For wanting a break after working all year

[Blacksmithpepper]

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

Yeah you need to spend as much of the time you’re in the Uk as possible with the kids, and prioritise them as much as you can. Show them that they are your priority and that you will be with them as much as you’re able.

Youll be able to have a break all day whilst they’re at school if you’re not working.

And I guess the girlfriend is child less? (A bit like your ex was before you came along)

She has given up her body, her career, her freedom for your JOINT children. You sod off with another woman and then expect that paying some bills makes it ok?! I cannot believe this level of sexism still exists.

Disgraceful .Paying the bills is nothing compared to what she does day in and day out.

Would you give up work and look after your children 24/7 if your ex took a job overseas and "paid all the bills"? What about if she came back every year for a few weeks to spend some time with the children (that she loves) and even do some of the school drop offs and pick ups?

Nah, I thought you wouldn't.

You don’t get a break from being a parent, in fact you have alot of breaks when you are abroad for months…. I’ve been at work all day, I’m now up all night with poorly children, don’t I get a break after working? Don’t see it as helping ex, see it as spending every precious second with your kids, they deserve it

Quite honestly, I know plenty of parents (mainly dads) who work abroad but have good relationships with their kids. Because when they are home they are completely present. And most come home often.

You coming home for a break to introduce the woman you had an affair with to your family and having a break but not prioritising them is awful. They won’t care you paid for their mum to be a stay at home mum until they went to school. Your time at home is when you should be spending as much time with them as possible, engaged in their lives.

and what happens when they are both in full time school and you divorce. Are you going to pay her spousal support forever? Or will she go back to work? Child support payments don’t last forever so she needs to work in preparation for when then that stops. I am also sure that you would soon get sick of paying all the bills and her living costs and won’t support her forever. You financing them having their mum at home til they are 5 won’t matter to them as teens who feel you don’t give a shit and think paying money out is enough.

You say you work 100 hours a week. And spend your days off sleeping and travelling. Travelling for work? So you don’t get to see your girlfriend either? You barely know her so why prioritise her? Or do you mean travelling to and from seeing her?

Do you only get home in January? Did you do that when you were with your wife. Just a few weeks home every year?

Soon your wife will (I assume) be working and looking after the kids. Will you make sure you get home more often for her break? Or are you wealthy enough she never has to work again? And are you going to give it as a lump sum so she doesn’t have to depend on you sending her money every month? It will actually be her own money?

I am not saying you should do them all. But you should be heavily involved in their lives. Their day to day lives. It sounds like you cheated and instead of dealing with what you did you just throw money at the situation and stepped right back to not deal with the situation or its consequences. And that you can be a good dad by just paying money out.

Hahaha! 🤣

That's your choice, your ex works 24/7 no breaks. I'm sure your kids would rather a parent to cash?

I certainly don’t think you should only be seeing the kids for only 2 out of the 6 weeks if that’s what you are planning, you should be spending quality time with them for some of each week you are there imo.

However re the school runs, is your ex asking you to do drop off and pick up every single day? If so, I don’t personally think that’s particularly fair, necessary or classed as quality time especially if you are not that local. Why not suggest pickups one week and drop offs another. That way you are seeing them each day, giving the ex some time off but also getting time to rest and do other things/see other people. Obviously if they are staying with you during the week, you should be doing both the. It’s not really clear what the arrangement is.

You do deserve a rest too and getting up early doors of your 6 weeks off every day is not particularly fair I don’t think, nor is that a particular time slot of the day for quality time I don’t think. Why not suggest 3 weeks of drop offs and 3 weeks of pick ups?

Firstly you will get torn to pieces here… 😅

you sound like you are providing for your kids the best way you know how which is financially… and in that capacity you are offering a lot more than many would.
BUT your children will want and need your time and attention too and you should be prioritising them above your girlfriend right now. Their family unit collapsed less than a year ago.

school run is 7-9ish and 3-5ish so 4 hours out of 24 for only 70% of the week…and that’s a generous over estimate.

It’s not clear how far /long the commute is to do pick up drop off…if you can do a 2 hour round trip ie a hours each day… then personally I would try and do a good amount of the school runs if not all of them.

Not for your ex but for your children. Your kids will be SOOO excited to see you.

