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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my DP just isn’t excited anymore?

209 replies

PopcornFanatic · 14/12/2023 13:59

We’re going on a sunny holiday to the Caribbean this weekend. It’s going to be a holiday of pure relaxation and I am SO excited. DP has had a lot on his plate so he definitely needs it, he’s had a really busy week with lots of early starts too. I’ve had a fairly normal time and so I’m feeling refreshed at the moment.

I’ve been soooo excited all week. It’s a completely new and amazing place we’re going to! We never go long haul.

I’ve been so excited all week. When I’m excited I tend to ask “are you excited?!” Not in an actual inquisitive way but just as a way to share excitement.
I feel like I’ve taken charge with booking things and planning everything.

When I brought this up and said he didn’t seem overly excited, he said he found it kind of annoying that I kept asking if he was excited. He said it makes him feel like he has to act exactly as I do. I said I didn’t mean to.

He explained that he is excited, but he still has 2 really important things to deal with (1 work related and 1 sporting event) in the next few days before we jet off. So he will feel excited after that. I said I just want to know that he’s excited and thinking about the holiday.

He then said “why do I have to be thinking about it?”

This made me feel shit because I’ve been so excited for a holiday with him and been thinking about it all week.

Am I being unfair or should I worry that he’s going off me?

OP posts:
Ginandjuice57884 · 14/12/2023 14:21

I don't really get excited in advance of things anymore. If nothing else there's the stress and hassle of packing and travelling that has to be overcome before relaxing. Doesn't mean anything. Maybe lay off a bit. You can say you're excited but you shouldn't need someone else to mirror that back.

WorriedMum231 · 14/12/2023 14:22

PopcornFanatic · 14/12/2023 14:04

It’s been booked for ages and it’s a HUGE deal for us as we’ve never had much money and and this is by far the biggest holiday we’ve ever had

Oh Gosh, I think you need to chill out. I would find you a bit over bearing if I was DH. I do hope you have a nice holiday but maybe stop talking about it with him before you go if you don’t want a dampener on it.

CantFindTheBeat · 14/12/2023 14:22

He's got hurdles to get over that are his current priority.

Have a bit of empathy - some you have something nerve-wracking/challenging/terrifying to do in the next few days, and understand how a light, excited feeling would be impossible to feel just now.

Socialyawkward · 14/12/2023 14:22

Aww darling as an anxious person I see where you are coming from but as an outsider can also see its bat shit crazy ! Relax a little bit share your excitement but don't try poke his out I'm pretty certain it will hit when you get there and don't go down the going off you road that's a dangerous one ! Enjoy the present only no back thoughts no forward thoughts. I think you know the answer yourself by the way you've worded it you understand him and what he's said but are second guessing it causes yourself stress and ruining your excited bubble.

gamerchick · 14/12/2023 14:23

Is this the next big thing in your life or do you have big things to sort first before it?

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 14/12/2023 14:23

Oh gosh, it’s lovely that you’re so excited but you would be doing my head in 🤣 it’s fine for people to be different, and it’s fine to not act like a bouncy excitable puppy prior to a holiday. I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time. Be aware that by hassling him into behaving the same way as you do, you may wel cast a shadow over this lovely holiday you’re so looking forward to. Don’t look for problems where there are none.

TokyoSushi · 14/12/2023 14:24

OP, you've said the word excited 12+ times in your opening post, just chill, I'm sure it'll be lovely.

BendingSpoons · 14/12/2023 14:24

As a child and teenager I looked forward to holidays. As an adult, I am excited when booking them. Just before I am often busy wrapping things up at home/work and a bit stressed at the thought of the journey and any problems. Once the plane takes off, I feel a bit excited, more so once we land and get out the airport.

His head is full of the immediate, he can't think beyond that now and that's ok. I do understand you want to share your excitement - can you channel this into planning instead? Look up what there is to do there etc?

Treesinmygarden · 14/12/2023 14:27

OMG you need to give the poor man a break!!

I love love love travelling - but I am anything but excited before I leave. I will be wishing I wasn't going, can't be bothered to pack etc - I don't relax until I'm through security at the airport.

If he has other priorities first, then let him get on with them. One of my DCs keeps on saying, "it's christmaaaaaas!" over and over and it's driving me mad! It actually puts me off if truth be told.

I bet you will both have a ball when you actually get there. Enjoy!

MimiSunshine · 14/12/2023 14:27

My mum is like you with stuff. It really gets on my nerves and actually makes me feel weirdly angry and disengaged from the thing that I was actually quite excited about.

i get that she and you display your emotions differently to me and it’s not done on purpose to be annoying. But I’m not performative like that and it sounds like neither is your DP.

i also start to feel like I can’t show any excitement as it’s not enough which it also sounds like your DP feels too.

yes the holiday sounds amazing and I get it is exciting but as pp said, he’s not in holiday mode yet. It sounds like he’s got loads on his plate and won’t relax until you’re on the way there.
give him some breathing space and calm it down a bit, and for the love of god stop saying ‘are you excited?’

you’re in danger of making him feel on edge the whole time if he doesn’t match your levels of enthusiasm and you’ll end up making yourself feel insecure and unhappy that he doesn’t mirror you.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/12/2023 14:28

I agree with you OP, I think it’s lovely you’re excited for such a big trip, ignore all the fun suckers. We’re lucky enough to be able to go on lovely holidays and part of the fun is the planning/getting excited beforehand, I’d be annoyed if my husband didn’t get on board with it. IMO it makes it worth the expense when you can enjoy it before and after.

