To not give a crap about mums new family

[Twobigsapphires]

Back story, I have a distant, fractured relationship with my dm.
mum was adapted as a baby and had a lovely childhood (her words) with much adored and now sadly missed adoptive parents / grandparents to me. I appreciate mum had always wondered about her bio parents and 5 years ago managed to trace them.

Mum has always felt alone after my grandparents passed, they had no other dc and wider aunts and uncles were all either deceased or moved countries etc. Dm has always talked about wanting a big family. Fast forward to now and she is totally obsessed with her ‘new’ family it’s driving me bonkers. I’m happy for her and she is lucky to have been welcomed by both bio parents into their lives, but I’m just not interested and it’s upsetting dm.

Her bio mum lives 4 hour drive away, she never has any other dc and now widowed lives with her sister and niece. The set up is a bit like the golden girls. I met them once, they are nice people and have welcomed mum into their life. Mum refers to the niece, her cousin as her sister. It’s a bit full on for me.

Her bio dad lives about an hour from bio mum, so 5 hours from her. He also never had any more dc but lives with his wife who has 2 friends up daughters, his step daughters. Again, I have met them once. Nice enough, but not my kind of people. Mum also refers to her bio dad’s step daughters as her new sisters. It’s all a bit intense and fake for me, but it makes mum happy.

Here’s the Aibu. She visits new family probably once every 3 months. They never cone to her, she always travels to them and stays over. She was due to go this weekend for Xmas get together but her dp, who usually takes her, in unwell with covid. She asked me to drive her, or my Dh as she knows I have a health condition which flares with driving. I said no. She’s now upset claiming as her bio dad is quite old this may be her last Xmas with him etc.

My reasoning for saying no is I’m not fit enough to drive that distance. I’m not asking Dh as we have plans this weekend, nothing exciting, but finishing up laying flooring in our dining room which we want done so we can host Xmas!

I don’t see the harm in her do taking her in the new year. She is so obsessed with her new family she expects everyone else to feel the same about them, but I don’t. There’s no feelings of loss for me and no bond there when I met them. Mum would like me to visit them with her more, but I’m not interested.

You are entitled to not care about them yourself, but you are coming across as a bit cold @Twobigsapphires I don't have a huge extended family, and would be delighted to welcome some new family members ... I am not sure if I would be regularly doing 8-10 hour round trips to see them 4 or 5 times a year though - as that would be too much, even if they did come to see me. But your mother seems OK with it, so why do you have an issue with it? You said yourself her bio parents are quite old-ish, so maybe travel is hard for them.

I have 2 elderly aunts - late 80s - who live 1.25 hours drive from me - 2.5 hour round trip, and they have visited me just twice in 15 years... Last time 2017. I still see them 2 or 3 times a year though, and keep in touch via facebook. They can no longer drive, and it would take them an 8-9 hour round trip, (2 bus rides, and 2 train changes, and a lot of hanging about in the cold!) to get to me. I don't think 'well they don't come to ME anymore!' I still go 2-3 times a year.

Maybe the younger family members (of your mum's new family,) who you say can drive, don't have time, or don't like driving to places they don't know, or just don't want to! Maybe they enjoy seeing your mum when she comes, but can't be bothered to make the effort to see her. She is probably not massively important to some of the family, even if she is with others.

Also, as a pp said, you sound a bit resentful and jealous? Are you threatened by them? I find it most odd that you don't want ANYTHING to do with them.

All that said, no I would not be driving her for Christmas. As a pp said, she has been without these people all her life ... She can wait til January. Especially as you have a health issue.

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Get a plane, train, bus, taxi, uber.

Even if she was jealous,which isn't the case, why shouldn't she be?

This woman couldn't be arsed for the first 6 years of her life so she was raised by grandparents, then she picked an abusive man over her so she had to go live with her dad to be safe. Now she's moving mountains and all whimpery over her "new" family , putting lots of effort in and expecting OP to put the effort in as well. Why shouldn't she be jealous?

You are not being unreasonable if you have a legitimate medical reason for not driving her. You are being unreasonable if you are using health as a reason not to drive her because you don't like her biological family. Only you know which it truly is.

As an adopted child who recently found my birth mother by accident, I will say that you are under absolutely no obligation to have a relationship with them. My children text my birth mum once in awhile but that's it. And that's fine.

Having been in a different but similar situation, I can completely understand why the OP is cautious. There are awkward realities that have to be glossed over, no shared history and perhaps not much else to glue together a relationship. It’s more painful when you can see that the longed for relationship is not facilitated equally on both sides.

Sounds like her Mum has been pretty woeful as a parent and their relationship isn't good. OP has said she's happy for her Mum that she's enjoying time with her bio family and doesn't feel pushed out. It's 100% up to her if she herself wants to have anything to do with the family or not.

Also, it's really unreasonable to expect someone to drop something really important timewise to do a 10 hour round trip at the drop of a hat, especially considering it could mess up Xmas day!

It's a 10 hour trip at best!! More if her mum is expecting a lift back too. No one is unreasonable to not want to do that just to give someone (even a parent) a lift , no matter what the reason.

Adoptees sometimes feel a deep need to reconnect with their birth family. I'm not adopted so I doubt I will ever truly understand it but I've seen it often enough to know how powerful it can be. Although the family may be welcoming there is no shared history and your mother is desperately trying to build some. You could try to be more understanding.

Whether your mother has been in contact with covid or not I wouldnt take her and would suggest she gives that as an excuse for not being able to visit yet.

I think this is completely fair enough, OP.

Previous posters seem to have missed the first line of your post where you said you have a fractured relationship.

She wasn't a good mum to you, or nan to your kids, so yes, I can see why you're not interested.

