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Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
Mumandmee · 14/12/2023 19:39

As a mother of a child in a similar situation I would say you did the right thing. The idea that we even have a choice in “teaching” our ASD kids these skills by forcing them to go through with specific situations is laughable. Just get a long as best as you can and hopefully you’ll have a handful of enjoyable situations along the way. And also - how lucky to have such a lovely teacher that your child is happy to go on a school trip and feels safe with this person in a foreign environment.

Blades2 · 14/12/2023 19:43

My dd has ASD and we had similar situations, especially with interfering family members and their unwanted comments.
You know your DS best, and making him uncomfortable with suspected ASD would just be cruel

you got this mama

OtsyBotsy90 · 14/12/2023 19:43

I have a child, 12 who has ASD. I used to pull him out of things if he didn’t want to do it, exactly as you have done. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do. Now, he really struggles to be around his peers and I do wonder whether I should have encouraged joining in and ‘getting on with it’ to a point obviously. So from this point of view. Teaching him he might be scared and he might find it hard but he should join in. Find a way to help him. It’s a long hard road xxx

Lopoem · 14/12/2023 19:57

Having witnessed a little boy (who is on the spectrum) at DD year 1 nativity, curled up with his head on the teachers lap crying with his hands over his ears, you definitely did the right thing. One day he might be ready for that sort of thing or he might not. Pushing him if he is not is never going to help and maybe extremely traumatic for him.

MadMadaMim · 14/12/2023 20:01

You did the right thing. Your child. You know best.

As he gets older, I would definitely work on compromise - we all have to be in uncomfortable situations regardless of whether we are ND or not.

Floralsofa · 14/12/2023 20:12

I'm not autistic but as a child had horrific anxiety with Christmas plays. I still did it every year and I still have stage fright, I don't think being put through it helped much!

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/12/2023 20:19

DS has ASD and ADHD. At 5 there was lots he couldn't cope with. Now 15 he has amazing resilience and has sung solos at school performances. If your DS is anxious about doing something completely optional at his age, then you are absolutely right to let him do something else.

Over time he will learn what he's comfortable with and what he isn't. But you don't want to scare him off stuff at such a young age - you did exactly the right thing.

Julimia · 14/12/2023 20:21

But that deloping of resilience needs starting now if not sooner. So does being part of a group and not being the only person who matters.

Newsenmum · 14/12/2023 20:28

Anxiety and sensory overload with autism is different to a child who is generally anxious and shy. Forcing him to do it would have caused him more problems imo. I also find it hard to know what to do a lot of time (son is similar).

Newsenmum · 14/12/2023 20:28

Julimia · 14/12/2023 20:21

But that deloping of resilience needs starting now if not sooner. So does being part of a group and not being the only person who matters.

He’s autistic. I promise you it’s different.

Newsenmum · 14/12/2023 20:30

Nonplusultra · 14/12/2023 08:02

Trust me your child already has incredible resilience. He’s dealing with a plethora of issues that NTs cannot imagine.

Listening, validating, responding and advocating are teaching him that he is valued, that his struggles are real and that he is worthy of consideration, love and respect. And that’s how you build up good self esteem and resilience.

My ds is 15 now, beyond nativity plays, and a member of the school debating team. He’s doing really well, because he can advocate for his needs and he recognises when he needs to pace himself so that he doesn’t burn out.

Exactly this. Every day is harder for him than most of the other kids in his class. It makes me sad that there are people on this thread who still don’t get that.

MacMom · 14/12/2023 20:32

You’re doing the right thing. We had the same sort of thing happen when our eldest did his Nativity (he’s 21 now!). Because of his advanced reading ability (something we’ve since found out was one of his ASD traits) his teacher had him down as narrator. He didn’t want to do it, but I put it down to nerves and said he’d be ok. He threw up mid reading and that brought on anxiety that has been a massive part of his life ever since. Please don’t listen to other people - you do whatever you think is right for your son

llizzie · 14/12/2023 20:37

Is he being bullied by someone in the class? It sounds as though he may have a reason not to want to join in with the class. Children usually like to dress up, but there is nothing wrong if he really doesn't want to be a part and is not being bullied. One of my sons learned all the children's parts in a school play, and recited them off by heart to me when he came home, even mimicking the characters voices, but he did not want to be part of the play.

