He asked if he could video me?

[koolio]

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

If he apologised and is now fine I'd probably let it go although my spidey senses would be tingling.
What I don't understand is why you feel bad, it was a totally inappropriate request. If he wanted to do some filming he should have asked at a time when you weren't in the middle of sex. So you could both get your boundaries clear. Not spring it on you like that.

He sounds pretty jaded if he is looking for titillation via filming sex acts.

Surely now is the time for him to want to please his new girlfriend.

sounds like my ex who i still see who not only videos me but videos plenty of others its voyaurism

The fact that so many people on here are jumping to this man's defence just goes to show that feminism is in danger of taking a massive step backwards.

People suggesting that the OP should apologise to him for overreacting, that he may have had his feelings hurt, that maybe he made a silly suggestion when drunk and are we not allowed to do that any more...
We're not talking about someone asking if they can have a kiss or a handhold, we're talking about a man asking during a sex act whether they can violate the woman's privacy by making a video of her giving him a blowjob, at a time in the relationship where, let's face it, she knows absolutely nothing about him.

It is one thing to have a mutual conversation about filming some time into a relationship, and to agree or not whether it's something you wish to pursue, to suggest it after a matter of weeks when under the influence of alcohol and during a sex act is quite another and says everything about the person doing the asking.

No decent man would do that. Not one. And if any of the posters berating the OP here and attempting to tell people that aspiring to be a porn star in their own relationships were asked weeks into those relationships while under the influence of alcohol then I include them in that. I don't care how normalised it has become. That doesn't make it normal.

I agree with @MayThe4th - I don't get the apology bit. It concerns me that the OP thinks she should have apologised/did apologise and is now on the back foot. There was no appropriate reaction in these circumstances other than fuck the fuck off. Is there any coming back from this?

he sexualises you because you've let him

When you’re relationship is over, what do you say?

”Ex, would you mind deleting those videos of me where we did XYZ?”

What exactly is the etiquette around this topic?

The idea that an ex of mine will forever have a video of me doing shit like that makes me want to vomit.

He shouldn’t have asked, you could have set the boundary more calmly, but I hope that you can overcome this. Perhaps some straighter, sober talking when you next meet up might help establish further boundaries.

At the point you’re saying he’s a relative stranger you could just as easily argue she shouldn’t be having sex with him at all then couldn’t you?

OP feels comfortable enough with & around him to be intimate, so he felt comfortable enough with & around her to express something he enjoys intimately. The answer was no, no pressure, no problem🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh no no no. Weird and gross.

LTB and spend some time figuring out why you think you need to apologise to men for challenging their disrespect for you

So you’ve never had drunk sex and expressed a sexual desire during ??

An ex of mine asked me if I would pretend to be someone he had just met in a club - We had been dating 6 weeks. I made the mistake of giving him the benefit of the doubt but it didn’t get any better.

Why would I be telling her she shouldn’t have sex with him? People do have sex with relative strangers, doesn’t mean they allow them to film them.

The point is SHE wasn’t comfortable with his request and it WAS a problem for her, so she became angry and asked him to leave, and he didn’t leave.

What would have happened had he recorded her and she changed her mind and asked him to delete the recording? Well, since he refused to leave it’s likely he would have refused to delete the recording as well.

If your argument is that he can’t be trusted because he’s a relative stranger, then how on earth can you argue it’s fine to have sex with him? You either trust someone or you don’t, personally I wouldn’t be having sex with someone I didn’t trust.

And where is your line then? You can have sex with a relative stranger, but not use sex toys with them? You can have sex with them, but not talk dirty? You can have sex with them, but no “kinky” sex? Whenever you have a sexual encounter, as an adult, part of that is discussing what you like/don’t like, want/don’t want, are okay with/are not okay with.

This is a complete non-issue, he expressed a desire, she said “no thanks”, he says “okay, sorry for asking”. End of ? There’s nothing wrong with asking about something you want, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with OP saying no- that’s not for me :)

Maybe you need a discussion about what he's into sexually and see if you are compatible. It would be a big no from me on the videoing but I wouldn't LTB over it. He apologised so I would just talk to him about what you like and what you don't like and if he wants something different then he can move on and find it elsewhere.

Because there are degrees to getting to know someone, as demonstrated by OP. She felt safe enough having sex with him but not safe enough to allow him to record her performing a sex act on him.

You’re dangerously close to saying that because she had sex with him she should also allow him to film her.

I don’t know if filming sex is comparable to other sex acts. It’s not the act of filming itself that’s the issue, it’s what happens to that film after, the potential for it to be misused and to loose consent over what happens with the film if the person shares it without your permission. It’s not just the in the moment act, it’s the longer term potential issues.

It actually makes me mad that he asked to film you early on in a relationship and you are the one feeling bad and like you have ruined things.

A guy asking to film you early on in a relationship is a red flag. He either likes to keep a personal record of his conquests, which is why he asked early on, or he will be putting it online.

He did show you disrespect. He probably doesn't respect women.

That’s absolutely not what I’m saying, NOBODY should allow anyone to do anything they are not comfortable with.

There are degrees to getting to know someone, and you only know where you’re at by open and honest communication. “I like “y” is that okay?” “I’d like to try “x” if that’s okay?”. Part of that communication is sometimes saying actually no, that’s not for me. And that’s absolutely fine!

As long as both parties feel comfortable to express their desires and equally feel comfortable to express when something is NOT for them, and they can respect each others decisions, that’s all part of a normal and healthy relationship.

The only person taking the risks is the woman. Lets be honest about this.

There is a feminist analysis here and its that the man is asking the woman to take the risk of trusting him. Its not the other way around.

People saying ' oh all he did is ask and she can just say no' don't seem to be really understanding what he asked. This isn't like just asking for a sexual act, which is a normal part of a sexual relationship that people can say yes or no to depending on their preferences. He is asking her to put herself at his discretion for the rest of his life, as to how he uses that sexual image of her. I don't agree that any man should ask that of any woman.

I'm also suspicious that it was not a coincidence that he asked this of her when she was drunk and already in the sex act. I think he planned that both of these things would make her less likely to refuse.

When a relative suffered a leg injury at work, hospital staff asked if there was any video of the relative hobbling - seemed odd to us, but entirely normal to the doctor.
In 2023, many people think that anything and everything could/should/would be filmed. Some ends up on social media, youtube or pornsites, most is relevant in the short-term - rarely it remains a feature of family history.
Perhaps the OP's situation is going to become more common in future and folks should have a prepared answer (short and sweet, avoiding physical violence) in case of polite requests.

Absolutely it comes with it’s own concerns, just like sending nude images etc via text. It’s a conversation to have with each partner, your answer might change depending on the partner etc. It’s totally fine to say “I’m not comfortable with that”, personally I wouldn't be comfortable with that, and as long as he respects your decision to NOT do xyz, there’s no issue. He asked, OP said no thanks, it’s a non issue

I was videod once, years ago, and I still feel sick if I think about it too much. He said he deleted it, but I’ll never be sure. The guy didn’t even ask before he started doing it, and I, for some reason, didn’t feel able to stop him at the time.

YANBU for being very upset with him. Someone asking me this would put me off them in the future.

It actually makes me mad that he asked to film you early on in a relationship and you are the one feeling bad and like you have ruined things. a feeling which is being reinforced by other women on here who are telling her she was in the wrong for reacting in the way she did given it’s aparrently entirely normal to make porn style videos just weeks into dating before you even know if you’re going to go the distance, and with absolutely no control over what happens to those permanent videos if you don’t see each other again.