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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to get people to leave on Xmas day

200 replies

Elfie23 · 14/12/2023 20:42

As above really.

Last year I hosted 9 of us family and explicitly asked / banned my mum from drinking too much as she's a pain in the arse when she's had a few drinks, annoying everyone, talking about stuff no one wants to talk about (usually BIL dead parents or morbid stuff, or telling us how we don't 'talk' enough as a family which could never be her fault for not having those kinds of conversations with us as kids). The ban was mainly for my DC sake as they don't need to see that. I don't have a big place at all and it was utter carnage. Just not enough space for everyone to move etc. Vowed never again.

Well - DB and his other half and child are away at Xmas and DC is at their dads so leaves 5 adults. (I was going to Dsis originally and DB to our parents then meet in the evening for a bit before they announced their plans)

It's somehow ended up at mine again.
Now - I like a drink but my mum does my head in after a while and my sister has a gob the size of Mersey Tunnel after a few.

Last year I eventually said about 8pm I've had enough and literally could have cried, found the day so stressful as couldn't move, constantly needing to wash up or move something / find something etc. Basically hated Christmas last year.
I'm not a very good host.

Ideally I'd like to have dinner, maybe a few drinks and for everyone to sod off by about 7 so I can watch the soaps in peace - how do I manage this?

OP posts:

fridaynight1 · 15/12/2023 01:50

Put your PJ's on or do what I did and slope off to your bedroom for a lie down. Everyone soon left once they realised I wasn't coming back. DH did his best to keep everyone entertained but the day kind of fizzled out after that. I did have an excuse in that I'd not long been discharged from hospital after surgery. I was bloody knackered.

I've banked it for future use and wont hesitate to slope off again. I can feel a migraine coming on already.

shearwater2 · 15/12/2023 01:52

After they had been offered coffee, a mince pie etc, early evening, and did not take the hint to get on their way a reasonable time after that, I would just go carry on as if they weren't there. Have a bath and put my feet up, put what I wanted on the TV, whatever I wanted to do and leave them to it.

andIsaid · 15/12/2023 02:00

I have a few strategies !

Arrival time should coincide as closely as possible to eating time - no hanging around drinking for an hour before dinner!

One or two are organised/shamed into the dishwasher/washing up

Finally and most importantly - slip away and go to bed. (if you get caught claim a headache). Let them at it!

coxesorangepippin · 15/12/2023 02:12

You could just go to bed?

Pippa12 · 15/12/2023 02:20

My mum and dad print a menu with what they are making and at the bottom it says ‘carriages strictly at 9pm’ and give us all one to stick on our fridges. They ask us to pre book cabs etc. The home time is non negotiable, and we are ready to be fair!

Saracen · 15/12/2023 02:29

You can definitely tell them they need to go at 7, so long as you do it in advance rather than springing it on them.

But it sounds like they are rather unpleasant after a few drinks anyway, so if you can enforce an alcohol-free day then that would be even better. There's no reason you couldn't have a tipple yourself once they have gone.

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 15/12/2023 02:30

I don't host for this exact reason. I seem to piss off my family every year but I do not have a house that can accommodate 10 - 15 people comfortably, it'll freak my dog out (and to the surprise of this around me, this is an important factor to me - he likes visitors but that many is a lot, and half of the guests are scared of dogs), and I can't be bothered with drunk behaviour. I can't just limit everyone's drinking as one family member always turns up with about £200 of booze, no exaggeration, and finishes it all off themself.
So I will continue saying no and continue pissing them off. Do the same, OP. Nobody can make you host.

Just give them a time to be out by this year and next year don't do it. Go to a restaurant instead.

AGoingConcern · 15/12/2023 02:35

Tell them ahead of time. Be direct and don't make it about anyone else's behavior. "I'm looking forward to celebrating the holiday with everyone, but I wanted to give everyone a heads up that 7pm will be closing time at my house. You're all welcome to arrive for nibbles at 2:00 and we'll do dinner at 5:30. See you all then!" When 7pm approaches, let them know. "I'll be turning into a pumpkin in about half an hour. Who wants to to take home some of the leftovers? Does anyone need a last cookie or two?" At 7, tell them "It's time to say good night I'm afraid. I'm so glad everyone was able to come." Repeat it again if necessary and get their coats for them.

Don't be cute or passive aggressive about it, don't try to "trick" them into leaving by turning up the heat or whatever. Just set your boundary and communicate it clearly without drama. If you know alcohol is an issue, limit how much you provide. Consider a lightly alcoholic punch or similar instead of wine before dinner and then do just a couple of bottles of wine with the meal. You can stash away a bottle of champagne to enjoy in your pjs later.

And if you don't want to host next year, don't. "I'm not up for hosting this year but I'd be happy to help with food if someone else wants to. Or we could plan on a nice family meal out and let someone else do the cooking and dishes."

readingmytealeaves · 15/12/2023 02:43

It's somehow ended up at mine again.

This sounds very passive. People don't "end up" at my house for extended periods or on bank holidays unless I invite them. You could cancel, which at this late stage may create bad feeling, or let them come whatever time they want and do whatever they want, leaving you stressed about it again.

