Women with twat husbands

[Jixg]

Just don’t get it! So many mates complain they’re husbands are lazy, they not happy; I mean one had a husband who was doing coke behind their backs and she then took him back! Wtf do they have no respect for themselves?
I just couldn’t live or trust somone like that. Am I being unreasonable?

I feel most are trapped mostly because they can't afford their own place, especially if they have kids I also think alot of men change (or show their real selves after kids), so that's the problem, although in this case I can't understand why the women then go on to have more children with the twats

It's a tragedy! A world of flawless women surrounded by horrific men

@Surlyburd bipolar is a really serious illness. I think he loves you and the stress of seeing you sick caused him a breakdown. Unfortunate timing of course. BP people can't handle/struggle with stress or the unknown.

Then their recovery takes time, it's not easy. Hope you're better now.

I’m now in a situation where most of my friends and colleagues seem to have lovely husbands and healthy relationships. But, like others, I’ve also known some marriages where I look at the brilliant, kind, successful wife and wonder why on earth she’s with the nasty loser she’s chosen.

I remember one friend who was incredibly successful at work, first woman at her level in the north of England, that sort of thing, and had raised two lovely children to adulthood, when her teacher husband was sacked for watching (legal) porn and arranging hookups on a school computer. He then said that he was bored at work and neglected at home because his wife was so much more successful than he was. And she took the blame. She’s still with him, even though she’s the breadwinner and the kids have long grown up. And he’s never worked since this incident.

I also get particularly bemused when lovely older women are married to complete pricks who think social skills don’t apply to them and are just constantly boorish and embarrassing when out. Imagine being stuck with that through your twilight years? How do they do it?

Yes, being single can be lonely, stigmatised and impoverishing, but I’m so glad I’m not stuck in a relationship like some of those I’ve seen (while slightly envious of the good ones, so it evens out I suppose).

Maybe they can’t afford to live separately
Maybe they don’t want to see their children only 50% of the time
Maybe their husbands have made them feel worthless and they don’t deserve any better.

Blimey. Almost all those I know are great

Your’re not the only one @Circularargument. 🙂
I do know a few that aren’t, but I’m surrounded by long-term relationships that work well for the couple. Not Hallmark fantasy, but lots of solid, respectful and loving pairings that have lasted years and are still good.
And yes, I absolutely agree that anyone should walk away from relationships with lazy, unpleasant or controlling people. But there’s those that are trapped, that see it as an acceptable trade-off for what they have, or have a saviour ‘I can fix him’ belief.
Many of the couples I’ve known over 30 years or more. People rarely change their fundamental nature as they age, they just become more so. Concentrated.
So if they are untrustworthy, selfish, indifferent, greedy, negative and lazy in their 20s and 30s, it rarely improves in their 50s and 60s.

If you never marry then you can't have an awful husband

The only friend I know with a fairly rubbish husband openly admits she settled for him as she was approaching 40 and wanted kids. In her opinion it was the right decision as she has a nice life with lovely children and remaining single and childless was making her extremely unhappy. He’s not horrible- but a bit useless.

Yabu for thinking it's so black and white.

Mortgages, kids, work, it's a juggling act, especially if the kids are young.

I agree that women put up with absolute twats, way too much, but relationships are complicated and sometimes, it's not a case of dump or keep.

I wish unhappy people could leave relationships as and when they pleased, but real life doesn't work like that.

This. My dh is amazing, and I really do mean amazing. On paper he’s almost everything a woman would likely ask for. But I’m still not happy 🤷 it’s not him it’s me. I COULD do it alone financially, but I’m scared of downgrading my life in any slight way.

I can join the "fear the Deere" campaign . I own one! Eyes off DH who has been a bad tempered shite today. 😂

Thank you cherry, i know deep down he loves me, but it did cause a lot of carnage. Things are getting slowly better though. You are right bp is very serious and a small blip can really derail someone.

unsure of where you live but rental homes have 200 plus applications where I am...

