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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He asked if he could video me?

277 replies

koolio · 17/12/2023 13:20

Been seeing a man for the past couple of months, we are exclusive as in not seeing or sleeping with other people. Last night he came over and we had a few drinks, I drank a bit more than I should so admit I was a bit drunk.

Anyways, I was giving him oral and he said 'can I video you?' Instead of just saying 'no' I hit the roof. I pushed him away and said he had no respect for me to suggest that and that I would like him to leave my house. He never left and we went to bed and woke up with headaches this morning.

I've apologised for my complete overreaction (was it though?) and he has reassured me it's fine and he shouldn't have asked but he's left and I just feel dread that I've ruined everything. I really like this guy and can see it going somewhere.

So two questions -

AIBU to react the way I did? And if so, do you think I've ruined it?

OP posts:
NotAnotherNativity · 17/12/2023 15:49

But there are some things that raise flags, and asking to film a new, drunk girlfriend during sex is one of them, as is choking women, which is another thing that society is teaching young girls is perfectly normal.

This. It’s depressing that some women can’t see it. They’re too busy defending it to stop and actually think.

My kids school work really hard to make kids realise but with the porn industry, SM and men still having the upper hand in life really, they’re fighting a losing battle.

It’s really important that places like mumsnet have women who speak out on this issue. Even here, we’re against some dubious posters, men that have taken over the sex board and some pick me type girls, but they are just victims, they just don’t see it.

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 15:51

DarkDayforMN · 17/12/2023 15:44

This is why no one should date men who watch porn.

Of course it was a disrespectful thing to ask - why would any sane person take such a terrible risk just to give him something to wank to?

And it's not even about having something to wank to. He's got the whole Internet for that. It's specifically about the power he gets over you by you giving him this video. Do not date men who are aroused by having power over you. Not only are those guys repugnant - frankly I can't see how anyone could be sexually attracted to a man after realising he thinks like this - they are dangerous. I hope you have "ruined everything" - if you haven't and you choose to keep seeing him, you'll regret it one day.

Exactly! Well said, @DarkDayforMN

I too hope the OP moves on and doesn't look back. Anyone already objectifying her a few weeks into dating is a vile man.

Videoing, consensually, might develop years into a stable, healthy and committed relationship. Asking a near-stranger to let you be filmed .... he's a pig.

LTBNOW · 17/12/2023 15:51

I agree with the majority of others on here you were absolutely right to react the way you did, bin this loser. My ex once asked to record us having sex... further down the line he was abusive, controlling and a sex addict.

Boomboom22 · 17/12/2023 15:53

I have no idea why you might want things to get serious with him. He is clearly scum. No normal sex life involves videos, it is extreme and never ever worth it. Plus rank.

Wimbledonmum1985 · 17/12/2023 15:56

Utterly grim. Count yourself lucky that you’ve had warning what he’s really like. Not sure what would possess anyone to want to be recorded. Bizarre.

BowlOfNoodles · 17/12/2023 15:57

You've fucked up by apologising

heartbroken40 · 17/12/2023 15:59

The only mistakes were

  1. Letting him stay
  2. Apologising
  3. Not dumping him in the morning

Please message him saying you're not compatible and never see him again. He's a dirty pervert

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/12/2023 16:02

@mottytotty why bring choking into it?

OP was absolutely right to say no, and of course everything depends on how this man behaves from here on .... but you could say the same about absolutely any aspect of a new (or indeed longstanding) relationship.

Are people not allowed to say dumb stuff when pissed anymore? Is it not remotely possible this bloke just opened his gob and put his foot in it, and in the sober light of day realises it was a stupid thing to ask this early on, and a stupid moment to ask it.

U2HasTheEdge · 17/12/2023 16:03

The time to ask is not when your new girlfriend is giving your oral sex, drunk and in a vulnerable position.

I'm not surprised you reacted how you did. You were probably scared and a bit panicked to know that you were being intimate with a jerk. You went into fight/flight mode. You're not at fault.

He could have asked at a later date when you were both sober, if it's something he's interested in. He was out of line for asking when he did, when your ability to even fully consent was under question if you were really drunk.

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 16:04

Boomboom22 · 17/12/2023 15:53

I have no idea why you might want things to get serious with him. He is clearly scum. No normal sex life involves videos, it is extreme and never ever worth it. Plus rank.

Plenty of people's normal sex life involves videos. 🙄

morechaimama · 17/12/2023 16:04

Actually @koolio I think the alcohol did you a favour, that was the right reaction not an over-reaction.

katepilar · 17/12/2023 16:04

No, I cont think you ruined it. While there might be people who wouldnt mind being filmed but it totally unacceptable in my books.

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 16:06

The replies to this thread are so ridiculously over the top.

Why not just use the opportunity to reaffirm the boundary with him. Like speak to him.

"Hey I just wanted to say that if it seemed like my reaction to you asking if you could film me yesterday was over the top. I felt vulnerable because you asked me during a sex act and reacted to that, where as if you had talked to me about it before hand I would have just said no. I would still like to see you however I just want to clarify that whilst I regret having such an explosive reaction, the reason I had this reaction is that I am just really not into the idea of being filmed and I won't ever want to do this."

Either he'll be like ok sure. He'll apologise for making you uncomfortable and never ask again. If so great.

He'll now end your relationship but also great you'll have dodged a bullet.

He'll bring it up again in which case end the relationship because he is at that point deliberely and knowingly pushing your boundaries. So get rid.

This doesn't need to be a huge deal moving forward or anything to worry about. Just communicate with him and reaffirm your reasonable boundary about it.

