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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting a break after working all year

384 replies

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:48

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 07:29

I advise you to get accommodation closer to where the children are living so that you can be with your girlfriend and do the school pick ups as well. Are you only seeing your children for 2 weeks of the year? If so, I don't understand how you can be okay with that.

stillholly · 13/12/2023 07:32

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 07:29

I advise you to get accommodation closer to where the children are living so that you can be with your girlfriend and do the school pick ups as well. Are you only seeing your children for 2 weeks of the year? If so, I don't understand how you can be okay with that.

Edited

This this and more of this

Prioritise your children.

You can have a break when they are at school.

What about a break for your ex? Who picks up all the slack whilst you're away.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 07:33

You love your kids but not enough to do these little things for them or prioritise them and building your relationship with them during the short time each year you are in the country. Ok. Yeah. I'm sure they'll grow up feeling ever so loved by you. Absolutely. They won't resent you at all. 👍

Look forward to sitting alone in a nursing home wondering why your kids never want to bring your grandchildren to visit.

Don't ever complain in the future that you aren't close with your children or claim that you don't know why they are much closer to their mum and aren't bothered about you.

As you sow, so shall you reap. 🤷

stillholly · 13/12/2023 07:33

JMKid · 13/12/2023 07:11

interested to know if you were already working abroad or left once the relationship ended!!! Why can’t you move back to be nearer to your children!!! She can then also get a job.

Also this.

Come on. Be a dad.

RedHelenB · 13/12/2023 07:38

Blacksmithpepper · 12/12/2023 22:53

I just want honest options if I am in the wrong. I know I am not the most present father but I do love my kids.

Then take them to school. I loved my granny being there to pick me up occasionally. They'll be excitedly telling their teacher about you, let them have this.

whyamiawakestill · 13/12/2023 08:28

@OpenLanes are you saying two working parents who have to use childcare are worse than this set up? Really.

The situation he's in is what it is and good for him providing, but money vs a parents time isn't really comparable

converseandjeans · 13/12/2023 09:03

I know ex takes on a lot with the kids which is why I never complain about paying up. I want my kids to have a good lifestyle.

You are equating a good lifestyle with having money. Picking kids up & spending time with them is for their benefit. Are you seriously planning to spend 2 weeks with them & then do your own thing for 4 weeks? Your new partner presumably knew you had small children. It's sad you are having to be asked to see them tbh. You should want to see them & they should be your priority.

I assume new girlfriend is child free. What happens if she decides she also wants children?

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 09:20

Just to clarify a few things. I have always worked abroad and been away for months so nothing has changed there. I let ex stay in the house with the children.

Because I am in hotels most of the year I do not have a house or base. I stay with family and rent accommodation near the kids for a few weeks a year when I am back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 09:21

Ex is asking me to do after school with them too so collect, cook dinner. Take them to clubs. I want to do these things but I also have some work to do whilst back too.

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 13/12/2023 09:41

Right so you are staying near your kids.

And she is asking you to:

  • Travel a short distance as you are nearby
  • Do pick ups (not drop offs)
  • Spend time with your children

So far, so reasonable.

You have work... fine..
Do your work between 7am -3pm or after 6pm.
She asking for you to spend about 3 hours with your own children. You will have 21 free hours a day and all weekend. Unless you have planned some nice outings with your kids which in all likelihood you haven't

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 09:49

Your ex is asking you to spend a little time doing normal parent stuff with your children because you're almost never around and barely in their lives in any non financial way.

I'm not sure why you aren't jumping at the chance to give the children you love so much at least one childhood memory of dad being there for them.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 13/12/2023 09:52

TBH if you pay for your EX wife to sit at home all day and not work at all then the very least she should do is pick up the kids as that’s why she is at home, to be their full time mum. ( other wise she is lazy and should get a job and you should stop fully funding her)

However, spending more time with them probably would be nice as you aren’t around much.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 10:04

I agree that you should spend as much time with them as possible, including having them after school and cooking. And you can work whilst they are at school.

Equally though, I think funding the exW to the extent that she doesn't work even though the kids are at school, is a bit much.

And this might be too much advice, but in an ideal world you would live near your kids so as to have a proper relationship with both them and your girlfriend. You would be less tired and your financial obligations would be less pressured with your exW being a bit more independent.

Is it possible you're thinking that paying all this money exempts you from the responsibility of being a proper parent? Or it's like some kind of compensation? This whole set up is wrong and as a result, the question you're asking is wrong. The question should be, how do I make changes in my life so I can be with my children and girlfriend more, plus reduce my outgoings so I can work less.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 10:11

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 13/12/2023 09:52

TBH if you pay for your EX wife to sit at home all day and not work at all then the very least she should do is pick up the kids as that’s why she is at home, to be their full time mum. ( other wise she is lazy and should get a job and you should stop fully funding her)

However, spending more time with them probably would be nice as you aren’t around much.