This is just excellent.

YANBU

Both my sisters are married to total bastards. Both have the finances to leave easily but they seem to be terrified of being single.

I bloody love singledom and am much happier on my own. It’s not always about money.

I had poor role models and didn't know any better. I stayed much longer than I should have done, but eventually found the courage to leave. It was difficult as I was raised very much with the attitude of 'you made your choice'...

I have one friend whose husband i genuinely hate, but it's a personality clash really, he has a lot of good qualities and hey, she likes him the twat I can't help hoping that now he's asked for an open marriage he gets what he deserves, whatever that is.

I do think a lot of women my age are very tricky though, much as I love my friends. I don't really envy many of their partners.

I would say that this is true and a mature, nuanced answer.

Obviously some things are unforgivable and those 'things' will vary between individuals. Plus, some people will learn from their mistakes and be able to grow beyond that point without it being a case of boundary pushing and 'got away with it once, so I'll just keep doing it', not everyone sees forgiveness as a green light to keep repeating the behaviour.

Well look, I wouldn't especially care about the coke, so long as it wasn't turning him into an arsehole.
We're all different and so too are our boundaries and deal breakers.

I wouldn't want a football guy or a drinker.

I think it’s a case of life is very black and white in cases like this, until it happens to you and then many shades of grey start to appear and these things are more complex for each individual based on many different factors.

life is not black and white and I didn’t learn that until my mid 30’s.

Sadly, some women just can’t live without having a man. I’m not even talking about the ones who are married here, i’m talking about the ones who sack off one loser only to be involved with the next one within the week. These aren’t short relationships either. Even the ones who don’t choose too badly, they can’t be single for more than a few weeks, and these are capable women. Why?

I understand when you’re married and you’ve got kids together, then it’s an equation that needs balancing, but not when you aren’t married, the live in your house and you’re not raising their kids.

it’s the women who’ve already had one child with a complete prick who then go on to have more who baffle me. She’ll say what an absolute twat he is, how she’s at the end of her tether because he’s lazy, treats her like dirt and does nothing for the baby, then in the next breath says they’re trying for another. What the actual fuck?

I’m a lesbian, and while there are plenty of very fucked up toxic women out there, I don’t generally find we have these horribly unequal relationships where one partner does everything and the other is lazy, or does the bare minimum and tells them they’re lucky because other partners do less.

I grumble about DH but he's thoughtful, respectful and has the odd moment where he chances his luck to be lazy. Then I come on here and read some awful threads and realise how lucky I actually am.

But then again I've got a level of expected behaviour and if he ever falls under that, he'll be gone. If you don't respect yourself, I don't understand how you can expect others to.

Struggle to believe it always all starts well and then the man mysteriously turns into a twat after several years of marriage. Most young men are blatantly obviously twats and yet women still get into relationships with them. The question is why that happens.

A girl I went to school with is currently.in a relationship with a man who:
Served time for attempted murder.
Has lost every job he ever had because he decides to get drunk and not go.
Has been an alcoholic since before they met.
Has smashed up their home in violent rages.
Has scared her to the point she fled 100 miles away.
Has been arrested and removed from the home on more than 1 occasion.

She takes him back..
Why?
"Because I love him...."
"What on earth could you possibly love about him?"
.... No answer ....

Women seem to tolerate an awful lot of men that behave in such a way as to show nothing but disdain, and they do it under some false idea that they love these absolute cunts.
How they can believe they love those that treat them so poorly is beyond me, I have never felt any such strong emotion that it overides logic and judgement.

I agree with the pp who said she never looks at her friends’ husbands and wishes she was with them.

Loads of my friends are getting divorced from lazy, unpleasant, cheating men. I think at least 2/3rds are already shacked up with another woman who is obviously willing to give them a go. These are very average men in their 40s. I guess pickings are slim out there and standards are low.