Page 7 | To be sad my Nan can’t do Xmas dinner this year?

Poinseis95 · 2023-12-15T11:56:42+00:00

I’m 29 and my Nan is 84 and this year she has said she can’t do Christmas dinner anymore as she doesn’t have the energy to do a huge dinner for the whole family because she’s too old. Obviously, I completely understand that and expected it to happen eventually but I feel quite sad that Christmas will never be the same again. This year she and the family are coming to us and Mum is doing the dinner. I really enjoyed going to Nan’s on Christmas Day.

snowlady4 · 15/12/2023 14:31

I thought you meant she couldn't physically come to dinner or maybe couldn't eat due to illness! Not that she couldn't cook for a crowd!
I'm not surprised she's asking someone else to do the work... she did amazing doing it into her 80s!- I certainly wouldn't be!
Enjoy your nan and spoil her why you can!

TossieFleacake · 15/12/2023 14:33

Stop berating the OP.

Stop assuming that her Nan is a decrepit, shell of an old woman.

Stop assuming that OP and her family have lazed around on Christmas day, doing fuck all to help.

Stop assuming that Nan has hated cooking for the last 20 years and has not been able to speak up.

Just read the OPs first post again and show some fucking empathy.

This thread has brought the very worst of mumsnet out in droves.

Flamesatmytoes · 15/12/2023 14:33

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 15/12/2023 14:10

Agreed. Look at David Attenborough! 97 and still going strong. Michael Caine - slacker's just retired at the ridiculously young age of 90!

My mum's 91. When I go up to stay with her she won't let me take over the cooking. On the odd occasion I do manage to get permission to do something, she hovers over me, chops things, gets things out, etc etc. After all, I am only 62 ... My Mum would be perfectly capable of cooking a pared down Christmas dinner using ready-made roast potatoes, turkey crown and a few other short cuts. (I do wash up, but she dries. And puts away. And wipes down the hob.)

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Use it or lose it I say.

My 80 year old mother is still running around. Sweeping the floor, loading the dishwasher, cleaning up, helping out. The only concession was she let me carry her suit case up 2 flights of stairs, but she doesn't travel lightly.

I'm looking forward to cooking Xmas dinner for as long as anyone will let me!

pinkspeakers · 15/12/2023 14:33

Sorry, my last message about my mum dying in her 60s wasn't supposed to be one of those awful "you should be grateful she is still here" type messages. It was just a train of thought about my mum and cooking Xmas dinner.

brokenbitbybit · 15/12/2023 14:34

I'd give anything to spend Christmas with my Granny again 😢 wouldn't even care about a dinner

cigarettesNalcohol · 15/12/2023 14:39

As an adult grandchild, consider yourself lucky to still have your nan around

Dontcallmescarface · 15/12/2023 14:49

My mum cooked her last Christmas dinner at the age of 79. Every year we'd ask if we could do anything to help and every year we'd get the same answer "no, now get out of my kitchen the lot of you!" She would probably have a few choice words to say to anybody who thought that she should be just sat in a chair drinking Bailey's (or in her case, gin), just because she was a certain age so "past it".

Octowussy · 15/12/2023 14:55

EvilElsa · 15/12/2023 14:16

It's deliberate. People love a pile on.
It's gone from the OP being a bit sad to people being convinced the poor little old granny has been in some kind of gulag where her table of adult children cackle as she limps in with endless courses of food. Everyone knows what the OP meant really.

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Yes, usually if the first few replies are catty then that's usually how the rest of the thread goes and OP feels too sad to reply to anyone

ComputerIsSayingNo · 15/12/2023 15:01

Poinseis95 · 15/12/2023 12:06

@mottytotty Yeah we do. Who does it in your family then?

I also read this as quite sexiest that it’s the females job. My DH does it mainly, or my DB or my uncle. The men in our family seem to do the cooking/enjoy it more.

booksandbrooks · 15/12/2023 15:03

Wow half other people on here are no fun at all.

Plenty of people refuse to give up the chefs role even when it's clear it's getting too much. Kindly meant offers to help or reminders that it was tiring last time are met with threats of disinheritance round our ways.

Change is often hard.

2jacqi · 15/12/2023 15:07

@Poinseis95 you are only 29 so why dont you do the christmas dinner then?????

mn29 · 15/12/2023 15:33

TossieFleacake · 15/12/2023 14:33

Stop berating the OP.

Stop assuming that her Nan is a decrepit, shell of an old woman.

