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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting a break after working all year

384 replies

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:48

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

OP posts:
sarah65ishere · 16/12/2023 17:03

firstly, just spend any time you can with your kids when you get back in Jan. you get one chance to be dad, where you can, be the best dad you can be.
as a child raised in the shadow of my dad's girlfriends, I'd advise you strongly to identify and reflect upon what drives you to spend more time with gf than your children? and most importantly, why can't you spend time with both? any woman or man coming into a relationship where there are children needs to be able to commit to and accommodate them, if they can't, are they really a good fit for yiu and your girls? in my mind, your girlfriend should be, where appropriate, be part of the time together rather than keeping then separate.
you may work your arse off but on your death bed will you be saying "I wish I put more time in at work" or "I wish I put more time into my girls"

Justanothermum42 · 16/12/2023 23:48

How do you show that love? With expensive Xmas presents and then buggering off with gf? Find a rental close to your ex. Spend everyday with your kids. Honestly, grow up and be a real father.

mustardrarebit · 17/12/2023 13:40

Would you still be doing this job if you didn't have kids? Probably. You have kids. Factor them into your life as a priority, not an afterthought. Shoulder some of the mental load for your ex. Improve your relationship with her for the sake of your kids over the long term. The gf is not important. This is a new relationship, she doesn't need to be involved with the kids right now. They need to know their dad WANTS to spend time with them and actively seeks it out, not that they are a burden.

Tiredmama53 · 17/12/2023 13:41

God you're just like my Dad. He worked abroad long hours as well, also cheated on my mum (and the next two wives, we're on wife number 4 now so we'll see how that one goes.). In exactly the same way as you he prioritised himself and never gave my mum a break, was never there for the important stuff like dchool plays and sports days and I don't think the other kids at school even realised I had a Dad because he never did any drop off or pick ups. All his kids now hate him and now we're older and don't need his money no-one speaks to him. This relationship will ultimately fail and he'll die a sad lonely man, loaded but with no real connections.

That's your future. I'd say try harder and spend some time with your kids but the fact that you don't even really want to says everything.

wronginalltherightways · 17/12/2023 13:55

Emblepaws · 16/12/2023 06:57

Not being funny - she’s not asking him to spend time with them, she’s asking him to run errands. The guy isn’t saying he doesn’t want to see them and spend quality time with them. He’s saying he doesn’t want to commute to ferry them to school and back twice a day. And I am completely with him on that. He’s being used.

You are being funny. You're basic reenforcing the thought amongst many that divorced dads only have to be 'Disney Dads' while mums get the drudgery and day-to-day life of parenting

Mumtryingtolivethedream · 17/12/2023 14:08

NIClaire · 15/12/2023 10:24

If your ex is a stay at home Mum, why does she need you to do drops off etc? You already do a lot for her financially by paying her bills. Which, tbh, if I was your girlfriend I wouldn't be happy about. She's your ex wife, aside from child support, and stuff for the kids, you should not be paying her bills. What does she do everyday while the kids are in primary school for 6 hours?

You are entitled to a break, especially if the reason you work so much is to pay for your ex to sit on her bum most of the day for 5 days a week.

Because she wants him to parent which is what he should be doing not just there for fun times but out actually doing the mundane stuff.
If you live abroad why would you come home and only spend a couple of weeks out of a month with your kids and choose to stay 2hrs away from them.
He says accommodation is expensive here yet when in the states he finds money to fly to other states to visit his girlfriend and money to holiday with her for a few weeks. Sounds like he spends a reasonable amount of time seeing his girlfriend as he says their relationship is good he should put the same effort in to his kids.
He's not a dad he's a monetary sponsor.
The youngest on reading the posts isn't at full time school yet.

AnonoMisss · 17/12/2023 17:44

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:12

I do not think people often understand my schedule. I work 100 hour weeks and any days off I have are often spent sleeping and travelling.

To be honest its probably the kids who don't understand it

Zoomom · 18/12/2023 08:34

I love how he has “enabled” her to be a SAHM. It probably works to his advantage tbh- being able to work abroad and not having to pay for a nanny 24/7 back home which would be the alternate (and a nanny wouldn’t even cover all the tasks a SAHM would). I assume this is part of the reason the ex is a SAHM and has custody. She’s actually enabling him to go wherever his career takes him while he can still have the joy of children whenever he pleases.

cassy16 · 21/12/2023 10:45

Having a holiday with your girlfriend and no children and having a holiday still being mum are two entirely different things and you sound horrendous

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