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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sick to the back teeth of friends being flat broke, then hopping straight on social media to show off their latest 'keeping up with the Joneses' purchase

348 replies

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 21:12

SO many people I know, they'll talk about their financial situation and being wiped out by their mortgage, having nothing left when the bills have gone out, etc.

Yet, when you log onto social media, the AGA craze/renewal among the middle classes (and wannabes) came along - suddenly they have one. Hastily throwing out perfectly good trees to replace them with Balsam Hill trees because they heard last week Balsam Hill is THE tree to have. The pizza oven trend? They all got on it straight away. And they're not afraid to let you know.

The grey house trend? They've had decorators in, DFS 0% APR'd the living room up, and had the house rendered the next month. Grey trend dies out? They've redone the whole house. They get a cockapoo to join the pug they have, still hanging on from the pug craze. Then a dachshund during the craze. Then a frenchie. Etc. They've got to have the professional photos of their children sent as Christmas cards. When showing something off outside their house, they've got to have their his and hers grey and white Mercedes/Audis/BMWs with the private plates in the pictures, and their kid's matching kiddie car.

And you have to know everything they have is the 'real McCoy', not just a copy, because they've made sure you know.

Yet, the group of 10 couples or so I know who do this, they're dead ass fucking broke. All of them. Even for the ones who aren't, they're physically unwell from the stress of holding it all together due to the nature of their income and lifestyle, and one crisis could put them on the breadline. All mortgaged up to the absolute hilt. I'd assumed it must be hard to get a mortgage, but the kind of lending these people have been trusted with is crazy - 2008, anyone?

One of them moaned about their dire situation, yet the next week were doing coke on a night out, then the next month they'd booked a holiday to Dubai on credit because you're nobody unless you went to Dubai this year, right?

It bothers me so much because the kind of boasting these people do on social media is what fuels this need to keep up with the Joneses and I'm bloody sick of it. They're engineering their own downfall by keeping this cycle going.

They joke and consider us tight, but we're the ones with disposable income in our hands at the end of the month. They can't comprehend how we live how we do with much less than they do, but we engineered our lives to be this way. We've had to explain numerous times that the reason we don't have a mortgage, is because the cars are almost older than us, our phones are so old that they're not even supported with updates and security patches anymore.

Creating a lifestyle they can't afford, bringing kids into it, then moaning to friends about how they're pay cheque to pay cheque and pay £1-2k in mortgage costs every month before you even factor in the rest of the bills, car costs, etc, but are on Facebook showing off their newest nouveau riche craze. Boils my piss.

OP posts:
TodayForTomorrow · 16/12/2023 22:47

There is a sort of reverse snobbery about your post. You make your life sound very Scrooge-like, almost taking gleeful pleasure in pinching every penny, despite having disposable income that would afford you a new phone every couple of years, even if it wasn't the latest model.

If this is real, everyone involved is taking their finances to the absolute extreme.

StaleCrumbs · 16/12/2023 22:47

Honestly? Sounds like your way of being is just not in alignment with theirs. Their financial f**k ups (am I allowed to say the f word on mumsnet?!) are their problem, not yours.

I have friends who I used to feel similarly about, but with a bit of self reflection I realised I was actually triggered by jealously. So I let it go. And actually although I live very simply in comparison…. I’m the one with a house with a (just) affordable mortgage and they are still renting with no savings and no chance of getting a mortgage (there’s nothing wrong with renting, I’m just pointing out that my finances are tied up in something that you can’t really see, and their finances were spent on all sorts of stuff which is very visible and tangible, which long term leaves us in different positions). Anyway I realised I absolutely love these friends and dealt with my own irritations about how I felt about them having all the Gucci kit and me not, and now I love spending time with them again and am so glad my insecurities don’t get in the way.

Basically you either let it go, or let them go.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 16/12/2023 22:47

Papillon23 · 16/12/2023 21:49

Maybe it's because I'm an accountant but I find it odd people don't know that much about their friends finances?

I know their salaries (approximately at least), about their bonuses, their share packages, whether or not their car is on finance, what their rent is or their mortgage, what phone they've got (which tells me approximately how much it costs each month). I know about their student loans and their pensions.

