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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to get people to leave on Xmas day

200 replies

Elfie23 · 14/12/2023 20:42

As above really.

Last year I hosted 9 of us family and explicitly asked / banned my mum from drinking too much as she's a pain in the arse when she's had a few drinks, annoying everyone, talking about stuff no one wants to talk about (usually BIL dead parents or morbid stuff, or telling us how we don't 'talk' enough as a family which could never be her fault for not having those kinds of conversations with us as kids). The ban was mainly for my DC sake as they don't need to see that. I don't have a big place at all and it was utter carnage. Just not enough space for everyone to move etc. Vowed never again.

Well - DB and his other half and child are away at Xmas and DC is at their dads so leaves 5 adults. (I was going to Dsis originally and DB to our parents then meet in the evening for a bit before they announced their plans)

It's somehow ended up at mine again.
Now - I like a drink but my mum does my head in after a while and my sister has a gob the size of Mersey Tunnel after a few.

Last year I eventually said about 8pm I've had enough and literally could have cried, found the day so stressful as couldn't move, constantly needing to wash up or move something / find something etc. Basically hated Christmas last year.
I'm not a very good host.

Ideally I'd like to have dinner, maybe a few drinks and for everyone to sod off by about 7 so I can watch the soaps in peace - how do I manage this?

OP posts:
CaramelMac · 15/12/2023 06:55

“Prime nibbles and games time” and “7pm is when the pate and cheese come out” after the OPs described a pissed up slanging match have given me a good chuckle this morning. I’m not sure you’re on the same planet 🤣

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 07:12

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:01

I think that’s very early to expect people to leave on Christmas Day. That’s the time when the pate and cheese usually comes out!

Growing up people never left my parents until at least 9:30/10pm and that was usually just because one of the grandparents needed to be driven home.

We hosted last Xmas and BIL and gf left about 10:30/11. MIL AND FIL didn’t leave until 1am Boxing Day morning.

I’m not saying you need to have them there until midnight but it’s a bit rubbish to kick them out at 7pm to go home and twiddle their thumbs

It only seems early to you because this is your idea of how Christmas Day should go.

It's not the OP's idea of how she wants her Christmas Day to go and she doesn't want to be hosting at all, she's been strong armed into it.

If the OP does what you suggest then she won't get what she wants and what she is specifically asking for help with in this thread: a quiet evening where she can watch the soaps in peace.

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 07:16

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:11

@WannabeMathematician no, but the OP could consider what time they arrive instead of what time they leave if she wants some peace on the day. It just seems really mean spirited to kick people out at prime nibbles and games time!

Great plan. Just need to write to the BBC and ask them to broadcast EastEnders at 7am on Christmas Day instead then!

Jesus wept.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/12/2023 07:16

If the drinking is the main problem could you just ‘forget’ to buy any alcohol or only buy a minimal amount?

iwishiwasonhol · 15/12/2023 07:17

Im normally more than ready to come home by 430 but i feel like it would be rude to leave so soon however i do leave at about 530 because my DD goes to see her dad and his family on xmas night ,i love coming back and putting my pjs on glass of wine and watching rubbish tv , dont know if its because i work in retail so by xmas day ive had more than enough of people

Jellywobblescobbles · 15/12/2023 07:22

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:01

I think that’s very early to expect people to leave on Christmas Day. That’s the time when the pate and cheese usually comes out!

Growing up people never left my parents until at least 9:30/10pm and that was usually just because one of the grandparents needed to be driven home.

We hosted last Xmas and BIL and gf left about 10:30/11. MIL AND FIL didn’t leave until 1am Boxing Day morning.

I’m not saying you need to have them there until midnight but it’s a bit rubbish to kick them out at 7pm to go home and twiddle their thumbs

really? No its not. 7pm is absolutely reasonable for the host to want her space back and some time to herself. Also havent most people had enough by then and want their own space?

gannett · 15/12/2023 07:23

Elfie23 · 14/12/2023 22:29

Well I thought I had got out of it and was going to my sisters (very small 1 bed flat) and brother and his family to my parents.
(Parents used to have a much bigger place but decided to downsize and the dining room and lounge are now pretty small which is fine for them but not for hosting) I have a large dining/ lounge much easier to fit 5 in.

When Bro announced they won't be here I said to my mum oh are you and dad having your first Christmas dinner in peace for 40 years (we were usually always at theirs) and she said she'd let me know...then said as there's only 5 might as well all be together - won't fit anywhere but mine...

