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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

586 replies

Onesidedagain · 15/12/2023 11:37

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 17/12/2023 23:25

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:45

Well I am assuming the OP isn't housebound and has a fairly normal life. If so she will come in contact with several dogs/dog hair throughout the day and therefore I doubt her allergy includes not being able to breathe! There are many dogs about not just at her MIL and they are pretty hard to avoid in normal day to day life!

Have you... have you actually bothered to read her posts?

Do you understand what asthma is, and what it can do?

Reidie · 18/12/2023 05:27

I read them all . Her behaviour is irrational she obviously has an issue with her DH husbands family . She knows she’s being unreasonable or she would t be asking the question . She should make a bigger effort to meet the family half way . 10 years is utter selfishness . Maybe my response stems from a life time of compromise and making everyone happy . That’s just the way I was made . So keep your opinion to yourself you know nothing. Have a nice Christmas

pikkumyy77 · 18/12/2023 06:13

Reidie · 18/12/2023 05:27

I read them all . Her behaviour is irrational she obviously has an issue with her DH husbands family . She knows she’s being unreasonable or she would t be asking the question . She should make a bigger effort to meet the family half way . 10 years is utter selfishness . Maybe my response stems from a life time of compromise and making everyone happy . That’s just the way I was made . So keep your opinion to yourself you know nothing. Have a nice Christmas

Maybe you should learn from the OP that you should try to spend some time making yourself happy. At any rate if you can’t do that you can free up some me time by being less judgmental about someone elses’s life choices. Not everyone was put on this earth to be a doormat.

mollyminniemo · 18/12/2023 06:14

Even if people aren’t allergic to dogs being in a house or more than 2 dogs can be very full on/ annoying/ smelly for non dog owners especially on what should be a very special
occasion. YANBU.

Reidie · 18/12/2023 06:30

I’m happy when my loved ones are happy . Simple as . We all have to put up with situations that aren’t ideal that’s life we go through it making the best of everything and finding the positive in everything rather than mothering about having to spend time with people and a few dogs . We will have to agree to differ 🤓

sunglassesonthetable · 18/12/2023 06:34

She should make a bigger effort to meet the half way . 10 years is utter selfishness .

What like invite them over to her house?

oh wait....

decionsdecisions62 · 18/12/2023 06:44

Nah! If they want to be inclusive then given your medical issues they shut put their dogs in kennels. You have a right not to suffer at Xmas.

JassyRadlett · 18/12/2023 07:57

Reidie · 18/12/2023 05:27

I read them all . Her behaviour is irrational she obviously has an issue with her DH husbands family . She knows she’s being unreasonable or she would t be asking the question . She should make a bigger effort to meet the family half way . 10 years is utter selfishness . Maybe my response stems from a life time of compromise and making everyone happy . That’s just the way I was made . So keep your opinion to yourself you know nothing. Have a nice Christmas

So what does "meet half way" look like, assuming it doesn't mean risking her health or her child's health?

Littlegoth · 18/12/2023 08:31

Reidie · 18/12/2023 05:27

I read them all . Her behaviour is irrational she obviously has an issue with her DH husbands family . She knows she’s being unreasonable or she would t be asking the question . She should make a bigger effort to meet the family half way . 10 years is utter selfishness . Maybe my response stems from a life time of compromise and making everyone happy . That’s just the way I was made . So keep your opinion to yourself you know nothing. Have a nice Christmas

Looks like MIL found the thread.

Sodndashitall · 18/12/2023 08:49

Onesidedagain · 17/12/2023 12:33

I did hear dh say ‘the only way it would be a possibility would be if everyone put their dogs in kennels or with a dog sitter over Xmas and you get the house deep cleaned ‘ and that was pretty much the call over then

Show quote history

Well seems like DH has your back which is good.
Ultimately leave this to him
Forget the phobia, you have allergies and they are quite severe. So YANBU to want to not have asthma and allergy reaction on Xmas day. End of story. The phobia point is not really relevant.

Boobbrain · 18/12/2023 10:06

There is a whole spectrum of allergies and how it impacts people. A tablet would not be enough for my son who has a severe allergy to peanuts. He has to carry 2x epi pens, inhaler, mask and antihistamines.
My brother in law has awful hayfever and has multiple inhalers and antihistamines.
Drugs have side effects.
Have you considered how the phobia could be linked to the allergy? My son gets very anxious at events where people are eating foods that aren't safe for him to eat because he doesn't know if he will react, how bad that reaction will be or if he will end up in hospital.
Allergies are serious but sadly TV and films make it out to be just a bit of annoying sneezing.

OP I wish you well, you have tried to involve them in festivities and invited them to see you in a safe way and they have declined to meet you half way so that you can spend some time together and celebrate. I'm sorry they do not understand your allergy but it's good your dh does and is happy to see you safe.

Goldiemummy · 18/12/2023 11:09

Seriously? They're a family unit. They want to be together.

Goldiemummy · 18/12/2023 11:13

#CalistoNoSolo
Seriously? They're a family unit and they want to be together.

SummerPeach · 18/12/2023 12:23

mollyminniemo · 18/12/2023 06:14

Even if people aren’t allergic to dogs being in a house or more than 2 dogs can be very full on/ annoying/ smelly for non dog owners especially on what should be a very special
occasion. YANBU.

Correct. Not all people adore dogs. And that doesn’t require any explanation.