I guess I must be weird but I think I know this give or take for at least my 9 or 10 closest friends.

what a creep

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:48

MiddleParking · 16/12/2023 22:40

Dunno about sensible. It sounds like possibly the only grains of truth in OP’s post are that she has spent several decades living in a depressing town surrounded by people she doesn’t like and making no moves to change anything.

You hit the nail on the head a little.
I'm guilty of the big fish, small pond thing just as much as the idiots I've mentioned in my OP are in different ways.

OP posts:
1975wasthebest · 16/12/2023 22:48

I think you have a very unhealthy and strange definition of friendship.

theduchessofspork · 16/12/2023 22:49

If you don’t like these people why are you friends with them YABU

LemonJeIIy · 16/12/2023 22:50

@balsamshill
I get exactly what you mean. Brand new Range Rover on the drive, yet meaning about not being able to put the heating on

Clingfilm · 16/12/2023 22:51

OP I know exactly what you mean, not in my circle but my sister's. It's the modern day fur coat and no knickers.
I'd advise you to be content in your security, get off social media if you can't handle it, or stay on for morbid fascination 😁

MiddleParking · 16/12/2023 22:52

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:48

You hit the nail on the head a little.
I'm guilty of the big fish, small pond thing just as much as the idiots I've mentioned in my OP are in different ways.

I never mentioned anything about you being a big fish. Evidence points to the pond being of commensurate proportions.

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:52

TodayForTomorrow · 16/12/2023 22:47

There is a sort of reverse snobbery about your post. You make your life sound very Scrooge-like, almost taking gleeful pleasure in pinching every penny, despite having disposable income that would afford you a new phone every couple of years, even if it wasn't the latest model.

If this is real, everyone involved is taking their finances to the absolute extreme.

Oh I agree with you!

I was brought up by a very financially incontinent family. Partner's family are the polar opposite. I'm somewhere in the middle and I draw the line when it comes to penny pinching very liberally, you could say. I'm perfectly happy to run up electric bills, not search the net for discount vouchers, etc.

I do take a weird bit of pride in using a phone older than my DS. But I'm also not against having a bit of fun.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 16/12/2023 22:52

Hmm you writing an article for the Mail or something and are you looking for 'MN Raging?'

You lost me at the dog craze.

Then the branded company cars.

Bernardmanning · 16/12/2023 22:52

I have a friend like this. Regularly cancels lunch out as she can't afford it, but 2 days later has bought 3 designer coats and a diamond ring. Their house is an absolute dump as leaky roof, desperate need of renovations, yet they do all the professional jobs themselves (roofing etc), but then pay a fortune for unnecessary tasks such as wallpapering, which then all peels off because you can see the stars through the roof. One week it's a new electric bike for 3 people, the next a Tesla and a ski trip or family trip to the states. She is constantly massively stressed and run down and moans about how lucky I am not to work and for is to survive on my husband's salary. Yet her and her husband have good paid jobs and kids are in private school and live in the most expensive part of town. It's sad really as their house is a tip (they wanted a big old Georgian townhouse) but could only afford a half derelict one. She had a traumatic childhood and her shopping is like some sort of compulsion/addiction that, after the initial ecstasy, makes her feel guilty. She often ends up returning things. It must be sad not to feel a level of contentment or possess an inner confidence where you don't have to constantly try and prove your worth through your possessions.

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:53

Clingfilm · 16/12/2023 22:51

OP I know exactly what you mean, not in my circle but my sister's. It's the modern day fur coat and no knickers.
I'd advise you to be content in your security, get off social media if you can't handle it, or stay on for morbid fascination 😁

Yes exactly that!!!!

Or as my uncle used to say, 'She's got a designer purse but no money in it!'

Honestly, I'm probably addicted to the rage-scrolling. I think we all doom/rage scroll to some degree.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2023 22:54

I wouldn't have them as friends. People with values like that make me cringe- not my type of friends at all.

theduchessofspork · 16/12/2023 22:54

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:28

I agree, because I think most people are guilty of this actually.