Didn't want to cause a riot and was hoping it would be better than last year, I think it could be if I can get out there that as long as they're not off their faces I don't mind how long they stay, it's the drunken shite I can't be dealing with

Show quote history

The problem is the booze. Without it you say they're fine and I suspect that if they're pissed-up they'll ignore any of the subtle hints to leave, and react poorly to anything direct. So you need to ration it. Hide your stash and leave minimal booze out for them. Either the lack of it will get them to go early anyway, or if they stay they won't be drunk.

Pretending you have a volunteering commitment would work too but might involve too much absurd subterfuge if you have to leave the house then double back inside.

It's somehow ended up at mine again.

In the future think harder about your people-pleasing tendencies! The word "somehow" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in this sentence - you have agency over it.

Beautiful3 · 15/12/2023 07:26

Just tell them all, can't wait to host Christmas dinner. Just to remind you of the times, x till 7pm. I have to finish at 7, so I can relax and watch my soaps in peace! Then on the day at 6.30pm, remind them it ends at 7pm. At 7pm, pass them their coats saying thanks for coming.

SpringingJoy · 15/12/2023 07:29

Set expectations in advance.

We have 9 people coming over for lunch (they'll start arriving from 10am though). Both dh's and my family.

When talking generally about the day (arrive from 10. Lunch at 1. Presents around 3/4. Etc) I've said lightheartedly 'yes and then we'll be kicking you about about 7pm don't forget! Dh and I will be collapsing with a bottle of wine in our PJs after that'.

And I've asked conversationally a times if they have plans for Xmas night just to cement that timeline!

MargotBamborough · 15/12/2023 07:31

I've now read your updates, OP.

I think there need to be two elements to this.

Firstly, you need to be upfront with people in advance. So you say, "OK everyone, come round at about 11, we'll have a cup of tea and open presents, then we'll have lunch at X o'clock, then at Y o'clock we'll do Z, then I want you all gone by 7 because I'll be exhausted by then."

You'll have to be the judge about what happens after lunch. If it's early enough and your family are amenable to it then it could be the traditional Christmas Day walk, but if your family tend to be pissed up loudmouths then that might not be their thing. You could try a film or a game instead.

Then the second part of the plan is that starting at around 5pm you need to subtly start withdrawing the things that will encourage them to anchor themselves in a particular chair with a bottle of wine and not move. It sounds like last year everyone just made themselves comfortable while you were running around like a headless chicken waiting on them all hand and foot. DON'T DO THAT. Stop serving alcohol after lunch. If they want it they will have to go and get it themselves. Don't have an unlimited stash of booze available, just have a few things open in the kitchen and make it a bit awkward for them to ask for more once the supplies have dwindled. Get people to help you. Look round the room and identify the person who is looking slightly too comfortable/getting too pissed and say, "Right, MUM, come and help me clear the table and load the dishwasher!" or, "DAD, come and help me wash the pans from lunch please, I'm not doing it all myself again like I did last year!" or, "Who's for a cup of tea? Everyone? Great! SISTER, come and keep me company in the kitchen and then you can help me bring the teas in for everyone."

Basically don't let anyone sit still for too long and give them jobs to do. They'll get less pissed and less comfortable and be less resistant at 6:45 when you say, "RIGHT, it's been lovely having you all. Who's got a taxi coming? Make sure you've got all your things so you're not scrambling to find everything when the meter is running. I'm just going to go and run the bath so I can have a nice hot soak once you've all left! It's been LOVELY having you but I am tired now!"

Pipsquiggle · 15/12/2023 07:33

Anything other than telling them to leave by 7pm is just ambiguous and has little chance of working.

Just tell them OP - rip the plaster off!

twilly · 15/12/2023 07:44

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:01

I think that’s very early to expect people to leave on Christmas Day. That’s the time when the pate and cheese usually comes out!

Growing up people never left my parents until at least 9:30/10pm and that was usually just because one of the grandparents needed to be driven home.

We hosted last Xmas and BIL and gf left about 10:30/11. MIL AND FIL didn’t leave until 1am Boxing Day morning.

I’m not saying you need to have them there until midnight but it’s a bit rubbish to kick them out at 7pm to go home and twiddle their thumbs

It’s early if everyone is having a good time. The OPs mum is pissed and overbearing. My mums the same and believe me past 8pm it’s a shit show

DaftyInTheMiddle · 15/12/2023 07:46

There’s some really glib comments here about “poor families being chucked out into the cold”. It’s fucking peachy you’ve not had to deal with toxic family members but when you’ve got them, you need to protect yourself. Literally no thought to OP bring in the brink of tears and hating Christmas? If everyone has to have a wonderful Christmas why can’t OP??

Obviously the problem seems to be the booze and it’s fine saying don’t buy it in, but they’ll likely bring their own too if they’re big drinkers which it seems like it.

