To have declined Christmas invitation from MIL

[Onesidedagain]

Every year MIL hosts. The last time we went was 2013. That’s because that was the year that MIL got her dog.

Since then SIL and BIL have also got a dog, MIL has got a second dog.

I am allergic and terrified as well. I can’t stand the smell of dogs either. We’ve offered for them to see us at our house (minus dogs) on Boxing Day- that’s not good enough. We offered to host last year - no, that’s not ‘the tradition’

Now dh is getting hassled with messages telling him to go - that my allergies and phobias shouldn’t be a barrier to his family Christmas!

Why would you rather accuse OP and her child of exaggerating up a potentially life threatening allergy than accept that this could result in OP and her child needing emergency treatment?

I don’t get it.

Please do let me know so that I understand how to protect my kids from this ignorance. Other than just drumming into them that other people are dicks.

Is she planning to decline for the rest of their lives? Maybe family is getting fed up with it.

Is the family going ignore OPs needs for the rest of their lives. Be totally inflexible with regard to location and dogs?

*Why would you rather accuse OP and her child of exaggerating up a potentially life threatening allergy than accept that this could result in OP and her child needing emergency treatment?

I don’t get it.*

Agree. Still not clear why this poster knows more about OP's health than the OP ?

🤷‍♀️

Is she planning to decline for the rest of their lives? Maybe family is getting fed up with it.

So what? Visiting people in their homes is not a moral or social imperative. Not if the location is unsafe. The OP isn’t obligated to accept this summons whether year 1 or year 20. Who are these i hospitable hosts to be “fed up”?

What is interesting to me about this comment is that it had more projection than a 12 screen cinema.

Just because OP and her children don’t see grandma in the doghouse over Christmas does not mean the children don’t or can’t have a lovely relationship with the wider family—even with grandma. My Own grandparents came to us for holidays every year as they lived far away and I had a great relationship with them by phone and (in those days letter) in between.

If grandma etc.. want a warm relationship with the grandkids it starts with caring enough about their mother to gracefully create memories in a safe space for DH’s entire family. The children are not toys to be brought to amuse grandma but are members of the extended family whose need for parents who are safe/healthy need to be respected.

Why so much emphasis on Christmas being one day? It is perfectly reasonable for families to have their own Christmas Day and to see wider family on Boxing day. Allergy or no allergy, phobia or no phobia.

To be fair MIL sounds awful. 10/10 to Ur husband tho for standing his ground and just saying what he wants. Sounds like u got a good one there. Enjoy ur Christmas ⛄🎁

You know about your allergy. You know nothing about the allergy suffered by the OP. (Certain dogs, eh? Fascinating.)

The MiL similarly has known for ten years that her daughter-in-law cannot safely be in a house with dogs and has done nothing at all to alter the situation.

It seems clear that OP's family is quite happy with the tradition they have enjoyed for the past ten years: Christmas in their own house. Her husband's mother wants to have a different tradition; that, with deference, is not on OP to deal with except that MiL is making such a stinkin' fuss and kafuffle at her.

Not to mention anyone expecting another family to alter their plans for Christmas at seven days' notice is a pita by definition.

Thanks for the update @Onesidedagain . Your husband is fab and hopefully you won't be pestered by them again.

Is it an actual full blown allergy likely to cause you admission to hospital or an intolerance? I have an intolerance but have a dog (one that doesn't shed hair everywhere). I have friends who do take anti histamines and are fine with dogs but others who are truly allergic. My confusion in your situation is why it's suddenly a thing after ten years, have none of you gone over for ten years?

The second sentence in the OP is "The last time we went was 2013." So yes, we have been told that they have not gone to MiL on Christmas Day for ten years.

The fuss this year is because the PiL are going to downsize next year and MiL wants to revive the tradition of all her children gathered round her in her house, and to hell with her son's tradition that he and his wife and children spend Christmas day at home: she is the only one who matters. Her tradition has not happened for ten years. (I haven't noticed how old OP's children are, if she has told us, but it's possible that one or more of them has never spent Christmas Day at Granny's house.)

It you click on "see all" at the bottom of the post at the top of the page, which is the first post, it brings up all the OP's posts and you can read everything that she has told us. I find this useful to remind me about things a few pages back, even though I am not going to check for the children's ages.

One of those children has the same allergies. If MiL isn’t willing to accommodate either him or her DiL what are they supposed to do ?

I agree. People who don't suffer from allergies have no idea the discomfort they cause. Even if I take tablets etc I feel so rotten and it doesn't magically dissappear the moment you leave! They need to be more accommodating op. Why should he leave his wife and children on xmas day if he doesn't want to.

The OP said in one of her earlier posts that when she was a child her allergy was triggered by sitting next to a child who had a dog at home. I’d say it was a pretty full blown allergy rather than an ‘intolerance. I don’t understand why she’s getting a hard time here. She’s not the one being difficult.

OP has already offered to host. They refused. And no-one is saying they can’t have dogs, but it’s totally unreasonable to expect someone with a severe allergy to visit, and make themselves ill in the process.

Antihistamines don’t work for everyone and they only work for a short time. And they have side effects. If you don’t know much about allergies, and you clearly don’t , maybe it’s you that should get over yourself.

OP's allergy to dogs triggers her asthma and affects her ability to breathe. 3-4 people die from asthma attacks every day in the UK.

Most people with asthma, especially hard to control or severe asthma, actively avoid their triggers.

An asthma attack is terrifying to experience. I don't have allergies to anything it's easy to accidentally be exposed to, but if I was allergic to dogs there is no way I'd go to a house full of them.

Take an allergy pill and suck it up princess. You are 1000% unreasonable.

Nope. You are 1000% unpleasant.

Go stick your head in a pig!

I had no idea there were so many immunology and allergy consultants and nurses on MN!

There is a difference between slight allergen exposure e.g. standing next to someone in a queue for 5 mins who has dog hair on their jumper and being inside in the dog’s environment for a prolonged period of time. Allergy testing begins with a small amount of the allergen and if the person does not react, they will increase the potency. If they do react, a clinical decision is made. For example; I developed full blown anaphylaxis out of the blue to IV penicillin in hospital, having never had an allergy to it before. Following outpatient allergy challenges, they stopped at 1/20th of the dose as I was wheezing and had a swollen mouth and hives. This is how they test for allergies. You’re not any less allergic if you have less of an allergic reaction to a miniscule expose to the allergen. 🙄🙄 So, I completely would disregard posters like @Oaktree55. Their knowledge is medically incorrect and actually dangerous.

This shows you don’t have an understanding of allergies. I am allergic to quite a few things. I will be at most mildly inconvenienced by meeting these things for a short period of time while out and about but no way could I spend a few hours in the house with anything that I am allergic to. Antihistamines do not help. I already spend April to October on antihistamines.

You have absolutely no understanding of the situation.

Don't start bringing innocent pigs into this..... they don't deserve wanky heads up them.

True. I apologise to the hypothetical pig.