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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
Jumpingthruhoops · 14/12/2023 01:55

I was agreeing with a PP, so not sure why I'm getting flamed.

I'm merely highlighting that the world is a horrible place, but even more so if you're already at a disadvantage. So it's important where possible to try and instill confidence; to reassure children with autism, SEN, or physical disabilities that they can do/be whatever they want. Not that they should pull out of the school play and/or hide at the back. Just my opinion.

Ger1atricMillennial · 14/12/2023 02:54

I am in 2 minds. I was a very anxious child, but more about exams (you couldn't get me off the stage).

On one hand part of life is doing things that we don't want to do and that's how we learn and grow. The other part is that he is 5, clearly apoplectic with fear, now you know this is an issue for him you can be prepared for next time, and maybe help him learn to deal with the anxiety in the future.

Certainly, being forced to do exams did nothing for my self-confidence, but they didn't affect my social skills as participating in group performances does.

So I think you did the best thing at the time, and now you know this is an issue you can work with the school to build up social skills and confidence in other ways.

Sirzy · 14/12/2023 05:37

Jumpingthruhoops · 14/12/2023 01:55

I was agreeing with a PP, so not sure why I'm getting flamed.

I'm merely highlighting that the world is a horrible place, but even more so if you're already at a disadvantage. So it's important where possible to try and instill confidence; to reassure children with autism, SEN, or physical disabilities that they can do/be whatever they want. Not that they should pull out of the school play and/or hide at the back. Just my opinion.

What is going to be instilled by sitting on a stage in tears petrified? What lesson will that teach?

forcing things like this is much more likely to have a lasting negative impact than listening and adjusting appropriately

SoreAndTired1 · 14/12/2023 05:41

You definitely did the right thing, and not being in the UK, I question the appropriateness of holding these Nativity plays. Schools are meant to be secular. There is no such thing as Nativity plays in my country as it wouldn't be deemed appropriate to be bringing religion into (State) schools and parents would complain about it. Not every one is Christian and it seems very inappropriate to hold it and I would have not allowed my child to participate in a religion thing anyway. I'm surprised they're even allowed to be held. Religion is like politics, best kept out of schools. My children would not be allowed to participate because of my beliefs.

Ggttl · 14/12/2023 06:15

You did the right thing. Forcing children to do things like this is totally unfair on them. No adult has to perform in a play if they don’t want to! There are certain things he will have to do but this really isn’t one of them.

Eebee96 · 14/12/2023 06:37

I had a social phobia growing up in the nineties it’s not always as simple as force someone I had this irrational fear of this particular thing happening to my face when people looked at me. I was a kid. Never told anyone. Still there a bit now

Lougle · 14/12/2023 06:45

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:24

But letting him use avoidance instead of working through it or finding an acceptable compromise (like sitting at the back so nobody can see him, which the school already suggested) won’t help him in the long run.

OP may be already working with the school to give him responsibilities in class, or have signed him up to clubs outside of school as strategies to help. Or she might just be letting him drop out of everything. The former would be far better for her son.

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The acceptable compromise was going to school as long as he didn't have to perform.

LadyBeeOfTheHive · 14/12/2023 06:48

My 5year old is getting assessed for autism and it was her nativity earlier this week, as soon as she walked into the hall she found me in the audience and refused to take part in the nativity.
I tried once to encourage her but she was having none of it so sat on my knee, singing her little heart out in the audience.

You made the choice that was right for your child, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for putting your child’s needs above anything else

BusyMum47 · 14/12/2023 06:50

rubyslippers · 13/12/2023 09:12

Your relative has no empathy or understanding for your child and their needs
You did the right thing

I agree! You & the school are working together to find small adjustments in order for your son to participate in school life with the minimum amount of stress/upset. Plus he's only 5! Your relative needs to butt out.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/12/2023 06:50

You did the right thing.

Ilovesmesomefriedchicken · 14/12/2023 06:51

You know your son best, you did the right thing for him, so long as he is happy it doesn't matter if he is different to the other kids in his class.
Happiness comes in many different forms, it doesnt always involve fitting in with the masses and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
Ignore those people telling you otherwise. Continue doing what works for your child, not what society etc say he "should" be doing x

Mamma4573 · 14/12/2023 06:54

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

By letting him try new thing slowly and when he's ready. You can't rush it when SEN.

HalebiHabibti · 14/12/2023 06:56

I have ASD and so does DS2. I think you did the right thing considering his age. He has a long time to get used to the concept of nativities and school in general, and may be happier to participate in future. He has an idea of what it all is like now so that fear of the unknown is to an extent reduced. That relative may have a small point about avoidance in general over time, but in this case I don't think they were right.

decionsdecisions62 · 14/12/2023 06:57

My daughter has autism and adhd. At 15 she developed panic disorder and depression caused by constantly trying to be in situations she was struggling in. It's not 'being weak' or 'lacking resilience'. She has amazing resilience. She's braver than anyone I know. For her a school assembly was like climbing Everest. She did it 50 times but then couldn't one day. Could you climb Everest every day fifty times?

