said, you're still a human being with a level of empathy and you cannot bring yourself to abandon somebody who is ultimately very vulnerable, no matter how they're in that situation, whether they've done it to themselves or not, they still must be scared and confused and sick.

I don't really know what I really mean to say with this other than I hear you and I completely understand the feeling of being in a tug of war between what you SHOULD do and what you WANT to do. I wouldn't addiction upon anybody.

And what is it about addiction that you think people should understand @pam290358 ? And how does understanding it change your lived experience?

In the OP's case, whatever they understand, their choice is put up with the abuse, put up with some abuse or walk away. No amount of understanding changes that choice or unlocks some exciting secret option by which they do X and the problem is solved.

Ok, I'm going to be harsh now. Unfortunately that's how enabling works, because people like yourself just can't allow them to hit rock bottom for themselves. What did you think the the police were going to do if you refused to collect her from the airport, arrest you? Come on, you know deep down that you are playing saviour here. She isn't even your relative, it's your husband's family and even he is saying no, but it's you that's still pandering to her and in doing so as much as you won't want to hear this, you're not being a part of the solution. Rescuers are a part of the problem. The reason she won't change is because she doesn't have to. Everyone else actually related to her has refused to carry on with the charade but you still insist on being the rescuer going against their wishes knowing full well that nothing is going to change and her behaviour will just continue. You could just keep out of it and respect your father in law and husband's wishes, but I think it's obvious now that you are not going to do that, even after all this. Why do you feel bad? Why are you feeling guilty? This isn't your dilemma. What about loyalty to your husband and his dad, instead of misguided loyalty to her? Perhaps have a good long think and ask yourself why you are actively undermining the change your husband and father in law are trying to bring about when it doesn't even concern you.

I think i would help her fly home. But then cut her out for good

CaroleSinger is right, look up the Karpman drama Triangle. The three positions are Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer, and 'Alcoholic' was one of the first recognised 'games'.

How does your husband feel about you continuing the relationship with his mother after he decided to step back?

This was what I was alluding to when I referred to you "getting something out of this set up"

Glad you are safe & collection was uneventful.
On one level, fair play for collecting her -you're a better woman than me / glutton for punishment (delete as appropriate)

Where have I said I'm continuing my relationship,? DH and FiL asked me to collect her from the airport if you read the entire comments. Which is what I did. She was early unwell. I took.her to hospital where she remains. They have called FiL and he has told them we withdraw all support despite them pressuring us. In no way am I continuing to enable her at all. Maybe catch up on the entire story before coming here to shame me and my choices.

I'm not persecuting you and you are not a victim.

No I'm not avixyim.akd.ive never portrayed myself as such and yes you are persecuting me. I'm "continuing this relationship". Which I am not. I've clearly stated all support is withdrawn now she is safe.. getting her to a place of safety is a.himane and compassionate thing to do. I would do the same for a stranger.

You haven't been 'roped Into it' at all. You're choosing to do this because you're getting something out of being the rescuer. As I said, have a good long think about why you are making excuses and actively undermining something that doesn't even concern you. That's where the problem is. You're still playing the game no matter how much you try to fool yourself you're doing it because you're such a godly person who can't possibly leave her stranded a few miles down the road. Where's your loyalty to your husband and his father in all this? I'd be feeling pretty betrayed by your actions right now if I were them.

What do.i.get out of the his set up,? Absolutely nothing. Apart from the stress and worry. I just couldn't live with myself knowing I left her in the state that she was in. Honestly. Where's the humanity.

Do you understand your husbands position?

It sounds harsh, but I'd be tempted to discuss going low or no contact.
These kind of people are just a constant drain, and will be until someone takes a stand and cuts them off.

I also wouldn't be helping.

Yes i do actually..if.tou read my earlier.xommemts you will see that I've had th se.if not worse experiences with my own mother. I came here for people advice and thoughts not people's judgement on a whole othe backstory they know nothing about. I'm getting defensive b cause.people like you are making me out to be a bad person and.i don't feel like I am. AT ALL. I supported my husbands choice to leave her. I supported his choice to have her picked up from the airport and his choice to have her taken to a place of safety so tell me how I'm being unsupportive and not understanding his position. Its easy for people that have no prior experience to judge my choices.

Have you ever been in a car when someone grabs the wheel and throws the car all over the motorway at 70?

Or tries to open the door and climb out while it's on the motorway?

Or hitting the driver?

You do know extremely aggressive, drunk people can do this, right? Or would you consider that behaviour perfectly acceptable?

Because there's no half way here. You accept the risk they might behave like that when you let them in the car. The results can be horrendous.

The OP got away with it, putting her own need to save her MiL ahead of the potential risk for a crash injuring herself or others.

But that's exactly what it was. A very high risk, because this woman has already behaved like that.

Personally I think being safe and whole for your dependent children is more important.

How do you get out of a trauma triangle?
''None of this means you care less about people. It simply means you’ll be able to make better choices for yourself and for others who are stuck in Drama Triangles of their own.''
https://www.listeningpartnership.com/insight/about-the-drama-triangle-and-how-to-escape-it/

So you admit that you are choosing to do this then? Well at least we're agreed on one thing 😉

I'm glad your MIL is safely in hospital now, but I do agree that the police would have done the same thing and your input wasn't actually necessary. It is really important for the sake of your husband and FIL that you support them the next time there is a crisis. Because it is almost certain there will be another one soon and she will 'need help' again. She is likely to discharge herself from hospital asap so she can access drink. As I've said before I can totally empathise with your desire to rescue her when she falls, but it IS enabling. Stay strong and have a lovely Christmas. x

You are a good person, OP.

One quick thing... is it worth moving FIL back home and then making sure that upon release from hospital it is her who is homeless (as he cannot possibly be safe if she moves back into the house he is living is safely and alone), not him?

Her husband's position is that he (and FIL) asked her to go and collect MIL. Which OP did.