Nightmare MIL-now shes stranded!!

[AlwaysAnxiousAnnie]

This might be a bit long winded but I'll try and shorten it down.

I posted before about my MIL. Basically she has long standing issue with alcohol. She will not stop drinking and she's torn our whole family apart in the process. Shes been admitted to hospital several times over the last 12 weeks because of her strange behaviour, symptoms. Theyv said she has alcohol related brain damage and alcohol induced psychosis, she was even briefly sectioned. She is delusional and delirious. She believes things that aren't true and even acts on these strange thoughts and scenarios in her head. For example, she booked and paid for a wedding for me and her son, suits, tiaras, all sorts. Holidays,hot tubs, puppies. She's turned hostile and violent. Assulating me, assulating her husband, criminal damage, causing a nuisance in the town, getting busses to towns 20 miles a day in her dressing gown and being confused. We've tried to get her all the help but social won't touch her and neither will GPs or anyone really because it's all alcohol induced and she's said she won't stop until she's dead. Her husband has been staying with us because the police were called loads of times and she is deemed as a risk to him. He's 75, shes 20 years younger. Anyway, last week she begged him to go home, all was fine for a few days, they booked a last min holiday that DIL paid for. The night before die to fly she kicked off and assaulted him, she was arrested and put in court but no charges b cause they couldn't "prove" and she maintained that he is the one that assaulted her. (Not true, she's gone through phases of going round telling anyone who will listen that we've all been handy with her,,including her son being in prison for assulating her lol) so he went on this holiday by himself. He was there four days and she decided to book her own flight and fly out there. She was there four days and the whole tim, she had been throwing bottles and smashing them, throwing her own shit at him, all sorts of stupid behaviour all because he's trying to reign in her drinking. You can't tell her, she never accepts responsibility or accountability for anything she's done and she's done some stupid shit! Its always everyone else's fault. So yesterday DIL flew back to the UK and left her there. We've since learned that they've kicked her out of the hotel for her behaviour, she's got no money. We've had the British embassy on the phone asking us to send money and book her a flight, she's at the airport abroad. she's lost her passport but they've said they will sort her some documents if we sort the flight. My partner has said no. He's not bailing her out anymore and she needs to accept responsibility (she's still maintaining that it's all DILS fault and she's done nothing wrong) DIL won't help her. I feel terrible and now we are all disagreeing because I'm saying we need to help her get home and they are saying nom she's made her bed and this might be the wake up call she needs. Thoughts?
The embassy have said they are speaking to the holiday provider about getting her home but we don't actually know yet what's happening, we've had no more correspondence. I do understand why my partner and DIL are so cross, she has put us through hell and back the last 12 weeks and each time she does something more and more extreme. She's caused us so many problems with police and social services (I have an ,18 month old) and we were safeguarded because of her coming to my house every day and kicking the doors in) . I know this is long but I just wanted to know what would other people do, how would they feel? I'm so upset

Wow, you’ve been incredible, OP. I’m glad she’s back and in hospital. You were v. brave to collect her on your own -tbh, I think that your DH should have gone with you to protect you, but thank goodness you made it ok.

The biggest problem in this whole scenario has been FIL.

HE was the one that booked the holiday. HE should have made sure she had no access to alcohol while there. HE was one who abandoned her in Spain when the going got tough. And finally, HE refused to collect her from the airport and allowed his DIL to make the dangerous trip to pick her up and deliver her to hospital.

FIL has a lot to answer for and if I was DIL he would not be welcome to stay in my attic room, he must be allowed to learn his own lessons too and that includes not putting his family at risk while enabling his own alcoholic wife.

Don't get involved.

The embassy will handle it. There may be a problem with the airline especially if she's drunk and abusive.

Then she must be sectioned and treated on return.

Your poor FIL needs support and help.

My apologies, I'd skipped your update.

I'm glad both of you made it safely. She's in the right place. Now you try to relax and let life take its course.

That is very unfair. FIL booked the holiday but actually went alone because of her terrible behaviour towards him. She then booked her own flight out. He also is not responsible for her alcohol intake. The home they rent is adapted for her needs and she has been violent towards him. OP and her DH are ensuring his safety by allowing him to stay with them. None of this is her FILs fault. He sounds like he has been trying to make things work but has been manipulated and lied to constantly. If it was the other way around you wouldn't be saying he was at fault you would say he was being gaslit and controlled.

