Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reported to police for my friend without her knowing

371 replies

plimm · 16/12/2023 12:02

Spoke to my friend who was in tears over the phone this morning. She confided in me the behaviour of her husband towards her (blocking her exit in her room for over an hour so she had to listen to him berating her amongst other verbal abuse for years) and I think I've been an idiot, called the police for advice because she's so busy, took ages to get through but then talking to police they said an offence has been committed and needed to record it, and I ended up giving all her contact details.
Now they've logged it, I think as a welfare/safeguarding concern so they need to make contact with her and go through a risk assessment with her.

I'm thinking I should have just called a national domestic abuse helpline instead, why the hell did I call the police for advice?!
Now I've given her a whole heap of pain and work to do allowing the police to carry out a risk assessment all in the week before Christmas!

I said to the police she'd probably contact them in the New Year and they said that's too late, so I said she'd contact them on Monday or Tuesday. They said they'd need to check with their supervisor if that was okay because I've basically reported an offence, and she may be at risk, they said if something were to happen to her and the police knew about it and did nothing - how awful that would be. He's not physical towards her, just mental/verbal and they've been married for nearly 20 years.

The worst thing is, I've only known her for just over a year, and feel I've betrayed the confidence of a new and lovely friend. She has been plucking up the courage and strength to divorce him for years and waiting for the very best time for the children whom she is extremely dedicated to. Now I might have forced her hand for her in a really messy way, when she can just apply for a no fault divorce in the new year and hopefully have a smoother separation from a very difficult and controlling man. He has strong narcissistic traits and is a lawyer, and bound to retaliate very strongly to something like this and would never leave her alone about the "false" accusation.

I feel I was kind of led along on the phone with police to do the right thing and give all the details but I definitely would NOT have called them if I'd known how it was to end up. She is busy away from the house today with kids, has a long drive, things to arrange, so many plates to keep spinning and now I've just given her this to deal with as well.

I haven't told her yet as she is already so tired and upset today, I'm thinking to tell her on Monday and encourage her to call the police then but I know she won't want to, saying she'll do it in the New Year. Then I'll have to say that she kind of has to, otherwise they'll be contacting her.

I know I've been unreasonable, my question is how unreasonable have I been, and any advice for how I can deal with this mess best? WWYD now?

OP posts:
overwhelmed2023 · 16/12/2023 16:11

Did she give you permission to report of gave you done it off your own back?

LaurieStrode · 16/12/2023 16:13

I'm shocked at how OP is being treated on this thread and dumbfounded that so many women are suggesting she overlook the potential damage to those children. No fucking WONDER we have so many tales of women putting up with shit men for years and years on end.

OP, you did the right thing. Hopefully this will galvanize some change and those kids will be in a better situation soon.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 16:24

No-one told op to overlook it.

There are loads of things she could have done to actually help that didn't involve trapping this woman with police intervention which will make the situation worse for her.

Let's face it, they aren't going to arrest him for third party information about this incident, which will be downplayed as a couple having an argument and op being dramatic and malicious in reporting it.

PocketSand · 16/12/2023 16:26

Abuse and abusive isolating is so devastating because there is no one there to help you or because you think that no one will believe you let alone help you. It is so lonely.

You convince yourself it's not so bad and that your children's lives are not so bad because you soak it up or you are a buffer.

You try to leave and it's a shit show. Multiple times and each time it is an assault on your self esteem and you ache for the damage caused to your children by trying and failing to leave and the damage of staying with a man you fear and hate.

You know why? Because you saying you want to leave, want a divorce, even with women's aid unless you go to a refuge, is meaningless. Unless you get other support you either stay or you go to a refuge.

A friend believing you and reporting to the police so that SS can be involved and can support you protecting your DC from your partner are to be welcomed if you also want to escape your partners control.

OP you believed your friend and wanted to help her and her DC. Being blocked from leaving a room and verbally abused (DC would have been aware) is not OK. You just made the private public knowledge.

Not all men that are emotionally controlling become physically abusive or murder their partners and we shouldn't stop trying to help just in case.

Rachelsthorns · 16/12/2023 16:27

What makes you think they’re women? I’m wondering how many of them are abusive men.

EmmaEmerald · 16/12/2023 16:27

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 16:24

No-one told op to overlook it.

There are loads of things she could have done to actually help that didn't involve trapping this woman with police intervention which will make the situation worse for her.

Let's face it, they aren't going to arrest him for third party information about this incident, which will be downplayed as a couple having an argument and op being dramatic and malicious in reporting it.

What could OP have done to help? Without putting herself at risk?

FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 16:29

LaurieStrode · 16/12/2023 16:13

I'm shocked at how OP is being treated on this thread and dumbfounded that so many women are suggesting she overlook the potential damage to those children. No fucking WONDER we have so many tales of women putting up with shit men for years and years on end.

OP, you did the right thing. Hopefully this will galvanize some change and those kids will be in a better situation soon.

IT. WAS. NOT. THE. OP'S. DECISION. TO. MAKE.

What part of that are you - and people with the same opinion not getting?

The OP did not even see/hear/witness anything herself. She is basing her report to the police on what her friend has said. I am not saying for a SECOND that the OP's friend is bullshitting, not at all, but she was confiding in the OP. She was not saying 'please tell the police for me.'

I can't believe some posters on here are not grasping the simple fact that the OP has interfered where she shouldn't have, and has very likely made her friend's situation worse!

I despair for humanity sometimes, reading some posts on here.

