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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women with twat husbands

232 replies

Jixg · 16/12/2023 22:49

Just don’t get it! So many mates complain they’re husbands are lazy, they not happy; I mean one had a husband who was doing coke behind their backs and she then took him back! Wtf do they have no respect for themselves?
I just couldn’t live or trust somone like that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 18/12/2023 20:58

@Meredithmama Im so so sorry for your loss Flowers

Grieving too much indeed. what a major arsehole

Sheerdetermination · 18/12/2023 21:05

vincettenoir · 16/12/2023 22:56

Relationships are complex and people make mistakes. In any relationship with longevity, one or usually both partners have forgiven the other for something of some significance.

The same is true of friendships and family relationships too.

I reckon you’re right. Quite refreshing to hear this.

NonPlayerCharacter · 18/12/2023 21:05

TheKnittedCharacter · 18/12/2023 20:23

Reading threads on MN would make you believe a disproportionate number of men are twats. And many women have extremely low standards in terms of what they tolerate.

In RL, we know only 1 or 2 men we judge as terrible husbands in our huge circle of friends. Most men we know are good guys.

You may be right, but you really don't know that.

Preschoolmum78 · 18/12/2023 21:08

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 18:50

The quality of men does seem to be declining. I have my theories as to why, but they wouldn't be popular here.

But that is beside the point. No woman HAS to hook up with and mate with shitty men. They choose to.

If women would stop rewarding crap men with sex, domesticity, 'wife' work and financial contributions, maybe the men who want a wife and children would shape up. But unfortunately, no matter how lowdown the man, there is a woman out there who will choose him, and put up with him, rather than stand on her own two feet or hold out for a better specimen.

Show quote history

v’Very Curious to hear your reasoning why the quality of men is declining! (I agree)

TheCadoganArms · 18/12/2023 21:23

Maybe I live in some strange parallel universe as most of the couples I know are fairly rock solid in what appears outwardly at least to be respectful relationships with both parties pulling their weight. While I have seen some crap behaviour over the years neither men or women held a monopoly on it.

crispynight · 18/12/2023 21:27

My good friend and I talk about this often. My husband is 50:50 with everything. He never goes out drinking and honestly is the perfect man. He is very logical, very commons sense and says he loves me all the time. I am very lucky. I wouldn't stand for anyone treating me badly. I'd rather be on my own.

For some reason I let work treat me badly over the years and I have no idea why.

feelingalittlehorse · 18/12/2023 21:31

For all the “independent woman” chat spouted, the reality is a majority of women I know with shitty men only stay with them because they don’t want to be single.

The men I know who aren’t happy (and they are fewer to be honest), stay because of children.

Lamelie · 18/12/2023 21:37

TheSuggestedAmendment · 16/12/2023 22:51

Literally all the husbands I know are awful. Awful.

All my husbands friends’ are wonderful. If DH died I’d marry about half a dozen of them. I’ve known them 30+ years, no infidelities that I know of. Incredibly gentle clever, love their wives, good fathers, no divorces. I’ve thought a lot about them as a cohort- I work in dv- and obviously they’ve chosen each other as similar friends. They’re successful, solvent but not Alpha men. So good men do exist and fortunately they’re rasing good children.

TheSuggestedAmendment · 18/12/2023 21:41

This reply has been deleted

This was started by a persistent troll.

Not sure why awful husbands reflect on me or any supposed bitterness?

Should I overlook their awfulness for everyone to pretend it’s all fine? I certainly think that’s what their wives are doing. Finding happiness as best they can. But it doesn’t change the quality of the husband.

Santashelperisonstrike · 18/12/2023 21:47

I don’t regret leaving my ex, but it’s hard work being a lone parent with the added financial burden it entails.

i tried everything to make it work - even though he became a cock lodger. I kept at it because I wanted my DC to have parents who were together. I thought it would be better for them.

It was only because my ex was so awful that it became better to split. If my ex had just been ‘ a bit shit’ like many of the men my friends are with ( or you hear about on MN) , I’d probably have soldiered on!

Eigen · 18/12/2023 22:03

CutiePatooties · 16/12/2023 23:06

I can’t comment too much from my l standpoint as my husband is also married to a twat.

However, I don’t understand how my sister can forgive her husband who had a private lap dance in a strip club while she was at home looking after their two babies. He didn’t even tell her and had no intention of ever telling her - his dumb brother text him about it and she saw the message!

They post on fb how they’ve been married for 14 years, so in love, etc and I always think what bs. He said nothing happened it was just a dance but again, calling bs. Don’t know how she stayed with him but think his money helps.

Haha your opening statement gave me and my husband a good laugh

exaltedwombat · 18/12/2023 22:05

A 'twat husband' is a lesbian marriage, yes?

DonVanVliet · 18/12/2023 23:07

It takes two people to have a relationship..

