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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

520 replies

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 17/12/2023 16:02

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/12/2023 22:13

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 22:01

I understand everyone's concerns and honestly the long and short of it is I cannot just leave her. I just can't do it.. my head tells me to fuck her but my heart tells me to just get her and make her safe. I think it's not fair though for people to be judging my parenting tbh. "where is your child" and "I hope your not going with a child in tow". Very judgemental, I draw the line at bringing my toddler along. I feel very attacked and I understand people's concerns and opinions, but I'm also grateful for everyone's support.

I hope going forward you tread very carefully and do not end up being a flying monkey to your own husband.

It takes a lot to decide to walk away from an abusive, alcoholic parent and having her forced into his life by his own wife - the person who should support him the most - and her "cannot leave her" will make an incredibly difficult situation even worse.

You cannot make an alcoholic safe. And you are literally putting yourself in danger.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 18/12/2023 22:15

Your issue @AlwaysAnxiousAnnie is your own mother, who you couldn't rescue. I think you're trying again, and sadly it'll have the sane outcome.

mathanxiety · 18/12/2023 22:17

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 22:01

I understand everyone's concerns and honestly the long and short of it is I cannot just leave her. I just can't do it.. my head tells me to fuck her but my heart tells me to just get her and make her safe. I think it's not fair though for people to be judging my parenting tbh. "where is your child" and "I hope your not going with a child in tow". Very judgemental, I draw the line at bringing my toddler along. I feel very attacked and I understand people's concerns and opinions, but I'm also grateful for everyone's support.

This is all kinds of messed up.

You need to get to the bottom of your need to be needed, or your savior complex, whichever it is.

You are not helping MIL here.

You're indulging some very strong need of your own.

Yeahno · 18/12/2023 22:21

You are doing the right thing OP. Well done. People can be so dramatic here.

momonpurpose · 18/12/2023 22:23

GreatGateauxsby · 18/12/2023 22:01

Absolute madness.
You are being totally wreckless and a classic enabler.

This is 100% the wrong thing to do...

It says SO much that it isn't her own child going out - you are... Because on some level you like it... What exactly it is, you like I am not sure

But you need to establish what you are getting out of this as clearly on some level you are getting some needs met by your MIL otherwise you wouldn't keep going back for more...

It's like some sick type of savior complex. Why bother staring a post if you are just going to run to save her every time for some need in yourself to be a savior. Honestly op please get some therapy. You have a child. Your job is is to be there for your child not running off to play captain save a alcoholholic.

Dottymug · 18/12/2023 22:34

'She's turned hostile and violent. ' @Yeahno there is actual danger in this situation. Nobody is being over-dramatic.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/12/2023 22:35

Yeahno · 18/12/2023 22:21

You are doing the right thing OP. Well done. People can be so dramatic here.

Not sure that anyone is being dramatic about the potential harm a psychotic adult can do, especially when it's not a first offence.

Maybe you should go instead of OP?

Ramalangadingdong · 18/12/2023 22:39

“Just to minimise problems in the car can you make sure she sits in the back?”

And wears a straitjacket.

Redshoeblueshoe · 18/12/2023 22:41

Ramalangadingdong · 18/12/2023 22:39

“Just to minimise problems in the car can you make sure she sits in the back?”

And wears a straitjacket.

Absolutely this

RampantIvy · 18/12/2023 22:44

If she is behaving violently in the airport on her return would the authorities even allow her into your care, especially as you will be driving without any other passengers to keep her under control?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 18/12/2023 22:44

But she could still hit op from the back seat, grab the gear stuck etc.
I think it's ridiculous but if you are determined to facilitate her, you need to do it on public transport.
Wonder how keen she'll be if not chauffeur driven home?

Lavender14 · 18/12/2023 22:44

Op I often work with people who struggle with substances. The last time I drove someone under the influence in my car (they got progressively more under the influence while we drove and seemed reasonably sober when we left) they tried to pull the handbrake in my car while we were doing 70 on the motorway.

This is not safe nor appropriate and i can't discourage you enough from doing it.

What are you going to do if you get there and she's under the influence. Are you going to leave her standing there and drive home?

What are you going to do if while in your car you realise she's been drinking and it hits her while you're on your way and she becomes aggressive?

How exactly do you intend to kick her out of your car if she's drunk, aggressive and you're alone?

This is something you do with another person (dh) and mil sober in the back seat with child lock on or not at all.

I understand not wanting to leave her but you need to put yourself first in this scenario. What if she causes an accident? That will affect your dd if it affects you.

Your dh should not be expecting you to do this alone, he's actually completely out of order asking it. Can he not book leave and deal with this with you?

