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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
zaazaazoo · 16/12/2023 21:17

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 16/12/2023 20:32

So 195k minus the 100k you have left means you spent 95k on a car, 3 years of expenses and an op? How expensive were the car and op?

Your maths is worse than the OPs financial complications.
195-60 (dc savings plan) =135
135-100 (what they have left) = 35 spent on car, operation and living

Original poster
Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 21:18

Didn't want to say but yes he definitely is golden child 🤣
First flat he bought, mum gave him money for which is worth a small fortune.
He then bought this house but tied himself into a fixed rate for an amount of time which has now lapsed. Won't sell lower than £750k even though its worth £650k or so.

We're in Central London so even £195k wouldn't have touched the sides here. We can now move out but waiting for one child to finish primary which is why we've put it into high interest accounts.

Car was £22k plus the insurance etc and we spent around £10k on husbands health.

OP posts:
OneTC · 16/12/2023 21:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2023 21:16

Mother in law, not mum

Show quote history

Ah right you are, and yeah that does explain it Grin

zaazaazoo · 16/12/2023 21:18

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2023 21:05

So you've blown 35K in 3 years!!! Why on earth didn't you buy a house with it when you had the chance?
You were gifted the money to buy a house, you chose not to do that. I bet MIL is really annoyed that you didnt bother. Slightly going off the point, shew must be well off if she could afford to give her children 195K each in one go!!!

A car and private medical bills is hardly 'blowing' the money.

zaazaazoo · 16/12/2023 21:19

OP just tell he is all locked in a plan and if you break it you'll have to pay a forfeit so it's not possible.

surreygirl1987 · 16/12/2023 21:19

The money wasn’t for you to spend how you like, it was to buy a house. Very clear she did not expect it to be spent on anything else as she is now asking for it temporarily back.

This, but also, what was agreed when the house purchase fell through? Did she say to keep the money anyway? Surely ypu had some sort of discussion with her before you started buying stuff with the money she gave you for the house?

NalafromtheLionKing · 16/12/2023 21:19

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/12/2023 20:47

It IS inheritance, read the OP's comments, it's from the death of MIL's brother.

Show quote history

It’s not OP’s and her DH’s inheritance (the money was inherited by MIL and she gave it as a gift to them and BIL).

I agree BIL would find a reason not to pay it back so wouldn’t do this. Can you currently get a mortgage as, if so, I would make an offer on another house straight away.

HappyHamsters · 16/12/2023 21:20

Maybe suggest bil girlfriend can sell her place or rent it out to cover his mortgage and live in his house, put the sale on hold, why on earth should mil or your dh pay off her mortgage so she can retire,

Sweetglossy · 16/12/2023 21:20

@OneTC Not her mum, her MIL. Which makes it much more serious and worryingly so, as to why they didn't buy a house given it wasn't from her mum.

Yes, OP writes as if it is her mum, in which case the entitlement to do 'other things' other than buy a house (which was the purpose of the gift) would be slightly understandable.

You messed up op. I hope you learn a lesson from this on how to be a good daughter in law to someone/a new family. It's wrong behaviour what you have done here.

User2856948 · 16/12/2023 21:20

When I got an inheritance from my father, I gave DS some as a gift, DS did not get an inheritance.

is the money in the DC accounts for a house for you at a later date or for them.

endlessdarkness · 16/12/2023 21:21

It's complicated. I'm a firm believer that once you've given a gift, you can't ask for it back or dictate how it is used. However, it's a large gift given to you for a specific purpose, which you have not used it for. I think that's pretty rude. I think you should buy a house to honour your side of the deal.

I wouldn't be giving it to BIL though. He's had the same gift and his plan sounds risky to me.

AintNothinButARoundFrog · 16/12/2023 21:21

If she gave it for a house purchase it's a gift. You cannot expect repayment of a large sum given to help a house purchase. It's a gift, it's your money to do with as you wish. Everything else is just you all being daft with your finances.

HamBone · 16/12/2023 21:22

@Yetisquare So your BIL has already received two large gifts from his Mum, whereas your DH has had one ( the £195K)?

And now he wants his brother’s gift as well?! He does sound like a money pit.

Beautiful3 · 16/12/2023 21:22

Well if she gifted both your bil and husband the same amount, then no i wouldn't give it. I'd say, sorry its been locked away in a fixed investment. But in a couple of years I'd spend it on a house, before it's reduced to nothing.

