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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 17/12/2023 15:40

Glad your DH has made it clear about if they want to see him on Christmas day there will need to be no dogs and a deep clean.

Do they not believe you have allergies?

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:41

What's interesting about this thread is the complete lack of acknowledgement that the children have wider family. I have plenty of relatives I dislike, find awkward etc but I put up with difficulties as it is important our children see their wider family especially at important times where other families get together. There is a lot of selfishness coming across in reponses. It is generally in children's interest to mix with their extended family.

JassyRadlett · 17/12/2023 15:42

GrannyRose15 · 17/12/2023 15:20

Quite understandable from MILs point of view.

Show quote history

Only if that point of view doesn't give a shit about either the wellbeing of her DIL and one of her grandchildren, or about her son being with his own wife and kids on Christmas Day.

I don't find that terribly understandable, myself. But then my MIL isn't a self-centred nightmare.

JassyRadlett · 17/12/2023 15:43

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:41

What's interesting about this thread is the complete lack of acknowledgement that the children have wider family. I have plenty of relatives I dislike, find awkward etc but I put up with difficulties as it is important our children see their wider family especially at important times where other families get together. There is a lot of selfishness coming across in reponses. It is generally in children's interest to mix with their extended family.

Do those "difficulties" include not being able to breathe?

GrannyRose15 · 17/12/2023 15:44

People are allowed to have dogs. Why should MIL deny herself the pleasure of having a dog in her old age because of her DIL. It is not as easy as some people think to put a dog in kennels or keep them out of the house when visitors are present. I have an ideal solution. Insist that MIL and all her family come to you next Christmas. That will give her whole year to work out what to do with the dog. And she will be forever in OPs debt for taking on the mantle of. Christmas host.

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:45

Well I am assuming the OP isn't housebound and has a fairly normal life. If so she will come in contact with several dogs/dog hair throughout the day and therefore I doubt her allergy includes not being able to breathe! There are many dogs about not just at her MIL and they are pretty hard to avoid in normal day to day life!

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:46

As I have said before if guests have animal allergies I separate the pets from the guest and ensure furniture etc hoovered. Not diffficult.

phoenixrosehere · 17/12/2023 15:50

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:41

What's interesting about this thread is the complete lack of acknowledgement that the children have wider family. I have plenty of relatives I dislike, find awkward etc but I put up with difficulties as it is important our children see their wider family especially at important times where other families get together. There is a lot of selfishness coming across in reponses. It is generally in children's interest to mix with their extended family.

It has been pointed out that OP and one of her children are allergic to dogs. Since her DH’s family refuse to visit because they can’t bring their dogs, what else can be done other than go to dog-free places which from the way things read, the in-laws will likely not be up to doing either.

Their allergies won’t change nor should OP risk herself and her child’s health to appease them.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 17/12/2023 15:53

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:41

What's interesting about this thread is the complete lack of acknowledgement that the children have wider family. I have plenty of relatives I dislike, find awkward etc but I put up with difficulties as it is important our children see their wider family especially at important times where other families get together. There is a lot of selfishness coming across in reponses. It is generally in children's interest to mix with their extended family.

That depends a great deal on the family.

In any case, if you had read the OP's posts, which is is clear you have not believed if you have bothered to read them, you would know that her children see the other members of the family during the rest of the year. They just don't see them in a house which makes her and one of her children physically ill.

("I love to see Granny! Its just that I always end up being sick on her settee, and then she is cross with me.")

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:54

Many people you come across in day to day living will be covered in dog hair be that queing for a coffee, at work, getting petrol. To pretend that the allergy is severe that simple separation of the pets and general hoovering/cleanliness won't solve this issue is being disingenuous. I don't doubt there are a minority of people with extreme allergies but they are not living normal lives. Many many people have standard allergies to many things they don't curtail their day to day living or their families!

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:58

Turn this into a standard family dispute of I'd rather they came to me or rather not see them at Christmas at all and that's fine, happening all over the UK, but don't seek sympathy over some exaggerated health issue it's ridiculous.

phoenixrosehere · 17/12/2023 16:02

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:54

Many people you come across in day to day living will be covered in dog hair be that queing for a coffee, at work, getting petrol. To pretend that the allergy is severe that simple separation of the pets and general hoovering/cleanliness won't solve this issue is being disingenuous. I don't doubt there are a minority of people with extreme allergies but they are not living normal lives. Many many people have standard allergies to many things they don't curtail their day to day living or their families!

To pretend that the allergy is severe that simple separation of the pets and general hoovering/cleanliness won't solve this issue is being disingenuous.

That onus is on her in-laws though and considering how dismissive they are of her allergies, what makes you think they will go out of their way to do that nor have they offered to do so or to keep the dogs in a separate area from what OP has posted?

BusyMummyWrites · 17/12/2023 16:14

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:45

Well I am assuming the OP isn't housebound and has a fairly normal life. If so she will come in contact with several dogs/dog hair throughout the day and therefore I doubt her allergy includes not being able to breathe! There are many dogs about not just at her MIL and they are pretty hard to avoid in normal day to day life!