You need an advanced cut off point. Tell them 630pm you need them to leave as you’re going to a friends / out / already have plans. That gives 30 minutes for stragglers and with only 4 adults surely they could go to your parents / sisters at this point anyway?

Stand firm OP! Enjoy YOUR Christmas!

limefrog · 15/12/2023 07:46

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:01

I think that’s very early to expect people to leave on Christmas Day. That’s the time when the pate and cheese usually comes out!

Growing up people never left my parents until at least 9:30/10pm and that was usually just because one of the grandparents needed to be driven home.

We hosted last Xmas and BIL and gf left about 10:30/11. MIL AND FIL didn’t leave until 1am Boxing Day morning.

I’m not saying you need to have them there until midnight but it’s a bit rubbish to kick them out at 7pm to go home and twiddle their thumbs

@CateringPanic Just because it's not the way you would do it does not mean it's not perfectly valid. OP can have guests for as long or short a time as they want in their own home.

limefrog · 15/12/2023 07:49

CaramelMac · 15/12/2023 06:55

“Prime nibbles and games time” and “7pm is when the pate and cheese come out” after the OPs described a pissed up slanging match have given me a good chuckle this morning. I’m not sure you’re on the same planet 🤣

😂My thoughts as well. I don't think OP's family are the "nibbles, games and pate" sort.

It's baffling how some people lack insight into the idea that anyone does anything differently to them.

Deathraystare · 15/12/2023 07:52

@GrandHighPoohbah

Host me instead of them next year! I would contribute, even bring my own food (pescatarian), make cups of tea or coffee, wash up, prep stuff and be as good as gold!

Stifledlife · 15/12/2023 08:04

My father used to stand by the front door and sing the national anthem. He also used to wait until someone stood up then shake their hand and say "it was lovely to see you. Thank you for leaving"

willWillSmithsmith · 15/12/2023 08:06

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:01

I think that’s very early to expect people to leave on Christmas Day. That’s the time when the pate and cheese usually comes out!

Growing up people never left my parents until at least 9:30/10pm and that was usually just because one of the grandparents needed to be driven home.

We hosted last Xmas and BIL and gf left about 10:30/11. MIL AND FIL didn’t leave until 1am Boxing Day morning.

I’m not saying you need to have them there until midnight but it’s a bit rubbish to kick them out at 7pm to go home and twiddle their thumbs

Why would they be twiddling their thumbs? Can’t they open a bottle of wine, eat some chocolate and watch a Christmas movie or something back in their own house? Maybe that’s just me but if I’m at someone’s house for Christmas I’m the guest that can’t wait to get back to my own house.

willWillSmithsmith · 15/12/2023 08:07

Stifledlife · 15/12/2023 08:04

My father used to stand by the front door and sing the national anthem. He also used to wait until someone stood up then shake their hand and say "it was lovely to see you. Thank you for leaving"

Love it 😁

sakes · 15/12/2023 08:10

Up front. Looking forward to seeing you in Xmas day from 2pm til 7pm. Looking forward to the day and then having a rest in front of tv. Getting old or some such crap joke.

ohdamnitjanet · 15/12/2023 08:12

Sounds bloody awful, it’s your Christmas too, tell them you want to go back to plan A and let someone else host, or just cancel. If they can’t be considerate of other people on Christmas Day, stuff them all, along with your turkey.

Ariela · 15/12/2023 08:13

Invent a reason to go out at 7.30pm, eg volunteering at a soup kitchen/working an extra shift, been invited to Debbie and David's a half hours walk away etc. Tell them NOW, you're doing X, and every subsequent time you speak to them.
On the day serve alcohol only with food, then tea/coffee/hot chocolate.
Remind them they're leaving at 7 because you have to leave at 7.30.

GRex · 15/12/2023 08:16

I never understand what's hard about just using your words to say what you want.
"Christmas day plans; arrive whenever suits you between 11 and 1, there will be snacks and drinks with presents, then dinner at 4. X is bringing pigs in blankets, Y is bringing coca cola ham, Z is bringing the desserts and I'll make the rest. Then I want you all to leave by 7pm latest. Looking forward to seeing everyone xxx"

Ration the booze if they're problem drinkers, and they'll leave of their own accord.

Shodan · 15/12/2023 08:16

I think I'd flat out lie and tell them you're invited to friends for 7pm, so will 'sadly' have to curtail the day and have them leave by 6. If you follow @MargotBamborough 's plan (which I think is ace) they'll be more than happy to leave.

Olika · 15/12/2023 08:16

sakes · 15/12/2023 08:10

Up front. Looking forward to seeing you in Xmas day from 2pm til 7pm. Looking forward to the day and then having a rest in front of tv. Getting old or some such crap joke.

And then if they are not leaving when time comes, you say: okey is everybody helping me to clear before you go.