For wanting a break after working all year

[Blacksmithpepper]

I have two children (primary age) with ex wife. I pay all the bills which enables her to be a stay at home parent. I work abroad for the majority of the year and earn a good salary but work my arse off.

I am back in the UK until late January. I have arranged to see the children over the next couple of weeks and I am looking forward to spending time with them. Today ex has asked if I might do school drop offs and pick ups in January and be about more to help. I do not mind doing a few but I am firstly not living locally and I will also be wanting to spend time with my girlfriend. Am I unreasonable for wanting a break before going back to work again?

I work 90 hours a week as a single mother of 3 kids who's father sees them as often as you see yours (by his own shitty choice). I think its appalling you're not jumping at the chance to see them when you can.

You can't possibly speculate. My friend was the OP's wife. She would have loved to have gone back to work but it wasn't physically possible in the career she trained in until the children were old enough to have some independence.

Whilst he may be providing for them, she is also still facilitating him being able to progress in his career without the seeming inconvenience of actual parenting whilst also being afforded the same opportunity.

So what is the magic number of days you need to fly back then? Why do I feel like you make sure you are working so that figure never kicks in?

How unsurprising

Parenting is not something you can just throw money at for someone else to do. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to spend every minute you’re here with your kids. It’s not who needs a break it’s why you don’t want to spend as much time as possible with your kids i that I can’t understand.

Ah, you’re one of those - I do love your kids, just not enough to spend time with them. Not enough to work locally. Please don’t give us that bullshit about you work to pay for them. You found time for an affair. You found time for a girlfriend (your affair partner). There is zero chance you would quit your job and be a bum on the streets if you didn’t have kids, you work for you, and you make time for things that matter. If you want your kids to still see you when they are old enough to have a say, you have to make time for them now. Your ex is asking the bare minimum, I wouldn’t accept my husband working away as I and our children need him to be a dad.

You are an actual scumbag.

Doing the decent thing would have been not shagging around.

You aren't doing a decent thing. You're appeasing your own guilt and pretending that you care by providing money.

You can only have that job because your ex cares for your children 24/7. She would be much more able to work if you were local and pulling your weight. Anything you say about your life choices are for your kids is a lie based on your current actions, and your kids will come to see this unless you change.

Fair point. I was just idly wondering really. Given that the OP has disclosed that his affair ended the marriage I get the impression that he's throwing money at the situation to address any guilt he feels for causing it.

You are very much in the wrong.

I wouldn't tell your wife the gf is there meeting the family that's just cruel.
I would help out with as many drop offs as you can, either one certain days or at least a chunk of a few days. Could you offer to move into the house for a week (without gf!) so that your ex can go on a holiday herself or a spa break? They're not even all In full time school so she has no break usually.

Also offer to do some evening babysitting so that she can go out see her friends and go on a date. Offer her New Year's Eve.

You are a parent and you need to do parenting, not Disney dad shit , sitting watching films or buying them stuff and Takeaways. Do the drop offs, take them to their clubs and cook a meal for them. Experience their life, their likes and dislikes. It could be hard work eg keeping focussed if they chatter away at you non stop or get ill in the night but you’re used to long hours.

I'm interested in the 100 hours a week job. Is that 14 hours a day, 7 days a week? 16.6 hours over 6 days? 20 hours a day for 5 days? I'm amazed you found time to have an affair!
what a miserable life. Can't imagine that any amount of money is worth it.

Look at yourself from your kids’ point of view. Especially once they are older and have all the facts.

How do you think they will see you? Or don’t you care?

@Blacksmithpepper you don't mind doing a few drop offs and pick ups...

Geez, this shows how dislocated you are from your kids.

I'm now a grandparent, not a parent, but at various times have taken the dgc to school or picked them up. For a month we got up at 6am to do the daily drop off. It was such an unexpected delight to have that morning chat with the dgc on the walk to school.

For your sake, and theirs, please do it.

Whilst your wife was home with a toddler you managed to find time to screw someone else in spite of those 100 hour weeks though, didn’t you?

Men like you are so predictable.

This is so cliched it can’t be real.

Better start saving for those childhood trauma therapy sessions, as your children are not going to come out of this set up unscathed.

I say this having a father and partner like you.

Ask yourself if you are modelling what you want for your children, especially if you have a daughter.

Oh, and your girlfriend will eventually start to mistrust you as she knows what you’re capable of.

I think people understand perfectly.

You work abroad most of the years Long hours, yet, but the real issue is you work abroad. Which means you rarely see your children. And when you finally do get the time to come back and see your children and spend time with them, even if that means mundane parenting things, thereby showing them that you miss them and that they're a priority in your mind, your real professed priority is to spend time with your new girlfriend instead of your kids.

Believe me, your kids will know where they rank with you, whether they know about her right now or not.

So you work abroad and 'work' 100 hour weeks, but found time to meet/date/sleep with another woman while you were making yourself 'too tired to do anything else, like spend time with your kids when you finally get the chance.

Riigggghhhhtttt.

Not working and being a single parent is hardly a bloody luxury lifestyle. You dont enable her to stay home. You're throwing money to absolve yourself of guilt for your selfish decisions. No money is going to make up for the fact that you barely make time to see them, cheated on their mother, fucked off abroad and now she's apparently got to somehow feel grateful that she gets to be a stay at home parent by herself and you won't even do the school runs for a few weeks in January?
Noone cares about whether you love them. That's your business. Your inner feelings aren't comfort for the family you dumped.
This reads like you feel hard done by. Incredible.

I know I am not the most present father but I do love my kids

😂😂

I love them, but not enough to spend the bulk of my time with them when I am physically close to them.

As if you're all falling for this!!

This is so cliched it can’t be real

The cliché is not actually a cliche, which makes it actually real.

Even if it's a reverse or a troll, it's actually real