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Original poster

Was my behaviour at the Christmas do out of line?

290 replies

strawberrycream1233 · 16/12/2023 18:38

For context, I work in the public sector.

We had a Christmas party last night. I went for some drinks with my department before and arrived VERY drunk. My colleagues were dancing with one of the younger guys and giving him lots of attention. I felt sorry for his friend who is shy and was standing on his own at this time, ignored. I pulled him over to dance, and (I’m cringing) got pretty handsy with him, hands all over his bum and pulling him closer. Lots of people noticed and commented! I hear how awful this sounds now, but in my mind I was just having fun and including him, although I can see how it probably looked a bit seedy.

Towards the end of the night (I was even more drunk by this point) he pulled me round the corner away from the group. I’m hazy at this point, but I’m pretty sure he tried to kiss me. I know I didn’t kiss him back, and shocked he was being so forward (he’s very very shy and quiet). Another colleague bobbed round the corner and pulled me away and I was taken home!

Woken up this morning convinced I’ve been predatory and am going to be sacked for sexual harassment, and that I’ve taken advantage of him and shouldn’t have touched him. There would have been tons of people that saw me touching him. I just keep thinking if it was reversed genders and a man had been all over ME like that, he would have been (rightly) held to account there and then, whereas no one really seemed bothered by me doing it. We’re both similar age and don’t work together closely, our paths probably won’t cross for a while to be honest, which makes it more awkward,

Was I unreasonable? How can I applied for my behaviour?!

OP posts:
Youdirtysonofagun · 16/12/2023 22:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Alohapotato · 16/12/2023 22:14

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:11

Like I’ve said above yes I would say this if it was reversed. It’s pathetic that people cry sexual assault in situations like this. If he was that offended he wouldn’t have tried to kiss her.

I for one am absolutely sick to the back teeth of people like you crying and whinging about any bit of flirting/banter/cheekiness. If your life could be that affected by a little mess around/grope then stay inside and let everyone else live like the normal people we were meant to be.

Show quote history

How do you know he tried to kiss her? Maybe she did try to kiss him and then her coworkers saw her and took her home.

He might asked her to go outside as she has making a fool of herself and he wanted to talk about it.

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:15

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:13

I can’t actually believe what you’re writing. Are you drunk? No you don’t get to publicly feel up your colleagues, shy or otherwise, and she can’t even remember if he tried to kiss or. Could easily have been her tried to kiss him. She’s no friggen clue.

Show quote history

You don’t get to publicly feel up your colleagues? Womp womp. Stamp your feet in your little 250 den tights some more and have another Diet Coke if you’re feeling extra crazy.

she had a dance and a mess about. The end.

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:15

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:11

Like I’ve said above yes I would say this if it was reversed. It’s pathetic that people cry sexual assault in situations like this. If he was that offended he wouldn’t have tried to kiss her.

I for one am absolutely sick to the back teeth of people like you crying and whinging about any bit of flirting/banter/cheekiness. If your life could be that affected by a little mess around/grope then stay inside and let everyone else live like the normal people we were meant to be.

Show quote history

So you think people are meant to be groped without permission?

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:16

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:15

You don’t get to publicly feel up your colleagues? Womp womp. Stamp your feet in your little 250 den tights some more and have another Diet Coke if you’re feeling extra crazy.

she had a dance and a mess about. The end.

Show quote history

Ah ok, you are drunk.

Youdirtysonofagun · 16/12/2023 22:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:17

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:15

So you think people are meant to be groped without permission?

Show quote history

Person a: Hey, mind if I feel your arse?
person b: no not at all, go ahead

carefully places arse on handcheek

fuck me.

usernother · 16/12/2023 22:17

OP you've made a tit of yourself like lots of people do at office parties. I was at one last week and there was certainly some very very drunk people who I'm certain will have had massive beer fear the next morning. Apologise to the man, hopefully he'll apologise to you too and that'll be the end of it. No need to involve HR etc.

Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:17

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:15

So you think people are meant to be groped without permission?

Show quote history

Why are you ignoring the fact that a huge amount of consensual sexual encounters or even random kisses in a nightclub start off this way?

Of course sometimes people are indeed sexually assaulted but a huge amount of consensual encounters start the exact same way. The difference is whether the touching is wanted or not.

Flamesatmytoes · 16/12/2023 22:18

Moonwatcher1234 · 16/12/2023 22:00

If that’s your level at which something becomes unacceptable, I’m guessing you must find professionalism in the workplace a novel concept.

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Oh no, but I have perspective too.

Gettingbysomehow · 16/12/2023 22:18

Why on earth do people get so drunk and behave like this at work parties. Its so unprofessional.

CommonOrNot · 16/12/2023 22:19

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:16

Ah ok, you are drunk.

Show quote history

Smashed 🙄. I’ve had a single gin and I’m laying in bed nursing a toddler with a cough. Hold the front page for that though because I imagine in your dreary little world anything more than a thimble of sherry equates to a raging alcoholic.

EmmaEmerald · 16/12/2023 22:19

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:01

I’m no prude but I saw a woman at my work party do this a few years ago and I won’t lie, to her face everyone laughed it off and said it was fine, but behind her back everyone was appalled and talking about her. And someone in the end complained about her behaviour and disciplinary action was taken, after a full investigation with everyone interviewed on what had happened.

i also don’t like your attitude that you can’t even remember if he tried to kiss you but then follow it up with you were shocked he did. It can’t be both.

i don’t believe men and women should be treated differently in this and if you were a man people would say you’d committed sexual assault. At a min sexual harassment.

not ok all round.

This x eleventy billion

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:20

Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:17

Why are you ignoring the fact that a huge amount of consensual sexual encounters or even random kisses in a nightclub start off this way?