You've a good heart op but this is not a good idea. You need to draw a line somewhere and this is it. Can you not all go in on her taxi fare together and split the cost and then be done with it.

SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 22:46

OP do you remeber 8am you? Who said now she was going to be back in the UK you were going to let her make her own way home?

Rosscameasdoody · 18/12/2023 23:09

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 18/12/2023 09:33

@Rosscameasdoody so you don't support Al-anons advice to family.... " I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it" but are more of the, 'what they do and what happens to them if they keep drinking will be your fault'?

It’s not the OP’s or the family’s fault whatever happens, but Al Anons’ advice isn’t appropriate if they’re advocating abandoning someone as sick as MiL sounds. If she’s lost capacity to behave rationally there’s a safeguarding issue. I doubt it will be very long before she has to be hospitalised - probably when she has a bad fall, and things will go from there.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 18/12/2023 23:39

So what happens if someone like the mil has no family @Rosscameasdoody? If its as bad as a safeguarding issue then there's professional services that can step in.
Am saddened you'd actually be so callous to tell people that Al Anon are wrong and that they should put themselves at risk to deal with someone as selfish and dangerous as the mil.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 23:45

I haven't had time to read all posts. We made it. She's very very sick. I'm supposing withdrawal. I've dropped her of at A & E and they've taken her straight in. She couldn't string a sentence together, sweating, shaking etc. I didn't know what else to do but I couldn't just drop her home while she was that sick.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
BoredofBlonde · 18/12/2023 23:48

Thanks for the update.

I hope your H and FiL appreciate what you did and buy you a ruddy great bunch of flowers/ chocs.

I totally understand you felt you had no choice but to get her (you DID have a choice, but heyho), but surely NOW you can let others pick up the slack? I hope you are not down as Next of Kin for the hospital

RhannionKPSS · 18/12/2023 23:50

Now she should get the help she needs, leave her to the social services and don’t endanger your child by having anything to do with her from now on. It’s sad, but some people just can’t get it together when it comes to alcoholism. She will cause you & your family even more grief.

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 18/12/2023 23:55

BoredofBlonde · 18/12/2023 23:48

Thanks for the update.

I hope your H and FiL appreciate what you did and buy you a ruddy great bunch of flowers/ chocs.

I totally understand you felt you had no choice but to get her (you DID have a choice, but heyho), but surely NOW you can let others pick up the slack? I hope you are not down as Next of Kin for the hospital

No I am not thankfully. This won't be her first stay for the withdrawal or her last I bet.

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 19/12/2023 00:02

Well, thankfully nothing too awful happened. I think you were fortunate, and that you ran an unnecessary risk.

Now will you walk away?

AlwaysAnxiousAnnie · 19/12/2023 00:04

SequentialAnalyst · 19/12/2023 00:02

Well, thankfully nothing too awful happened. I think you were fortunate, and that you ran an unnecessary risk.

Now will you walk away?

Yes I've dropped her at the hospital and uv and v b said she's not my problem so please don't call unless obviously sh becomes seriously unwell at deaths door we are not interested.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 19/12/2023 00:16

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 18/12/2023 23:39

So what happens if someone like the mil has no family @Rosscameasdoody? If its as bad as a safeguarding issue then there's professional services that can step in.
Am saddened you'd actually be so callous to tell people that Al Anon are wrong and that they should put themselves at risk to deal with someone as selfish and dangerous as the mil.

And I’m saddened to think that you would consider advice to abandon someone who is so sick to their fate as reasonable. And I didn’t say Al Anon were wrong. I said their advice isn’t appropriate for someone so sick because there’s a safeguarding issue.and if you read the OP’s latest update she’s dropped MiL at the hospital and she is being admitted with withdrawal symptoms. I suspect she’s very ill because sudden withdrawal when you’re drinking so heavily is incredibly dangerous. High risk of seizure and coma.

dapsnotplimsolls · 19/12/2023 00:17

I'm glad she's safe.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/12/2023 00:19

mathanxiety · 18/12/2023 22:17

This is all kinds of messed up.

You need to get to the bottom of your need to be needed, or your savior complex, whichever it is.

You are not helping MIL here.

You're indulging some very strong need of your own.

Such as the need to make sure her MiL is safe ?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/12/2023 00:29

when people wonder why folks with addicted and abusive parents or partners don’t leave or walk away they should look at some of the comments on this thread.

Thats what folks face every day. Putting your safety first when it all gets too much gets emotive language like “abandoning” thrown in your face at every turn.

It’s ok to put your safety and mental health first. It genuinely is.

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