OP, rest assured, you did the right thing. Your compassion is impressive.

Nobody would want to be in your position, but it’s clear from your account that you weren’t enabling an alcoholic to get drunk, you were delivering a very sick woman to the place where she could receive the right care. As risky as it was to go alone, you still had the courage to act responsibly and get MIL to A&E.

She had been on a downward spiral for weeks it seems, wreaking havoc everywhere she went in her desperation to get a drink and prove to herself that her crazy behaviour was normal. That’s her very sad life. Like you say, it’s doubtful that this is the last of it but I hope at least it’s a good outcome for a couple of weeks for your little family and you get peace over the Christmas period, before the whole cycle starts for her again.

When it does start again, you are right to want to stay well out of it from now on. That must be your pledge to yourself now. No more involvement. no more interventions from you. She is now on home ground so you must leave her to the police, SS, the nhs and those others she chooses to get involved with now.

I hope your FIL can divorce and manage to rent a small home of his own. and you can all recover a bit from the trauma. All the best!

Beautifully said LAMPS1. I agree wholeheartedly.

OP, I wouldn't have been able to leave her stranded either.

Absolutely not.
The biggest problem is the MIL

Hi OP,

I just wanted to send you some love. I lost my sister to alcoholism and a lot of what you've posted reflects what we went through with her. She sounds very unwell but I just wanted to send you and your family strength and best wishes.

You're not alone and I think it's important you access help and support from local outreach services, even if it's just a cup of tea and a chat at the local community centre. When my sister died, it took months of therapy to get better again. Having an alcoholic close family member is a frustrating, impossible and hopeless situation and every next step you take feels muddy, confusing, hopeful but realistic. It's never as simple as saying "not your responsibility" and wiping your hands clean off her as posters have advised. It's complicated, hard and heart-breaking. I just wanted you to know you and your family are not alone.

You mention twelve weeks. Is it that her behaviour has worsened in the last twelve weeks?

Thanks for updating op, I'm really glad she was fit for you to drive her and the journey was OK and you were safe. She's now in the best possible place to get care and hopefully you now feel you've done all you can for her and can close the metaphorical door with clear conscience.

OP, I hope you get a day to destress and clear your head. Given all you went though with your own mum, now going through similar with your MIL must be hard.

I think picking her up and taking her to hospital was the right thing to do, for her, for you and for your DH and FIL.

In a few days there will be a real test of your resolve. The hospital will call you when she is “well enough” to be moved on. They will exert pressure that as family you need to pick her up. And Christmas will add to that. Talk it through with everyone and make a plan on how to say “no, she is not safe to be released to her own care”.

Give your little one a hug and do something wholesome with them today!

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze i wish more people like you had posted. It was tough to read people saying leave her to rot, she’s vile etc. Alcoholism is a mental illness and MH problems are often far from pretty. I felt quite upset at the thought of someone so sick being left stranded. There is a difference between reasonable humane support and enablement and many seem to have forgotten that. We have no idea what this woman has been through to get to this point. Perhaps FIL has some insight there having lived with her. Op has behaved impeccably even though the problem isn’t hers to deal with imo. Glad that MIL is now in safe hands. Good luck to all.

Very much agree

For someone who has been drinking like this for such a long time, and in quantities enough to cause brain damage and psychosis, denying access to alcohol is probably the worst thing that could happen. Sudden withdrawal can exacerbate the psychosis and cause seizures, and can even be fatal. I’m really shocked at some of the vile comments here, and at the level of ignorance of the serious and irreversible damage that MiL will have done to herself at this stage.

Alcoholism is an illness and it has a terrible effect on the sufferer and those who love them and I can understand why you have to step away when it’s clear the person doesn’t want help. But this is late stage and involves irreversible effects , which will likely get worse regardless of whether or not the drinking stops. There is brain damage and mental health involvement, and there will almost certainly be advanced damage to other internal organs by now.

OP was clearly worried and not prepared to abandon MiL as advocated by a lot of people here, and came in for a lot of nasty comments as a result. She did exactly the right thing by taking MiL to the hospital as it was clear she was very unwell and in need of urgent treatment. She will be very vulnerable and given the long term sustained abuse, it’s possible she will be facing a terminal diagnosis. Regardless of the undeniable fact that her own actions have brought her to this stage, now is not the time to abandon her to her fate. Are people really advocating that her own family should now do exactly that and leave her to face what comes next alone ?