Stop assuming that OP and her family have lazed around on Christmas day, doing fuck all to help.

Stop assuming that Nan has hated cooking for the last 20 years and has not been able to speak up.

Just read the OPs first post again and show some fucking empathy.

This thread has brought the very worst of mumsnet out in droves.

The problem is the lack of information in the post. Nan may be one of those “the kitchen is my domain/I love hosting big events” people who wouldn’t hear of anyone else hosting until now, even if they offered. Or maybe she just always hosted because it was the status quo and no one else said “would you like us to do Christmas dinner this year Nan as it’s a lot of work for you or would you prefer to do it like usual?” - it may have taken her a few years to pluck up the courage to tell the family that it’s too much for her now, if no one’s ever asked.
The OP doesn’t mention if anyone has ever offered or whether Nan has always insisted. In the absence of that information, the criticism of letting her do it up until now may or may not be justified. The fact that she had to tell her family that she wasn’t up to it of her own volition, indicates to me that it hadn’t really been a consideration for the rest of the family.

Katiesaidthat · 15/12/2023 15:42

I totally understand you. My mum cooked Christmas dinner for the last time in 2021, she was 76. She loved that day and cooking with her sis and us chopping up vegetables and doing the shopping. It was a lovely family day. Last year we noticed the first symptoms of some form of dementia, so I took over. It is life. But it is nonetheless sad when you start to realise change is relentless and your loved ones are getting a lot older. I am making new traditions now, mum will help as she can and we shall have our special day. You are also only 29, I´m 49, so it´s not my gran I´m losing, but my mum.

TossieFleacake · 15/12/2023 16:15

mn29 · 15/12/2023 15:33

The problem is the lack of information in the post. Nan may be one of those “the kitchen is my domain/I love hosting big events” people who wouldn’t hear of anyone else hosting until now, even if they offered. Or maybe she just always hosted because it was the status quo and no one else said “would you like us to do Christmas dinner this year Nan as it’s a lot of work for you or would you prefer to do it like usual?” - it may have taken her a few years to pluck up the courage to tell the family that it’s too much for her now, if no one’s ever asked.
The OP doesn’t mention if anyone has ever offered or whether Nan has always insisted. In the absence of that information, the criticism of letting her do it up until now may or may not be justified. The fact that she had to tell her family that she wasn’t up to it of her own volition, indicates to me that it hadn’t really been a consideration for the rest of the family.

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You make a valid point.
I guess all comments are based on making an assumption about the OP.

I will stick to assuming the best of people tho, rather than assuming the worst.

Lollypop701 · 15/12/2023 16:16

This thread!!!! I’m quite looking forward to sitting in the kitchen with an alcoholic drink (baileys, gin or champagne but def not sherry) telling everyone what to do… might get a walking stick as a prop to swipe at whoever is ‘doing it wrong’ . I’m 50 ish, am I too young for this yet? Don’t think I can wait till my 80’s … will see what the con census is in here as to the age when I should be banned from cooking Christmas dinner (even if I want to) .

littlegrebe · 15/12/2023 16:19

@mn29 You have to assume the OP is a proper scumbag to reach some of the conclusions on this thread though. Why would you jump straight to that in the absence of any positive evidence?

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 16:21

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 13:53

Which is great.

But the OP's grandmother clearly doesn't have this level of stamina. And that's unlikely to have only become apparent in the last few months.

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Rubbish. It’s not at all unusual for a person’s strength and stamina to rapidly decline once they’re in their 80s. You could go from very fit and well to very tired in well under a year.

OP says last year nan did the cooking but she felt tired after it, which is why she’s decided to step back. What is it about that very plausible timeline makes you so adamant that she’s been exhausted for years but only just worked up the courage to say so?

It’s bizarre to me that you can acknowledge that many women are fit and well into their 80s and yet at the same time be so absolutely convinced that OP’s Nan isn’t one of them, and has been taken advantage of! As though you, a perfect stranger, has better insight than OP, who actually knows her grandmother and clearly cares about her. Bonkers, truly bonkers, the pretzels some posters will tie themselves into in order to be horrible to an OP.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 16:34

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 16:21

Rubbish. It’s not at all unusual for a person’s strength and stamina to rapidly decline once they’re in their 80s. You could go from very fit and well to very tired in well under a year.

