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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
InflatableSanta · 16/12/2023 20:46

When you say "locked for her grandchildren" is it in an account in their names or just earmarked for them?

If the former I don't know why you would do that when you aren't homeowners yet?

If the latter then you still have it and it would be more sensibly used to buy a home

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/12/2023 20:47

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:21

She's not dead it isn't an inheritance

It IS inheritance, read the OP's comments, it's from the death of MIL's brother.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/12/2023 20:48

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/12/2023 20:22

Was there a reason why she gave you a financial gift without having an equivalent amount set aside for her other son?

She did give the same amount to her other son.

HamBone · 16/12/2023 20:50

It doesn’t really matter what your MIL’s original intention was in gifting the money, once she handed it over, it became yours. Unless there was an agreement that you’d return it at a future date, I personally think that her request is unreasonable.

Avacardo2023 · 16/12/2023 20:51

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:37

We haven't 'pissed it up the wall'. Family car, her sons medical bills and locked for her grandchildren.

Need to clarify that she was keen to give us the money and it took us 2 years to agree to it. She sold hers and more or less split the excess after buying her now house as well as money for her care if needed.

Well you have pissed a lot up the wall if you have managed to spend £35k in three years plus any interest earned! That money should have been put away as untouchable. If you didn't have it to dip into you would have used the NHS and got by somehow over the past few years. If you carry on at this rate it will all be gone in about a decade with nothing to show for it.

MargaretThursday · 16/12/2023 20:52

When she said it was yours, was that initially, or after you'd decided that you weren't buying a house? Because:

"Thank you for lending the money for us to buy a house? Shall we set up a direct debit to pay it back monthly?"
"No, you don't need to pay it back at all. It's a gift."

is very different from:

"Sorry, Mum, we've decided that we can't buy a house now. Would you like the money back?"
"Oh, no, you keep it; it's yours."

or even:
"Sorry, Mum, we've decided that we can't buy a house now. Would you like the money back?"
"Keep it for buying one in the future then."

The first it's clearly given to buy a house. if you didn't buy one and have no intention of ever doing so then you should have checked the "it's a gift" still applies if it's not used for a house.

The second it's a free gift whatever you choose to do.

The third it's clearly marked for buying a house still, so it isn't there for you to put into children's savings etc.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2023 20:53

Let's get it straight. You aren't returning your inheritance. The person in question hasnt died. So it was a gift given for a purpose and you didn't use it for that. I'd be very annoyed in your relatives position. You've got it stashed away. Not on.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/12/2023 20:55

The amount of people commenting on this thread who clearly haven't read the OP's comments are doing my head in. Read the bloody thread people.

flowerchild2000 · 16/12/2023 20:55

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:19

She said its ours to keep. Gave BIL almost the same amount in cash plus high value items from the estate of her brother for him to sell off and keep the money from

With this new info I would say no, you're not obligated.

MilkChocolateCookie · 16/12/2023 20:56

She chose to give you this gift. She can't just demand it back.

LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2023 20:56

You shouldn't give it back as it was a gift, but you should have bought a property. That's what it was gifted for. I can understand her feeling a bit niggled by that.

LIZS · 16/12/2023 20:57

Was it a real gift though? Or an advance on inheritance with strings. You chose to accept it and use it for other purposes. She clearly views it as her money.

InflatableSanta · 16/12/2023 20:57

Avacardo2023 · 16/12/2023 20:51

Well you have pissed a lot up the wall if you have managed to spend £35k in three years plus any interest earned! That money should have been put away as untouchable. If you didn't have it to dip into you would have used the NHS and got by somehow over the past few years. If you carry on at this rate it will all be gone in about a decade with nothing to show for it.

Show quote history

Without details of the medical treatment that's a bit of an assumption. Waiting for NHS can mean being out of work for ages (that's certainly the case with my condition) but yes the car/stashing lots away for the children both seem like odd priorities

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2023 20:58

What does DH think? She must have realised you didn’t buy a house so I wonder what she thinks you’ve done with the money. Since BIL got the same amount I think it’s very unreasonable she’d ask for yours back. Not sure what I’d do but DH should ask why BIL gets to keep his and “borrow” yours.

Zanatdy · 16/12/2023 20:58

I’d say it’s tied up in a high interest account

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 16/12/2023 20:59

LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2023 20:56

You shouldn't give it back as it was a gift, but you should have bought a property. That's what it was gifted for. I can understand her feeling a bit niggled by that.

I agree. She might have said you can keep it, but I imagine she thought you would use it to buy a house, not just stash it away. What happens when you decide you need another new car, or there are more health issues? It's all going to get frittered away. I also can see why she might not be thrilled by your choices.

9outof10cats · 16/12/2023 21:00

If I were you I would not give it back. Considering the BIL was also given the same amount, why on earth does he need your share to tide him over? What has he spent his share on?

MilkChocolateCookie · 16/12/2023 21:00

LIZS · 16/12/2023 20:57

Was it a real gift though? Or an advance on inheritance with strings. You chose to accept it and use it for other purposes. She clearly views it as her money.

But if you want to avoid inheritance tax (which was presumably the motive for giving it) then it has to be without strings.

Dacadactyl · 16/12/2023 21:01

If I gave someone 195k on the understanding that they would buy a house, I would be upset and disappointed that they didn't.

HOWEVER, I firmly of the belief that if you give someone money and say it's theirs to keep, you don't actually get to dictate what they spend it on.

Original poster
Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 21:02

We told her we're not buying the house and offered to return the money.
She declined, said it was ours for a future purchase.
When we fixed it, we told her, she's aware a large chuck is more the kids and the rest in a high interest account but accessible. She just doesn't know how much hence the reason she's asked for it today.

Agree we should have used it for another purchase but for reasons already stated, we haven't.
But, I haven't posted to be told off for using some of it when needed.
Just, what would you do?
I don't know what BILS like with money and don't honestly know where his share he received has gone either. But us saying no will not put them on the breadline, he just isn't getting what he wanted on asking price and refuses to lower but is running out of time. He does have other options but seems like accessing husbands share is easiest maybe? We'll just end up losing on the interest

OP posts:
stiffstink · 16/12/2023 21:03

No way would I give BIL the money (which he's already had in an equal amount) for him to pay off his partner's mortgage. How is him having £195k going to help him sell his house by Jan?

HamBone · 16/12/2023 21:03

The OP said that her DH lost his job. I’m guessing that’s why they haven’t bought yet-perhaps they weren’t able to get a mortgage before interest rates started rocketing.

It can take a long time to recover financially from a job loss, I’m not surprised they had to dip into the gifted money.

SuspiciousSue · 16/12/2023 21:04

It’s no longer her money, it’s yours to do with as you please. You can hand it over if you want but don’t expect to get any of it back 🤷‍♀️

Sirian · 16/12/2023 21:04

Say no. If you give it to BIL you’ll never see it again. He’s already had his equal share, don’t give him yours as well. Tell MIL you invested it in a fixed term account and can’t access it.

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2023 21:05

So you've blown 35K in 3 years!!! Why on earth didn't you buy a house with it when you had the chance?
You were gifted the money to buy a house, you chose not to do that. I bet MIL is really annoyed that you didnt bother. Slightly going off the point, shew must be well off if she could afford to give her children 195K each in one go!!!