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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He asked if he could video me?

277 replies

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:20

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

OP posts:
ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 16:16

Boomboom22 · 17/12/2023 15:53

I have no idea why you might want things to get serious with him. He is clearly scum. No normal sex life involves videos, it is extreme and never ever worth it. Plus rank.

Plenty of normal people use media and video. Not everyone is into plain vanilla missionary you know.

Shiningout · 17/12/2023 16:17

Good on you for not being pressured into it. I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy, but to ask you in the middle of the act he must have known if you weren't into it it would ruin the night anyway probably and make it awkward. Has he ever spoken about you filming things or filming each other?

Riverstep · 17/12/2023 16:18

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 16:08

He’s not a partner, he’s man she’s been seeing for 2 months, so a relative stranger.

Show quote history

Yes, my first post did say a few months was too early for that kind of thing. I meant more the general reaction on this thread that it is never okay to be asked to be filmed etc. In a long term relationship, I think it’s healthy to feel comfortable enough to confide in a partner about your weird shit.

BlazingJune · 17/12/2023 16:18

He didn't leave as he lives an hour away and had drove down. Nowhere for him to go, so I get that.

An hour is nothing. Why does an hour make it impossible for him to drive home?

If he was over the limit that's different. In which case you were wrong to suggest he did drive as it was an unrealistic request.

Was he over the limit?

But he could have got a taxi and a taxi back today to collect his car.

LuluBlakey1 · 17/12/2023 16:21

And your worry is you might have messed the relationship up by refusing to be videoed giving him a blow job so he can show his mates or post it on a porn site?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 16:21

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 16:16

Plenty of normal people use media and video. Not everyone is into plain vanilla missionary you know.

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Right, because there's absolutely nothing in between from allowing yourself to be a make-shift porn star for a man's wank bank or only having missionary sex. 🙄

MintsSpy · 17/12/2023 16:23

MyDogCafe · 17/12/2023 15:10

Some posters on here saying the guys an abuser! If he's an abuser he wouldn't have asked ffs.

Jesus Christ. Its actually quite frightening how naive and vulnerable believing this could make you. It’s the reason why theatre companies go into school to show more covert/hidden/subtle abuse in action, do that teens don’t start their life so clueless. My 15 year old is more clued up than you and has been for a good while.

No, actually, what's frightening is how quickly women are to label men as abusers when there is absolutely no proof in this instance that this man is an abuser.

Don't care how clever your 15 year old kid is.

Waitingfordoggo · 17/12/2023 16:24

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 16:16

Plenty of normal people use media and video. Not everyone is into plain vanilla missionary you know.

Show quote history

Ah yes, of course, people who don’t video each other during sex must all just be doing the missionary position and having a boring
time.

What a weird conclusion to come to. 😂

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 17/12/2023 16:24

Not something I would have said yes to either but there's nothing wrong with him asking and you refusing. Maybe your reaction was over the top but if that's how you feel that's how you feel. I would be more concerned he didn't leave - he could have got a taxi home?

Boomboom22 · 17/12/2023 16:25

Thing is though, it is NOT usually or normal at all. It is extreme pornified behaviour and not natural. Mammals do not require videos ffs. It can never be natural to film or watch films, there is nothing at all normal about that desire unless you think other primates would do it too? 🤔 it's never ok tbh. Like bdsm. Something traumatic likely happened during sexual development to want this extreme beyond reproductive drive sort of thing. OK if people consent but fuck knows why.

Worldgonecrazy · 17/12/2023 16:25

Not a keeper.

If you do decide to keep seeing him again, watch out for him trying to manoeuvre you into certain positions or places when having sex as that can be a sign a hidden camera has been set up.

ExtraOnions · 17/12/2023 16:26

Who says he showing his mates or posting it on
porn sites ? A lot of conclusions are being jumped to. I made videos with my (now) husband, over 20 years ago … it was a turn on for both of us.

he asked, you said no .. what’s the issue ? If he asks again, or pesters .. then time to call it a day.

Eekmystro · 17/12/2023 16:30

It is in no way sensible to allow someone you barely know to take intimate footage of you. Not in This day and age when the footage could be instantly messaged to your family or uploaded to a porn site to exist forever online.

people insinuating this makes someone boring in bed are thick. It’s actually just sensible to say no.

Waitingfordoggo · 17/12/2023 16:31

Who says he showing his mates or posting it on
porn sites ? A lot of conclusions are being jumped to.

It’s not a particularly outlandish suspicion to have, given that ‘revenge porn’ is so prevalent that a law had to be introduced in 2015 to try and prevent it happening.