DonVanVliet · 18/12/2023 23:30

Elvis1956 · 17/12/2023 18:25

What about the twatish wives. I know of husband's with real problem wives:
The wife who has affair after affair.
The wife who told her husband that, whilst he was working abroad, she was saving money so he could have a couple of months off when he got back...she'd spent every penny and racked up credit card debt.
The wife who was so controlling that he couldn't even travel to a work event in another town with his female boss
The wife who will not touch any kind of tool or machines she views as malr, to the extent that when the fuse box tripped he had to leave work to reset. She also refuses to drive anywhere(unless it suits her) won't paint a wall or do any decorating. Won't learn how to wire a plug (he was so pleased that electrical items now come with plugs) won't climb a ladder or even a step stool!

Yes, I see far more of this than the other way around..

DonVanVliet · 18/12/2023 23:48

zombie0037 · 18/12/2023 18:02

You know what, I know just a many men with twat wives, they don't work, spend all his money, so I really think it works both ways, I think sometime people are just twats.

Yes, just this.

In my group of friends, I can't think of anyone who acts in the way that is being described here.

It depends on the type of person who you want to mix with, and spend the rest your life with..

I hope that those (of both sexes) with abuse partners find a way out I know it's difficult!

Ohnonoohoh · 18/12/2023 23:52

I clicked YABU because although I agree, that they dont have much respect for themselves, it goes well beyond that

Fear of the unknown, not wanting to be a single mum, finances, wanting your kids to have a dad, wanting the security ect and many more reasons

I'm single, have been for 4 years, DC dad not been on scene since youngest was 8 months, hes just turned 7. ( court ordered no contact due to DV )

I half judge women for staying in bad relationships but then at the same time, I do get why they do

Chaos86 · 19/12/2023 00:53

I find this in the ‘mum group’ from school. One of them even admits that she doesn’t love her husband, he’s not helpful with the kids doesn’t prioritise her etc but it’s ’probably Ok’, I told her that that’s a very dangerous game to stay together for the sake of it and that if they don’t love eachother the odds are that eventually one of them will find someone they do love and it’ll all end in tears. Just dreadful!

I just don’t get it. Essentially I think if you’re with the right person you don’t really have these problems. It’s the situation not the person alot of the time. I’d be a twat if I was constantly with someone that I didn’t love. Don’t get me wrong, both parties are to blame but I think if you have such dreadful, ongoing problems you’re probably just with the wrong person.

Franticbutterfly · 19/12/2023 07:08

@Raffyash1 I stay because life is more complicated than LTB sounds...finances, kids, shared history, hope for the future, the fact that he's not 100% twat. Also I do love him. 😳

I will finish it eventually if he carries on causing the heartache, I'm just not in the position to do so right now.

Goodlard · 19/12/2023 07:19

TheKnittedCharacter · 18/12/2023 20:23

Reading threads on MN would make you believe a disproportionate number of men are twats. And many women have extremely low standards in terms of what they tolerate.

In RL, we know only 1 or 2 men we judge as terrible husbands in our huge circle of friends. Most men we know are good guys.

This totally!

Honestly reading MN, it just has such a hateful attitude to all men.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 19/12/2023 08:30

Money, kids, lifestyle, disruption avoidance, love.
It’s complex.

Fluffmum · 19/12/2023 08:55

Well said

Notimeforidiots69 · 19/12/2023 09:24

Thank you so much, I was going to ask the solictor about this... My H isn't that type of bloke, that's the one untwattish thing about him... But I'd rather feel safe and secure ❤❤❤

MrsPetty · 19/12/2023 09:46

I divorced my husband as he was simply not good enough! He wasn’t fair, he wasn’t respectful, he wasn’t kind or generous and I didn’t feel loved, valued and was not seen in his eyes as an equal. I have DDs and I am their role model. It would have been far easier to stay married - financially, practically and emotionally. His giant ego did not handle the rejection well. But I would rather die standing than live on my knees.

soyaalmond · 19/12/2023 11:57

3WildOnes · 17/12/2023 12:56

The men I know are all pretty good husbands. Not perfect but not all of us are perfect wives. I don't know any marriages where the men don't share the childcare, cleaning, cooking, etc and I don't know of any abusive marriages.

However, I don't think leaving a marriage is easy. If my husband cheated on me or suddenly became a useless twat where would I go? I couldn't afford the mortgage on my own. I couldn't buy anywhere suitable locally with 50% of equity from our house.

So I would have to buy somewhere far too small in a less desirable area and make them share rooms when they are used to having their own rooms. I would have to share custody and only see them 50% of the time. I would have to pull them out of their private schools as we couldn't afford the fees whist running two households. I think I would try and stay rather than do that to them.

Wow! Does your husband know the deal he has got? I would never give ANYONE all that power over my life, because of finances. Have some self-respect. Is this how you are also bringing up your children?

soyaalmond · 19/12/2023 12:03

LaurieStrode · 17/12/2023 15:47

Well, that was their first mistake. Everyone should be capable of supporting herself and any offspring without the assistance of a man.

Second, wouldn't it be preferable to share a flat with a friend or roommate than to stay with a bad husband?

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Thank you @LaurieStrode

The brainwashing that goes on to make all mothers dependent on men financially should not be held up as the model of married life. Women can do better.