Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

Op, I've worked with victims of domestic abuse for years. As someone who has seen what is really going on behind the scenes when someone starts to confide about 'verbal only' abuse you have done the right thing a million times over. Women and men die because of domestic abuse, tbh with what I know now and what I have seen I'd say the potential of falling out with your friend is so so so preferable to the alternative. This could be the tip of the iceberg and ignoring it so that she can work it out herself will never ever work. He's blocking her from getting through a door ffs, can't believe posters think this is a situation where the victim has time to get her ducks in a row and leave. I have met families who have to deal with the devastation of the loss or serious injury to someone they thought was okay because she was going to work, running a house, saw her in the supermarket yesterday etc. Please do not beat yourself up third party reports are so very common and so so necessary.

It takes a village. Esp when there are children who likely also are being abused.

They might have a word with the husband. And then things might get a hell of a lot worse for her friend.

It's a very difficult situation. I think OP should have made some sort of plan to ensure the safety of her friend before telling the police.

Read the op again - husband blocked her exit - he didn't lock her in the room !

I imagine it happened when you gave them her details. Not sure what's confusing about that.

If a neighbour had heard the DH berating OP’s friend for an hour and blocking her way do she couldn’t get away from him, would you not expect them to phone the police

If he had been abusing her for years (and it doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse) the children should not be living in such a situation

I'd be very angry if I was your friend. Social services will be informed by the police due to there being children.
She's not ready to leave and you're forcing the issue

This.

It's funny because it's as if only physical abuse is proper abuse that's ok to report.

Emotional abuse is somehow something we should all turn a blind eye to though.

Yes folks this is 2023.

Coercive control is a crime.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

You did the right thing. It might not feel like
it now and she may be angry about it, but its a crime that leads to death for many women and children.

I wouldn't over think it.
if she is telling you this small snippet I can be confident that behind this is a hell of a lot more going on.
emotional abuse is so detrimental for all involved,
it might not be the right time but when is??? you have ripped the band aid off its going to be messy but we can hope that this starts the ball rolling. police and SS are well trained in navigating these issues so leave it in their expertise. if anything, their questions will only validate her experiences and provide more confirmation that she needs to leave which she has clearly been thinking about

it may rupture your relationship but so be it, you acted in the best interests of her and her children

I don't blame the op.

What if she did nothing then the husband murdered her friend over the weekend.

The friend should never have expected op to keep that a secret.

If it had been child sexual abuse would people still be telling the op she shouldn't go to the police?

Op- dont feel bad. Your friend put you in an impossible situation.

You will have lost the friendship but some things are more important.

@BackAgain2023 and so they should be and school should be too. But where there are children decisions have to be made quicker, not subjecting children to years of living in an abusive home

Why so glib?

It’s entirely normal for a law abiding citizen to get flustered and tell the police what they want to know if the police make it clear that they have to act.

I agree that it probably wasn't the best way to go about it but OP was only trying to help. I think everyone who’s piling on should save their judgement for the abusive toad that’s caused all of this.

I think it would have been better to have told her before telling the Police. That is usually what happens for eg when someone reveals themselves to be at severe risk of suicide - the MH team are informed and can assess re section but the person is informed.

Well, she may not be ready, but somebody has to take the initiative because the kids are being damaged each and every day.

And similarly when a safeguarding concern is raised.

OP, why did you do that? She was literally just opening up to you.
This didn't meet the sort of situation that required immediate police intervention.
You have made her life much more difficult than it needed to be.
She will not be able to remain your friend now, will she?

I'm conflicted. I mean, I bet the family of the head teacher and daughter who were murdered by the husband/dad may wish someone did similar.

It's done now and you did what you thought was right.

Social services should be informed children shouldn't be raised in abusive situations regardless of their parents wishes.

I think many posters are ignoring the fact that there are children involved, agencies need to know they are living in an abusive home

Yes, I expect so.

she wasn't in any physical danger, she was getting her ducks in a row.

she trusted you to get some emotional support, until she was ready to make a move.

now the week before Christmas, you've taken all the control she did have over her life away & involved the police.

id be beyond furious at you & we would no longer be friends.

id feel differently as a 'poster' if she was in physical danger, but I'm not sure about IRL. Also I'd feel differently if you were an old friend who really knows me & knows how I'm actually coping, than with a new friend.

honestly you need to learn from this and if anyone trusts you in the future, think much more about the consequences of your actions.

@Pinkpinkpink15 abuse isn't just physical, and children are involved. Per OP it has been going in for years, how much longer should children have to put up with it

Have you never heard of the non-emergency line? 101

Jesus f Christ there was no need for worst - well, in 20 years he has never physically assaulted her ( so she says ) • now he does !!! she is assaulted

You're just trying to dig the knife in. Or do you expect OP to turn back time!?