Octavia64 · 16/12/2023 21:22

QueenOfMOHO · 16/12/2023 21:08

Can you just gift this amount of money without paying tax on it? I though the limit was ridiculously low? Like around 6k a year?

Yes you can.

No limits on gifts.

Inheritance tax may apply if the person who gives the gift dies within 7 years.

shams05 · 16/12/2023 21:25

I'm sure op didn't make the financial decisions on her own so don't understand why posters are harping on about her being a good or bad daughter in law.
The money was used to better the health of the gift givers son, dunno why his wife is getting chastised.

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2023 21:25

Politely explain it's not easily accessible due to investments to protect the money and that you are unable or assist at this time.

Hairyfairy01 · 16/12/2023 21:26

I think your dh needs to sit down and talk to your mil openly. It all sounds a right mess. When my dad helped pay our deposit (15k) he had to give all kinds of proof that he had no interest in the house, getting the money back, had to prove he wasn't money laundering etc. I'm confused how your mil can just transfer that amount of money to you. And I know she had kept some back for her 'care' as she gets older but what if that isn't enough? Are you then responsible for paying it as you basically have her money? Or would the state have to pay? I think I would be seeking legal advice to be honest.

Nazzywish · 16/12/2023 21:26

No OP. What is BIL situation changes and he can't repay.youll never see the money again. He had an equal if not more amount you said. So just make up a vexcuse not to return or get searching fir a flat or something to invest in pronto.

Octavia64 · 16/12/2023 21:26

If BIL has had the same amt of money and has had additional money given to him for the flat I'd be inclined to play for time and say that it's not accessible right now as you have invested it.

With a bit of luck BIL will get fed up paying high mortgage rates and sort himself out.

User2856948 · 16/12/2023 21:28

This reply has been deleted

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Nicole1111 · 16/12/2023 21:29

Tell her you’re happy to lend it but as you’d like to buy next year you’d like to draw up a legal document bil can sign confirming it’s a loan and a date it will be returned by.

Sweetglossy · 16/12/2023 21:29

The only advice needed here is not to YOU op @Yetisquare , but to your DH.

Your DH must consider his brother got similar if not more (again, how much your brother in law got is none of your business op- or did you marry into this family for the 'inheritance'?).

So your DH must consider that he is unlikely to get his 'inheritance' back from his brother, given what he wants it for; or not get it back easily or when DH needs it back. So that's what Dh should consider. And if MIL dies less than 7 years from today, your DH will have to pay inheritance tax on that (no matter if money is with DH or his brother) with the estimate due to the Treasury within 6 months of death. Again, DH should consider how easy it will be to get the money back from his brother.

That should form the basis of DH's discussion with his mum. You need to stay out of it op. Losing money on your high interest fixed accounts IS NOT A Consideration if MIL wants her money back. Just give back what's left. You have had good fun with it already, including deciding buying a house is not really what you want/need any more.

SamPoodle123 · 16/12/2023 21:29

Dont give it to your brother. You will never see it again. He already got his share. This is yours. Say it is locked away.

Octavia64 · 16/12/2023 21:34

Hairyfairy01 · 16/12/2023 21:26

I think your dh needs to sit down and talk to your mil openly. It all sounds a right mess. When my dad helped pay our deposit (15k) he had to give all kinds of proof that he had no interest in the house, getting the money back, had to prove he wasn't money laundering etc. I'm confused how your mil can just transfer that amount of money to you. And I know she had kept some back for her 'care' as she gets older but what if that isn't enough? Are you then responsible for paying it as you basically have her money? Or would the state have to pay? I think I would be seeking legal advice to be honest.

Yes you can just transfer that amt of money.

I downsized recently and the cash I released has gone to deposits on my kids' houses (one is yet to buy).

Max from bank account on laptop for Barclays is 50k if you want to send more you need to go in branch and have ID.

I also needed to show where the money had come from and sign a form to say it was a gift.

Re state care, when someone goes into care if they have assets over 23k (I think) they have to pay. Mil presumably has a house of her own plus possible other considerable assets.

If she goes into care then her house can be sold (if she is the only person living in it) and her money used to pay but gifts to family members are only considered a problem if the relative was likely to go into care and the local authority think the intention was to evade fees.

Clearly, here, the intention is nothing to do with care home fees and everything to do with housing.

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