School pick up is also great for bonding with them.
my mum always used to ask me “ tell me at least one great thing about your day” and “ tell me one bad thing about your day” when she was able to pick me up (she worked FT so it was rare-ish) I still remember it now as I felt like she cared and was interested.
You can also maybe take them someplace nice or fun after school one or two of the days each week

Yanbu. Picking them up when seeing them after school makes sense. But travelling purely to drop them off is pointless. Unless mum has an appointment that she needs you to do drop off for then the logical thing is for her to rather than you travelling, spending a couple of minutes with them on the way in and then travelling back again.

It sounds like this cash is enabling them to have a consistent primary caregiver.
Likely better off seeing dad occasionally and having mum always available than being in childcare afterschool and for large chunks of school holidays while both parents work.
Also don't underestimate how important money is for a childhood. Easy to underestimate the value of experiences which cost money if you take it for granted.

How do you see your relationship with your kids in the future? Do you want to be close to them? Your presence throughout their lives will impact this hugely. If they are just an inconvenience to you then they will understand this as they grow up.

’loving your kids’ is not enough. You need to show them that by being present when you can.

If you are planning to remain in this role indefinitely then clearly you are not going to see a lot of your kids. I agree with a previous poster that taking over doing drop offs and pick ups for a few weeks then not seeing them for months at a time is just likely to be confusing and upsetting.

Whether you are unreasonable is rather dependent on whether you are saying no to drop offs/pick ups because it’s a fairly impractical way to see more of the kids or because you just want all the free time to yourself. Aside from over the Christmas break what other time do you plan to spend with them?

I would suggest the issue is that you work too hard to allow your exW to not have to work. If the kids are in school then she needs to get a job. Then you won't have to work so much, then when you do see the kids you won't be exhausted and you can pick them up from school, spend more time with them, etc.
If you work abroad how do you maintain a relationship with the girlfriend?

I'm in the minority here, but you sound ok to me op.
Obviously not an ideal situation, but it never is.
You don't live locally so although you're coming "home," how would these school drop offs etc work anyway? Also, you haven't been broke up that long, would it not be confusing for your children if you reappear, start taking them to school, then go away again?
I would think you and your ex just need to have a conversation and make a plan, the school drop offs won't work, but something else will and of course you want to spend time with your children. Just try and compromise with eachother so everyone is happy (ish).
Maybe take them away for a week or two? Good luck!

So when does your ex get a break from being a full time parent?

Definitely help out with the school runs when you can. Your ex maybe a SAHM but doesn't mean she has a life of Riley. It's hard work parenting and she can't get much time to herself either. You both time out before burn out, so devise a plan or rota. Your children will be over the moon if you're taking ir picking them up from school and these years don't last long before they don't need you doing this anymore.

None of my Dad’s girlfriends are still around but I have a very close relationship with my Dad and he has always been a very good father. I was important to him and he took the opportunity to do the practical stuff with me when he could. Don’t undervalue the role your children could have in your life. This is nothing to do with your ex.

How far away from the kids do you live when you’re back in the U.K.? 30 mins away is quite far yet doable for pick ups/drop offs. However, if it’s 2 hours away, then not so much. You may have to suggest you and the gf get an local Airbnb for a week and do the pick ups from there.

interested to know if you were already working abroad or left once the relationship ended!!! Why can’t you move back to be nearer to your children!!! She can then also get a job.

You might be “paying the bills” but your ex is enabling you to have the career you have without ever having to consider childcare or your children’s needs so you absolutely should be paying her for that.

You should also want to spend time with your kids but as you clearly don’t it would probably be better and less damaging to them to not see them at all.

Nothing about the OP gives any confidence this will happen.

The kids will get a couple of trips / meals out max.

What about your family OP? Do they see the kids?

Hit every branch on the way down through the scum bag tree didn't you?

Yes you should be doing the school runs because these are the crap bits of parenting - the race out the door, the carrying all the bags, remembering the PE kit or to buy school disco tickets. You don't get to reappear, be a Disney dad and chuck money at the kids to make them like you for a bit before prioritizing banging your girlfriend.

I don't blame your ex for not going back to work straight away, imagine all the stuff she's got to deal with. Hopefully she can use her time off wisely and make a plan for herself going forward.

I can see why you're an ex. What a shitty dad you are. A decent man would jump at the chance to be part of his kids'day to day life.