Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a crap about mums new family

231 replies

Twobigsapphires · 17/12/2023 09:56

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

OP posts:
OurfriendsintheNE · 17/12/2023 13:14

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm

Much of your post comes across quite mean spirited but I suspect the key to it all is in this first line ^. Dropping everything the weekend before Christmas to drive someone on a 8 hour round trip is a big ask. When you add in a difficult history with your mum I think you’re probably not BU for not driving her.

Flensburg · 17/12/2023 13:14

Can she afford a taxi?
I get that you aren't fit enough to drive. I don't get why you don't understand her need to see them.

Bellyblueboy · 17/12/2023 13:16

but the need to see this family must be hard when OP’s mother doesn’t seem to feel the same way about OP and her sister. Leaving her to be raised by grandparents and then not taking much of a role as a grandparent herself. She was never really there for OP as a child - OP was raised by grandparents and then her dad.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 17/12/2023 13:18

OurfriendsintheNE · 17/12/2023 13:14

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm

Much of your post comes across quite mean spirited but I suspect the key to it all is in this first line ^. Dropping everything the weekend before Christmas to drive someone on a 8 hour round trip is a big ask. When you add in a difficult history with your mum I think you’re probably not BU for not driving her.

There's nothing mean spirited in what the OP has said.

jammysocks · 17/12/2023 13:21

edit! I seem to have missed your updates about your relatinship. Do you think her life situation is the reason she has been the way she is?

I think yabu and yanbu.

You might think it's OTT but for her it's huge. When you are adopted it can leave a huge hole when it comes to feelings and emotions.

My great grandad was adopted and it effected him greatly as he had no way of finding out who his parents where. He was lucky to have lovely adoptive parents but they doesn't change the longing to know!

But covid changes things.

Yanbu not wanting to drive but yabu in not being happy for your mum. You might not click with the other family not understand but for the sake of your mum, at least pretend to be happy for her.

StaunchMomma · 17/12/2023 13:23

jammysocks · 17/12/2023 13:21

edit! I seem to have missed your updates about your relatinship. Do you think her life situation is the reason she has been the way she is?

I think yabu and yanbu.

You might think it's OTT but for her it's huge. When you are adopted it can leave a huge hole when it comes to feelings and emotions.

My great grandad was adopted and it effected him greatly as he had no way of finding out who his parents where. He was lucky to have lovely adoptive parents but they doesn't change the longing to know!

But covid changes things.

Yanbu not wanting to drive but yabu in not being happy for your mum. You might not click with the other family not understand but for the sake of your mum, at least pretend to be happy for her.

Edited

OP does say she's happy for her Mum - have you read all of her posts?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 13:24

You might think it's OTT but for her it's huge. When you are adopted it can leave a huge hole when it comes to feelings and emotions.

So can being abandoned, neglected and dismissed by your biological mother. The op's mother is now reaping what she has sown.

PaperDoIIs · 17/12/2023 13:24

jammysocks · 17/12/2023 13:21

edit! I seem to have missed your updates about your relatinship. Do you think her life situation is the reason she has been the way she is?

I think yabu and yanbu.

You might think it's OTT but for her it's huge. When you are adopted it can leave a huge hole when it comes to feelings and emotions.

My great grandad was adopted and it effected him greatly as he had no way of finding out who his parents where. He was lucky to have lovely adoptive parents but they doesn't change the longing to know!

But covid changes things.

Yanbu not wanting to drive but yabu in not being happy for your mum. You might not click with the other family not understand but for the sake of your mum, at least pretend to be happy for her.

Edited

She is lucky that she had a mother who also abandoned her in all by name to be raised by grandparents until she was 6, and then had to live with her dad because her mum was in a violent relationship?

Fucking hell the standards are low if that's lucky.

jammysocks · 17/12/2023 13:24

Hi all. I literally just updated my previous post as I hadn't seen her updates as you where typing your comments.

@PaperDoIIs @Aquamarine1029 @StaunchMomma

coffeeaddict77 · 17/12/2023 13:26

Flensburg · 17/12/2023 13:14

Can she afford a taxi?
I get that you aren't fit enough to drive. I don't get why you don't understand her need to see them.

I don't think OP has said that she doesn't understand why her mum wants to see them. She just doesn't want to effectively spend two days driving so that her mother doesn't have to wait or take public transport to see them. I agree and think that her mothers expectation is ridiculous.

