To be sad my Nan can’t do Xmas dinner this year?

[Poinseis95]

I’m 29 and my Nan is 84 and this year she has said she can’t do Christmas dinner anymore as she doesn’t have the energy to do a huge dinner for the whole family because she’s too old. Obviously, I completely understand that and expected it to happen eventually but I feel quite sad that Christmas will never be the same again. This year she and the family are coming to us and Mum is doing the dinner. I really enjoyed going to Nan’s on Christmas Day.

I hope you can make new memories - involve her, ask her for her recipe secrets, get her to taste test, but also make sure she feels that she doesn't have to do too much. At the start of the meal you/a family member could raise a glass to her in a toast, thanking her for everything she's done every Christmas.

YANBU for feeling sad - it’s tough to say goodbye to old traditions, and natural to feel sad even when you understand.

Hopefully this will give you an opportunity to start creating some new traditions which will come to be just as cherished in time.

Some pretty horrible replies on this thread.
No one said Nan was forced to cook up until this year, perhaps she enjoyed it and wanted to keep the traditions too.
OP is upset because her Christmas will be different, and also because the change has come about because her Nan is getting old ... she hasn't expressed anger just upset.

It's ok to feel sad when our traditions are forced to change.

Ahh @Poinseis95 i get what you mean in that it’s sad when those “markers” come to an end. I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time. None of us knows your Nan - are might be a fierce matriarch who’d bite your head on for suggesting she should slow down (looking at you, DM). If however she’s been doing it under duress for years then YABU.

Would it not be better for someone else to do tbt cooking at your Nans?

Rather than her having to leave her home when Christmas has been there every year

Someone should have taken over form your Nan years ago!!

I think that's amazing she did it for so long, make sure you toast her on Christmas Day

🤣🤣😭

Lots of the replies here assume that OP's nan must have been doing this work under duress because they wouldn't want to do it themselves. It's depressing that work like entertaining and hostessing is seen as "skivvying", with no room made for the possibility that some women enjoy and take pride in that work.

I love to cook for a crowd, and I hope I'm still able to do it well into my 80s if I am lucky enough to get that far.

So typical of mumsnet. Some posters absolutely revel in assuming the worst possible interpretation and then being horrible to an OP for a scenario that doesn’t actually exist. Those posters would be absolutely distraught if people in real life assumed the absolute worst intentions and put the worst possible spin on everything they did.

This is why you should mix up what you do at Christmas from year to year. So no-one gets upset when people get married/divorced/old and Christmas inevitably changes.

OP I have to say I'm quite shocked everyone has let her cook for the past 5 years or so. People in their 80s really shouldn't need to be hosting large groups! It's best to have a slow transition I think. So for the past few years my in-laws or parents have hosted and DH and I/our siblings have taken over more and more of the cooking so that eventually we will be able to take over the whole thing ourselves (our parents are late 60s/early 70s). By the time they are 75 I just want them coming over and putting their feet up with a glass of wine! Think my mum will always want to make the christmas cake but that's something she does in her own time weeks in advance and can be done at her own pace.

Of course, yanbu to be sad - it is hard when traditions change. But you can create new family traditions too, and enjoy involving your gran in these.

There’s also a lot of ageism on this thread, assuming OP’s Nan has been meekly coerced by her family into doing something she’s too tired to cope with.

Not all 84 year olds are the same. My Granddad’s wife is 87 and in astonishing health. She plays a round of golf every day and is head of her parish council. She hosts Christmas for her 2 sons and their families every year (often with a branch of my family there too) entirely on her own invitation and initiative. If she ever wanted to step down people would be very understanding, as is OP, but she is very clearly choosing to continue at present despite being nearly ninety.

My nan is very similar. In her eighties but she absolutely insists on still hosting.

What we have all agreed as a compromise is that family all turn up at different points in the week before and do all the prep.

Nan then sits in the kitchen on Christmas morning and directs everything (generally with a sherry in hand). Family does the actual cooking and skivvying. Nan loves her role on Christmas morning and everything is done on her instruction, to her sign off.

The family clears up afterwards whilst she puts her feet up.

I think she'd find it very hard to "hand over" Christmas. We all live so far away from each other, she lives alone and whilst we visit through the year, it's the only week where everyone is all in the same house. It probably reminds her of when she had a busy bustling family.

It's hardly slave labour.

It’s ok to be sad but things have to change from time to time. She’ll still be with you at Xmas!

However, be aware your gran might have been wanting this for a while and not really known how to say it, so go easy on expressing disappointment etc.

Exactly. Letting go of childhood things like this is a sad feeling. It doesn't seem very pleasant to berate the OP.

You're the grown ups now. Time to do your part.

Growing up and things being not the same as when you were younger is sad ( I think that's what you're getting at?)

It is sad when traditions change. I agree that others are being ageist. We have an 87 year old in our family who insists on doing Sunday dinners & Xmas dinner. She enjoys it. We all help of course, but not everyone in their 80’s is frail and incapable.

That must have been hard for you, but it's hardly relevant to how the OP feels.

Your Nan has done well to get that far!

I understand you must feel sad. Christmas is often centred around tradition and familiarity. Plus, seeing your Nan step down reminds you that everyone is getting older and even the people around the dinner table, well they won't always be there in the future either.

Tradition is lovely, but when people are involved it cannot stay the same. Things are changing around us all the time, including ourselves. There is no way to preserve that forever.

So you are bound to feel a little wistful at this major change. I understand.

I can’t believe last year you’d have made an 83 year old cook! I’m glad your nan has stood up for herself

do you think they had her handcuffed to the stove? Can't believe how dumb some people are. She obviously enjoyed doing it for her family.

I cooked my first Christmas diner at age 14. In now 44 and tbh I'm looking forward to letting my eldest daughter and her DH take over. It's a HUGE effort for me, the planning, the prep, the actual day, the clean up. And I don't do it all alone, I outsource quite a bit to my 4 kids and DH. I can't even imagine going for another 40 years. Especially not when I outsource it to my kids so they can learn how to do it themselves in the future.

Wow I can't believe you and your family have expected you Nan to cook Xmas Dinner when she is 84! Christ what a selfish family. My grandparents lived 5hrs away, we went to them and we did everything, we never expected them to do a thing. It was our time to look after them.
Awful attitude

Some people retain amazing health into their 80s. My MIL is a powerhouse, much fitter than me and she’s 86!