I am a single parent and work and agree the ex wife needs to work, even if it’s purely because Op will eventually bore of financially supporting her.

However, he has decided he also wants her at home. He decided he was having kids but opting out of actually doing any parenting.

He is the one that has a job that basically means he has no time to parent between working and travelling to see his girlfriend.

The ex wife does do school runs. Every other school day of the year. At least 2 of the weeks he is home there won’t be school runs. And she is fully responsible for them all year round.

She isn’t sitting at home all day. She may get a few hours here and there. But she is one on call for the kids all the time. If they are ill, she needs to pick them up. She does all their care all year round while he does non.

As I said, I work. A lot of hours. But being a single parent even if you don’t work, is hard work and relentless when the other parent isn’t practically involved.

ThePoshUns · 13/12/2023 10:16

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 09:21

Ex is asking me to do after school with them too so collect, cook dinner. Take them to clubs. I want to do these things but I also have some work to do whilst back too.

You're just gaslighting us now.
The more you write the more you're telling us what a self absorbed arse you are.

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:19

Not at all. I have a lot of respect for ex and all that she does. She is a great mum to the kids and very involved.

I simply do not have enough hours to juggle work, the girlfriend (she is American) and spending time with the kids. I guess something will have to change.

OP posts:
Daddydog · 13/12/2023 10:25

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:19

Not at all. I have a lot of respect for ex and all that she does. She is a great mum to the kids and very involved.

I simply do not have enough hours to juggle work, the girlfriend (she is American) and spending time with the kids. I guess something will have to change.

OP, If you have no base in the UK then you have no reason not to rent an AirBnB near your old family home and do your dad duties with a smile on your face when you are back. Your kids have to come before GF, they have watched their parents split up and gone through the trauma that would have brought.

My old man worked abroad, worked ridiculous hours to give us a good life but worked himself to death and died young. All I wanted was to kick a football around with him or come to my school plays. Could count the times he did a school run on one hand. Like him, I've done the expat thing and run a company abroad so I get how you feel but because I missed out on time with my own dad I will never make same mistake and had to adapt my career for my kids.

minipie · 13/12/2023 10:26

Well time with kids is a non negotiable if you want to be a half way decent parent/person.

So the job or girlfriend needs to be dialed down. Many people change their job once they have kids, as they realise theirs is not compatible with seeing enough of their children. Yes it may mean a drop in income but people accept that in order to be around for their kids. And many, many divorced parents do not have time for a relationship after covering work and time with children (and certainly not a relationship with someone who lives in an entirely different location!).

GreatGateauxsby · 13/12/2023 10:29

Agree with @ThePoshUns
It's gone from...

Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally

To...

Ex is asking me to do after school with them...

Because I am in hotels most of the year I do not have a house or base. I stay with family and rent accommodation near the kids for a few weeks a year when I am back.

I don't know why you bothered posting tbh.

I feel sorry for your children.

Do everyone a favour and use reliable contraception with the new girlfriend. The last thing they need is a half sibling thrown into the mix by their reckless father.

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:34

I apologise I did not clarify that well. I meant she was hoping I would do some morning drop offs and collect the kids and do after school with them. The issue is if I am two hours away it’s not that easy. I only rent accommodation for a week or two at a time. It is expensive and the outgoings are huge.

OP posts:
minipie · 13/12/2023 10:36

Why rent two hours away? Most parents would see it as an automatic that they rent near their kids.

You are simply not thinking as a parent- and I suspect never have.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 10:38

I thought you were renting near the kids; but now you say you're renting two hours away. In any case, you need to rent near the kids. Why would you not do that?

Original poster
Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:43

i rent locally. It’s staying with family that is the distance.

OP posts:
Lopella · 13/12/2023 10:44

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:34

I apologise I did not clarify that well. I meant she was hoping I would do some morning drop offs and collect the kids and do after school with them. The issue is if I am two hours away it’s not that easy. I only rent accommodation for a week or two at a time. It is expensive and the outgoings are huge.

Maybe she's hoping you'll do it for her kids benefit, not hers, because she knows how much they miss you and how much it would mean to them. She's not hoping you'll do it just so she gets a day off doing it - it'll be for the kids. She'll be seeing the impact not having their dad around is having on them, and no amount of money you give her will make up for that. It could be the kids have even asked her if you can do it.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 10:44

Blacksmithpepper · 13/12/2023 10:34

I apologise I did not clarify that well. I meant she was hoping I would do some morning drop offs and collect the kids and do after school with them. The issue is if I am two hours away it’s not that easy. I only rent accommodation for a week or two at a time. It is expensive and the outgoings are huge.

So you expected to not really do any care in January for the kids, despite being home.

or did you just want weekends and the fun bits?

If you live your kids why are you staying so far from them?

How are your kids, who you never see, not your priority on this trip?

How many times have you seen your girlfriend this year?