Eekmystro · 17/12/2023 16:32

I also do think him asking is a red flag. I’m not saying it makes him an “abuser” but it shows very poor judgement to ask that of someone you are only seeing and have known a very little time. If would make me question his judgement overall.

BlazingJune · 17/12/2023 16:33

A lot of conclusions are being jumped to. I made videos with my (now) husband, over 20 years ago … it was a turn on for both of us.

20 years ago people weren't using Twitter, Insta and Facebook like they are now.

Undineimmor · 17/12/2023 16:35

TravelInHope · 17/12/2023 14:30

Is a thing you just made up with no evidence whatsoever.

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You are right that I could not possibly know why he asked. So I will give you that.

However as someone who has been burnt very badly my advice is always think worse case scenario. You might be tipsy and horny but they might have very different intentions. Or they might bot have bad intentions- until you break up with them or sleep with someone else.

The point is he is asking you to give him a power over you that he could use maliciously, and 3 months is not enough to truly know him. So I stand by that being the right reaction. He will never ask again.

FlyingCherub · 17/12/2023 16:38

How do you now trust him not to secretly record you instead next? He obviously gets off on doing it.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, sorry. It's perfectly OK to have boundaries.

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 16:38

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 16:07

I hear what your saying although 2 consensual adults in a 'committed' relationship is totally different to dating for a few weeks & being asked to perform porn. Is this a case of young women nowadays feeling they should have the same sexual freedom as is often the case with 'some' men in that anything goes. I have a young son who despairs of this behaviour & he's admitted he's had his fill & wants a relationship where potential female partners don't wish to keep 'playing the field' when they're dating him. I'm pleased I come from an era where this dating but not exclusive was never in question. When you dated you would never dream of doing what was described as 'two timing' If after time it wasn't working you moved on. Cavorting about was never the norm & imo it can only lead to unhappiness & discontent for those involved.

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Just for the record I wish to say I'm so proud of my son for admitting he's had his share of dating women who only want to play the field as do a lot of his friends. He's very attractive so yes he does get a lot of attention. I'm pleased he's now admitted despite 'dating' in the way it appears normal nowadays he's finding it's unsatisfying in the bigger picture of relationships. He's actually met a girl who is on the same page & he's about to introduce us to her. She sounds like a keeper ❤️

Kellogg1 · 17/12/2023 16:39

I think you overreacted. I think it was fine for him to ask and fine for you to say no if not comfortable with it and then him not do it. There was no need to hit the roof.

If he had done it after saying no or just done it without asking then hitting the roof would have been reasonable.

rampagingrobot · 17/12/2023 16:41

Christ, talk about MN over reacting.

Everyone assuming without any other info that he is going to instantly show his mates and put you online or something.

Actually I think it's reasonable to ask. I've been videoed having sex, some of us find making erotic videos quite a big turn on, especially if you aren't living together and don't get to see each other that much. It obviously requires a large amount of trust in each other.

So it's obviously perfectly reasonable, and quite wise, for you to say no given your relationship is still fairly new.

I actually don't think it's reasonable for you to try and throw him out when he's quite drunk and lives an hrs drive away.

All the MN pearl clutchers would be rightly horrified if you'd been at his and he'd thrown you out at night. Also now you can talk it through calmly in the morning with each other, and move on.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 16:41

ShittingPeugeot · 17/12/2023 16:16

Plenty of normal people use media and video. Not everyone is into plain vanilla missionary you know.

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Kinks and desires don’t need to be recorded you know?

Not sure why video vs no video means kinks vs vanilla??

ThereIbledit · 17/12/2023 16:43

I think a video within 2 months is either a sign that he's clueless about the risks that are associated with that for women, or a massive, massive red flag. Only you will really know which.

I'm online dating and quite a few men want to exchange numbers straight away, whereas I consider it basic safety to not exchange numbers until at least a good conversation in and its needed for meeting up, or after at least the first date. When I refuse and tell them it's too soon for me to give my number out for safety reasons (and that this is based on past experience) they invariably get pissy. If they were actually considerate men who had just not realised they'd react differently - so I think how he reacted in the moment, matters.

SoySaucePls · 17/12/2023 16:44

When I consider one out of two marriages break up, and second and third marriages are even higher. Partners break up even more frequently.

Ive seen plenty of acrimonious ends. All of these people boasting about how they’ve made videos of themselves and lording it over the sensible ones who’d never dream of putting themselves in such a vulnerable position… what planet are you all on?

The one where everyone lives happily every after?

rampagingrobot · 17/12/2023 16:45

So yes, I think you over reacted, but equally any guy worth staying with would understand and you would both move on without problems.