Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

[plimm]

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

@Peablockfeathers I think you'd do well to read what the professionals and those that have escaped domestic violence have to say, honestly. But this is mumsnet and people often think they are experts in everything.

Unsure if anyone else has said this but you may have put her in a more dangerous situation by sending the police. He might not be physically abusive but emotional and verbal can also be upped and make her life a misery. All abuse is abuse.

Often it takes such a long time for women to leave because they are waiting for the safest moment. This might have really ruined her long term plan.

I understand your heart was probably in the right place but you have overstepped the mark there.

I HAVE been in OP's friend's position and the report did help. So it clearly varies

I needed a friend like you once. I don’t think you’ve done the wrong thing. This could be the best thing that’s ever happened for this woman and her children.

I honestly think that what you did was genuinley to protect your friend and people on here bashing you are being too harsh. Im not an expert and have no idea the best way to handle these situations but please dont be hard on yourself because you did what you did out of only good intentions. Iv had to listen to friends of mine in a complete state because they have been suffering physical and emotional abuse and have wanted to call the police but for various reasons I havent been able too. I think its honestly a very tough position to be in because on the one hand you dont to make anything worse for your friend but you also want to protect her and then of course theres also her children...maybe you have made things worse for her but maybe your actions will be the reason she can finally be brave enough to leave him for good! You should prepare for your friendship to be over but in knowing that you only wanted to do the right thing by your friend.

What professionals are you referring to? My experience is just as valid as anyone else's on here.

OP I don't think you have done the wrong thing. Professionals trained specifically in DV can now risk assess the situation.

2 women a week die as a result of domestic violence. As a friend (and not as a particularly long standing one), you can not impassively/objectively assess the risk. Nor should you be expected to. If your friend had told you she had been physically assaulted, would you still feel this turmoil at reporting it? Abuse is abuse. And highly likely this is the tip of the iceberg.

Christmas is a high risk period for DV. There are children involved.

I actually disagree with telling your friend. It will make no difference to how the police handle this, and they will have specialised training to support when such a disclosure is made.

If your friend discovers you reported this, your friendship will probably be over.

A very small price to pay knowing you have given your friend the "out" to talk to professionals who can actually help. Whether or not she chooses to do this, or is ready to do this, is out of your control.

Don't be hard on yourself OP. You have done what you think is best. And for what it is worth, off a random on the internet, I agree with what you did.

I would warn the friend that I'm obligated to share the information and ask her what outcome she is hoping for, but I would still report.

Aye. Report and run, I bet.

You overstepped, talk to your friend, explain what you did, she will likely be very pissed off.

She can either make it go away in an instant by simply saying to the police that you mis-understood something and acted over zealously, if she and hubby present a happy families front the police won't go anywhere near it, no evidence other than hearsay.

or

She can make use of what you did and persue the matter with the police.

I know several "happily" married couples who really enjoy being semi-permanently at war in some kind of masochistic way - whatever floats their boat, its not always what it seems to be.

So who’s right is it? To report abuse? Or do we just wait for another woman to die because we all had to mind our own business?

Absolutely not, he will play the victim - like a true abuser. You don’t just sit and wait just incase he does something because either way he’s doing something!

Jesus fucking christ. I'm missing teeth because of my ExP beating the shit out of me if my keys were hanging on a different hook - evidence I'd 'been up to something'
Just stop & think what he'd have done to me if the Police had turned up unexpectedly, even if I'd told them that nothing had happened.
I did eventually call the Police, when he beat me to a pulp & threatened to kill our children. I didn't give a statement, I said I didn't want it to go any further than just removing him until he sobered up. CPS decided to prosecute anyway - ExP stopped paying the rent, didn't pay maintenance, so DC & I were penniless, about to be made homeless.
You may have had the right intentions, but you have no idea how her partner is going to react - and it wasn't your decision to make. She knows him better than you do.