SummerPeach · 18/12/2023 12:25

Reidie · 18/12/2023 06:30

I’m happy when my loved ones are happy . Simple as . We all have to put up with situations that aren’t ideal that’s life we go through it making the best of everything and finding the positive in everything rather than mothering about having to spend time with people and a few dogs . We will have to agree to differ 🤓

You’re happy when your loved ones are happy. Exactly. Therefore if you love your grandkids and daughter and law and your son, you wouldn’t dream of forcing them into a situation which makes them all feel unwell or uncomfortable.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/12/2023 12:34

Onesidedagain · 17/12/2023 12:28

After a phone call last night from FIL to dh where he explained how upset MIL is dh asked outright ‘is someone ill?’ To be told no. The issue is that they will be downsizing next year and MIL just wants to see everyone together on Christmas Day for the last time in the house.

It's not your place to fix that issue for her though.

She is welcome to visit you - without her dogs - if she really wanted to see you all.

She doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to put herself out over Christmas to do that so there you have your answer.

LakieLady · 18/12/2023 13:10

MrsSlocombesCat · 15/12/2023 12:28

I also have a phobia of dogs and I don’t think anyone should be obliged to have treatment. I don’t want to overcome my phobia because I don’t want to be around dogs. It’s not like a phobia of spiders, dogs can hurt you and be aggressive which is what caused my phobia in the first place. As the OP is also allergic why should she have to overcome the phobia? It doesn’t make any sense.

Show quote history

If I was dog phobic, now that dogs seem to be around a lot more, eg in pubs, on public transport, shops etc, I would be inclined to get treatment if I could.

I used to be badly bird phobic, so much so that I once fainted on unexpectedly encountering a macaw in a shop. I used to have to cross the road if there was a pigeon on the pavement, couldn't have a picnic in a park or a meal in a pub garden and once had to get an Asda security guard to chase a seagull off the roof of my car so I could get in it. When it got to the point that I feared I might have to give up driving, because the urge to duck and cover my face if a bird flew towards the windscreen was becoming almost impossible to resist, my GP referred me for therapy.

Six sessions of CBT was all it took to reduce it to a manageable level, although I'd still be reluctant to visit a house where they had a bird flying loose. And I didn't realise how stressful constantly being hyper-vigilant when out and about had got until wasn't like it any more.

I'd recommend it to anyone who's seriously phobic about anything relatively commonplace.

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 18/12/2023 13:38

Reidie · 17/12/2023 13:25

You are being unreasonable . Take an antihistamine and get over yourself . Dogs are family 🎄

What the actual fuck? OP isn't just inconvenienced by her allergies, they could make her extremely ill or even worse. She's phobic because of her allergies- it's her body protecting itself. As it is, the smallest trace could give her massive reactions, not always alleviated by an antihistamine tablet. This is a major issue.
I'm glad your DH is in your corner for this, OP

Scotland32 · 18/12/2023 18:14

Allergy - YANBU (but you can take medication on the day surely?)
‘Phobia’ - YABU (especially to pass this onto your children - you can easily get help to get over this)
Disliking the smell of dogs - YABU (no need to stick your nose on them. I have only ever been to one doggy house that smells bad)

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 18/12/2023 19:01

You can take medication for a day. And so can one of your children.

And if it doesn't work, as for many people it doesn't, well, you can just have a super Christmas rushing your child (who suffers from the same allergy) into hospital for emergency treatment. Won't that be jolly fun!

wysen · 18/12/2023 20:59

You are being unreasonable . Take an antihistamine and get over yourself . Dogs are family

I'm utterly shocked and appalled by some of the ignorant comments on this thread, such as the one above. What is it about posting anonymously that brings out pure nastiness in people?

Some of these comments are spiteful, rude, and totally uncalled for.
The OP has an allergy to dogs that could potentially be really serious. She's not being a "princess"
Honestly I despair

maddiemookins16mum · 18/12/2023 21:47

CalistoNoSolo · 15/12/2023 11:39

Why can't he go on his own?

Meanwhile back in the real world…….

Ewock · 18/12/2023 21:50

Oaktree55 · 17/12/2023 15:45

Well I am assuming the OP isn't housebound and has a fairly normal life. If so she will come in contact with several dogs/dog hair throughout the day and therefore I doubt her allergy includes not being able to breathe! There are many dogs about not just at her MIL and they are pretty hard to avoid in normal day to day life!

My dad has allergies to pet hair and yes it does mean he is unable to breathe. He can not go in places which are pet friendly, so will avoid certain pubs, cafes etc. If they go on holiday he has to ensure where they are staying has never had dogs there and the list goes on. He can take steroids and antihistamines which will reduce it slightly but these make him rather out-of it and the side effects aren't fun.
So for him and many others they can not be in a house where a dog lives, not them being difficult just a fact of their life. Yes it's awkward at times but it is what it is.
Generally coming into contact outside is not an issue my dad won't pet animals, so very easy to avoid in daily life when you have no choice.

juice92 · 18/12/2023 22:44

We have a family member who is (pretty severely) allergic to cats, we have cats so he would never come to our house. Taking a tablet doesn't really help him and even if we put the cats in another room, were super careful with the hoovering etc etc he would still have a reaction and could end up very unwell. I wouldn't expect him to somehow 'get over it', he can't. To add a phobia in the mix makes it even worse.

Rosscameasdoody · 19/12/2023 00:31

Scotland32 · 18/12/2023 18:14

Allergy - YANBU (but you can take medication on the day surely?)
‘Phobia’ - YABU (especially to pass this onto your children - you can easily get help to get over this)
Disliking the smell of dogs - YABU (no need to stick your nose on them. I have only ever been to one doggy house that smells bad)

These points have been addressed one by one throughout the thread - numerous times. Medication doesn’t always work for allergies as severe as this and if it does, only for a short time - not to mention the side effects. And it’s not just OP - her son has the same allergy. And the phobia is as a result of the allergy. Not being able to breathe in the presence of dogs triggers a fear defence response in the body - how exactly is that unreasonable ?