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Original poster

To feel my DP just isn’t excited anymore?

209 replies

PopcornFanatic · 14/12/2023 13:59

We’re going on a sunny holiday to the Caribbean this weekend. It’s going to be a holiday of pure relaxation and I am SO excited. DP has had a lot on his plate so he definitely needs it, he’s had a really busy week with lots of early starts too. I’ve had a fairly normal time and so I’m feeling refreshed at the moment.

I’ve been soooo excited all week. It’s a completely new and amazing place we’re going to! We never go long haul.

I’ve been so excited all week. When I’m excited I tend to ask “are you excited?!” Not in an actual inquisitive way but just as a way to share excitement.
I feel like I’ve taken charge with booking things and planning everything.

When I brought this up and said he didn’t seem overly excited, he said he found it kind of annoying that I kept asking if he was excited. He said it makes him feel like he has to act exactly as I do. I said I didn’t mean to.

He explained that he is excited, but he still has 2 really important things to deal with (1 work related and 1 sporting event) in the next few days before we jet off. So he will feel excited after that. I said I just want to know that he’s excited and thinking about the holiday.

He then said “why do I have to be thinking about it?”

This made me feel shit because I’ve been so excited for a holiday with him and been thinking about it all week.

Am I being unfair or should I worry that he’s going off me?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 15/12/2023 08:22

You sound totally unreasonable.
You are not listening to the words from your husband's mouth.
He is sick of you asking whether he is excited. You asking all the time is adding stress to his already busy state of mind.
He is right to say that you both don't need to think alike.

You, however, should enjoy your excited state and ready yourself for a great holiday with your husband once he steps onto the plane with you. Have a great holiday.

Wolfpa · 15/12/2023 08:25

Take a step back you will be ruining his excitement. Do you have anyone else you can talk too about the holiday? A friend or family? This way you can also keep your excitement up.

fairymary87 · 15/12/2023 08:25

Omg calm down! My husband was like this not long ago. And I was excited till we got there I had so much shit to deal with I wasn't ready to switch off!!! Once I did and I was on the plane I was. Clearly your husband needs to work through something. Let him do so. Stop pestering him like a tiny child!!!!

Bananawotsit · 15/12/2023 08:26

My oh is like this. He doesn’t get excited about anything except the football. Even when we’be done something and I can see he had really enjoyed it afterwards he say “it was alright”. It’s drives me mad but I also let it ruin my experience which is ridiculous. I was needing his validation to allow myself to be excited. Now I do more exciting things with friends and if I do stuff with him I just do it for me!

im annoyed coz I’ve spent a lot of money 10k plus) on a once in a life time trip next year - he isn’t excited about it but then it’s my trip. I need him to come as it’s a family holiday but part of me wishes I could leave him at home! 😂😂😂😂 and spend his part of the budget on even more exciting things! 😂😂😂

seriously though deep down tho I think this is why we’re together - he focuses on serious stuff like bills and diy which means I can focus on organising fun stuff that he just had to do and enjoy in the moment - so I suppose it works. If we were both like me it would be an actual nightmare and we’d be skint.

laclochette · 15/12/2023 08:26

Different people have different ways of engaging with things but it doesn't mean they don't value them equally.

My partner, for example, just isn't someone who thinks more than a few days ahead in life, unless he absolutely has to (for work etc).

Whereas I'm one of life's great "looking forwardsers" - both in terms of happy anticipation (looking forward to a holiday for months is half the joy of the holiday, for me!), being someone who loves to plan things and is good at that, but also being a real worrier...it has its downsides too.

Sometimes we fall out because I feel he isn't looking forward to things enough, especially things I've planned. Expressing my excited looking-forward is my "currency" of showing that something matters to me, so when he isn't showing much anticipation, I can feel like things don't matter to him - whereas that just isn't how his brain works. I've had to learn that about him and vice versa. Now we don't fall out as much about it.

Also, and I don't know if this is true for your DP, the flip side is that my partner is much better at being in the moment than I am. Which means that when we are on holiday, he's amazing at soaking it all in and revelling in every detail, whereas I have a tendency to be worrying about things in the future or even things like the transfer home... His present-ness becomes a wonderful correction for me, and makes me enjoy holidays and other moments so much more. It's just a different way of being and we can each learn from and complement each other.

Newsenmum · 15/12/2023 08:27

Omg op you’re acting like a child! I can only get excited once there. He’s obviously very stressed.

Anisette · 15/12/2023 08:32

I said I just want to know that he’s excited and thinking about the holiday.

He then said “why do I have to be thinking about it?”

To be honest, what your partner said was exactly what I thought when I read that. He doesn't have to be thinking about it, let alone getting excited.

To be honest, I find it a little worrying that you are getting this excited. It may well be the case that it simply cannot live up to what you have built it up to be in your mind, and then you'll be massively disappointed. Count to 10, wind back to just looking forward to it, and take it as it comes.

Jewnicorn · 15/12/2023 08:34

I hate going on holiday. I love being on holiday but I start to really dread it in the run up. I’m just consumed with all the things I have to do at work, or to sort the house, the laundry, the packing, making sure I know where my passport is, sorting the dog etc. The week running up to a holiday I’m usually stressed, snappy and generally thinking it’s not worth going. I think if someone kept asking me if I was excited I’d end up biting their head off (sorry 🙈).

He’ll be fine. Once the work is done, everything is sorted and you’re on your way, he will be fine.

Caspersdad · 15/12/2023 08:39

We're exactly the same, my partner is giddy for weeks before we go anywhere!
I'm not as I've so much to do before I take time off to ensure everything is covered!
However once I'm through security at the airport I then get excited as the holiday has officially started!

