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Original poster

Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

290 replies

strawberrycream1233 · 16/12/2023 18:38

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

OP posts:
Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:31

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:20

Can you really not see the difference between that and a colleague getting another on the dance floor in front of everyone and groping them? So someone in the office does it to you. Starts publicly feeling your arse up. You’re really shy, but hey you’re all good with it. You think it’s ok to be treated like a piece of meat, or sexualised at a work event?

Show quote history

As I said, if it's unwanted then it's assault. If it's wanted and the person is ok with feeling like a 'piece of meat' or being sexualised then it doesn't matter if it's a work party.

Being at a a work party has no bearing on whether it's assault or not.

Moonwatcher1234 · 16/12/2023 22:32

DieuEtMonTwat · 16/12/2023 22:28

Like I’ve said above yes I would say this if it was reversed. It’s pathetic that people cry sexual assault in situations like this. If he was that offended he wouldn’t have tried to kiss her.

I for one am absolutely sick to the back teeth of people like you crying and whinging about any bit of flirting/banter/cheekiness. If your life could be that affected by a little mess around/grope then stay inside and let everyone else live like the normal people we were meant to be.

Well said, @CommonOrNot

Someone upthread said the OP should "reach out" to the male colleague. This is the Taking Offence culture neatly encapsulated in one weaselly phrase. "Reach out" my arse.

Women have fought so hard for equality (of sorts) and access to the workplace, to be treated with decency and respect, for the right to work in freedom from fear of assault and harassment - how dare people like you try and drag us backwards to a time when men, yes men, would say “come on, it’s only a little flirt/grope/banter. Shame on you.

Superduper02 · 16/12/2023 22:33

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YouStupidGirl · 16/12/2023 22:35

I tended to look out for inappropriate behaviour at staff gatherings

Oh Jesus, I bet you are THAT person everyone tries to avoid in the office 🤣

LaurieStrode · 16/12/2023 22:35

This is why I made a rule 30 years ago to never drink at work functions. It's just not worth it.

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:35

Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:31

As I said, if it's unwanted then it's assault. If it's wanted and the person is ok with feeling like a 'piece of meat' or being sexualised then it doesn't matter if it's a work party.

Being at a a work party has no bearing on whether it's assault or not.

Show quote history

It wasn’t wanted though was it.. even she didn’t want him, she was just being a drunken moron. She doesn’t even no if he tried to kiss her I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me

I don’t think it necessarily classes as assault but she was groping him, he hasn’t consented. And that is not the was it’s suppose to be. If the guy didn’t enjoy it he doesn’t need to ‘stay home and stop sucking the life out of everything’ as the poster I was replying to said.

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:36

Moonwatcher1234 · 16/12/2023 22:32

Women have fought so hard for equality (of sorts) and access to the workplace, to be treated with decency and respect, for the right to work in freedom from fear of assault and harassment - how dare people like you try and drag us backwards to a time when men, yes men, would say “come on, it’s only a little flirt/grope/banter. Shame on you.

Show quote history

And how dare people like you speak for all of us 🤷🏽‍♀️

some of us love a little flirt/grope/banter. In fact, it brightens my day ☺️ a cat call a day keeps the cobwebs at bay!

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:36

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She doesn’t even no if he tried to kiss her, she says she’s hazy on that.

jemenfous37 · 16/12/2023 22:36

@Flamesatmytoes So just because I don't use foul language on a public forum you think I am tame?
Wow
You are such a charmer. Your attitude to the responses here, and to the op's behaviour, say much about you

Youdirtysonofagun · 16/12/2023 22:37

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Morewineplease10 · 16/12/2023 22:38

If he tried to kiss you I highly doubt he's feeling assaulted op.

It is cringe bit it's done. Just apologise at your earliest opportunity to him. If anyone senior, or HR say anything, acknowledge it was inappropriate, you've apologised and it won't happen again.

MsRosley · 16/12/2023 22:39

Those of you telling her she'll be disciplined, get a grip. It's hardly sexual harassment if he later tried to drag her off and kiss her. Sounds like he was totally up for it.

OP, you've got a massive case of hangxiety. You'll feel far better by Monday.

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:41

MsRosley · 16/12/2023 22:39

Those of you telling her she'll be disciplined, get a grip. It's hardly sexual harassment if he later tried to drag her off and kiss her. Sounds like he was totally up for it.

OP, you've got a massive case of hangxiety. You'll feel far better by Monday.

Are you reading a different thread. She can’t remember if he tried to kiss her or not.

