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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to pull him out of the Nativity?

368 replies

cantsleepinbed · 13/12/2023 09:11

DS is five and in year one. The school have referred him for an ASD assessment that we have in January.

He was really scared about doing the Nativity and said he doesn't like people looking at him. I spoke to the school and they said they'd put him at the back with the older children so people couldn't see him.

He seemed happy with that until the day of the Nativity. He refused to go to School. The only way I could get him there was by telling him he didn't have to do it all. Spoke to the school when we got there. All fine. They let him sit in the older class who weren't doing the Nativity.

DS loved going in the older class. Perfectly happy.

But I've since had comments from a relative who thinks I made a mistake and that DS needed to just get on with it. That I'm othering him. He'll end up with no friends as he'll be forgotten, overlooked, etc. If he keeps missing all the stuff the other kids are doing. He'll be different and that will exclude and isolate him.

I do undstand their point but also, I didn't want DS to be unhappy and I couldn't bloody get him to school. What was I supposed to do?

Other things include not sitting with his class when they went to the panto as he was petrified so had to sit at the back with his favourite teacher. Won't do sports day, etc.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 21:59

Sorry for getting uppity, but uniformed people's opinions drive me mad.

Biffathesniffa · 14/12/2023 22:03

OP, I say this with kindness; It doesn't matter that he missed his nativity.

You did what you felt was right today. It will have no bearing what so ever on his future.

Maybe he will join in next year. Maybe he won't.

Maybe he will have a diagnosis and you'll be making adaptations throughout his school life to make him comfortable.

But this really isn't a big deal. Please don't worry. (And ignore your relative !)

Samsung37 · 14/12/2023 22:04

I totally agree with your course of action, and I would have done the same. Forcing kids to do something that makes them distressed can be a trauma in itself. Be led by your little boy. You know him best - don’t listen to relatives. You have his best interests at heart so don’t doubt yourself.

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 22:04

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

I feel the best approach is to train kids for the eventuality of you not being around.

I agree. Train the autism out of him. Train the disability away. Train, train, train. You can do it OP. Fuck any progress we have made fighting for the rights and accommodations for disabled people, just bloody train them properly ffs.

TeaGinandFags · 14/12/2023 22:13

Bless!

He's only 5
He's still a baby.

He can be big and brave later.

NannaKaren · 14/12/2023 22:14

You did the right thing for your DC

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 14/12/2023 22:19

Talk to older autistic people and ask them if they benefited from no body making adjustments to suit their needs.

WillowCraft · 14/12/2023 22:24

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 14/12/2023 21:51

Agree with this.
Fine now and then but not sitting out every time he wants to.
There was a lost here bit long ago about a couple who couldn't do anything without their grown up soon as he always wanted to tag along, sit with them etc.
There's a balance to be had.
I feel the best approach is to train kids for the eventuality of you not being around.

Show quote history

Confidence and resilience is not built by being forced to do things against your will. They are built by being given the chance to solve your own problems and take responsibility for your own decisions, without too much adult interference. Encouraging a nervous child is one thing, forcing them is another.

In this situation I think a discussion with the child (well in advance) about what the play will entail, how they feel about it, what could make them feel better better about it etc, would be a good idea. If the suggestion from the child is staying at home altogether but they agree to go to school that day even though they feel worried, I think that's a win in this scenario. Then keeping alert for opportunities to build confidence in less scary situations. Feeling in control is really important for a child's confidence.

And let's face it a nativity play or sports day or similar are the kind of things most adults would prefer not to do, they are not something that's worth forcing the issue. I would work on things like putting hand up in class or maybe doing a short reading in assembly.

I think parents who feel extreme disappointment when their child can't or won't achieve something that is completely non essential and just for show, have their own issues and need to get a hobby.

WillowCraft · 14/12/2023 22:28

beautifullittletree · 14/12/2023 22:04

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

I feel the best approach is to train kids for the eventuality of you not being around.

I agree. Train the autism out of him. Train the disability away. Train, train, train. You can do it OP. Fuck any progress we have made fighting for the rights and accommodations for disabled people, just bloody train them properly ffs.

Even for a non autistic child that's a ridiculous idea. Who trains their 5 year old for being an orphan?? And why would being in a nativity play benefit an orphan anyway????

Zerosleep · 14/12/2023 22:30

It sounds to me like you have people who don’t have a clue trying to advise you. If your child is autistic then they have a different neurotype and they will like different things and being forced to be in the situations you describe will be hugely detrimental and cause a lot of anxiety. Trust your own judgement, do what you feel is right. You are the expert in your child!

Genevieve29 · 14/12/2023 22:40

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

You clearly have no understanding of the child's needs. My (diagnosed ASD) DD was like this in Primary school - hated being in front of an audience, scared about things happening on stage (out of her control/comfort zone), At school plays, even when she KNEW it was just one of her teachers dressed up, she was still scared and needed to leave the room. She is now in Y8, (mainstream), and has developed confidence and resilience by knowing that the adults in her life support her and listen to her. She has in the past year taken part in 2 stage productions, in one of which she had a speaking part. Next week she will be singing a small solo in church at her school's carol service. OP, you are doing the right thing. ASD kids do not miraculously grow a hard shell if exposed to their fears. They do, however learn to "mask", to the detriment of their MH.

Wooky073 · 14/12/2023 23:15

Crababbles · 13/12/2023 09:13

The more you let him opt out, the less confidence and resilience he’s building. How do you plan to help him get those skills?