Mumumumumum555 · 14/12/2023 20:49

A lot of ND children (and children generally) struggle with changes to routine, and when you add in strange people, costumes this can just make it worse.
My son has ASD and sometimes refuses to do things. School practice changes to routine with him but still it happens. I think you did the right thing. You don’t want your son to associate school with negativity, and really what else could you do?

Frazzledstar1 · 14/12/2023 21:04

My eldest has ASD, and I would have done the same as you. Their brains simply do not process things in the same way a neurotypical brain does, therefore forcing him to do something he simply cannot cope with will not help him build “resilience” or “character”.

My son has never been keen on anything that draws attention to him, so nativity, carols, sports day, big birthday events etc are just all too much for him.

He still has friendships and gets involved in plenty of other school activities, so don’t worry OP.

AuntMarch · 14/12/2023 21:06

I think it was handled beautifully. Nobody should be forced onto a stage! 2 children in my sons nativity found it too much and went to join their parents instead. I was really pleased that they weren't made to stay on stage - reassuring to know your child's teachers are kind and empathetic!

Startyabastard · 14/12/2023 21:08

Doing something in parts and either support and guidance, maybe helping him to calm down and regulate is different to doing not at all or doing the activity with no help for the poster that says he won't develop resilience.
I needed help at school and never got it and I want children to have better than me.

MaraisCinnamon · 14/12/2023 21:19

You absolutely did the right thing. You listened to your child and responded to his needs. It has nothing to do with your relative. Tell them that you are his mother and it's for you to decide what's best.

FindingNeverland28 · 14/12/2023 21:32

You absolutely did the right thing. I’m a teacher and we’ve just had our Xmas concert. If any of the children in my class were that upset at the thought of going on stage that they didn’t want to go to school, I’d be suggesting to the parents that they sit this one out. You wouldn’t make an adult to get up on stage if they didn’t want to, so why make a child?

DC2008 · 14/12/2023 21:44

Oh gosh, the number of replies that show zero understanding of ASD 😯

Ukrainebaby23 · 14/12/2023 21:46

Encouraging him to do stuff that stretches him is one thing, forcing him to do something he hated is another thing entirely.

You know you did the right thing, it's just how to deal with relies. Probably same issue in a weird way.

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 21:51

It's not about resilience, it's about working with situations that he can manage. 3 autistic sons plus me. The layered noise of people, children etc in the hall, plus lighting can really drive them crazy. One of mine would curl up in a ball and sob at people clapping, so he would not attend assembly. He was lucky to get a place in one of the best asd schools in Europe. They totally changed how I approached things with him. He has gone from a scared 5 year old who would only speak to his one to one for 3 years, to a happy 18 year old happy in college.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 14/12/2023 21:51

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

Agree with this.
Fine now and then but not sitting out every time he wants to.
There was a lost here bit long ago about a couple who couldn't do anything without their grown up soon as he always wanted to tag along, sit with them etc.
There's a balance to be had.
I feel the best approach is to train kids for the eventuality of you not being around.

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 21:53

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 14/12/2023 21:51

Agree with this.
Fine now and then but not sitting out every time he wants to.
There was a lost here bit long ago about a couple who couldn't do anything without their grown up soon as he always wanted to tag along, sit with them etc.
There's a balance to be had.
I feel the best approach is to train kids for the eventuality of you not being around.

Show quote history

Are you autistic. Have you ever wondered why supermarkets have special times with bo music and lowered lights for them? Don't spout crap ffs.

GUARDIAN1 · 14/12/2023 21:55

You have my sympathy OP. My 6 y/o granddaughter is in the process of being assessed for ADHD (and I'll be astonished if she doesn't get a confirmed diagnosis). You know your child best and I think you did the right thing. ADHD, as with other neurodevelopmental conditions, is so misunderstood by many people who don't have it, or don't have children who have it. You are a great advocate for your little one. Stick to your guns mama. You know best.