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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 16/12/2023 20:16

When the house buying fell through why didn't you return the money? Or did MIL say to just keep it and use for whatever?

PamFritters · 16/12/2023 20:19

This all sounds ridiculously financially incontinent.

You all need proper financial advice.

Original poster
Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:19

She said its ours to keep. Gave BIL almost the same amount in cash plus high value items from the estate of her brother for him to sell off and keep the money from

OP posts:
LividSleep · 16/12/2023 20:19

Yep, depends on what was articulated.

Was it always intended as a gift or was it ever described as a loan?

I think you’re on dodgy ground spending money on cars and stuff that was given with the intention of being spent on a house…

Coyoacan · 16/12/2023 20:20

Why didn't you buy another house?

Your MIL's doubly generous, giving 195,000 pounds twice

Hwory · 16/12/2023 20:20

Very strange that you’d take that amount of money to buy a house then…. Didn’t.

AussiUnHomme · 16/12/2023 20:20

Firstly it's not really an inheritance until they're dead.

But also, they gave you money. It's yours. You chose not to buy a house, but it's your money.

PurBal · 16/12/2023 20:21

Assuming it was a gift there’s not much MIL can do. I’d just tell her it’s in a fixed term saver and you can’t access it for 5 years.

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:21

She's not dead it isn't an inheritance

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/12/2023 20:22

Was there a reason why she gave you a financial gift without having an equivalent amount set aside for her other son?

CoolShoeshine · 16/12/2023 20:24

I personally wouldn’t give the money back, it is unlikely you would see it all again. BIL doesn’t sound in a particularly bad situation, not on the bread line exactly, and has also had a very generous share.
Anything gifted, however generous, shouldn’t be taken back.
Tell mil that you are intending to buy in the new year and that you need the money, or own up to te fact that some of the money has already been spent. A family car and an operation for her son is hardly frittering away.

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:24

What's the plan for her care needs?

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 16/12/2023 20:24

I personally think that in this situation you have been a bit underhand and dishonest if your post is as it went. Your post makes it sound like she gave you the money for a specific purpose at the time, which is very different to her dying and you actually getting the money. I would have tried to give the money back at this point or at the very least kept it all together in a high interest account accessible. That is, unless she stipulated - this is your money to do whatever you want with and keep forever. If she said that then she can't ask for it back. If it was more like the former then you've been the bad guys.

As things are I think you have to come clean and tell her what you've done, then work out a solution, probably with a financial advisor (pay for by you). Don't say no she can't have it (unless she told you it was yours forever), and don't lie either.

Roseandrose20 · 16/12/2023 20:24

I wouldn’t - BIL has already had the same amount and if you had bought a house yourself MIL wouldn’t ask for the money. Just say it’s locked and you can’t access it.

FloweryName · 16/12/2023 20:24

It sounds like it was a gift given with the sole intention of buying a house and that why MIL thinks you still have it. Is that right? If it is, you were wrong for spending it on anything else.

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 16/12/2023 20:25

Ok in the time it took me to type you've said that she said it was yours to keep. Then that's the answer and she's BU to ask you to lend it to someone else. Just say you can't because it's been split up and locked away.

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:25

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. this is awful. She gave it to you for a house. You should have bought a house.

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2023 20:26

Yes, give it back and tell her to keep it for now in case she needs it for care in the future. The lot of you are vultures, taking money from her. It’s not your inheritance until she dies. Outrageous greed from all of you.

NigellaAwesome · 16/12/2023 20:27

Evil has been given an equivalent amount. Why hasn't he kept enough liquid to cover this sort of eventuality?

If you hand it over you have no guarantees you would get it back. I would just say it is tied up and you don't have access to it.

BouncingJAS · 16/12/2023 20:27

I am amazed at the cheek of your DMIL

"NO" is a complete sentence.

justalittlesnoel · 16/12/2023 20:28

DBIL has already had the same in cash and high value items? What's he done with that?

I'd say no, it's locked away.

Rocknrolla21 · 16/12/2023 20:28

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:25

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. this is awful. She gave it to you for a house. You should have bought a house.

This. It was gifted to you for a house, which your children would obviously have benefited from. If the house fell through then you buy another one. Not give it away and piss the rest up the wall. I’d be asking for it back too

Original poster
Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:29

See above, I did clarify this. She probably ended up giving him more as it was cash and high value stuff from brothers estate.

We didn't buy a house because husband became unwell as well as covid and a bereavement on my side. Our plans on where to settle changed so we've just put it into interest accounts with the exception of the cost on car and paying for the medical bills. That's it.
We're not frivolous, we spend within our means and save for occasions, but we don't have a nest egg or have much of a disposable income.

OP posts:
Rocknrolla21 · 16/12/2023 20:29

BouncingJAS · 16/12/2023 20:27

I am amazed at the cheek of your DMIL

"NO" is a complete sentence.

The cheek of her in total giving nearly half a million pounds away to her children, and expecting some back (temporarily) after it’s not been used for the purpose it was given? Yeah what a bitch

Silverbirchtwo · 16/12/2023 20:30

If you don't have it, you can't give it. You could offer to loan the money you have in access accounts if they can return it ibn a reasonable timeframe. But you would want some sort of proper legal arrangement.