Riverstep · 17/12/2023 16:06

Well, reading this thread there must be a lot of relationships out there where a partner is just too frightened to share their desires/ kinks.

Simpleblessingsxx · 17/12/2023 16:07

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/12/2023 15:37

I think your reaction was a bit OTT @koolio but forgiveable - you were drunk!

Similarly asking to do that early on in a relationship is a bit much on his part - he was drunk!

You gave a clear no. He dropped it and apologised, and as long as thats that, I can't see what the issue is.

I think far more outrageous is the leaping to conclusions going on in this thread:

  • that he GOT you drunk
  • that the ONLY reason he could possibly want such a video is for revenge porn/to plaster over the internet/show all his mates
  • that he is a pervert/weirdo/reprobate

For the 'he's a disgusting pig with evil intent' posters... HOW are people to discover mutual pleasures, if asking outright is verboten (because of course hinting or doing it without consent are obviously right out)?

Are we all to assume that nothing more than the most basic vanilla intercourse is acceptable? Scrub out our minds with the brain bleach should we even THINK a dirtier thought than missionary, once a week...

I hear what your saying although 2 consensual adults in a 'committed' relationship is totally different to dating for a few weeks & being asked to perform porn. Is this a case of young women nowadays feeling they should have the same sexual freedom as is often the case with 'some' men in that anything goes. I have a young son who despairs of this behaviour & he's admitted he's had his fill & wants a relationship where potential female partners don't wish to keep 'playing the field' when they're dating him. I'm pleased I come from an era where this dating but not exclusive was never in question. When you dated you would never dream of doing what was described as 'two timing' If after time it wasn't working you moved on. Cavorting about was never the norm & imo it can only lead to unhappiness & discontent for those involved.

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 16:08

Riverstep · 17/12/2023 16:06

Well, reading this thread there must be a lot of relationships out there where a partner is just too frightened to share their desires/ kinks.

He’s not a partner, he’s man she’s been seeing for 2 months, so a relative stranger.

U2HasTheEdge · 17/12/2023 16:08

I'm going to take the last part of my post back. I think he would have been a dick to have even asked when you were sober, at this stage of your relationship.

Fair enough to have that conversation if you've been together a while and have built a trusting relationship. Two months in? He's a wrong un.

dailygrind22 · 17/12/2023 16:09

I must be scum because i love making videos and watching them back Confused you can feel how you want to feel though and always stick to your boundaries, but to call him a pervert and scum is unbelievable!! I feel sorry for some peoples partners on here i really do haha

retinolalcohol · 17/12/2023 16:11

Universalsnail · 17/12/2023 16:06

The replies to this thread are so ridiculously over the top.

Why not just use the opportunity to reaffirm the boundary with him. Like speak to him.

"Hey I just wanted to say that if it seemed like my reaction to you asking if you could film me yesterday was over the top. I felt vulnerable because you asked me during a sex act and reacted to that, where as if you had talked to me about it before hand I would have just said no. I would still like to see you however I just want to clarify that whilst I regret having such an explosive reaction, the reason I had this reaction is that I am just really not into the idea of being filmed and I won't ever want to do this."

Either he'll be like ok sure. He'll apologise for making you uncomfortable and never ask again. If so great.

He'll now end your relationship but also great you'll have dodged a bullet.

He'll bring it up again in which case end the relationship because he is at that point deliberely and knowingly pushing your boundaries. So get rid.

This doesn't need to be a huge deal moving forward or anything to worry about. Just communicate with him and reaffirm your reasonable boundary about it.

This.

So many people painting him to be some sort of evil pervert who's going to post revenge porn on the basis of absolutely nothing. So she should chuck him and good riddance apparently Confused

Despite the fact that he's already apologised and said he was wrong to ask. OP just have a chat with him - his reaction and actions going forward will tell you all you need to know Smile

Mornusting · 17/12/2023 16:11

If he dumps you because you have boundaries then he's not the kind of guy you want to be with.

U2HasTheEdge · 17/12/2023 16:12

dailygrind22 · 17/12/2023 16:09

I must be scum because i love making videos and watching them back Confused you can feel how you want to feel though and always stick to your boundaries, but to call him a pervert and scum is unbelievable!! I feel sorry for some peoples partners on here i really do haha

He's not her partner.. she is dating him.

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 16:13

dailygrind22 · 17/12/2023 16:09

I must be scum because i love making videos and watching them back Confused you can feel how you want to feel though and always stick to your boundaries, but to call him a pervert and scum is unbelievable!! I feel sorry for some peoples partners on here i really do haha

Except that he's not her "partner."

They've only known one another a few weeks.

Panaa · 17/12/2023 16:15

dailygrind22 · 17/12/2023 16:09

I must be scum because i love making videos and watching them back Confused you can feel how you want to feel though and always stick to your boundaries, but to call him a pervert and scum is unbelievable!! I feel sorry for some peoples partners on here i really do haha

Except he's not her partner, she's been seeing him for a couple of months, they're not even in a relationship.

And he asked her while mid sex act and while she was extremely drunk.

If your daughter/niece etc told you this you would be able to see the difference quite easily between them being asked by an established partner that they trust and someone they had only recently started seeing.

Eekmystro · 17/12/2023 16:15

Was he drunk too? Bit sketch to be asking you to film you when you are drunk!

I don’t think it’s a massive deal. At least he knows that is a firm boundary for you.

What do you mean by hit the roof though. You shouted a bit? Or what??

Ginandjuice57884 · 17/12/2023 16:16

I mean, if that's the way you feel about it that's the way you feel about it.

You could have declined in a less explosive way though.