Or you could find some middle ground and set some boundaries, which if you are not used to that will be a challenge for you. You could tell them to arrive at x time and that lunch will be served at y time and you need everyone to leave by z time so if they are booking taxis to do that for your suggested time - if you don't trust them to do this book the taxi yourself. Tell them who needs to bring what and make them help clear up. If they can't behave this year don't let them come next year. If they usually drink more than you are happy about then limit how much alcohol you have in. If they bring their own alcohol so be it but at least you're not subsidizing their bad behaviour. If you really can't assert yourself then serve such a rubbish meal they will moan about it on Mumsnet and refuse to come back next year, then have your proper Christmas lunch in peace on Boxing Day.

daisychain01 · 15/12/2023 02:55

COVID is the Christmas gift that keeps on giving. It was put on earth for this very reason.

Ideally I'd like to have dinner, maybe a few drinks and for everyone to sod off by about 7 so I can watch the soaps in peace - how do I manage this?

It's never going to happen, OP. No matter how much advanced notice you give your family incl sozzled DM the chances of them actually abiding by your house rules is vanishingly small. I estimate somewhere between zilch and bugger-all.

Don't set yourself up to fail.

Or just grit your teeth, keep saying to yourself "This too will pass" and remember you will get your reward in heaven.

plus Christmas 2024 IS.100%.NOT.AT.YOURS! now repeat after me....

thebestinterest · 15/12/2023 03:06

Suggest someone else host!!!

Tilllly · 15/12/2023 03:11

Can you do an itinerary for the day?
1pm lunch
3pm kings speech
4pm monopoly
7pm departures
Type of thing?

Or all go out to a local pub at 6pm? Then you can have 1 drink and leave them

Definitely use the opportunity to ensure you're not in this situation next year

adventadvent · 15/12/2023 03:13

Do an Xmas day breakfast instead.

Nat6999 · 15/12/2023 03:44

Tell them you want them to leave by 6.00pm, that gives wiggle room for them to be gone by 7.00pm.

CatMadam · 15/12/2023 04:03

SheerLucks · 14/12/2023 23:43

Wow. This must be the most un-Christmassy post I've ever read.

Because op doesn’t want to put up with unwanted behaviour in her home? It being Christmas doesn’t mean she has to be a doormat!

justanothermanicmonday1 · 15/12/2023 04:20

I'd have everyone leave for 6pm. That way you can run yourself a lovely bubble bath and have a drink in complete peace before your soaps.

I also agree to sending a text before hand so people are aware.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 15/12/2023 04:24

Definitely cut back on the booze. Two bottles of wine is plenty between five people. If anyone complains say ‘I think we’ve all had enough to drink’. NOTHING gets rid of people who like a drink faster than no booze.

Thatnameistaken · 15/12/2023 04:36

There are a lot of nice zero alcohol wines, gins etc available.
I'd buy a lot in, say nothing and start on the zero stuff after the first full strength drink.

DitheringBlidiot · 15/12/2023 05:39

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:11

@WannabeMathematician no, but the OP could consider what time they arrive instead of what time they leave if she wants some peace on the day. It just seems really mean spirited to kick people out at prime nibbles and games time!

Has it occurred to you that OP doesn't have the same Christmas you do? I think 7pm is perfectly acceptable. I've never once had "nibbles and games" and if I wanted to have them, and I wanted everyone out, I'd have them earlier.

Alleycat1 · 15/12/2023 06:01

@Thatnameistaken .
I was just about to post the same thing! There are some excellent alcohol-free drinks available now. If you decant the wine nobody will know the difference. Freizinet do a particularly nice sparkling wine.

LemonTreeSkies · 15/12/2023 06:20

BusMumsHoliday · 14/12/2023 21:12

My late, much-missed MIL's method was to loudly announce, "Oh, DH, we've kept these lovely people here too long, we must let them go home." Might not work with your drunk mum.

I'd just go upstairs at 7pm with a laptop and a box of chocolates. Leave them to it.

My neighbours say. “We should really go to bed and let these good people go home “ 😁

SutWytTi · 15/12/2023 06:27

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:07

@gamerchick I did host my own family last year as I described. And when I host I do if graciously without kicking people out into the cold early evening on Christmas night. If you host you need to do it properly or not at all

Hosting until 7pm is doing it properly.

People do things differently!

SeatonCarew · 15/12/2023 06:27

SheerLucks · 14/12/2023 23:43

Wow. This must be the most un-Christmassy post I've ever read.

Haha! Stick around, you'll learn! 😂

NotFastButFurious · 15/12/2023 06:28

CateringPanic · 14/12/2023 21:11

Speak for your own house re “prime nibbles and games time” but in ours we’ll have washed up and tidied away after dinner, put the PJs on and be sitting down to watch tv and probably have a snooze!

FrenchandSaunders · 15/12/2023 06:38

Everyone saying just go out for Xmas lunch …. It’s about £100 a head around here!

OP message them in advance with a cut off time.

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