Even if it's not on social media. People in everyday conversation who call their fridge 'the Smeg' or their laptop 'my MacBook' and stuff like that. Just say fridge and computer/laptop.

My cousin has a YSL bag that she couldn't really afford. I get she's proud of it, but any photo you get of her while she's out with it, she'll make sure the logo's showing. That kind of thing.

Honestly this is not normal behaviour, I have never heard anyone call a laptop and fridge anything but a laptop and fridge.

Have you ever thought about leaving this town Op?

Aroma220 · 16/12/2023 22:55

YANBU but ultimately they’re adults and can do what they like without it affecting you?

Just unfollow them on social media and next time it gets brought up say something along the lines of, ‘you’re not broke, you chose to spend your money on xyz etc.’

IMO it sounds like they are deeply insecure if they care that much about keeping up
appearances and a lot of the trends you mentioned lack any kind of taste.

SpringingJoy · 16/12/2023 22:55

I don't understand why it angers you so much. If you're oh-so-comfortable in your mortgage free house and your owned outright cars - why do you care?

We live in a fairly affluent area and I definitely know some keeping-up-with-the-Jonses types. I watch with (hidden) amusement and then just get on with my life.

The minutiae of random people's lives doesn't usually bother you to this extent if you're 100% satisfied with your own. I think you need to examine your feelings a but closer op to work out why this enrages you so much. I think there's probably quite a bit to unpick.

theduchessofspork · 16/12/2023 22:55

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:53

Yes exactly that!!!!

Or as my uncle used to say, 'She's got a designer purse but no money in it!'

Honestly, I'm probably addicted to the rage-scrolling. I think we all doom/rage scroll to some degree.

Again, no we don’t all rage scroll.

Seriously, sort yourself out. This isn’t healthy

betterangels · 16/12/2023 22:55

MiddleParking · 16/12/2023 22:33

You’re inventing things to pretend to be annoyed at so you can tell people you’ve no mortgage. Absolutely no one calls their fridge by its brand name and well you know it.

This is probably it. But if this is true, just stop seeing your 'friends'.

adomizo · 16/12/2023 22:57

TodayForTomorrow · 16/12/2023 22:47

There is a sort of reverse snobbery about your post. You make your life sound very Scrooge-like, almost taking gleeful pleasure in pinching every penny, despite having disposable income that would afford you a new phone every couple of years, even if it wasn't the latest model.

If this is real, everyone involved is taking their finances to the absolute extreme.

This. And they are clearly not friends.. they are acquaintances at best so stop worrying about them and live a little

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/12/2023 22:57

I don't know anyone like this and tbh SM is shite anyway

balsamshill · 16/12/2023 22:58

MiddleParking · 16/12/2023 22:52

I never mentioned anything about you being a big fish. Evidence points to the pond being of commensurate proportions.

I was more referring to spending years of my life living in a town of people I don't like - because I'm probably more guilty of wanting the big fish, small pond thing than I let on.

To a degree, I'm the same as these people I dislike in a different way. Yes, it probably makes me a hypocrite. But the point of the post was more I cannot stand these wannabes, who are carrying LV purses with no money to put in them, who will moan about being unable to pay their mortgage, then be drinking multiple £15 cocktails at the Slug and Lettuce the next weekend.

OP posts:
betterangels · 16/12/2023 22:58

Honestly, I'm probably addicted to the rage-scrolling. I think we all doom/rage scroll to some degree.

Stop putting this weird behaviour on other people. We don't all do that.

graciasinmorzine · 16/12/2023 22:59

All I got from this was- upgrade your phone so it’s secure. Can’t believe you are walking around with something that can’t receive vital security updates. If you are mortgage free this is just utter stupidity.

Catslovenip · 16/12/2023 23:01

Thementalloadisreal · 16/12/2023 21:54

Maybe they’re not actually skint, but complaining about money / being skint is also trendy

Yes ! Being frugal is the new hobby for the middle classes. Charity shops, library not Waterstones, camping , competitive recycling and up cycling. It’s fiercely competitive, the trophy for the most eco/frugal/thrifty family. Is hilarious to watch them all go at it.

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