I have a great relationship with my mum, and help out where possible - but if at short notice she asked me to do 2x 10 hour round trips (assuming I’d need to pick her up too) the weekend before I hosted her and others for Christmas it would be a resounding no.

In fact, at any time of the year there would need to be a bloody good reason for me to do a TEN HOUR round trip to take her anywhere, and it would have to be something that couldn’t be rearranged.

Im surprised that any of the previous posters are even suggesting that OP consider it.

I think that even with a good relationship a 4/5hr round trip is a big ask.

It's great that Op's Mum has found her parents & gets on with them but she can't expect others just to drop what they are doing to take her there.

I would perhaps look at seeing how far it would be to make the journey easier for her.

But I think that waiting until the NY is fine-plus giving presents then tbh!

Whilst you are not being unreasonable not to give a lift because it's inconvenient.

You are being unreasonable to write such a horrible post about your mother.

I think a 9/10 hour round trip is too much. I know she's excited to see her family but she'll just have to wait until new year.

You are being unreasonable to write such a horrible post about your mother.

Given the childhood the woman gave the OP, that post is pretty mild on the scale of reaping what you sow.

@MissBuffyAnneSummers Under the circumstances I think OP has been very fair about her mother, considering she didn’t do very much mothering at all but expects OP to facilitate her 10 hour trip with no thought for OPs health condition or convenience, for the sake of another family who make zero effort.

Have you read the posts where the OP’s mother left her to be brought up by her grandparents aged six and later on subjected her to an abusive stepfather?

Couldn’t agree more. And the ‘country pub with rooms…you-time’ shit. Some people will knit entire worlds out of mist and wishful thinking

Wow. So many replies. To answer a few questions, mum is 69, in good physical health but poor mental health. She suffers from anxiety and wouldn’t do the journey by public transport. I would of course give her a lift to the train station if so.

I don’t have a proper mother daughter relationship with my mum. She had my young, her and my dad split soon after I was born and we lived with her (adoptive parents), my grandparents until I was 6. Mum went back to work full time and spent weekends being young and out with friends etc so my grandparents pretty much raised me until then. At 6 she was in a new relationship and we moved in with him and she had my sister. The relationship was abusive (he was a violent alcoholic). We spent our childhood in fear and mum refused to leave him (despite her parents offering to help, gave us back etc). At 11 I confirmed in my dad and he insisted I moved in with him and step mum, so they basically raised me through the tough teen years. During this time mum moved around with various men and I only saw her a couple of times a year. I didn’t see at all from 21-25 as I moved abroad for a time after uni.

Fast forward a few years and I’d had kids of my own and tried to build a relationship for their sake. Mum was more stable now, but still focused on her life mostly and not that involved with my dc. We get on, she means well and is non judgmental, fun to be around and harmless, but we don’t have a proper mother daughter relationship.

there was a PP who described her as selfish and that’s exactly how I see her. I wrestled in this scenario as I know how much this new family mean to her and it has made her very happy. But I felt she was making it about me as she can’t understand why I don’t want to make the trip to see them. She wants me and my sis to embrace them like she has, but the truth is, we don’t need those bonds like she does. We are happy with the grandparents we have / had, our kids, each other, I have another sister and step brother on my dad’s side etc. if they lived closer I’m sure I’d get to know them over time, but they don’t. They live 4-5 hours drive away. In the 5 years she’s been in touch with them they haven’t once offered to come to our part of the world, even though we live in a nice place, popular with tourists etc and mum had a spare room, plenty of hotels and airb&bs.

she does the trip to them about 3 times a year. My sister has taken her twice (once with me) and her dp the rest. Typical pattern is drive down there early Saturday and spend the day / eve with her bio mum, aunt and cousin (who she refers to as her sister now), stays there overnight then heads to her bio dads family on the Sunday for lunch then head home for late evening as he dp has work on Monday.

I met them all once, out of interest I guess. They were all nice enough (although bio mum and family a bit full on for me, all heavy smokers which wasn’t pleasant in the house and bio dad is a bit old school right wing, homophonic kinda guy). I really didn’t feel the need to develop a relationship with them, but I’m genuinely happy if mum is happy. Everyone deserves to find peace.

I’m just annoyed she’s made out that I should want to do this for me as much as her. And she’s throwing a strop at having to wait until the new year to see them.

Do you really expect the mother of a 69 year old to travel to her?? Presumably at least mid 80s or older.

That said , it's up to you whether you have time to take her or not-as a favour to her. It's not really anything to do with what you get out of the visit.

OP you don't need or want these people in your life and there's zero reason why you should feel any obligation to include them in your life.

Ignore all the rubbish on here about you being "mean spirited" / "selfish" etc.

In my experience you need to draw boundaries with people like your mum, because they won’t draw them in an appropriate place.

It sounds like this is what you are doing.

I also have a different but similar relationship with somebody like this in my family, and I think it’s difficult because the relationship you should have isn’t the relationship you actually have, and it’s easy to feel that you should be acting as though the relationship you should have exists.

No - but the extended family who she describes as sisters could, if they wanted to have that kind of relationship. It’s not wrong that they don’t, but it’s also not up to the OP to be responsible for facilitating it.

She was a mediocre mother and I don’t think that you should go out of your way to appease her, OP.

She will need to catch the train or wait until January. It’s as simple as that.

You have your own life ,priorities,wants and needs. You don't exist just to be a supporting role in her Hallmark movie.

Do you really expect the mother of a 69 year old to travel to her?? Presumably at least mid 80s or older.

I'm surprised that that is what you took from OPs update. The biggest question is why should the mother be expecting the OP or her DH to provide lifts.