Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

[strawberrycream1233]

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

What are you? 12? I have had to run disciplinary investigations for similar over the years, so yeah, problematic if this gets back to people in management who are trained not to turn a blind eye. This 90s bullshit attitude doesn’t wash anymore.

@Flamesatmytoes Go ahead and guess where I live. You couldn't be more wrong

OK I get it, you’re a grown up. Glad you clarified it.

Well I’ve sacked people, but not for shit like this.

I would say it was inappropriate behaviour for a work Christmas party but he was consenting by the sounds of it so hopefully nothing comes out of it other than some office gossip.

So you'd let someone get away with this?

So what would you do in this situation? Tell the guy to man up and stop being so soft? That feels like a tribunal coming.

How very classy…

Your use of the term “fun sponge” kind of tells me everything I need to know.

It's happened. There's a lesson to learn. Keep your fingers crossed and it wouldn't hurt to apologise.

I would apologise in person and send an all staff email announcing your resignation

Get away with what exactly?

The man was in no danger. He was possibly even enthusiastic. He hasn’t complained. This is angst purely from the OP.

If the man involved made a complaint, or even made a sniff of an issue, then the matter has a different perspective, but until then, yep. Office party.

You have created an imaginary (keyword) complaint.

Are you joking? I can’t tell

Can you really not see the difference between that and a colleague getting another on the dance floor in front of everyone and groping them?

Gripe has a very specific connotation sliding to sexual adult most times or other seedy behaviour.

If they're dancing and vibing and she touched him, that's not necessarily a grope unless it's persistent and unwanted.

HRTFL but I'm amazed that as a public sector worker you even have a Xmas 'do', just a week ago there was a thread where many posters declared they had never had a xmas do in decades as they worked in the PS, like that was a fait accompli and they were bereft of any work benefits or joy, ever.

Rather surprisingly, a week later, so many of the 'regretful xmas do' posts are coming from public sector workers.

Doesn't affect me, I'm self-employed (poorer but happier), so just something I've noticed is all.

Its the drinking culture in the UK or rather the binge drinking culture. Im a middle aged woman who has never been drunk and ive been met with complete disbelief in the past when ive mentioned it on here.

Turning up drunk was a mistake. Your company workers not making you sit down and stop making a fool of yourself another mistake.

Stop going on about it, refuse to discuss with co workers, apologise to the man you approached and do not make light of it. Then get on with your job.

Maybe instigate a drinks after work, but don't drink and hope someone else does something to distract everyone from gossiping about you.

Anyone whom tries to make you drink is not your friend in the office.

Are you both single?

Totally inappropriate. What on earth possessed you to do that? I'm puzzled that after groping him on the dance floor, you were then surprised when he tried to kiss you. You essentially came onto him. Embarrassing.

Many years ago on a work night, a young graduate who was with us, started dancing with a much older, married and more senior manager. She was very drunk although I don't think she had actually drunk that much, and she danced along. He started feeling her bum while dancing with her. She put her arms around his neck. It was cringey even looking at them. They were the only people on the dance floor. To this day I don't know why one of her colleagues didn't ask her to talk to them or just do anything to stop it. Maybe they didn't like her, maybe they thought they would embarrass her or maybe they just thought she wouldn't appreciate somebody stepping in. Nobody did and he carried on while smirking at other people watching them.

On Monday morning he was called into the office and reprimanded. It was approx twenty years ago and if it happened these days, I wonder what the outcome might have been.

If this man took you round the corner and tried to kiss you, he will not have felt sexually harassed by you. He will however, have thought from your behaviour that you were interested in him. As you weren't, to behave like you did was cruel, and made a fool of you both. Hopefully he won't have thought it was only your friend dragging you away that stopped it going further, or you may find he approaches you again, which will cause you both more embarrassment.
In the highly unlikely event he stood frozen in fear while you groped him, that it was you who managed to drag him around a corner and pin him down until your friend saved him by dragging you off (or whatever other fantasy scenario people may dream up to him as a victim and demonise you) then he may indeed complain about you. But it's vanishingly unlikely, so there really isn't a need to 'self report'. If it were me, I'd ask the friend who dragged you away what it looked like when she arrived. It may well put your mind at rest, that while your behaviour was unwise, it was not sexual harassment.

@Caplin has been at MANY a disciplinary for someone dancing drunkenly with someone else at the same peer level. Listen to them.

consent. It's good stuff. Along with sex, booze and your drugs and music of choice. At my school, the head prefect stopped a pupil being expelled for drug use by pointing out the teachers were supplied by the same dealer. I miss those days.

sidebar - is your username from the JX tune? I automatically hear that song when I see it.

this thread is certainly a change from the things MNers accused me of when I had a boyfriend half my age this summer. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP was anyone filming?