Alcoholism is a mental illness and MH problems are often far from pretty.

There is no reason to assume that all alcoholics are abusive, but some abusive people are alcoholics.

In this case the police have repeatedly been called out to prevent physical abuse. You are right, we don’t know the longer back story, but we know that the MIL has been a perpetrator of domestic abuse.

It doesn’t help people suffering from mental illnesses or addiction to suggest that these conditions are a default excuse for abuse.

There is no neat equation that balances chaos and harm caused by domestic abuse with an explanatory back story.

If MiL was in withdrawal when she was admitted it’ll be more than a few days before she is discharged. At this level of sustained alcohol abuse, the body’s dependence on alcohol is huge and withdrawal will have to be managed medically.

There will likely also be a re-evaluation of her condition and the cumulative damage. Given that she had already been found to have brain damage and mental health effects and didn’t stop drinking, I would think that her condition will be significantly worse - possibly even terminal when they take into account damage to vital organs. And as a result she will be at high risk of seizure and coma, with the possibility of rapid deterioration. I think the hospital will be well aware that she won’t be a safe discharge without appropriate care services in place.

No. The biggest problem is the addiction. And the general lack of understanding of it by those surrounding her.

Does FIL drink himself?

OK the biggest issue is the MIL, her addiction to alcohol, her refusals to accept that she is, and her aggressive, abusive behaviours when intoxicated.
Not everyone addicted to alcohol is abusive and aggressive.

Thanks everyone for your support and opinions. I'm just catching up on everyone's posts and thoughts. The hospital have already called FiL and we've explained everything. She is in withdrawal and they will treat the symptoms of withdrawal but that's all they can do as she has had an assessment and is deemed as having capacity and no mental impairment. It still stands that it's all alcohol induced and she's had refferrals to alcohol services and CGL which I believe is our local authority wellbeing service. We haveade it clear that there is no one to care for her at home and we can't look after her anymore and hav demanded that on discharge she has some sort of care package in place although sh is refusing the help still. We have said that we strongly feel she needs a residential setting where she can be treated and looked after appropriately. She is okay though. Shes on a vitamins and nutrient drip to replace the minerals she has lost and she will be motored for a weeks or so. We've been here many times before. But it sounds like they are just going to dump her at home when she's fit and the cycle of tearing around the town causing nuisance will continue. Our doors will be locked and she police will b called if she continues to harass us at my home when she gets out. Wev made it clear that we are withdrawing physical, emotional and financial support.

Ignore all the attacking comments here, they're just projecting their own issues. You need to follow your own conscience and take the actions that you can live with - any negative consequences of helping / not helping won't affect random on mumsnet but they will affect you.

Personally I think you're being a caring, thoughtful human being - imagine what society would be like if we just wrote off everyone who needed our help because they've made stupid decisions. Given a fair proportion of people on MN would bring back institutions to hide the disabled and mentally ill, we'd be back in the 1950s if this lot were in charge.

Sorry if you've answered before.

Has she been offered any treatment but refused the help?
If so then there's nothing that you can do as she's clearly not up for stopping her drinking habit.

You've done your best, gone out of your way to collect her from the Airport and made sure she's in a place of safety.

It's probably caused you a lot of mental strain over the years, but especially of late, now you have to be strong and look after your own wellbeing.

I don’t think anyone could criticise anything you have done.

OP, I'm glad to hear that you got back safely, but you were forced into a situation where you had to choose between abandoning your MIL or risking your own safety, and that of other motorists, which is not acceptable in my view. A&E was the right call - it's a pity the authorities couldn't have taken her there directly as she clearly needed treatment, but what's done is done.

Given the safeguarding situation, perhaps it is the fact that FIL has moved out, and so is no longer perceived to be in danger, that is behind the decision to send her home?

@LardyCakeAgain , I agree with most of what you say in terms of the lack of compassion for those with alcohol induced mental health problems, but I think a lot of those commenting were mostly just worried about the OP.

The vast majority would not want to return to the asylums of the 1950's. The problem is that we seem to have gone from one extreme to the other, where there is a near total lack of residential support services for those suffering from quite severe mental health problems. Leaving potentially violent people with uncontrolled behaviours (if they refuse help) to make their own choice to destroy themselves, and potentially harm others, is neither right nor compassionate.