When anxiety is at the core then it wont at all develop resilience it will crush his confidence. He is only 5 years old and very nervous of many things. Attending to his needs is the right thing to do until he grows in confidence at his own pace rather than being forced into anxiety provoking situations

Mamanyt · 14/12/2023 23:35

Bottom line here...having a meltdown on stage would not have done one single thing for his conifidence. Your relative has no clue about how to handle a child who is on the ASD spectrum. I applaud you for looking out for your child's best interests, even when that is not the "norm!"

blondieminx · 14/12/2023 23:57

You definitely did the right thing.

He’s 5. There will be other nativity’s. He’s awaiting assessment and you are giving him grace and time, and all of us need a bit more of that especially at this hectic time of the year.

i hope you have a lovely Christmas.

onetwobucklemyshoethreefourknockonthedoor · 15/12/2023 00:30

At five years It’s quite overwhelming for the kids. I’ve been to my kids and there’s always a few children crying or clinging to a teacher or crying for their mum. It’s all forgotten after the play. I think it’s nice you listened to your son. Once they get older they learn to handle things differently.

CreativeNeurodivergent · 15/12/2023 03:58

Kids will feel safer to explore new things to build confidence etc if they know they have the backing of their parents to get out if needed, or to do things a little differently, so I think you did the right thing. If kids aren't given the support to attend this kind of thing with lower pressure it stops them wanting to go at all.

Poseypops · 15/12/2023 07:03

this was in reply to the post about failing to build resilience:- Why do you think this? I think all of the research evidence around ASD suggests that the more you force ‘conforming’ the great anxiety that develops and untangling this in later life causes problems.

Emduck84 · 15/12/2023 08:39

Advocating for your child is the important thing here! You absolutely did the right thing. I had so many instances when I was at school and was in a similar position to your DS and my parents didn’t do that for me. I felt lost and traumatised and I assure anyone that forcing a child to do something they are scared of does not build resilience, it traumatises them and builds a huge level of mistrust in people who are supposed to be there to support them.

I’ll get off my high horse now! You absolutely did the right thing!

Jumpmom1 · 15/12/2023 09:13

Absolutely not. You are 100% right to have done this. Well done Mamma!!!!!! Xx

pollymere · 15/12/2023 10:25

He is still small. It's maybe something he can try to achieve next year with the right support. Otherwise you totally did the right thing and your relative needs to check the Century they are living in...

JustMyView13 · 15/12/2023 10:36

You done what was best for your child in the moment, and as a parent that’s all you can ever do. Nobody else’s opinion matters. It’s so easy with the benefit of hindsight for people to say they’d have done different, but would they really in the moment? Only you know, love & understand your child. You can only do your best as a parent, and that truly is enough.

Veggievic · 15/12/2023 10:40

You did the right thing. My son has always been like this. Hes now 12 and ASD diagnosed. By the last couple of years of primary he would join in with group singing as he felt comfortable by then.
Now at secondary he is being “encouraged” to take part in drama performances to his classmates. He is very anxious about this and refuses.
I don’t know why schools are so obsessed with making children do things in front of their peers its like you must all be extroverted or else its a negative.
if everyone was extroverted life would be a bloody nightmare!!

lunamoonindistar · 15/12/2023 10:43

From a fellow SEN Mam (my daughter is nearly 6 diagnosed at the start of the year with ADHD ASD SPD) currently in mainstream school, I kept her off school for her reception Nativity, which was my choice. She had previously took part in a Easter show which resulted in a meltdown, it was so distressing for her and just as so for me watching feeling helpless from the audience.
I felt really sad that I, her Dad and GP's wouldn't get to see her in her first Nativity (and didn't hear the end of it from her Dad or grandparents, until I put them straight explaining they didn't have to see how distressed she was at the Easter show!) however I put the needs of my child first, as no one knows their Child like their Mama, I would have put her through the nativity for selfish reasons, I don't regret my choice.
Fast forward a year she is now in year one and she is trying the Nativity for the grandparents show today, her teachers now understand her needs better and if it gets too much, she will be allowed back to the quiet and calm of the classroom, with support of a TA.
Never ever underestimate your instinct as no one knows him or his needs better than you. You've got this! 💪

Newsenmum · 15/12/2023 12:22

lunamoonindistar · 15/12/2023 10:43

From a fellow SEN Mam (my daughter is nearly 6 diagnosed at the start of the year with ADHD ASD SPD) currently in mainstream school, I kept her off school for her reception Nativity, which was my choice. She had previously took part in a Easter show which resulted in a meltdown, it was so distressing for her and just as so for me watching feeling helpless from the audience.
I felt really sad that I, her Dad and GP's wouldn't get to see her in her first Nativity (and didn't hear the end of it from her Dad or grandparents, until I put them straight explaining they didn't have to see how distressed she was at the Easter show!) however I put the needs of my child first, as no one knows their Child like their Mama, I would have put her through the nativity for selfish reasons, I don't regret my choice.
Fast forward a year she is now in year one and she is trying the Nativity for the grandparents show today, her teachers now understand her needs better and if it gets too much, she will be allowed back to the quiet and calm of the classroom, with support of a TA.
Never ever underestimate your instinct as no one knows him or his needs better than you. You've got this! 💪

Edited

I completely agree. It’s not like we sit here wanting this. I’m personally gutted not to do the little birthday parties I always planned but my son can’t cope with them so we don’t do it. The child comes first and it’s a whole new rulebook when they’re ND. For those who don’t get it, feel lucky it’s not something you have to worry about.

lunamoonindistar · 15/12/2023 12:53

Aw yes, throw all 'traditional' parenting advice out the window and most importantly, find your tribe who truly get it! And as for those who don't get it, I 100% agree that they should feel lucky they don't have this worry!