Yet another comment that shows the poster has no understanding of allergies/allergic asthma. I go about the world in the knowledge I will encounter people with guinea pigs. I even go to pets-at-home to buy dogfood and walk past the small animal pens. However, whenever I cleaned out our guinea pigs’s pen I ended up with the paramedics sitting in my lounge until the small hours with oxygen and counting the inhaler puffs on a 15 minute cycle or, occasionally, hospitalised. We rehomed the Guinea pigs. There is a distinct difference between a small or passing encounter and being in a dangerously allergen-dense and enclosed environment for hours on end (or even just for the 10 mins it takes to clean a GP pen). My husband is similarly afflicted by cats - an evening in a house with cats and he can end up unable to breathe for several days or hospitalised - but he can still stop and pet a cat on his walk to work, so long as he washes his hands afterwards.

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 16:15

As I have said before if guests have animal allergies I separate the pets from the guest and ensure furniture etc hoovered. Not diffficult.

Fabulous.

Don't think MiL and family sound as if they are about to do that.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 17/12/2023 16:16

"General hoovering" will not necessarily solve anything. Dander goes straight through an ordinary hoover, which merely spreads it around the room a bit in the air before it settles back into the carpet. In order to get rid of it, you need a specialist hoover with very much finer filters than yer standard machine has. I don't feel confident that MiL has a HEPA hoover: she doesn't need one herself, and clearly doesn't really believe that OP has a serious allergy, so why would she have shelled out extra?

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 16:17

Many people you come across in day to day living will be covered in dog hair be that queing for a coffee, at work, getting petrol. To pretend that the allergy is severe that simple separation of the pets and general hoovering/cleanliness won't solve this issue is being disingenuous.

How do YOU know all that?

NoTouch · 17/12/2023 16:18

As a dog lover I would say YANBU, no way would I be spending Christmas exposing myself to an allergen that made me feel so unwell.

The way my dh would deal with it is keep it factual. The dogs are a health issue for you, and being with his wife and dc on Christmas day is his priority. He completely understands it is disappointing for her plans and you all wish it was different but it is what it is and neither is negotiable and he will not discuss further.

Say you would all love to meet but it will need to be outside their home or at yours without the dogs, or dh can visit alone on another date that suits them both.

BusyMummyWrites · 17/12/2023 16:22

sunglassesonthetable · 17/12/2023 16:17

Many people you come across in day to day living will be covered in dog hair be that queing for a coffee, at work, getting petrol. To pretend that the allergy is severe that simple separation of the pets and general hoovering/cleanliness won't solve this issue is being disingenuous.

How do YOU know all that?

See above post - it is not an allergy in response to the odd stray dog hair… it’s to do with allergens that build up and become concentrated in an enclosed environment. Often saliva and dander is where the allergens are, so you need to be in the pets home environment to trigger it.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 17/12/2023 16:24

It all does bring us back round to a very basic question about hospitality: when somebody has been invited to another person's house, whose welfare should be more important: that of the host, or that of the guest?

I personally feel that the onus is on the host to make the guest feel comfortable, not on the guest to pander to the host. If the host makes the guest unsafe and expects the guest to suck it up, that is being a bad host.

So that would be the end of this discussion, as far as I am concerned: the host in this case clearly doesn't give a stuff about the comfort of her guests, so she's a lousy host and they need feel no obligation to pander to her by being present.

BeenThereDoneThatGotTheTshirt89 · 17/12/2023 18:02

Take an anti allergy tablet. I"m severely allergic to certain dander. However I take medication before going to those with those dogs.

With the phobia you need to make seek some help, 10 years not spending with family is hard. Can they not keep the dogs in another part of the house for you you while you are there?

Anisette · 17/12/2023 18:09

BeenThereDoneThatGotTheTshirt89 · 17/12/2023 18:02

Take an anti allergy tablet. I"m severely allergic to certain dander. However I take medication before going to those with those dogs.

With the phobia you need to make seek some help, 10 years not spending with family is hard. Can they not keep the dogs in another part of the house for you you while you are there?

An "anti-allergy" tablet won't be enough for a severe allergy when she's n a house full of dog hairs. Self-evidently she's not going to get over the phobia within the next week.

Nipsmum · 17/12/2023 18:10

Don't let mil tell you what to do. Stick to saying no of your husband agrees with you. Don't be bullied.

AuntMarch · 17/12/2023 18:19

It's been 10 years, at this point the tradition is you guys not going. You are not being unreasonable, and nor have you been any other year.
You've offered an alternative, it's on them if they aren't willing to accept it.

RedToothBrush · 17/12/2023 18:20

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:41

What's interesting about this thread is the complete lack of acknowledgement that the children have wider family. I have plenty of relatives I dislike, find awkward etc but I put up with difficulties as it is important our children see their wider family especially at important times where other families get together. There is a lot of selfishness coming across in reponses. It is generally in children's interest to mix with their extended family.

MIL is capable of going to her son's house. She doesn't want to. Cos big Christmas at her house and to hell with those with allergies.

Yeah ok... I can go with the utterly selfish angle.

BeenThereDoneThatGotTheTshirt89 · 17/12/2023 18:21

Not true, I have a severe allergy to certain dogs, I have prescribed medication that I take before going to their houses, so I know what I am taking about. In regards to the phobia it's not going to be solved in a week but it's been 10 years, been plenty of time to seek help. Christmas is same time every year, not as if she didn't know it was coming.

Is she planning to decline for the rest of their lives? Maybe family is getting fed up with it.