Because many innocent/well-meaning people raise things with the police and end up regretting it.
Many PP are condemning the OP for doing so, I can understand both perspectives, so my advice is to think twice before contacting the police

This thread really isn't the place for your anti Police narrative

I agree 100%. So many people are simplifying this whole thing, as though all it takes is a phone call to the police and victims can skip off and live happily ever after. If that’s all it took when I was a victim then I would have gone and bloody done it myself. People don’t realise the damage something like this can do and how much it can push victims further in their abuser’s grip.

It’s no wonder when women are in survival mode they don’t tell a soul what they’re going through.

Ah FFS, the spineless creature was with her cretin of a husband for 20 years, she's not 'leaving him'!

I come from an abusive family. Parents abusive to each other and to us, children. Doormat of a mother waiting for 'the right time' to leave. They still live together to this day and I'm 36 now.

Meanwhile my brother and I grew up in all that shit. I have a truckload of issues due to it, my brother less, but plenty of his own.

Everyone knew, no one intervened. Because my parents were rich, 'respectable' people with 'big' jobs, and because you don't interfere in family's life, right? Just minding your own business.

She's no victim, my mother. Spineless, selfish creature. We were the victims, my brother and I. And she did nothing.

So no, OP, don't feel bad. You helped the children.

This is exactly what I'm thinking. And now the friendship will end cutting off an avenue of help

I do think that OP's report to the police has the potential to eventually have a good outcome.

When being subject to abuse is your daily reality, you become accustomed to it and you normalise and minimise it to yourself and others.

Sometimes an 'outsider' perceives things more objectively than you are able to, and sometimes they try to rescue you to save you from your circumstances.

It can be a shock when that happens and can provoke all manner of feelings, but it can also enable you to acknowledge to yourself how bad and dysfunctional things really are, and give you an opportunity to decide what changes you want to make.

I hope OP's intervention will prove to be such a catalyst for her friend.

I hope OP will stick around and not sheepishly leave her friend to it. If she genuinely wants to help her friend then there are lots of practical and emotional ways to help her, but that’s sometimes too much effort. 🤔 Some people take the report and run approach. <Slow clap>

You have done the right thing and if she does not disclose anything significant that would warrant Police pursuing a criminal allegation, she can request the log the information only.

@Nextweektoo Did you not see my post where I said I didn't give a statement, said very clearly to the Police I didn't want to take things further - and my ExP was still charged? The police don't just 'log' things.

Personally I think you need to tell her and try to give her a heads up and explain you were genuinely worried for her wellbeing and wanted to help but now you understand you've maybe gone about it the wrong way. I'd make sure she knows the number for the dsv helpline and that she can stay with you with her kids if things blow up if the police get in touch.

The majority of dv incidents are flagged because a neighbour makes a call to police, the difference here is the police aren't going to catch him in the act or her at a point of crisis. I don't think there's much more you can do. I agree with others that you weren't wrong to phone for advice but giving her details was maybe the wrong call but I also imagine that the person on the other end of the call was understandably keen to assist and it seemed like the right thing at the time when you were already worried. All you can do is put it down to learning. You had the right intentions, just slightly the wrong approach.

@Shadowonasun thank you for saying that. I was subjected to many years of of emotional abuse from "D"M. F was 100% aware as were many other adults. Nobody did or said anything.
I'm in my late 50s now and have suffered terrible CPTSD throughout my adult life as a result.
Thankfully I'm now much much better but it's taken decades.
I wish there had been someone to look after and protect me.

Yes, sorry I didn’t mean that the person affected couldn’t have input into the process or that the police won’t listen. I meant that the person originally reporting couldn’t just change their mind, say they were mistaken and tell the police to back off.
Some of the people posting here don’t quite understand how the police operate (luckily for them as they haven’t needed to, that’s not a criticism). When it works it works well and they can give an extremely sensitive response linked into the local domestic abuse service.

This all day long.

My friend reporting my situation was the best thing that happened to me.

Logging it just isn't a thing the way people on here think it is If you ever phone to 'log' something there's always a strong chance the police will take further action.
Particularly if you're disclosing any kind of crime to them.