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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting a break after working all year

384 replies

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:48

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

OP posts:
Grimmz · 12/12/2023 23:03

I mean, it's understandable for your ex to want you to help her out with the kids. Since that's what dads usually do. The only reason you get to avoid that is because you work/live abroad. So when you're not abroad it would make sense for you to pull your weight.

When does your ex get a break?

Frasers · 12/12/2023 23:03

Coolhwip · 12/12/2023 23:02

I think YANBU as you enable her to be a SAHM.

But can you compromise and do a 2/3 days a week?

Seriously? He does not even see them most of the year, and the few weeks he’s back he can’t be arsed and would rather be shagging.

Xmastime2023 · 12/12/2023 23:03

Does she want to stay at home or does she have to because you aren’t there to do your share?

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2023 23:03

Im taking annual leave over Christmas too, OP. As a full time working single parent I think it's bloody outrageous that I'm still expected to parent on my time off from work. Fucking fuming I am. Where do we complain?

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2023 23:05

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 12/12/2023 23:03

Is this a mumsnet Christmas brainteaser?

Absent entitled father, stay at home mother ex? It's got all the ingredients for a good old froth.

Definitely no wise men present. Might be an ass or two though!

cadburyegg · 12/12/2023 23:06

Your ex works her arse off too looking after your shared children. Step up and do some school runs ffs it's the least you can do. Why should you get to swing by and just do the fun bits?

ilovesooty · 12/12/2023 23:06

Frasers · 12/12/2023 23:03

Seriously? He does not even see them most of the year, and the few weeks he’s back he can’t be arsed and would rather be shagging.

Show quote history

I doubt if he'd be shagging all the time either.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 12/12/2023 23:06

It's not really about who deserves a break, is it? It's about spending time with your children when you have the rare chance to do so. Maybe instead of focusing on what is fair etc, think about whether you'd like to see more of your children whilst you are in the UK.

Could you and your girlfriend not stay near where your kids live?

ThePoshUns · 12/12/2023 23:06

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2023 23:03

Im taking annual leave over Christmas too, OP. As a full time working single parent I think it's bloody outrageous that I'm still expected to parent on my time off from work. Fucking fuming I am. Where do we complain?

🙌🏼

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:07

I know ex takes on a lot with the kids which is why I never complain about paying up. I want my kids to have a good lifestyle.

Relations with the ex are not great at present. I don’t think she will react well knowing girlfriend is flying out to meet my family, so I have not broached that subject with her yet.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 12/12/2023 23:07

I think you and your ex wife are very, very unreasonable not to have sorted this out well before now.
Your small children will probably be quite upset if you start dropping them off and picking them up from school for a few weeks then disappear off again, can't think why your ex would think that's a good idea and how would you do that anyway if you are not living nearby.
Sort it out properly and don't let your children become pawns in some silly point scoring game about who is more tired. Just remember your ex may be a SAHM but she has responsibility for your children every single day of every single week that you are not there. She needs a break too.

Coolhwip · 12/12/2023 23:07

Frasers · 12/12/2023 23:03

Seriously? He does not even see them most of the year, and the few weeks he’s back he can’t be arsed and would rather be shagging.

Show quote history

Which is why I’ve suggested he does 2/3 days a week.

But he does enable his ex to be a SAHM whilst he works, it would be different if ex was working and she needed help to juggle things.

OP also says he lives out of the area which makes it more difficult. It’s a shame he doesn’t want to do it.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/12/2023 23:08

How many days and nights have you spent with your children over the last year?

Bear in mind your Ex has done the rest of them

It's not just money she needs, it's also parenting - maybe she'd like a lie in

Honestly, when you're back you should be seeing your children CONSTANTLY if you've been with them less than a few months over the last year

Love is an ACTION, not a feeling - you don't love them if you can't be arsed spending time with them 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:08

Just to clarify the kids do not know about the girlfriend. We only separated a year ago and it was not an amicable split.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 12/12/2023 23:10

You are obviously more concerned about your girlfriend than your children.

YABU.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2023 23:11

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:08

Just to clarify the kids do not know about the girlfriend. We only separated a year ago and it was not an amicable split.

🙄

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:12

I do not think people often understand my schedule. I work 100 hour weeks and any days off I have are often spent sleeping and travelling.

OP posts:
Catslovenip · 12/12/2023 23:12

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:53

I just want honest options if I am in the wrong. I know I am not the most present father but I do love my kids.

Children need a parent to be present in order to feel loved. Saying you love them is not enough.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/12/2023 23:14

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:12

I do not think people often understand my schedule. I work 100 hour weeks and any days off I have are often spent sleeping and travelling.

How do you have a girlfriend then and why are you more concerned about her visiting for Christmas than being physically present for your children?

CandyLeBonBon · 12/12/2023 23:15

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 23:12

I do not think people often understand my schedule. I work 100 hour weeks and any days off I have are often spent sleeping and travelling.

Well your girlfriend's not going to be happy with THAT arrangement is she?

RunningFromInsanity · 12/12/2023 23:15

Grimmz · 12/12/2023 23:03

I mean, it's understandable for your ex to want you to help her out with the kids. Since that's what dads usually do. The only reason you get to avoid that is because you work/live abroad. So when you're not abroad it would make sense for you to pull your weight.

When does your ex get a break?

He literally funds her lifestyle so she doesn’t have to work. She’s getting a break from work indefinitely because of his work abroad.

sherahprincessofpower · 12/12/2023 23:15

Yes, YABU. Your children aren't work. They are your family.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 12/12/2023 23:16

I just want honest options if I am in the wrong. I know I am not the most present father but I do love my kids.

Whatever your work schedule, being a parent should involve some actual... well... parenting! You abstractly loving them from a distance while being in a different country or off with your girlfriend contributes to your relationship with them how, exactly?

Xmastime2023 · 12/12/2023 23:17

I’m playing the world’s smallest violin for you OP. Your ex is on call 24/7.

Suctionplease · 12/12/2023 23:17

YABU

So when does your ex-wife get time off to spend with her new boyfriend? You say you enable her to be able to SAH but ultimately how much choice has she got? Two young kids and a completely absent other parent. Who covers the sick days, weekends, clubs etc etc? She parents 24/7. She can't just decide she wants to take some time out for herself. You're selfish and entitled and for some reason seem to think that you are owed something.

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