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:41

MsRosley · 16/12/2023 22:39

Those of you telling her she'll be disciplined, get a grip. It's hardly sexual harassment if he later tried to drag her off and kiss her. Sounds like he was totally up for it.

OP, you've got a massive case of hangxiety. You'll feel far better by Monday.

I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me

How does that sound like he was totally up for it? She doesn’t even no if he tried to kiss her. I doubt she will get in trouble at work but people are taking exactly what they want to hear out of the OP. Several hours after she turned up drunk she thinks he may have tried to kiss her = he was totally up for it apparently.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 16/12/2023 22:42

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"These people"? I assume you are referred to those of us who manage to enjoy ourselves without groping our colleagues?

I can't speak for anyone but me but no I don't want alcohol, nights out, pubs, clubs, Christmas parties or meat to me banned. I just wish the fuckwits at the Christmas party could behave so the rest of us don't end up with them being banned because of their behaviour.

You have me on vaping though. I think it should be banned but doesn't bother me really as I don't vape.

Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:42

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:35

It wasn’t wanted though was it.. even she didn’t want him, she was just being a drunken moron. She doesn’t even no if he tried to kiss her I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me

I don’t think it necessarily classes as assault but she was groping him, he hasn’t consented. And that is not the was it’s suppose to be. If the guy didn’t enjoy it he doesn’t need to ‘stay home and stop sucking the life out of everything’ as the poster I was replying to said.

Show quote history

I'd be saying something different if I thought it wasn't wanted, but I am assuming he did want it as he sought her out for a kiss later.

I completely agree that if he didn't enjoy it then he doesn't need to stay at home and stop sucking the life out of everything 😳

I didn't read properly what you were responding to, apologies!

EmmaEmerald · 16/12/2023 22:43

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I love all these things - she says, puffling on her evil disposable vape

but grabbing someone's arse unsolicited? That's just harassment.

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:44

Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:42

I'd be saying something different if I thought it wasn't wanted, but I am assuming he did want it as he sought her out for a kiss later.

I completely agree that if he didn't enjoy it then he doesn't need to stay at home and stop sucking the life out of everything 😳

I didn't read properly what you were responding to, apologies!

Show quote history

Again… what she said is, and I quote I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me

She does not no if he tried to kiss her. She was too drunk to remember.

newishmum · 16/12/2023 22:45

So sorry this happened!

Pinkelephant66 · 16/12/2023 22:46

Moonwatcher1234 · 16/12/2023 22:02

And you sound like one of this people that make everyone cringe at any work event and doesn’t realise everyone is gossiping about how embarrassing you were

Show quote history

No one I work with is a judgemental fun sponge. Thank goodness we don’t work together!

Flamesatmytoes · 16/12/2023 22:47

jemenfous37 · 16/12/2023 22:36

@Flamesatmytoes So just because I don't use foul language on a public forum you think I am tame?
Wow
You are such a charmer. Your attitude to the responses here, and to the op's behaviour, say much about you

Judge away in suburbia dear.

Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:47

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:44

Again… what she said is, and I quote I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me

She does not no if he tried to kiss her. She was too drunk to remember.

Show quote history

Ok but I'm assuming he did try to kiss her and that's what I'm basing my opinion on.

strawberrysea · 16/12/2023 22:48

Alohapotato · 16/12/2023 22:12

You should apologise to the guy and report yourself to HR.

You cannot be serious 😂😂😂😂😂

iwillnotstaycalm · 16/12/2023 22:52

Azandme · 16/12/2023 19:05

You have been colossally stupid.

The law considers a work do an extension of the workplace.

He could raise a grievance for sexual harassment and with all those witnesses you'd be hard pushed to deny it. Here's hoping he doesn't react badly to your rejection of his attempt to kiss you.

Was a grope of a colleague worth your reputation, or worse, your job?

Edited

This is a bit harsh on the op. She was clearly drunk and feels very shameful about it, but I don't think her intention's were shameful, perhaps just a little misguided given the fact she was intoxicated.

Yes this doesn't excuse things but it's clearly that it's something she has recognised and learned from.

Op, I would genuinely just apologise to him if you feel it necessary. I had a work colleague text me drunk once at a ridiculous hour. I put very strict boundaries in place, especially after I became a manager and he apologised, it was fine, we moved on. Perhaps next time you go to a work party, to just be mindful of what you are doing and how you feel now.

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 22:53

Can you imagine minding your own business at a work do and having someone come up to you and start groping you so you didn't feel left out?!!

It's awful behaviour. His arse isn't your play thing leave it alone.