Lochness1975 · 15/12/2023 08:43

My holiday excitement doesn’t start until I’ve got through security. I have so much to sort out with work and plans for my a/l and coming back, as well as all the normal holiday shopping, sorting the house, filling the freezer and fridge for the dc and so on. If dp was like an over excited puppy before going I’d probably send him on his own!

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 15/12/2023 08:48

Just let him be. It's beyond irritating having to reassure someone every 5 mins and what are you expecting him to be doing exactly?- putting bunting out and jumping out of bed singing every morning?

It's fine to be positive and excited but that's YOU, not him, and he still has work stuff to get out of the way. Not everyone reacts the same way and it doesn't make them wrong and you right. Allowing him to look forward to it without pressuring him for outward and obvious signs is going to be far more likely to elicit positivity from him rather than pressuring him and trying to force it.

GuessItsANameChange · 15/12/2023 08:52

Everyone is being a bit harsh on the op, she is quite rightly excited for her holiday!
Where did she say that?

Sceptre86 · 15/12/2023 08:52

You are being annoying. You have the power to stop, so do it. I'm similar and got positively giddy before we went abroad with the kids with the first time but I am self employed and wound up work a week before so I could get packing organised whereas dh was working till the weekend before and had a paper to write and get signed off so was stressed. We too had a similar conversation and he explained the situation re work and I backed off. It would probably be helpful if ypu did the same.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 15/12/2023 08:58

Yabvu, it’s hard to focus on a holiday when other things are going on.

We had a holiday of a lifetime booked last year and something awful happened at work right before. I was so stressed I nearly didn’t go and if DH had asked me if I was excited, I probably wouldn’t have coped! All he did was support me and I did go away. It definitely did affect my enjoyment but we have another holiday of a similar type booked and hopefully things will be smoother in the lead up.

DrBlackbird · 15/12/2023 09:04

Rocknrolla21 · 14/12/2023 14:21

Dear lord you sound tedious op. I agree with pp that the last week before the holiday is the most stressful. We’ve not been on holiday for 4 years. My 7yo has just been given the all clear for lymphoma. We NEED this holiday. We’re leaving early hours Sunday morning for a 3 day trip to Lapland. We haven’t told the kids yet. We’ve saved for this holiday for a little over 2 years. I’ve already finished work and oh last day is today and we’re stressed AF!! I know I’m going to have huge anxiety that will only start to ease once we’re packed and the dogs have been safely dropped off at kennels Saturday morning. I’m not going to 100% relax and even start to feel the excitement until we’re all sat on that plane. For the love of god op, leave the poor man alone and stop sucking the little bit of joy away that he’s actually been able to muster over your weird nagging

How fantastic that your 7 yr old is clear from lymphoma Flowers and that you’re taking them to Finland. What a wonderful outcome.

betterangels · 15/12/2023 09:54

TravelInHope · 15/12/2023 07:38

Leave him. You deserve so much better than this. Secure your finances first though.

Or maybe she could stop constantly asking him the same question?

cockadoodledandy · 15/12/2023 10:02

You are being unreasonable. The man has some pretty stressful stuff sitting between him and the holiday that he needs to handle and if his head is anything like mine, there’s no space for ‘frivolities’ until they’re dealt with.

He sounds like he’s suffering with stress, and from personal experience someone constantly asking you if you’re excited (and the insinuation that you should be) when that’s not an emotion available to you at the moment exacerbates that stress. Its akin to being told to cheer up when struggling with depression, or to calm down when you’re irate. Especially when that person appears to be having a very different experience of life and work.

Also, he will not immediately be freed of the effects of stress the moment he clocks off work before you go. It will take him a few days to decompress. Please don’t pressure him to feel anything other than his natural emotions. He’ll also possibly start to feel stressed again as it nears time to come home.

Please don’t make this about you; your partner is struggling with something unrelated to you or or relationship and needs your understanding and emotional support.

Angelil · 15/12/2023 10:20

Good grief, how old are you?! You would drive me nuts too.

RandalsAunty · 15/12/2023 12:16

Mercedes45 · 14/12/2023 14:15

When reading your post, all I imagined was a floppy eared springer spaniel bouncing off the walls.

So do I now 🤣🤣

Brefugee · 15/12/2023 12:18

betterangels · 15/12/2023 09:54

Or maybe she could stop constantly asking him the same question?

Show quote history

maybe he'll take the decision out of her hands? I know I'd never cope with the Spaniel-like behaviour

Hereforaglance · 15/12/2023 13:44

You sound like a five year old u said partner got a lot of pressure on him and you arent helping asking him stupid questions like are you excited are we there yet every five minutes poor bloke prob dreading the holiday because of your attitude

JLou08 · 15/12/2023 14:38

You're not in control of another person's emotions and you need to work on not being effected by other people's emotions. You can be excited when he isn't excited and by no means is someone not sharing the same emotion a sign they are going off you. People get stressed and have their own issues to deal with. Do you think people who have been married for years are always happy/excited/sad at the same times.

DaggerIsle · 15/12/2023 17:33

Is OP sulking because we're not excited for her? 😂

mrssunshinexxx · 15/12/2023 17:35

Maybe rather than keep saying you're excited you could expand and say you're excited to spend some quality time with him / go snorkelling / try new food ? Etc

timeforacoffeebreak · 15/12/2023 17:51

Oh for gods sake. Why is everyone so miserable.
Acting like it's a bloody crime to be verbally and visibly excited about something.
I would be the same!!
I don't think it's fair to be annoyed with him about it, as he just might not show excitement the way you do.
But as for those saying "this would do my head in" etc etc etc. do you have nothing in your lives that brings joy and excitement ???