Interestingly, virtually 6 out of 10 people (on the poll) think the OP is being unreasonable/is in the wrong! And many posts back that up too.

As I said earlier, and as some others have said, what the OP has done, is one of the reasons why I tell people FUCK-ALL! Too many interfering busybodies about, poking their nose in to things that don't concern them. (And often making a situation worse!)

@plimm Have you told your friend yet - that you have contacted the police ON HER BEHALF.......? I dread to think what the outcome is, and now fear for her safety.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 16:33

@EmmaEmerald she could have supported her in contacting women's aid, she could have helped op by storing birth certificates etc at her house, she could have been point of contact between this woman and WA to save any texts/emails going directly to her, she could have gathered information about charities/refuges in her area or benefits, or legal aid etc, she could have made it clear she is a trusted friend who this woman could rely on for support instead of going behind her back and leaving this woman unable to trust anyone.

There's lots of ways to support and empower someone until they are in a safe enough space to be able to leave quickly.

Peablockfeathers · 16/12/2023 16:33

But OP didn't phone the police to report him or to get the heavies sent round- it was for advice. There's nothing to suggest the OP had bad intentions or knew that phoning for advice would lead to it being formally recorded and followed up like this, not a lot would. If something happened to OPs friend or her children I'm sure people would be clamouring to tell OP she should have done something when her friend told her about it, its not easy to know what that something is.

EmmaEmerald · 16/12/2023 16:35

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 16:33

@EmmaEmerald she could have supported her in contacting women's aid, she could have helped op by storing birth certificates etc at her house, she could have been point of contact between this woman and WA to save any texts/emails going directly to her, she could have gathered information about charities/refuges in her area or benefits, or legal aid etc, she could have made it clear she is a trusted friend who this woman could rely on for support instead of going behind her back and leaving this woman unable to trust anyone.

There's lots of ways to support and empower someone until they are in a safe enough space to be able to leave quickly.

Okay, thanks.

Dinnertimewoop · 16/12/2023 16:36

I am a bit confused as to what you thought the police were going to do? Like what were you hoping to achieve with this?

PocketSand · 16/12/2023 16:37

I'm confused - if you say that you tell people fuck all because they are busybody's. - how does that relate to confiding in a friend that you are being abused? Do you consider women's aid to be busy bodies?

Dinnertimewoop · 16/12/2023 16:38

Is there a way the police can say it was an anonymous report from a neighbour?

Zebedee55 · 16/12/2023 16:40

As there are children, it was the right thing to do. Not sure your friend will see it this way though.😗

FreshWinterMorning · 16/12/2023 16:41

@Peablockfeathers

OP gave the police all her friend's details!

Ktime · 16/12/2023 16:42

I think the universe took over and made you report him.

Hopefully this scares the fucker into leaving her.

Don’t feel bad, we as a society are too removed from other people on the excuse that it’s not our business. I think you did the right thing.

Dorriethelittlewitch · 16/12/2023 16:43

You need to tell her OP.
Someone did the same to me, not because I'd disclosed anything but because she'd seen bruises places which raised concerns. The first I knew about it was two policemen on the doorstep doing a wellbeing check on me and my children.
Whilst they were kind and sympathetic, it was extremely stressful for all of us. I imagine it would be worse if you actually have an abusive partner/husband.

crumblingschools · 16/12/2023 16:46

If it had been going on for years it is a safeguarding concern for her DC.

LeaveBritneyAlone · 16/12/2023 16:48

That’s really weird, I tried to report a crime on behalf of someone else last year and was told I couldn’t! That only the victim or a designated person (ie POA) could do it.

PocketSand · 16/12/2023 16:49

OP you believed her.

You took action to protect her and her DC.

You can't control the consequences. They refer to the actions of another.

It is for other agencies to step in and protect her and her DC from the actions of her partner.

beastlyslumber · 16/12/2023 16:49

You can't say it's not anyone else's business.

Tbh, that's what abusers say. It's no one else's business. Keep it secret. Don't involve anyone else.

Why are women on here telling other women "it's none of your business"? Or "it's not your place to say anything or do anything"?

Isn't it? Don't we all have a responsibility towards one another? If not to another adult, then to vulnerable children?

Those of you saying it's not anyone else's place, you are essentially saying exactly what abusive men say. They say it, of course, to protect themselves and to shame their victims and stop them getting out. What's your motive for saying it, I wonder?

randomstress · 16/12/2023 16:51

IT. WAS. NOT. THE. OP'S. DECISION. TO. MAKE

Safeguarding is everyone's business.

Didimum · 16/12/2023 16:54

randomstress · 16/12/2023 16:51

IT. WAS. NOT. THE. OP'S. DECISION. TO. MAKE

Safeguarding is everyone's business.

This exactly. I bet grown kids of abusers wish to god someone had called the police on behalf of their parents.

AnneValentine · 16/12/2023 17:00

plimm · 16/12/2023 13:15

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just confused how this happened when I rang for advice trying to help her.

Show quote history

It happened because you rang the police! This was so far out of your lane.

SausageChopsBellyFlops · 16/12/2023 17:01

What do you really think the police are going to do, it doesn't sound like the husband was physical with her, so no bruises or anything, and it's the word of a friend who heard from her friend over the word of a couple who were actually there, even then it would be a he said/she said thing.

The police won't do a thing. They can't, there's no evidence and not even a first hand report.

Op has taken this woman's chance of collecting evidence or leaving quickly and quietly away from her now because the husband will find out about this and be hyper alert now.