Do we return inheritance?

[Yetisquare]

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

Another one saying you have a BIL problem here. Your DH needs to tell your MIL that it's locked into a 5 year investment and that you can't access it early. She is clearly too used to throwing money at BIL and I bet there's been loads more over the years than what you know about (speaking from experience with SIL who does the same with her parents).

No do not give it back, it was a gift, apart from the fact that it might never be paid back, you can’t give a gift then ask for it back to give to someone else, that is utterly ridiculous.

Children’s savings: £60k x 2 = £120k
Car £22k
Insurance £1k (estimated)
Healthcare £22k
Total: £165k either spent or locked away.

Where does the figure of £100k left come from?

Yes, and even more reasons why Op should have bought a house instead- that would have locked away the money nicely. Would have made money inaccessible. Won't surprise me BIL asked mum to ask you guys for the money, given he is told by his mum: you didn't buy a house as planned and the money is rather 'sitting' in a high interest account somewhere. Your DH should have seen his brother coming!.

As has already been said, once your MIL gifted you the money what you did with it was up to you technically, though morally I think not using it for its intend purpose is inappropriate.

However, you offered to return it after not buying a new home and on that basis the purpose of the gift was mutually reevaluated.

In the circumstances you describe where BIL has also received a similar amount (if not more) then I think you within your rights not to return it - especially as it appears his situation is if his own making (pricing the property too high) and he has recourse to alternative actions/money.

My concern is that if your MIL lends him this money you'll never see it again because he'll always have a reason not to pay it back. The property market isn't going to bounce back any time soon so unless he sets a realistic price it could stay on the market for years.

All the above said I'm concerned about your financial situation regardless. You say she has set money aside for care in the future but at costs of up to £1500 (even beyond) a week for residential care, she could burn through up to £100k a year in future living expenses.

So unless she's got £1m put aside then there is a real possibility that if she runs out of money you and BIL could face a claim by the local authority to pay back these gifts under depreciation of assets (which unlike inheritance tax has no cut off date).

In your situation I wouldn't lie to MIL but I would say why I was not going to hand back the gift.

BIL is not in dire straits, he's just making choices he can't afford even after receiving a significant sum of money from his mother and there is no reason he won't keep making them when she's enabling him re: bad choices to the detriment of her other child.

if you are in central london why did you need a car? i mean really not my business but no one i know in london has a car because a) public transport is so good b) parking is horrendous and c) traffic congestion means it takes ages to get anywhere by road

What was the agreement at the time of giving you the money? Were there strings attached? Was it definitely earmarked for a specific purpose? Personally I’m think you’d be mad to get into a loan arrangement with a family member, especially when you don’t seem to need very aware of his situation; you should be asking all the questions that a bank would tbh, especially if he has had a similar amount already from your MIL. Can your DH point this out to his mum?

my parents gave my sister and I a similar amount each, quite a long time ago now. my dad made clear at the time that it was being given no strings attached but unsurprisingly there was an expectation / hope that we would due something sensible rather than frivolous with it. We used it to pay off the mortgage on our first flat, buy another, and it allowed me to be a SAHM for years, which we wouldn’t have done otherwise. My parents didn’t have any say in any of these decisions, (though I would have found it hard to blow the money on holidays etc) and tbh we all stay out of each others financial lives despite having had this, and other, gifts.

YANBU. She’s gifted her children the same amount. Putting money away for your kids when the house fell through was a good shout and I’d hope she would understand that.
As for BIL, I wouldn’t want to be getting mixed up in whatever he’s doing with properties and mortgages.
Tell MIL where the moneys gone and that you’re not wanting to withdraw (lend) it due to the interest plus you are still planning on using it towards a buying a house.

Based on this I'd say YANBU.

Just tell her as she said you could keep it you've invested it long term, some for her Grandchildren's future and the rest for you and DH

I wouldn't give it back, no. It was a gift. He had the same amount, and what can you do if you did give it to him and he didn't pay you back?

Without lending it to him officially, you'd have no comeback, so the simple thing is to say no, sorry, it's tied up and we're still hoping to move at some near point, and that won't be possible if dbil has the money.

@Sweetglossy Yes I was trying to put it delicately but they definitely should have bought something, there's a lot of poor decision making here (and no one needs a brand new car, and a lot of people in central London don't need any car at all).

I wondered that. It’s deprivation of assets if there’s any reason to think she would need full time care.

I completely agree that you can't ask for a gift back. Even if you did still have the whole £195k, I don't think your brother would necessarily return it, especially when he seems unwilling to take sensible advice about house prices.

It must be galling to know your BIL wants to retire mainly because he has had more money than you and your husband and not because your BIL has worked so hard and been

Nothing to do with the thread but why did your MIL give away so much that she doesn't have the money to bale out your incredibly fortunate but clearly no great financier of a brother in law?

you don't have to give it back but it was given to you to buy a house - go buy a house! in the long term houses only go up in price.

I think you should keep it, and the brother can sell some house if he needs money.

Agree. And also what has DH having ADHD got to with how much he earns and what does that have to do with what you have both done?

House prices will surely keep going up while you wait - moving so your dd can do the last years of primary somewhere else would surely be fine.

What would I do? I'd buy a house with it.

I think it is children's savings £30k x 2 = £60k
£100k remaining in bank account

£35k plus interest spent on car, medical bills and other stuff in three years. If OP continues to spend it at rate of £1k a month there will be no money left to buy a house.

Seems possible both brothers have adhd, not that insolvency is necessarily a trait but it can be!

Jesus Christ. Once again there are so many people who can't read/can't be bothered to read the OP posts properly. The amount of stupid questions and irrelevant points is so frustrating. FFS.

We're not spending it at any rate at all.
We've had the same amount since buying the car and husbands medical which was last year and the year before.
£100k in a 5% interest rate account but fully accessible, £30k x 2 in kids account, fixed.
We could fess up, tell them we've used £35k and return the rest to MIL to give to BIL or we say no so it's earmarked for our future.

Who pissed on your chips

What does your DH say/think? This has family feud written all over it, especially if OP keeps making it like it is your joint decision. No, it's your DH's decision even if the money was given to teh 2 of you. Respect this family please.

I was all set to say YWBU to not give it back, but if he's already had the same and she definitely didn't stipulate it should be spent on a house then keep it.

Would she have expected you to sell your house to help him out?!