OP says last year nan did the cooking but she felt tired after it, which is why she’s decided to step back. What is it about that very plausible timeline makes you so adamant that she’s been exhausted for years but only just worked up the courage to say so?

It’s bizarre to me that you can acknowledge that many women are fit and well into their 80s and yet at the same time be so absolutely convinced that OP’s Nan isn’t one of them, and has been taken advantage of! As though you, a perfect stranger, has better insight than OP, who actually knows her grandmother and clearly cares about her. Bonkers, truly bonkers, the pretzels some posters will tie themselves into in order to be horrible to an OP.

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What an impassioned post.

I just find it difficult to believe that an 84 year old suddenly came to the realisation that she's no longer able for the task of cooking Christmas dinner. Far more likely is that she's felt it coming on for a few years, but none of her family picked up on it, so she's had to spell it out to them.

You seem to have taken this very personally. I wonder why.

I come from the kind of family where at a certain point, other family members people start to help out. My mum cooked the Christmas dinner for years, then I began helping with elements of it and then a few years ago my brother and I took over. That's normal to me.

We certainly didn't wait for her to say 'I can't do this anymore'.

mn29 · 15/12/2023 16:37

littlegrebe · 15/12/2023 16:19

@mn29 You have to assume the OP is a proper scumbag to reach some of the conclusions on this thread though. Why would you jump straight to that in the absence of any positive evidence?

As I mentioned, the wording of the post indicates to me that no one had offered to take it off her her hands previously. This may or may not be the case. Near the start of the thread the op posted a few replies, none of which responded to people questioning why they’d let her do it this long - op could’ve replied that they’d offered but Nan wanted to do it. So my conclusion is that they let her go on doing it without offering for someone else to take over though I’m happy for the OP to correct me. Agree there’s no need for people to be rude or harsh but clearly plenty of people read the same implication that I did.

zingally · 15/12/2023 16:38

I'm a little bit surprised that you were very content to let an 84 year old shoulder the load.
We "retired" my mum from it in her mid-60s!

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 16:42

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 16:34

What an impassioned post.

I just find it difficult to believe that an 84 year old suddenly came to the realisation that she's no longer able for the task of cooking Christmas dinner. Far more likely is that she's felt it coming on for a few years, but none of her family picked up on it, so she's had to spell it out to them.

You seem to have taken this very personally. I wonder why.

I come from the kind of family where at a certain point, other family members people start to help out. My mum cooked the Christmas dinner for years, then I began helping with elements of it and then a few years ago my brother and I took over. That's normal to me.

We certainly didn't wait for her to say 'I can't do this anymore'.

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Nothing personal on my part, I’ve hosted Christmas for years and my own grandparents are all dead aside from the aforementioned granddad whose wife hosts her side (but not me) every year very happily despite her advanced years.

Your snide suggestion that I am overly ‘impassioned’ and must, therefore, have some kind of weird vested interest is just a silly straw man.

Maybe this is OP’s Nan at the start of ‘feeling it coming on’. Maybe she feels she could carry on for another couple of years but instead is taking the bull by the horns and stepping back now that she’s getting a bit tired.

It’s just such a weird assumption on your part that she’s been secretly miserable for ages and just not said something. Most families don’t struggle to communicate in that way! Most people wouldn’t feel any need to slave away miserably for years, dropping hints, instead of just saying how they feel!

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 16:47

It’s just such a weird assumption on your part that she’s been secretly miserable for ages and just not said something. Most families don’t struggle to communicate in that way! Most people wouldn’t feel any need to slave away miserably for years, dropping hints, instead of just saying how they feel!

You sound so naïve.

Ploctopus · 15/12/2023 16:52

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 15/12/2023 16:47

It’s just such a weird assumption on your part that she’s been secretly miserable for ages and just not said something. Most families don’t struggle to communicate in that way! Most people wouldn’t feel any need to slave away miserably for years, dropping hints, instead of just saying how they feel!

You sound so naïve.

Perhaps. Perhaps I’m speaking from a place of privilege because I have a very loving and emotionally healthy family where people feel safe to communicate their feelings without fear of recrimination.

But perhaps you should assume that it is, at least, a possibility that OP’s family is the same, instead of assuming the absolute worst and joining a terrible pile-on?

hellsBells246 · 15/12/2023 16:52

My mum stopped at 70 and my sister and I take turns now! Your poor nan.

Mojodojocasahaus · 15/12/2023 16:56

Make sure you sit her down and get all her recipes my granny took her mince pie recipe to the grave