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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my Nan can’t do Xmas dinner this year?

229 replies

Poinseis95 · 15/12/2023 11:56

I’m 29 and my Nan is 84 and this year she has said she can’t do Christmas dinner anymore as she doesn’t have the energy to do a huge dinner for the whole family because she’s too old. Obviously, I completely understand that and expected it to happen eventually but I feel quite sad that Christmas will never be the same again. This year she and the family are coming to us and Mum is doing the dinner. I really enjoyed going to Nan’s on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
MadameCamembert · 15/12/2023 18:44

I haven’t read the full thread but I actually do understand what you’re trying to say. You’re not sad that your Nan isn’t doing it anymore but you feel like it’s the end of an era and is making you conscious of your Nans mortality?

However, just be thankful you have your Nan here for Christmas. I’d love to see my Grandma in any capacity.

Lavender14 · 15/12/2023 19:13

mn29 · 15/12/2023 15:33

The problem is the lack of information in the post. Nan may be one of those “the kitchen is my domain/I love hosting big events” people who wouldn’t hear of anyone else hosting until now, even if they offered. Or maybe she just always hosted because it was the status quo and no one else said “would you like us to do Christmas dinner this year Nan as it’s a lot of work for you or would you prefer to do it like usual?” - it may have taken her a few years to pluck up the courage to tell the family that it’s too much for her now, if no one’s ever asked.
The OP doesn’t mention if anyone has ever offered or whether Nan has always insisted. In the absence of that information, the criticism of letting her do it up until now may or may not be justified. The fact that she had to tell her family that she wasn’t up to it of her own volition, indicates to me that it hadn’t really been a consideration for the rest of the family.

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People could also just ask the op for clarity before piling on...

Benibidibici · 15/12/2023 19:14

I can't believe your mother didn't take over at least 15 years ago.

My mother is 70, she's not done christmas dinner in about 8 years, she is hosted by me & sibling on alternate years.

mn29 · 15/12/2023 19:16

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 18:35

But why assume that’s what’s happening and be so horrible to the OP on the basis of that assumption?

Did you even think about the consequences of making these kinds of accusations when they aren’t true? Did you worry at all about how cruel it would be to denigrate someone so completely without knowing if there was any truth at all to your accusations?

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I’ve posted already the reasons why I think it’s more likely than not that no one else offered as that’s what the op implied, in my opinion. I’ve also said that it may or may not be the case - we don’t actually know. I’d like to know where I have been “horrible”, “cruel” and “denigrated someone so completely” though simply by saying it’s a possibility 🙄.

Yetanothernewname101 · 15/12/2023 19:21

We are gradually helping Granny more with cooking and things but it's a slow process as she's determined to still be as independent as possible. So I can see why yours was still having you all round up until last year, @Poinseis95 It sounds like a good compromise, you hosting, your mum being lead chef, and you all mucking in with the various things.

mn29 · 15/12/2023 19:22

Lavender14 · 15/12/2023 19:13

People could also just ask the op for clarity before piling on...

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At the beginning of the thread op was responding to several people but didn’t reply to those who asked why had they let her do it for so long. If she wanted to clarify that they did offer, she could have.

Cupcakekiller · 15/12/2023 19:47

You're 29 not 9. You should just be glad your grandma is still around at that age to enjoy it with. Give her a break.

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 20:06

mn29 · 15/12/2023 19:16

I’ve posted already the reasons why I think it’s more likely than not that no one else offered as that’s what the op implied, in my opinion. I’ve also said that it may or may not be the case - we don’t actually know. I’d like to know where I have been “horrible”, “cruel” and “denigrated someone so completely” though simply by saying it’s a possibility 🙄.

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You haven’t suggested it’s a possibility - you and 70 other people have decided it’s the absolute truth and treated OP appallingly as a result.

my final word on the subject is that this is, without a doubt, one of the worst and most unjustified pile-ons I’ve ever seen on mumsnet (which really is saying something when this is one of the nastiest sites on the internet!)

Flickersy · 15/12/2023 20:27

I understand OP. It's hard when beloved traditions change and you realise your loved ones are getting older.

Ignore the idiots on this thread who think you're just being lazy and want a skivvy.

The best thing you can do is focus on making your own new traditions.

Flickersy · 15/12/2023 20:30

Quote fail

Flickersy · 15/12/2023 20:30

tescocreditcard · 15/12/2023 13:08

Good god! You should have started doing that job 30 years ago.

I cannot believe you have let your nan do the job all this time.

OP is 29, how would that work exactly?

DaftyInTheMiddle · 15/12/2023 20:33

My great aunt usually hosts Boxing Day. For a few years we have all taken food as she’s been too wobbly to do it all. This year her home is no longer her home and she is in a care home 😔 there wasn’t many family that went so I suspect we won’t get together this year.

