To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

[nhd]

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

Sounds like most of your interlocutors have never met a 3 year old, and haven’t really read what your post says OP.
It’s rude to tell anyone, especially an easily distracted 3 year old that they could be doing something else when they’re in the middle of doing an activity. The correct response is: well done. But remember you could be doing something else minimises their effort.
Telling your 3 year old she doesn’t need to be pretty for any man implies her mommy is doing that, and that it’s wrong, it’s rude towards you and interrupted your bonding time.
Telling a 3 year old that she doesn’t need to change her clothes when she’s half dresses is again just silly, my 2 years old toddler hates clothes, hates nappy change, hates bath time or combing her hair. She’ll happily spend all day naked with no nappy if she could, telling her she doesn’t need clean clothes if I do manage to change her is just silly.
I empathise and understand your frustration op, just call her out for being rude. Say things like “are you implying I’m putting make up to impress a man?” Or “My child is having a good time doing an activity, can you please not minimise her achievement?”

I really wouldn’t want anyone in my family taking an ‘active part’ in my children’s upbringing. Seeing them, spending time with them is one thing but giving permission for them to interfere in their upbringing, no thanks.

Who does she think she is? Totally over stepping boundaries.

Your daughter to parent how you see fit.

Your daughter will grow up surrounded by this woke noise. Woke friends, brought up by woke parents, surrounded by woke teachers.

At least let home be a woke-bs-free zone.

Nothing wrong with SIL messages but it is not her place to keep making comments. Irritating. She is sticking her oar in.
What would annoy me in your place is her assumption that you are not aware of these things and you heed her to point them out. also annoying because it’s provocative passive-aggressive to make comments to your DD when SIL is actually talking to you.
Next time say something like “I do KNOW these things, SIL - (give a little laugh) ‘You don’t have to keep telling me as if I don’t know!’ Try to keep it light.
IMO she should butt out.

I agree with you. 😊

You are so right. Especially the point about minimising their efforts. Little awareness of what 3 year olds are like.

Well, if everyone is so sure that the OP is giving her dd good messages about gender roles and stereotypes already, there's nothing wrong with the SIL reinforcing them, is there?

Personally I would limit time dd spent with sil. She’s 3
she doesn’t all of that around her just yet. Sil is too pushy with her ideas and has overstepped the mark

OP she’s your daughter and you seem to be doing a great job ! I would hate it if someone is constantly making those kind of comments ! Her ideas are things I agree with , I bake and play football with my son , I encourage my daughter to try everything, I don’t need someone constantly telling me . But I have seen young children tend to copy their parents , my 18 month old loves to wear my jewellery etc . My 5 year old son loves to twin outfits with his dad . What’s wrong with these things ? When they are older they will make their own choices and we will support them
as will you , I can hear that coming from all your posts . You are not being unreasonable.

SIL I understand you have strong feminist views but can you please stop with the running commentary to my daughter? If you choose to have kids yourself then you can choose how to raise them. I should be able to boost my child's confidence and tell her she looks pretty without you interjecting all the time.

There is. It's arrogant.

You sound like a balanced aware mum.i would find her patronising and sanctimonious.

Totally agree with this.

have responses ready…. I’d have to laugh and say ‘oh Aunty Helen, we can’t go to a party wearing 3 day old dirty pyjamas !’ Then I’d look at her and make it very clear she did not need to respond!!

I’d then either myself or get DH to speak to her quietly saying that she over stepped!

I’d also say ‘Yes she can watch football with Daddy… or with mummy… or she can bake with mummy, or with Daddy!….

She doesn’t need to be told everything at 3!! Once she starts school the questions about same sex relationships will soon follow… I got the ‘can 2 men have children/can 2 women have children?!’ Questions soon after starting school….

At seniors they’re all confused… too quick to announce they’re gay/bI/non binary/trans etc….. in fact my DD even has a furry in her class…. I mean should we be telling our kids at 3 that they may even choose to be a cat when they’re older!

I wouldn’t discuss with your SIL schools etc or your reasons for looking at them, this is your DD, and frankly those discussions are between you and your DH. I really wouldn’t stress about seniors yet, you’ve 2 other schools to apply for and get into first!…. Whether your DD goes to an all girls or mixed school will very much depend on who she becomes in year 5 and 6…
In the mean time I would love to know if your SIL goes out wearing dirty 3 day old clothes, if she greys naturally or dyes it… shaves her armpits, plucks eye brows, lets her facial hair grow out, and doesn’t bother with perfumes or deodorants?!? Or does she dare to take pride in her appearance? Dare I say even look pretty or attractive??

OMG thank you!!! This is exactly what I wanted to say but you said it a great deal better.

Exactly this.

We do not raise women by declaring traditional female activities as lesser and male ones as superior. We raise women by insisting ALL activities are for ALL people and taking pride in our achievements, be that tasty cookies or playing centre forward.

SIL needs to celebrate the child for who she is, and present an alternative narrative to the ‘girls are X, boys are Y’ by living it and being open if asked- there is little practical point in lecturing a 3 year old and putting her mums back up.

I am auntie to a lot of girls, and I’m close and spend a lot of time with them all. Some come over and want me to do their nails and borrow my expensive makeup, some come to me for reassurance that they don’t have to remove any body hair if they don’t want to, and whether digital design or separate science GCSEs are better for a future in engineering.

I have told all of them they are funny, clever, beautiful, sarcastic, kind, cutting, stylish etc at different points- because they are entire people who are all of these things in different amounts at different times.

She can be whoever she wants to be and doesn't have to please anyone... except if she wants to please her aunt, then she should change herself and stop liking makeup and baking and should start liking (watching other people play) football?

She hasn't told her she can be whoever she wants to be at all! SIL is telling her that her preferences are not good enough.

Why not just have a calm, grown-up conversation when the child is not around? 🤷‍♀️

Again, it's not about her reinforcing them, it's about how and when. There's a passive aggressiveness to the way she's doing it at the moment, and she's not putting the child immediate emotional needs first.

She should just say "wow, those biscuits look great! Well done you!"

We do not raise women by declaring traditional female activities as lesser and male ones as superior. We raise women by insisting ALL activities are for ALL people and taking pride in our achievements, be that tasty cookies or playing centre forward.

Amen x 100.

Yes, that’s a good idea, too.

@saraclara "We do not raise women by declaring traditional female activities as lesser and male ones as superior."

I don't think anyone is declaring that. What some of us are declaring is that it should not be assumed that girls will do traditional female activities. Or that girls should automatically be concerned with their appearance and "prettiness".

SIL was declaring that by waving away her niece's cookies and telling her all about football.

People on here might not, but the SIL seems to be. Again, why did she not respond to the baking with the sort of praise and acknowledgement of her niece's efforts that most people would offer an excited and proud 3 year old? Why instead, tell her that she didn't have to do that, she could go to football instead? Come on now, that's weird and it definitely implies that baking is somehow lesser or lacking in something.

Unfortunately you don’t get to define words that are in constant use. Meanings change. And in the age of SM they change very fast. You may think you know what woke means but it is not what many people mean when they use the word.

Obviously not. But if they want to do those things that’s great, just as it’s great if they want to be a rugby player.

The sil would probably have a greater effect on the child’s development and thinking by just being a present role model for her.

What she is doing now is just irritating the child’s mum which makes it far more likely that she will distance her family from the sil or contradict her to the child.