For wanting a break after working all year

[Blacksmithpepper]

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

So, I've read your comments and think yabvu. Let's put aside the issue of the fact that your ex has taken on all the responsibility and work for the family that you decided to create together, and is literally on 24/7, and think about your kids. You don't seem to be prioritising them or taking any responsibility for them whatsoever other than throwing cash at them from a distance. Whether your ex works is largely irrelevant, maybe she could look for a job but given that she's a single parent it would need to be very flexible. Unless you're going to suddenly be around to pick them up if they are ill, cover half the 13 weeks they get off every year, pick them up at 3pm on the days after school club is cancelled, go to the Nativity at school at 10am on a Thursday, go to sports day, turn up to the open classroom on a Friday morning, cover the random inset days?

I'll give you some perspective as the adult child of a dad who worked abroad to earn loads of money and never spent any time with me or my brother and prioritised his girlfriends when he did have time off. Firstly, don't fool yourself that you're doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself. If they had a choice between extra money and a present father, they'd pick you. So the "I earn more by working away" thing is still selfish. Presumably, you could earn a living and live nearby and see them all the time, but you're choosing not to. Acknowledge that. Then, when you do get time off you're usually spending it with the woman you left their mother for, not them. Again, think about how that impacts them. Then, when you finally do come back to this country you stay hours away and think being asked to walk them to school is an imposition because you want to relax? What does that tell them about how important they are to you?

All other things aside, I'll tell you this. My dad did more or less exactly this. He and I communicate roughly twice a year by text, he has nothing to do with my brother, he's met my oldest child (5) twice and has never met my toddler. They wouldn't know it if they fell over him in the street.

Is that the relationship with your children that you want? Because it's 100% where you're headed.

Where will you be staying when you are here and how far is it from your children’s school? Have you and ex spoken about how she sees it working. What will she tell the children and how will they react to having you pick them up for some of the time for a few weeks then the arrangements stop again. Yes your ex partner is entitled to some support when you are here as she does it all the rest of the time and while you enable that financially, the money does not support the emotional toil of being 100% responsible for the children the rest of the time. She may be happy as a SAHM but equally with you working away all the time she may not have the option to even look for part time work now they are school age as all the holiday cover, sickness cover etc. falls to her and she may feel a part time job would not be able to offer that amount of flexibility. There is a whole lot more to being a dad than providing financial support. Why don’t you ask yourself how you think your children will view your contribution in 10/15 years time and how do you feel about how they may view you? Not saying that to be spiteful but so you think about the situation and long term implications.

It seems both you and your ex have pretty specific expectations of what will happen this Christmas

You: see the kids, be a good dad while I’m here, do my best to help ex, introduce GF to family and look after myself/ rest/ have a holiday;

her: ??? Get some help from you, have the children see their father not just for xmas, but also in jan and maybe: have you around for longer to see day to day what you’re missing, who knows.)

what’s the issue here is that you haven’t really talked and compared your expectations. It’s a set up for failure (for both of you) if you both expect different things to happen without voicing them, let alone check them against reality.

it’s very hard to have those convo post separations even harder if you’re never there physically and at Christmas where all expectations of everything is heightened

i’d say be an adult, prep for an open conversation- by not being defensive and
Listen- really listen to what she says (and doesn’t say) when you ask: what’s your idea of a successful time for my visit in dec/ jan given my limited time presence and our split.

Only when she feels you have actually listened and understood, will she ever have the space to comprehend you might have other priorities…

you do need to be the bigger man here because I suspect you left her in traumatic, tragic and very unoriginal circumstances, and by the sounds of it you haven’t even really processed the separation properly if you still own stuff together like the house

if you have any hope to have a working co parenting relationship with her, the sooner you start acting like an adult by inviting open honest communication the sooner you can arrive at an actual working relationship

sadly many never get there after a difficult separation

good luck and don’t listen to any advice on here where people have reached their own conclusions of who you are or who she is without any evidence provided by you :)
they’re just projecting their stuff and ideas onto you

it seems you have guilt and shame in how you ended the relationship. It would do you well to process your stuff asap so shame doesn’t get the better of you when you do talk to your ex - some people get defensive, some become agressive, some freeze
if you’re clear on your story/ your rights and wrongs, remorses and regrets and amends made and those not made yet, and own it , you will be much clearer how to act

You should definitely do a good few pick ups and drop offs, gives her a little break but qlso will be nice for your kids, they would love it I'm sure. its fair enough you want some time to do other things too. Being a sahm isn't easy, but she's not looking after a baby all day, her kids are at school so she will have some time to herself most days.

