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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
InflatableSanta · 16/12/2023 20:30

I would be really frustrated if I gave my children early inheritance to buy a house and then they didn't spend it that way.

senua · 16/12/2023 20:30

He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire. DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.
He is paying her mortgage, even though they aren't married? Is MIL happy with money going out of the family? (I'm sure that they will stay that they are rock solid but you never know.) Have they sorted the ownership of the new property (tenants in common / joint tenants)? Why can't he get a short-term loan on the flat? So many questions.

It seems reasonable to say that you can't help because of the short notice given. It's ridiculous to expect anyone to find that much money with that little notice.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 16/12/2023 20:32

So 195k minus the 100k you have left means you spent 95k on a car, 3 years of expenses and an op? How expensive were the car and op?

InflatableSanta · 16/12/2023 20:32

Also it sounds like you have £160k left not £100k? I don't know why you would put £60k away for your children if you arent homeowners yet?

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:32

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:29

See above, I did clarify this. She probably ended up giving him more as it was cash and high value stuff from brothers estate.

We didn't buy a house because husband became unwell as well as covid and a bereavement on my side. Our plans on where to settle changed so we've just put it into interest accounts with the exception of the cost on car and paying for the medical bills. That's it.
We're not frivolous, we spend within our means and save for occasions, but we don't have a nest egg or have much of a disposable income.

Out of £195K you only have £100K left? And you haven't even started to buy a house. How much are houses where you are? I really don't understand even with it all going on why you haven't bought somewhere. Have you been renting all that time

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:33

You do have a "nest egg" she gave you 195K!!!

HamBone · 16/12/2023 20:34

Hang on, she gave your BIL the same amount (possibly more) as well? What’s he done with his money?

Be honest and explain that a large amount has been already been spent and the rest is in savings ready for a house deposit. If you give that back, you’ll never be able to get on the housing ladder like BIL already has.

I don’t see how you can return the £95K that’s been spent, you haven’t got it.

YireosDodeAver · 16/12/2023 20:34

It seems like a weird setup. Obviously this isn't an "inheritance" - no one has died. MIL made a gift to you 3 years ago and if she doesn't die in the next 4 years then that gift will be free of inheritance tax.

I originally wrote about the inequitable split but I hadn't seen that DBIL has already had the same amount. In the light of that - yanbu at all to say that the money is squirrelled away and not available.

tdino · 16/12/2023 20:35

I think there is 160 left.

100 accessible

Oh I'm sorry mum. You said this was inheritance. I shall speak to DBIL and we shall both discuss how we can return the full amount.

KateyCuckoo · 16/12/2023 20:35

It's not inheritance! She's not dead!

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:35

I'd leave BIL out of it and apologise for not using the money as you'd led her to believe you would. You conned her.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 16/12/2023 20:35

In my eyes, it seems clear that the money was given to you with the purpose of buying a house. Not to buy a car, private healthcare, replace a salary and put in your kids’ bank accounts. The fact that’s she’s asking for it back suggests she’s not expected you to use it for anything else. So, unless she definitely told you that it was a gift to buy whatever you wanted with, it’s reasonable of her to assume that you’ve not spent any of it because you are saving it for a property.

It’s not clear why you decided reallocate such a huge chunk of that money - nearly half - into a car and savings for children instead of prioritising getting on the housing ladder so if she’s a bit miffed about you blowing through all that money I wouldn’t be surprised.

MilkChocolateCookie · 16/12/2023 20:36

What did BIL do with the money he was given?

Original poster
Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:37

We haven't 'pissed it up the wall'. Family car, her sons medical bills and locked for her grandchildren.

Need to clarify that she was keen to give us the money and it took us 2 years to agree to it. She sold hers and more or less split the excess after buying her now house as well as money for her care if needed.

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 16/12/2023 20:37

If you’ve stashed money in your children’s name you need to be careful about tax. Any interest above £100 should be taxed at the parent’s rate if the money came from you.

It all sounds a bit murky. I don’t see why you should give it to your bil when he’s sat on a rental property and had a similar lump sum but equally it seems a little bit off if your mil have a gift to buy a house specifically and you’ve not done that.

HamBone · 16/12/2023 20:37

@YireosDodeAver The OP’s second post says that the BIL was given the same amount, possibly more. He’s obviously spent it.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 16/12/2023 20:38

Tell her it’s locked away in a 5 year bond.

tdino · 16/12/2023 20:38

And yes to comments that it's a gift not an inheritance. You cannot out conditions on a gift. Unless she specifically bought the house and went onto the title.

Flamesatmytoes · 16/12/2023 20:40

Tell her it’s in a structured product and bonded for 5 years. Totally inaccessible.

uhOhOP · 16/12/2023 20:42

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2023 20:26

Yes, give it back and tell her to keep it for now in case she needs it for care in the future. The lot of you are vultures, taking money from her. It’s not your inheritance until she dies. Outrageous greed from all of you.

Vultures? Greed? You're being a little dramatic, aren't you? The money was a present. It's not as though the woman is dying a slow and painful death and OP is sitting with her calculator working out how much inheritance they will be due when she finally dies.

Reallybadidea · 16/12/2023 20:43

Have you asked your MIL why she's asked for the money back, given that BIL has already had the same amount?

Dibbydoos · 16/12/2023 20:43

@Yetisquare I'd simply say Im sorry but it's not accessible cos it's in fixed savings accounts so we can buy a house in a few years.

Your DBIL is a bit crap with money isn't he? He knew his fix was coming to an end but left it too late to sell up. I'm sure he can afford his interest change if not he needs to get a job and not live off his partner!

Good luck.

Octavia64 · 16/12/2023 20:43

The problem is that if she is expecting it back and you say no there are likely to be repercussions.

Gifts within family often come with strings attached as you have now discovered.

What do you think she will do if you just say no?

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 16/12/2023 20:44

TBH it was money given to you for a house, you didn't put it into a house, so I can see why she's asking for it back.

I think you're going to have a serious falling out if you don't agree to her wishes now.

You should have just purchased a home like you were given the money for.

Mrsttcno1 · 16/12/2023 20:44

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 16/12/2023 20:35

In my eyes, it seems clear that the money was given to you with the purpose of buying a house. Not to buy a car, private healthcare, replace a salary and put in your kids’ bank accounts. The fact that’s she’s asking for it back suggests she’s not expected you to use it for anything else. So, unless she definitely told you that it was a gift to buy whatever you wanted with, it’s reasonable of her to assume that you’ve not spent any of it because you are saving it for a property.

It’s not clear why you decided reallocate such a huge chunk of that money - nearly half - into a car and savings for children instead of prioritising getting on the housing ladder so if she’s a bit miffed about you blowing through all that money I wouldn’t be surprised.

100% this!

The money wasn’t for you to spend how you like, it was to buy a house. Very clear she did not expect it to be spent on anything else as she is now asking for it temporarily back.

Give what you have left back, you’re not buying a house right now anyway, and you will get the money back once BIL house sells.