Of course sometimes people are indeed sexually assaulted but a huge amount of consensual encounters start the exact same way. The difference is whether the touching is wanted or not.

Show quote history

Can you really not see the difference between that and a colleague getting another on the dance floor in front of everyone and groping them? So someone in the office does it to you. Starts publicly feeling your arse up. You’re really shy, but hey you’re all good with it. You think it’s ok to be treated like a piece of meat, or sexualised at a work event?

Coffeeandcocktails · 16/12/2023 22:21

It’s great that you wanted to include him but you took it too far and may have also embarrassed him.
There’s also a lot of people out there who see small gestures as “flirting” so touching him up on the dance floor, he might have thought you were interested in him.

If I were you I’d be reaching out to him to apologise for your behaviour.

Moonwatcher1234 · 16/12/2023 22:22

Flamesatmytoes · 16/12/2023 22:18

Oh no, but I have perspective too.

Show quote history

Hmmm - from your posts, I doubt it.

Flamesatmytoes · 16/12/2023 22:22

jemenfous37 · 16/12/2023 22:10

@Flamesatmytoes My comment was in response to a post asking the relevance of mentioning the piblic sector.
But in response to your sneery comment, and the other snarky ones you have made, do sod off

Edited

Sod off? Blimey, even your insults are tame

Superduper02 · 16/12/2023 22:22

Edinburghguy · 16/12/2023 19:53

This used to happen to me a lot, especially by much older women. Sitting on my knee, lewd comments, grabbing my butt etc. I could tell a thousand tales but it would be too much for here.

If we are seeing the world through 2023 eyes and in light of equality, it would appear very wrong. However, I always just laughed it off and it never bothered me. But then again, I am a guy and there was never ever a chance of any woman ever assaulting me.

I am not excusing the behaviour but it is very different when a bloke starts to get handsy with a drunk female. The risk is so much greater.

Quite agree. You can't equate a woman being overly handsy incl touching a man's bum and a man being handsy touching a woman's bum and as some idiotic PP said breasts.

OP you've been a bit OTT. You had good intentions but clearly too drunk to draw the lines. He's tried to push for more by trying to kiss you. For all you know, he could be feeling the same anxiety as you. I have no advice because this is 2023 and everything is becoming quite confusing with regards sexual this and that.

Just drink less next time!

TeaKitten · 16/12/2023 22:23

Panaa · 16/12/2023 22:17

Why are you ignoring the fact that a huge amount of consensual sexual encounters or even random kisses in a nightclub start off this way?

Of course sometimes people are indeed sexually assaulted but a huge amount of consensual encounters start the exact same way. The difference is whether the touching is wanted or not.

Show quote history

You got all that from one question, well aren’t you smart. The person I was responding to said that groping was meant to happen, I haven’t ignored anything. There are some nutty people on this thread on both sides of the argument.

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:24

Superduper02 · 16/12/2023 22:22

Quite agree. You can't equate a woman being overly handsy incl touching a man's bum and a man being handsy touching a woman's bum and as some idiotic PP said breasts.

OP you've been a bit OTT. You had good intentions but clearly too drunk to draw the lines. He's tried to push for more by trying to kiss you. For all you know, he could be feeling the same anxiety as you. I have no advice because this is 2023 and everything is becoming quite confusing with regards sexual this and that.

Just drink less next time!

Show quote history

Why the hell can’t you equate it? Why is it ok for women to behave like this and not men? How can you tell men it’s not ok, whilst advocating it’s fine for women? It’s not ok for either gender.

Simpleblessingsxx · 16/12/2023 22:26

Having attended more Christmas events than I've had hot dinners just be grateful this is all you did under the influence. I tended to look out for inappropriate behaviour at staff gatherings so just be grateful someone got between you & this guy before it went further. My opinion, forget it.

Superduper02 · 16/12/2023 22:28

Frasers · 16/12/2023 22:24

Why the hell can’t you equate it? Why is it ok for women to behave like this and not men? How can you tell men it’s not ok, whilst advocating it’s fine for women? It’s not ok for either gender.

Show quote history

Well if you look at the quote history, you will see what I'm agreeing with and why. You are most welcome to disagree.

Moonwatcher1234 · 16/12/2023 22:28

Superduper02 · 16/12/2023 22:22

Quite agree. You can't equate a woman being overly handsy incl touching a man's bum and a man being handsy touching a woman's bum and as some idiotic PP said breasts.

OP you've been a bit OTT. You had good intentions but clearly too drunk to draw the lines. He's tried to push for more by trying to kiss you. For all you know, he could be feeling the same anxiety as you. I have no advice because this is 2023 and everything is becoming quite confusing with regards sexual this and that.

Just drink less next time!

Show quote history

So weird - how about people refrain from touching up colleagues of any sex?

DieuEtMonTwat · 16/12/2023 22:28

Like I’ve said above yes I would say this if it was reversed. It’s pathetic that people cry sexual assault in situations like this. If he was that offended he wouldn’t have tried to kiss her.

I for one am absolutely sick to the back teeth of people like you crying and whinging about any bit of flirting/banter/cheekiness. If your life could be that affected by a little mess around/grope then stay inside and let everyone else live like the normal people we were meant to be.

Well said, @CommonOrNot

Someone upthread said the OP should "reach out" to the male colleague. This is the Taking Offence culture neatly encapsulated in one weaselly phrase. "Reach out" my arse.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 16/12/2023 22:29

FFS some of the comments here 🤣 don’t post on mumsnet unless you want to feel 1000% worse than you already do. It was a Christmas party, this stuff happens, nothing to do with gender, as long as it was all in good fun and consensual it’s fine!