Life’s too short and often miserable so good on you for grabbing the fun and excitement when you can.

Youdirtysonofagun · 14/12/2023 14:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lakeyloo · 14/12/2023 14:29

It's lovely that you are so excited OP (Hope it lives up to expectations!) but my DP does this and I say to him that I will be excited once all the packing is done, I've tied up everything and done my hand over at work, the house is clean - fridge emptied, everything switched off that should be, we've got to the airport in plenty of time, the cases are checked in, and we are sitting in a lounge with a drink..... THEN I'll be excited. I'm sure he will share your excitement when you are on your way.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/12/2023 14:30

I would be like your h. Once everything is wrapped up at work then I’d feel excited but until then, my brain wants to focus on getting work completed so I don’t think about it on holiday. He won’t want to leave extra work for others when he’s away or come back to extra work.
It’s like how some people tidy their house so they come back from holiday a little less sad because there is minimal housework to do. Focusing on the preparation now means he can focus on the event later.
Do you get as excited during the holiday as before? I know someone who loves the feeling of an upcoming holiday more than the actual holiday. I’m not saying that this is you but this is an actual person I know. She books her next holiday as soon as she gets back so that can get the excited anticipation feeling again.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 14/12/2023 14:30

I voted yabu because I understand his point if view but i could understand if you feel like you've done the donkey/wife work of organising the holiday and he cant even be bothered to make a few vaguely happy noises for a holiday that only requires him to turn up.

Do you do most of the life admin?

EvilElsa · 14/12/2023 14:32

It IS really irritating when someone keeps on at you. You are not wrong to be excited, it sounds amazing! Stop asking him though. Would drive me round the twist and really take the shine off for me. He can look forward to it in his own way. I'm never really excited until I'm actually on the way.

Beginningless · 14/12/2023 14:32

I feel sorry for you imagining how you’ll feel reading the replies, but I agree your reaction to this sounds very full on. And I say gently, quite needy. Why would him not being in the same frame of mind as you mean he is going off you? I think your take on this seems likely to based on some childhood history of parents acting like this or something, as it’s obscuring you from seeing him as a full human with his own life, with feelings separate from yours. It’s quite the opposite- going on and pressuring someone to display the emotions you expect them to is what more likely to put someone off.

betterangels · 14/12/2023 14:34

It's fine to be excited. It's unreasonable to expect him to feel the same when he still has work to do. It's even more unreasonable to keep asking him whether he is excited or not. It must drive him nuts.

Sera1989 · 14/12/2023 14:34

He's stressed and needs to get his work things done before he goes. He probably doesn't have room in his brain to think about the holiday right now. You sound like a bouncing child going to Disneyland. Maybe just leave him be and allow him to relax when he's on holiday. I doubt he's going off you just because of this but I personally I couldn't be with someone who had childish over-enthusiasm

Juni11 · 14/12/2023 14:36

Sorry, but I’m in agreement that YABU. I can totally relate to your DH, when you feel overwhelmed with jobs/tasks, it’s impossible to see beyond that. He’ll be excited once he has everything ticked-off and he’s enjoying a pre-flight drink! Don’t add another pressure on to him by forcing him to act excited.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2023 14:37

betterangels · 14/12/2023 14:34

It's fine to be excited. It's unreasonable to expect him to feel the same when he still has work to do. It's even more unreasonable to keep asking him whether he is excited or not. It must drive him nuts.

Beautifully put. There's nothing at all wrong with you feeling excited but you can't expect him to behave exactly as you are. And it's a bit worrying that you interpret this as him going off you.

In healthy relationships people allow one another to feel the emotions they feel without judgement or trying to shoehorn them into an acceptable form of emotional expression. As long as those emotions don't tip into unkind behaviour.

If you expect him always to react in the same way you do you're going to be frequently disappointed. He is his own person and feels things as he feels them and that's fine. You're not exactly the same.

HikingforScenery · 14/12/2023 14:37

You need to calm down. Your poor DH. I’d be pretty annoyed if my DP kept asking this question tbh

RayofSunshine18 · 14/12/2023 14:40

OP you sound very sweet and have every right to be looking forward to your holiday, BUT you used a variation of the word 'excited' 12 times in your post....!! We get it and we don't have to live with it! 😅

Your OH still has a few things he needs to iron out before he can be on board (pun completely intended!), with the way you feel, so just give him some time and some space to get to finish his bits a pieces and get to where you are. Enjoy your break.

ModestMoon · 14/12/2023 14:40

I'm like your DH, I can only process and think about one thing at a time. I can't get excited about something until the things before it are out of the way.

Blueisacolour · 14/12/2023 14:40

If someone kept asking me if I'm excited every 5 minutes it would make me a bit annoyed, especially if I had other important things on my mind. And if I explained and asked them to hold off asking me for a while, but they kept on, then I would start to feel more and more annoyed. And eventually it would actually put me off the thing that was the focus of their excitement because rather than being something to look forward to, it would become instead the thing that I kept being pestered about - that resentment would transfer over. Please just leave him alone to become excited in his own time.