@Oscarbearsmum

’scorned wife’? What a horrible description of a women who was cheated on and left with their children while the lives the life of Riley.

What’s good authority?

Are you claiming to know the Op and whoever else is involved?

and if the facts are correct why the derogatory names for the wife? And non for him?

So you hardly ever see your kids but can't be bothered to help with a few school runs for the brief period you are actually in the same country because you'd rather go shag your girlfriend?

All we can do is hope she is sensible enough to be using ALL the contraception.

So you're saying this is a reverse?

Based on what?

@Oscarbearsmum I think you need to say what the good authority is

You should keep this post to show your children when they reach adulthood. What do you think THEY would say?

Kids are for life not just for Christmas you wally!

So you know he is a terrible father but insulted her but managed to Mention him with no insults at all. You know his family member who knows what a shit show of a father he is. But just her you needed to dig at?
Assuming we believe you, why is that?

And if she is doing it, you are right, it’s not healthy.

But also she shouldn’t need other people’s words to make him actually spend more than a couple of weeks with them. It’s not even the full two weeks.

I assume his family is offering her plenty of support since their family member has been so awful to her and shit with the kids? Especially, since they believe she is struggling and those kids are their family too

@Oscarbearsmum

Having children with someone who works away is fine. Him fucking another women and enjoying life like he’s single isn’t.

Yeah I am out.

This is weird. Scorned woman is an insult aimed at women to put them in their place when they react in a way people don't like.

You say you aren't here to turn people against the mother. But you didn't need to post at all. You could have reported the thread or just hid it. You wanted people to know its the struggling wife and to tell everyone how unhealthy her behaviour is.

You also say all the facts are right. But also there's 2 sides. Its factually correct but also not?

But no response on how the family are supporting her and the kids.

This is such an odd thread. But I am done.

You solve everything with money, don't you? According to you, you pay your ex to be SAHM, you pay the kids' fees and a holiday. BUT.
Money doesn't match presence.

You were ever able to work abroad because your ex agreed to take on ALL child rearing. If she didn't, or she had left or died, you would be either working locally for half pay or paying astronomical fees for a nanny. You seem to feel you've paid your way out but in reality you're doing what all parents must do: provide for their own kids.

Your ex is simply asking you to take on responsibilities that are not about money: be an active part of your own young children's everyday life. Why is it so hard for so many men to grasp?

You absolutely can have a holiday but surely you could take it some other time of the year and just stay in your work country. If you really earn as much as you say, that shouldn't be an issue -- or you're being seriously taken advantage of by your employer 🤷

Not being funny - she’s not asking him to spend time with them, she’s asking him to run errands. The guy isn’t saying he doesn’t want to see them and spend quality time with them. He’s saying he doesn’t want to commute to ferry them to school and back twice a day. And I am completely with him on that. He’s being used.

Kids don't want quality time, they want quantity time from parents.
The school run is a brilliant thing to be involved with. We parked and walked with the dog, met friends, looked at stuff, arrived at school all happy. When you have time, the school run can be magic. My kids have the memories of years of grown ups being there for them, either end of the school day. Our one trip to Disney was also important but would have been meaningless without the bond from day to day life.

i hope your first concern is spending time with your kids. If they are in school you would see your gf when they are there anyway so I’m a bit confused. I wonder why your ex wants you to do all a school runs- is she working? Is the weather bad where you live and she doesn’t like driving in snow? I would assume you would want to do at least half the school runs while you are here and that is reasonable- surely she still wants to communicate with teachers - informal chats at these times can stop any small issues escalating. Are you not having the children overnight? You would take them to school those days. It’s not about a break - there no school runs on a weekend - but it is about the children having access to both parents at this time. Unless this was always your agreement - that when you came home you took responsibility for the kids as you work abroad. Nows her time for a break and she’s been looking forward to it. Looking after small kids can be overwhelming if you are doing it 100% on your own without family help. Can’t help wondering if you paying the child support eases your conscience as you don’t see them and you have justified this as a reason you don’t need to be present. It’s not about you or her getting a break - it’s about the kids and them spending time with the absent parent

He's being used? To ferry his children to school? The horror!! Imagine a parent being asked to..I don't know... do things that parents are expected to do!!

Being used! Ffs

Parenting isn't just about the fun bits and "quality time" though. It's also about the unseen stuff that can be boring but needs doing to keep things ticking over, and school runs are one of those things.