Trust your own intuition as a parent. I wish I had and not listened to individuals who think children are being weak.

Mamma4573 · 14/12/2023 07:00

Jumpingthruhoops · 14/12/2023 01:55

I was agreeing with a PP, so not sure why I'm getting flamed.

I'm merely highlighting that the world is a horrible place, but even more so if you're already at a disadvantage. So it's important where possible to try and instill confidence; to reassure children with autism, SEN, or physical disabilities that they can do/be whatever they want. Not that they should pull out of the school play and/or hide at the back. Just my opinion.

It is important to instill confidence over time but you take tiny little steps. So this step was that he went to school and watched the Nativity fit the first time. He also advocated for himself that he didn't want to do it - that is too be celebrated rather than masking and suffering through it.

Because of their SEN you can't rush it. If you force it you just make their anxiety worse and make it even harder to build that confidence.

Katemax82 · 14/12/2023 07:05

LadyBeeOfTheHive · 14/12/2023 06:48

My 5year old is getting assessed for autism and it was her nativity earlier this week, as soon as she walked into the hall she found me in the audience and refused to take part in the nativity.
I tried once to encourage her but she was having none of it so sat on my knee, singing her little heart out in the audience.

You made the choice that was right for your child, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for putting your child’s needs above anything else

My 5 year old son is also being assessed, he won't take part in anything in church just sits with me while I watch his older sister.

Sausage1989 · 14/12/2023 07:10

Couldn't get a 5yr old to school?? Pick them up, carry them there and take them?

Lougle · 14/12/2023 07:10

My DD has ASD and is completely ruined by years of people thinking she should 'just join in' and she has been in therapy for over a year. We are just seeing glimmers of her starting to be able to say 'no' to things. It is damaging to make children ignore their discomfort.

As adults, we carve a life that we can tolerate. Children are expected to be a homogenous mass because it's easier for the adults around them if they just do what everyone else does.

Sausage1989 · 14/12/2023 07:11

Katemax82 · 14/12/2023 07:05

My 5 year old son is also being assessed, he won't take part in anything in church just sits with me while I watch his older sister.

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Lol you can't exactly fault him for not taking part in anything in Church 😂that's hardly a sign of anything.. other than common sense.

FaiIureToLunch · 14/12/2023 07:23

No you’re completely right and I’ve done similar with my asd son

LlynTegid · 14/12/2023 07:28

Hope the assessment can lead to the support you need, as it will not be good for your DS if he is opting out of things on a routine basis.

Katemax82 · 14/12/2023 07:33

Sausage1989 · 14/12/2023 07:11

Lol you can't exactly fault him for not taking part in anything in Church 😂that's hardly a sign of anything.. other than common sense.

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The school is tiny so everything is in church but fair enough

Tryingtobedifferent · 14/12/2023 07:35

I think you did the right thing!
I hate it when kids are forced to do something inconsequential that they really don't want to do.
When my son was about 5/6 there was a school trip to the cinema. He didn't want to go, hated the cinema (the noise, the dark, the expectation to sit still for the duration of a film) and said that he wanted to stay at school and help out in nursery. I told them he wasn't going and got an arsey teacher telling me that if he stayed behind then a member of staff would have to miss out and stay with him. I stopped myself from arguing about it and just asked if he could go into nursery to help. He did and he had a great day and since then has regularly helped in nursery. I could never have forced him to go, I would have took a day off if necessary and kept him at home. You know your own child, and even at a young age they know their own limitations

TheAirbender · 14/12/2023 07:36

Sending a neurodiverse child in to this situation is NOT how to build their resilience. It’s teaching them to mask. OP you did the right thing.

SaffronSpice · 14/12/2023 07:56

SoreAndTired1 · 14/12/2023 05:41

You definitely did the right thing, and not being in the UK, I question the appropriateness of holding these Nativity plays. Schools are meant to be secular. There is no such thing as Nativity plays in my country as it wouldn't be deemed appropriate to be bringing religion into (State) schools and parents would complain about it. Not every one is Christian and it seems very inappropriate to hold it and I would have not allowed my child to participate in a religion thing anyway. I'm surprised they're even allowed to be held. Religion is like politics, best kept out of schools. My children would not be allowed to participate because of my beliefs.

Many schools in the uk are denominational (church of England, Catholic, a few other faiths), the others are non-denominational not secular (though in practice most are). Historically it has also been a Christian country and it is still the majority faith with the main festivities tied up with Christianity. It certainly a significant part of our culture and language. School Nativity plays tell an approximation of the Christmas story but have never, in my experience, been acts of worship.

They also learn about significant festivals of other religions such as Eid, Diwali, Passover.