Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

Oh my. What a difficult situation. My worry is that he is a lawyer. His career and earning capacity is under threat as he can’t work with a criminal record. She needs him to be able to work and provide for the family whether she stays or leaves him.

I have no advice as to what to do. Could you perhaps call back and say that you have made a mistake? That you got the wrong end of the stick?

Excellent post, well put.

If someone is telling me they are being abused, they are crying out for help. She may not realise it, but she wanted your help and this is what you gave her @plimm

Ignore the bashers on this thread. They would be the ones if something happened to the woman or her family to say "Why didnt you SAY something! She was OBVIOUSLY telling you she needed help!" Don't listen to them, they are hypocrites.

If she didnt want you to do anything with the information then she should not have told you.

You were brave to contact the police.

I'm sorry about what happened to you but that's not a marriage. You've lost all respect for & trust in, your own husband. That's a broken marriage

You can’t really tell the police how to handle a domestic abuse case or insist on anything.

Good! Maybe her children are ready to leave this toxic environment.

For many, particularly law-abiding middle-class folk, the police are there to help and confide suspicions of wrongdoing to.
For those who have had need of them or more interaction, they often appear more like a street gang with a generous allowance of 'get out of jail free' cards.

'institutional racism, within the terms of its description
set out in Paragraph 6.34 above, exists both in the Metropolitan Police Service
and in other Police Services and other institutions countrywide.' Macpherson Inquiry into the Murder of Stephen Lawrence https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a7c2af540f0b645ba3c7202/4262.pdf

'Former DCS Cook told the Panel that, in his view, the Metropolitan Police was ‘institutionally corrupt’.' The Report of the Daniel Morgan Independent Panel https://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ukgwa/20220331103928/https:/www.danielmorganpanel.independent.gov.uk//wp-content/uploads/2021/06/CCS0220047602-001_Daniel_Morgan_Inquiry_Web_Accessible.pdf

The OP has made an honest mistake, no doubt encouraged by the practices of the police (certainly in England and Wales) which collect information, without reference to its future use and giving no indication of the consequences of doing so.

This approach - similar to the use of Family Liaison Officers to gather intelligence from the family of suspects or victims - leads to the not unsurprising consequence of the public losing faith in police officers of all ranks and the concept of 'policing with consent' having been relegated to an historic concept.

The complete lack of understanding of the optics of the handling of the Sarah Everard vigil and a seeming inability to relate to victims of crime, their families and communities have not helped https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/met-police-commissioner-cressida-dick-six-scandals-resignation-b981978.html

As a child witnessing physical and psychological abuse- I wish someone had called the police and social services

@everyonesgreen what relevance has your Police bashing post got to do with this thread. Ffs

you are a massive busybody!

And yet if this woman dies at her abuser’s hands you’ll be crying why no one helped her.

And we wonder why so many women and children get murdered by male partners.

I think of you explain to her that you didn’t mean for this to happen and hopefully she can contact police without her husband knowing and tell them you have misunderstood and she’s just having some marriage problems and don’t need police help she will be none the worse of with regards to trying to leave him and on the plus side she gets to speak to the police and that may just help her realise that she’s in a situation that she can change maybe with some advice or help that may be routinely offered to her. I was in her shoes at one time and although my friends help wasn’t always exactly helpful to me I did appreciate it came from them wanting the best for me and they were right …. Don’t be too hard on yourself

When the police were handling my domestic abuse case the officers involved were very alert to the need to protect me from harm.

They frequently sought my opinion about how the next steps they planned to take might impact me and how we could minimise the risk.

There was no gung ho appearing unexpectedly at the front door or questioning my abuser without me having prior knowledge.

Is she local to you?

If so can you ring her and ask her to help you with an emergency (so potential for getting her away from him - both for you to tell her and possibly for her to contact the police to avoid them going to her

@plimm Are you ok OP? You haven't done anything wrong, not necessarily. Please ignore the bullies on here, your intentions were good. The police aren't stupid, they'll handle this sensitively (or at least they're certainly supposed to)

I've been in your friend's situation (including being on the receiving end of the police report) so if you want to chat, please pls me

Because many innocent/well-meaning people raise things with the police and end up regretting it.
Many PP are condemning the OP for doing so, I can understand both perspectives, so my advice is to think twice before contacting the police.

Having been in a DV situation and someone reported anonymously to ss I can safely say that it didn't really help. They contacted us (though nothing came of it) and obviously ex found out. He was absolutely raging and called me all sorts of things saying I'd grassed him up, I was a liar and he was going to have to keep tighter watch on me as i couldn't be trusted etc. This sort of thing 100% worsens abuse. People who haven't been there don't get it. Eventually I got away when the time was right not when a well meaning person tried to force it.

reporting someone being abused is out of someone’s lane? Sorry…wtaf?!

OP please tell us that you’ve informed her of what you have done.

What happened here. Absolutely. The OP had no right to do that. No right at all.

Maybe the capacity that someone could get seriously injured or killed by an abusive prick that they live with?
’Preserve me’ from having a friend like you because seriously it sounds like you walk around with your head in the clouds, with not a care in the world to anybody but yourself.

@confusedaboutclothes this could be the trigger that makes an abuser murder his partner and children. Not the right way to go about helping her friend.

How do you think her husband will react once police get involved ?

If a man is that abusive that murder is on his mind at all then OP has absolutely done the right thing.