LlynTegid · 15/12/2023 20:43

You can understand and be sad at the same time. OP be glad your nan will be with you at Christmas even if it will be different.

Shadowsindarkplaces · 15/12/2023 20:44

My grandmother did it until my kids were little and we moved it to our house so our kids could be in their own house on Xmas day. But..she often did Sunday dinner until her mid 80s. She liked doing it, we pitched in, but she would have given us short shrift if we had said she was too old. My kids remember it fondly. DD complains she can't make food like Nanny did. She is in her 30s now, and Nanny died 13 years ago in her 90s. Treasure the memories OP.

rosyglowcondition · 15/12/2023 20:46

Good Lord. Poor old Nan. Cook her dinner and make sure she keeps her feet up the whole time.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 15/12/2023 20:56

Mariannas · 15/12/2023 12:07

what a selfish attitude

@Mariannas

Did you actually bother to read the OP's post??

@Poinseis95 of course YANBU

Its hard when traditions change & you have to face up to the reality of ageing & the reality of knowing you won't have your Nan forever 💔

different families have different ways of doing things. Ours had to change a lot due to life events. I still pine for the Christmases if my early childhood . 16 of us squished into my family home of the standard 3bd terrace built in the 60's. With even more family arriving in the early morning!!

ignore the posters who don't have a lively Nan/lively traditions/a comprehension level of a 4 year old!

try to create some new traditions to add to existing ones & keep Nan's glass topped up!

i hope your family has a lovely lovely Christmas!

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 15/12/2023 21:16

Let the old lass hang up her pinny OP. At 29 you should be getting the dinner on and clipping your Nan's toenails while the turkeys cooking.

80skid · 15/12/2023 21:23

It's the end of an era and indicative of your nab getting older. I can see why you're sad to say goodbye to your previous Christmas traditions. Hopefully you will start new ones this year and take pleasure in totally spoiling Nan. You can be sad to acknowledge that fun memories won't be repeated, but the key is to remember them together with fondness and enjoy the new celebrations too.
Happy Christmas. And I hope Nan has fun too

EvilElsa · 15/12/2023 22:19

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 20:06

You haven’t suggested it’s a possibility - you and 70 other people have decided it’s the absolute truth and treated OP appallingly as a result.

my final word on the subject is that this is, without a doubt, one of the worst and most unjustified pile-ons I’ve ever seen on mumsnet (which really is saying something when this is one of the nastiest sites on the internet!)

Show quote history

Agree. It's been deliberately misunderstood as well. I don't blame the OP for not coming back, from the responses on here you'd think she was the spawn of Satan, even though there is absolutely nothing in the original post to suggest that at all. People are positively gleeful about giving someone a good kicking on here sometimes, it's really weird. Especially considering the stuff the OP is being accused of here is totally invented in the responders head.

zingally · 16/12/2023 10:01

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 15/12/2023 18:25

If my family forced me to stop cooking one of my favourite meals of the year three years from now, I'd be incandescent. Mid-60s is no age at all!

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I can reassure you that my mum wasn't sad in the slightest. She's a reluctant cook, at best.

Americano75 · 16/12/2023 10:06

I get what you're saying op.

Make sure you make a big fuss of your lovely Nan, she'll probably be just as sad she's not able to do the hosting any more.

crumblingschools · 16/12/2023 10:07

Are there any men stepping up and doing their fair share?

Rainallnight · 16/12/2023 10:08

OP, in the kindest way, Christmases are going to change a lot in your lifetime. I remember being at the stage you are now and feeling sad, but it’ll help you if you begin to get your head round the cycle of life and how it plays out at Christmas.

Bigger changes will be ahead, so start to find ways to begin to be ok with it.

I hope you have a happy, different, Christmas.

savemytimezone · 16/12/2023 10:15

Rainallnight · 16/12/2023 10:08

OP, in the kindest way, Christmases are going to change a lot in your lifetime. I remember being at the stage you are now and feeling sad, but it’ll help you if you begin to get your head round the cycle of life and how it plays out at Christmas.

Bigger changes will be ahead, so start to find ways to begin to be ok with it.

I hope you have a happy, different, Christmas.

Well said.

I find that I have had to become quite philosophical in order to cope with how life is changing as I age.

Onelifeonly · 16/12/2023 10:24

You're not unreasonable to feel sad but did you really need to post about it? In the course of your life there will be many changes. Eating Christmas dinner at a different house with the same family members is not a cause for great sadness.

Is it more that you are worried about your grandmother's health maybe? It is sad to see loved ones diminish in health and die, but it's also the natural order of things.

I was lucky that my last surviving (and favourite) grandparent didn't die till I was late 30s and she was in her 90s, but she hadn't cooked Christmas for us in years by then, since her late 60s / early 70s, as my mother did it, with her help. We had moved to a larger house and she and my grandad had downsized to a smaller one, so they came to us.