Blinkityblonk · 17/12/2023 13:26

I think this thread illustrates the really bad flaw of mumsnet of only seeing the first post, I know everyone should click 'all' but it's hard to do that on the phone and you just end up responding to the first post...for sensitive topics such as these it doesn't work at all to do that.

jammysocks · 17/12/2023 13:27

@Blinkityblonk exactly what I did. My own fault!

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 17/12/2023 13:27

So your mum has managed without these people for most of her life, but can't not see them at Christmas? In that case she will have to deal with the slightly complicated journey or wait until January.

Imagwine · 17/12/2023 13:27

I think she waits till ny, gets public transport or asks them to fetch her. You can’t and it’s not fair to ask dp, and that’s without the flooring complication.

parsely · 17/12/2023 13:29

The fact she asked you, knowing you have a health condition is confirmation of what she showed you by leaving your care to your grandparents: your Mother isn't careful of you or your feelings. I think you have every right to refuse.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 17/12/2023 13:30

PaperDoIIs · 17/12/2023 13:03

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain exactly. I am adopted and none of these bs generalisations and what honestly amounts to emotional blackmail apply.

Yep. until you live it or know people closely who do then you can’t really get it I find.

My DB’s ex GF and I met up last year and she told me how she’d wanted to meet her bio dad. She’d heard he was a nice man. But her bio mum had given him a name (not real) and now she has little or no way of contacting him, her bio mum is dead now anyway… it eats her up inside but she’s like a sister to me and her priority now is her DH and kids. But there’s a void in her life due to no dad and some sporadic contact with her bio mum’s relatives and her (GF’s) sisters. That’s only one example too. So no, blood isn’t always thicker than water.

Anonymouseposter · 17/12/2023 13:35

Unless she’s very elderly or infirm she would get a train if she really wants to go. If you or your husband can get her to a more convenient station so she has fewer changes that would be kind. She sounds very demanding to be honest. Who would ask someone to drive 10 hours for them? She could post the gifts. I do think you need to examine your attitude to her finding her biological family though. But I wouldn’t take her.

Hallmark1234 · 17/12/2023 13:36

No YANBU to not want either you or your DH to want to do a 10 hour round trip the week before Christmas, given the background you've given and when you have your own plans.

Please don't be pressured to do it, as it then may become a regular occurrence!

No harm in her waiting a while longer.

Birdcar · 17/12/2023 13:36

You're not being unreasonable about not driving if you have a health condition but your attitude and lack of understanding is horrible.

Appleass · 17/12/2023 13:36

Nothing to add, other that you sound so very very jealous and rather unkind towards your mum.

Hallmark1234 · 17/12/2023 13:39

Don't be ridiculous, she doesn't sound jealous one bit!

Would you be prepared to do a 10 hour round trip when your own life is busy?

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 17/12/2023 13:44

OP, YANBU and you are not mean at all. Clearly this has been a very exciting and emotional time for your DM, but to be honest, from your updates, she sounds very much like favours flow one way. I am aghast at the idea of her thinking the 10 hour, possibly overnight trip , was on your DH.

I am even more surprised that some, though not many , suggest you should ‘make’ him do it. Cannot see that response if a MIL expected same of her MN posting DIL.

Your mum is getting carried away by this momentous change in her perception of her past, and comes across a bit selfish. Can she FaceTime her bio family members, and post the presents?

again, YADNBU.

SequentialAnalyst · 17/12/2023 13:53

Your DM sounds emotionally manipulative, don't give in.

If she needs to do the journey on her own (eg if one of her birth parents falls ill) I suggest Taxi to station. Train to London station. Taxi to other London station, to get onward train. Train to appropriate station on other side of London. Taxi to final destination. With a bag small enough for her to manage. If Christmas, take only small presents with her.

Pluvia · 17/12/2023 13:54

Blinkityblonk · 17/12/2023 13:26

I think this thread illustrates the really bad flaw of mumsnet of only seeing the first post, I know everyone should click 'all' but it's hard to do that on the phone and you just end up responding to the first post...for sensitive topics such as these it doesn't work at all to do that.

Mea culpa. I started responding when the thread was still new and the Op had only posted the first post, then got distracted and came back about 90 minutes later and by the time I'd finished replying a lot more info had been revealed.

FreshWinterMorning · 17/12/2023 13:58

Birdcar · 17/12/2023 13:36

You're not being unreasonable about not driving if you have a health condition but your attitude and lack of understanding is horrible.

This. ^